Originally Aired: February 11th, 2010
Written by: Matt Hubbard
Directed by: Ken Whittingham

Summary:  ELIZABETH BANKS GUEST STARS AS VALENTINE’S DAY AT TGS LEAVES EVERYONE SCRAMBLING FOR PLANS. JON BON JOVI MAKES A CAMEO AS HIMSELF.
To avoid feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) schedules a root canal but soon realizes she hasn’t thought it through. Meanwhile, Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) woos an attractive and successful CNBC host, Avery Jessup (guest star Elizabeth Banks), and Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) is disappointed when her creepy stalker loses interest.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Quotes:

Pete: Hey Liz, my daughter’s selling Valentine’s cookies for a school fundraiser.
Liz: Valentine’s Day is a sham created by card companies to reinforce and exploit gender stereotypes.
Pete: Evelyn, this is the lady I was telling you about.

Liz: Learn from my sexual mis-adventures, Evelyn.  Last Valentine’s Day I watched my boyfriend, Drew’s mother slash grandmother die.  I met Floyd on Valentine’s Day but he left me for the city of Cleveland.  And forget about Dennis.  That pervert would always just try to get me drunk.

Liz: I will buy some cookies, but not for Valentine’s Day.  Instead, these cookies celebrate the February 14^th birthday or Anna Howard Shaw, famed American suffragette.  Happy Anna How Shaw Day to you, Evelyn.  A happy Anna Howard Shaw Day to us all!

Jack: Lemon, which one of these ties do you find more attractive?
Liz: The red, definitely.
Jack: [Picks the blue one.] Thank you.

Liz: CNBC gives me a headache.  I get all my money advice from PBS.
Foxy Moneybags: Where should I put my money?  In tech stocks?  Or the housing market?
Liz: Tech stocks, Foxy Moneybags!  Tech stocks!

Jonathan: Sir, your reservations are set for Valentine’s Day.  And, just to be clear, are you and I exchanging…
Jack: No.

Jack: It was very intense.
Liz: Like when you think there’s another stair and there isn’t.  And all of a sudden you’re like Woah!

Jack: Frankly, I could use a win.
Liz: A win?  What’s with the euphemisms, Jack?  Why don’t you just say you want some [makes hand gestures]
Jack: Is that sex?
Liz: That’s the way I do it.

Jack: I’m guaranteed to see some underwear, perhaps a bra with a front clasp.
Liz: What?!

Liz: I scheduled a root canal for February 14^th, Jack.  I will spend half the day in twilight sleep and then I will go home and watch the Original Lifetime movie “My Stepson is my Cyber Husband.”
Jack: Wow that is inspired.  You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.
Liz: Or, I am that painting elephant of being awesome.

Kenneth: You have a stalker?
Tracy: It’s a real problem in the celebrity community.  But if Beyonce would simply answer one of my letters, I would stop trying to break into her house.

Jenna: Maynard’s debilitating devotion validates how wonderful I am.  But what does it say about me if he’s moved on?  Maybe to one of my peers, like Julia Roberts!

Lutz: Hey, has anybody heard about any cool new sex positions?  My girlfriend’s visiting for Valentine’s and I want to keep things caliente.
Liz: Oh my god, Lutz.  Are you still pretending Karen exists?
Lutz: She’s real!  Would a fake woman have a personal website at jdlutz.com\karen\proof?

Toofer: Oh good grief!  My cousin set me up on a blind date for Valentine’s and I just found out the girl is…well…urban.
Liz: Are you saying she’s black?
Toofer: I don’t know how to get out of this.

Liz: I can’t believe you guys are letting Valentine’s Day win.  Not me.  One word: Oral.  Two words: Oral Surgery.

Frank: That stuff messes you up!  When I got my wisdom teeth out I tried to get in the bath with my mom.

Pete: Sorry, every year Paula and I rent this big suit up at Niagara.  And then she takes the kids there and I stay home and get wasted in my garage.  It’s what keeps the magic alive.

Avery: Thanks for sitting in the Hot Box, Jack.
Jack: My pleasure, Avery.
Avery: Also joining me, Walter Stein, whose bow tie tells us he works for some Liberal think tank.
Jack: And the food in his beard tells us purchased a snack pack on the train from New Haven.

Avery: Let’s get to the count down.  First topic:  Prime Minister Wen wants a weak yuan, do we?
Chinese needs a transition to a spending economy.
Avery: After Dubai, what’s the next credit crisis?
Jack: The balkans and women’s tennis.
Avery: Do we need a second bailout?
Jack: Absolutely…not!
Avery: I love it.  Try to get in there beta dog.
Walter: I am trying.
Avery: On 3 Who will be the next President of the United States?  3!
Avery & Jack: Mit Romney’s eldest son Jesbah!

Avery: Jack!  Back to you.  Who’s number one on your speed dial?
Jack: Backberry: Warren Buffett.  iPhone: Jimmy Buffett.
Avery: Favorite movie?
Jack: Tie: The Fountain Head or Uncle Buck.
Walter: My wife and I just saw The Yellow Handkerchief.
Avery: Just sit a couple out, Stein, God. 

Tracy: On Valentine’s Day Angie and I rent a room with a heart shaped hot tub and cook chili in it.  Then we take it to a soup kitchen and that’s where it starts to get sexy!

Jenna: Can’t talk, Liz.  I just found my stalkers work address from his parole officer.  And I’m going to confront him about why he’s ignoring me.

Kenneth: I will be attending an all day abstinence rally.  You’re welcome to come.  I think I have an extra gender neutralizing hood.

Jenna: It’s almost Valentine’s Day and I haven’t heard anything from you.  Has the dog who gives you your orders died?
Maynard: No.  Brandon’s fine.  Look, Jenna, we need to talk.  I don’t think I can stalk you any more.
Jenna: No!  You don’t mean that!
Maynard: Look, I have a new therapist.  I’m taking my meds.  I can’t even see electricity shooting from your head any more!
Jenna: Well is there someone else?!  It’s one of those kids from Glee, isn’t it!

Jenna: I always knew this would end someday.  I just thought it would be with me in the trunk of a rental car.

Jack: The Peace Corps?  That’s surprising.
Avery: No the Peace Corps.  Lawrence Peace’s Corporation.  We drilled for oil in gorilla habitats.
Jack: Of course.  I learned to talk to gorillas when I worked for GE Medical.  “We’re going to test poisons on you.”

Avery: I have a thing for commanding salt-and-pepper types.  I don’t know why.  I think it started when I walked in on my parent’s doing it the day Reagan was shot.

Jonathan: I love having secrets with you.  One time I ran over an old lady in Arizona and just kept driving.

Avery: Look how my body goes with this dress.  I don’t need to be dealing with armatures.

Frank: That cleaning lady finally agreed to go out with me.  We’re going to pick up perogis and eat them at her husband’s grave.

Liz: If I die, then my ghost is going to haunt you.
Frank: Then you’re ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.

Liz: Wow, Avery Jessup.  She’s hot.  She was on Maxim’s “I’d Rape That 100.”

Jack: Avery is smart.  And she doesn’t suffer fools.  When I seduce her it’s going to be very satisfying.

Liz: The male escort I hired to take my home from surgery has had a Chlamydia flare up…

Jenna: Look at this.  It’s the first letter he ever sent me.
Kenneth: [Reading] Jenna, I was in your bedroom last night.  I left a gift in your toilet.  You will be my bride someday.

Jenna: Maynard is a weirdo.  But that weirdo loved me unconditionally.  You know what I realized?  He’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had.  Besides Doug.
Kenneth: Please do not say what Doug is.
Jenna: Doug is my vibrator.

Liz: There are some things that are actually harder to do with two people.  Such as…monologues.

Liz: Thank you for looking out for a sister.  In a feminist way.  Not because you’re black.  Not that it would matter… because I’m black too.  Nope.  You’re going to meet me.  I’m not black.

Jack: Grizz.  Dot Com.  Thank you for pretending to be bouncers.
Dot Com: Maybe someday we’ll live in a world where you ask us to pretend to be scientists.

Bon Jovi: You shouldn’t sign anything without reading it first.  I made that mistake once.  I ended up NBC’s artist in residence.

Bon Jovi: [Reads] I, the undersigned, hence force known here as “The Alone” hereby state that on February 14^th that I have absolutely no one in my life.  You’re alone on Valentine’s Day?
Liz: It’s not about a date, I just don’t have a ride home from the doctors office.
Bon Jovi: But isn’t that the same?  I mean, isn’t it about having someone out there…
Liz: Yeah, I get it, Bon Jovi.  It’s already been explained to me.
Bon Jovi: [Reading] I the Alone otherwise known as Jane Sadwoman…will likely die alone…eaten by house cats?

Tracy: I’m Tyke Myson.  Baby Boxer.

Bon Jovi: Hey, Jack. Who’s this…
Jack: Excuse me, Bon Jovi I’m in the middle of a conversation.
Bon Jovi: But you said to.
Jack: Thank you.
Bon Jovi: I hate it here.

Receptionist: Do you have your release?
Liz: I don’t need it because my boyfriend, Astronaut Mike Dexter, will be picking me up…oh his motorcycle.

Liz: You know, I don’t think the anestatia actually affectered me.

Liz: You’re here. You’re all here because you didn’t want me to be alone today.  Oh Floyd.  I still think every day about what would have happened if I went to Cleveland with you.  And even you, Dennis.  Watching the Color Purple drunk was one of the funniest nights of my life.  Drew.  So handsome.  So so stupid.    Seeing all your beautiful faces, and Dennis’ jean jacket, I know that I don’t need anyone.  But I do want to be loved.  We all do.  And if it didn’t work out between us, it’s just because I’m not finished becoming me yet.  But I will find love someday.  Because I am a sailor on the sea of love.
Receptionist: Ok.  This bitch is tripping her ass off!

Liz: What’s that?  Bon Jovi, you love me too?

Jack: I want a family.  A son I can throw a ball too.  And when he’s older have power struggles with.

Jack: This isn’t a trick.  I have to pick up a hallucinating employee of mine from the oral surgeons office.
Avery: That’s at least creative.
Jack: Cancel your walk of shame.  Come with me on a car ride of proof.

Liz: You’re a very pretty doggy!

Avery: What do you think of Jack?
Liz: He’s the best one.  I don’t know what I’d do without him.

“Drew”: Shanise.  What you gonna do this weekend?
“Floyd”: I’m gonna repapa my powda room.
“Dennis”: Ooh girl.
“Drew”: You need a boyfriend.
“Floyd”: Why I need a man to put up mi wall paper?  I’m an independent woman.
“Drew”: Oh Ms. T.  You see how she act like she don’t want one.
“Dennis”: Uh huh.
“Drew”: You know she gonna come back here cryin when
he can’t kill a water bug.
“Dennis”: What you wanna orda for lunch today?
“Floyd”: Don Cheadle on a bed of rice.

Liz: Happy Valentine’s Day, no one!

Ratings: 6.004 Million Viewers.  (3.8/6 Share. 2.8/7 in the Demo.)

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