Originally Aired: October 11, 2006
Written by: Tina Fey
Directed by: Adam Bernstein

Summary: We are introduced to Liz Lemon, the head writer of The Girlie Show. She meets with her new boss, Jack Donaghy who wants to retool her show by adding the crazy movie start, Tracy Jordan.

Quotes:

Liz: We’re all getting hot dogs!

Liz: I want all the hot dogs please! And I’m giving them to the good people!

Jenna: This fat suit smells like corn chips.

Pete: Standards has a problem with that Michael Jackson bit.
Liz: What why?
Pete: Apparently you can’t say he has a vagina.

Pete: What is this?
Liz: Ah, well you know how I hate it when people cheat or break the rules?
Pete: Yes I do.
Liz: Well I just spent 100 bucks on wieners.

Toofer: Surely our massive conglomerate parent company could spring for a samovar of coffee.
Frank: Yeah or like a big coffee dispenser.
Toofer: that’s what a samovar is.
Frank: Are there other black nerds, or is it just you and Urcle?

Liz: Uh. Cerie, do you want to go get some coffee?
Cerie: No thank you.
Liz: No?

Liz: Where’s Gary.
Jack: Gary’s dead. I’m Jack Donaghy, new VP of development for GE Universal K-Mart.
Pete: We own K-Mart now?
Jack: No. So why are you dressed like we do?

Jack: I’ll call her back is she at the white house like. Tell them I need a 4 AM tee off time. Uh. 5 inches, but it’s thick.

Jack: Are you familiar with the GE Trivection Oven?
Liz: I don’t cook very much.
Jack: Sure. I got you. New York, third-wave feminist, college educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, overscheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says healthy body image in the cover, and every two years you take up knitting for…a week.
Pete: That is dead on!
Liz: What are you going to guess my weight now?
Jack: You don’t want me to do that.

Jack: Market research my friend, years and years of market research that led to my greatest triumph, theTrivection Oven.
Pete: Hey, my wife wants one of those.
Jack: Could we get Pete and oven please?!

Jack: The people upstairs think so. That’s why they promoted me, that’s why they sent me here to retool your show.
Liz: Retool what now?
Jack: I’m the new Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven, Programing.
Liz: That sounds like your program microwave ovens.
Jack: I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Jenna: Lee, does my face look bloated to you? When I played that lady rapist on Law and Order, guess what the make up guy put on under my eyes to take the puffiness out. Hemroid cream!

Kenneth: Ms. Maroney, I have the cat wrangler here for you.
Jenna: Oh is it that horrible little…HI!
Greta: Greta Johansen, short for The Greta.

Greta: Would you consider yourself competent?
Jenna: Oh yes, I love cats. I used to have two cats, but then we moved to this place with hardwood floors so we had to put them down……..I’m joking.

Liz: So your job is to take things that are already working, and fix them. That’s a great job.

Jack: You’re missing that 3^rd kind of heat. I want you think about Tracy Jordan.
Pete: Ok, The black guy?
Jack: The black movie star. I flew with him on a private jet to the SuperBowl recently and I found him very entertaining.
Liz: Isn’t he um…crazy?
Jack: Tracy’s had his problems in the Last few years.
Tracy: [Flashback] (on highway) I AM A JEDI! I AM A JEDI! I AM A JEDI!

Liz: Sometimes when I have these stress dreams, when I go to sleep in the dreams I come out of it. [reading post-it note] This is not a dream.

Jack: Alfredo. 2PM?
Liz: I’m not dressed for that.
Jack: You’re dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Lee: Laura Bush is your size.

Jack: That’s how you should dress for work by the way.
Liz: Yeah if I was the President of the Philippines.

Tracy: Let me ask you a question. Everyone at this table. Did he just say the word pumpkin to me?

Liz: So Tracy, we should talk about the show.
Tracy: Yeah, I ain’t doing it unless I can get to do it my way. I want it to be raw. HBO style content.
Liz: Well it’s not HBO, it’s tv.

Tracy: Cause I’m gonna drop truth bombs. You know how pissed of I was when US weekly said I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m not on crack. I’m straight up mentally ill!

Jenna: (flirtingly) I’m not sure about this costume.
Jack: I think it’s hot.
Jenna: Thank you! I’m Jenna by the way.
Kenneth: Ms. Maroney, I got the hemorrhoid cream you wanted.
Jenna: It’s for my face.
Jack: Well wherever your putting it, I think it’s working.

Liz: You know I don’t think you’ll like it, cause work a lot of hours, it’s live tv which is risky.
Tracy: Yeah yeah yeah I like risky. See me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello, Great meeting. I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles. Cause the white dudes want to see us fail.
Liz: What white dude?
Tracy: All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Eclectic. George Bush. Karl Robe!
Liz: Karl Robe? You say?
Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other, to distract us, while white dudes inject AIDS into your chicken nuggets. That’s a metaphor!

Liz: You know what, when people say they need to make a quick stop, they normally mean at the bank, or at the store.

Liz: You know what, this is for computer classes.

Tracy: You know why I should do this tv show, Lemon?
Liz: I really don’t.
Tracy: To get your rich. Cause if I do this show it’s gonna blow up.
Liz: How you know I’m not rich?
Tracy: Your teeth.

Liz: I’m not a sex worker, Tracy, I don’t have sex for a living.
Stripper: Neither do we.
Tracy: Neither do they. (to Liz: Yes they do!)

Liz: He’s got charisma.
Stripper: No that’s Charisma over there.

Liz: Jack Donaghy thinks he’s gonna come in to my house, and mess with my show?
Tracy: Hell no!
Liz: Jenna and I worked for years to get this show. I moved from Chicago for this.
Tracy: Chicago? I was in Scotty Pippin’s wedding!
Liz: Now Donaghy is trying to steal it from us. He already fired Pete, who is a great producer.
Tracy: Fire Pete!? He can’t fire Pete?!
Liz: You know what, I quit. He can suck it.
Tracy: Hmm mhm, suck it Pete!
Liz: No, you’re not listening. You’re not a good listner.

Jack: I think this is your opportunity to go out and prove everybody wrong.
Jenna: What, what do you mean, who’s everybody?
Jack: The network that wanted to fire you, the focus groups that said you had a weird eye.
Jenna: You mean this eye? Ok. This eye, it doesn’t open all the way because when I was little, my sister peed in it!

Tracy: This is where I was in foster care.
Liz: Oh, sorry.
Tracy: Me and two other dudes, and a girl with messed up fingers. So lucky I got out of here.
Liz: It wasn’t luck. I mean you got out of here cause you’re very talented, and people love you, and…are you peeing?

Liz: Where’s Donaghy I want to talk to him.
Kenneth: Last I saw him, he was riding a crane camera.

Liz: I’m quitting, I’m quitting right now.
Pete: No no no. You have the best job in New York. Don’t quit over this. Don’t buy all the hotdogs.

Tracy: Excuse me, where’s the manager. I’m from the government and I’m here to inspect the chicken nuggets!

Tracy: I am the third heat!

Jack: Are you drunk?
Liz: [drunk] Yessss!

Jack: I thought you were going to quit.
Liz: Yeah well you don’t know everything about me.
Jack: You weigh 127 pounds. Yeah.

Greta: You will be hearing from Peanuts lawyer.

Ratings: 5.4/9 8.13 Million Viewers. 58th

1.02 - The Aftermath»