Originally Aired: October 25, 2006
Written by: John Riggi
Directed by: Adam Bernstein

Summary: Confident he can fix both Liz Lemon’s (Tina Fey) sketch show and sex life, overbearing boss Jack (Alec Baldwin) sets Liz up on a blind date with his friend Thomas. With Liz readying herself for her blind date, Jack infiltrates the writers’ weekly poker game, and becomes obsessed with beating Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) the page.

Quotes:

Liz: Frank, how many bears did I say you could have?
Frank: One.
Liz: And how many do you see here?
Frank: Um…four.

Frank: Nobody believes that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear. It doesn’t make any sense.
Liz: You’re trying to bring logic to the robot bear sketch?!

Liz: How does your life improve? Do the hands have money in them?
Jack: Human contact is important Lemon. I can tell by your stress level that you have not been touched in any way in quite some time. Not caressed, not massaged, not even groped on the subway.

Jack: I would think that a single woman’s biggest worry would be joking to death alone in her apartment.

Liz: You’re not going to come to our crappy poker game are you?
Jack: No I’m not.
Liz: Good.
Jack: I bluffed. Yes I am coming.

Liz: 3 can’t go here…3 can’t go here…3 can go here…

Pete: So who is this Thomas guy?
Liz: I don’t know, he’s one of Jack’s friends. Oh my god isn’t Jack friends with Tom Delay? Am I going on a date with Tom Delay?!
Pete: It’s just one date. But, if it is Tom Delay, and you do go home with him, prepared for it to get weird.

Tracy: Josh, you and me, Thursday night. I know this guy who runs and underground bird fight.
Josh: Oh. Yeah. I can’t do that.
Tracy: Poker Night? I love poker! I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts. Crazy Sevens, Albuquerque Freak Out, One Card Stud.
Josh: Yeah I don’t think those are real games.

Liz: Hey Frank, what do guys like?
Frank: Uh, porn.
Liz: No. I mean if you were going to go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act?
Frank: Like she was in a porn.

Jack: What are you going to wear?
Liz: This probably. I don’t have time to go home.
Jack: No, that won’t do. I want you to go out during your lunch hour. And find something, at a women’s clothing store.

Pete: Oh look at you. You look like a fancy prostitute.

Tracy: This round, Texas Doozie, Face cards are wild, threes are Jinx, fives are twos.

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen the minimum bet in this game is $25.
Pete: We normally just play for quarters.
Jack: Well you better go home and put on your shoes, cause this is a man’s game?

Pete: (Throws in wedding ring) Ok, I’ll call.
Frank: And I’ll see that, with this thing. (Puts down an Emmy.)

Jack: You see in poker, as in business, the key to success is to determine your opponents strength and, more importantly, his weaknesses. Everyone has a tell. A weakness of character, that manifest himself physically. Like when Lutz has a good question, he stops eating. When Frank is bluffing, he asks a series of inane questions.
Frank: Oh really? Is that what you think? Is that what I do? Am I doing that right now? Yeah. I’m out.
Tracy: Ok Rainman tell me what I got.
Jack: Well you have two of your cards backwards actually.
Tracy: I’m out.

Frank: I bet my rent money, and if I don’t pay by the 10^th, my mom’s going to throw me out.

Jack: I’m all in, anybody else.
Kenneth: Oh, I’ll play with you Mr. Donaghy.
Jack: Kenneth, how long have you been there?
Kenneth: Oh I’m just filling in for Pete’s place cause he’s in the bathroom lying in his own sick.
Frank: Oh my god. He can’t read Kenneth. He’s a blank slate.

Liz: Why would Jack just assume we’re lesbians.
Gretchen: I am a lesbian.
Liz: Hmm, that’s awesome.
Gretchen: Is this the first time someone’s made that assumption about you?
Flash backs
Gym teacher: Lemon, don’t let these girls give you a hard time about who you are.
Dentist: You know, you need to brush your teeth young man.
Woman: Oh my, what an adorable little lesbian.

Gretchen: I’ve worked with Jack in plastics. He tends to approach everything the same way. Locate the problem. Isolate the problem. Set the problem up with a lesbian.

Jack: How was your date with Thomas?
Liz: You mean Gretchen Thomas? The brilliant plastics engineer/lesbian?

Liz: What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz: Well I am straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Jack: What do you know about Kenneth the page?
Liz: I don’t know, he’s a sweet kid.
Jack: Yes, and a surprisingly good poker player. Did you know that his middle name is Ellen?
Liz: No, that’s weird.
Jack: And that his Myers-Briggs psychological testing shows a rare combination of extroverted, intuitive, and aggressive?
Liz: Really?
Jack: Same as mine. He could be trouble down the line.
Liz: Kenneth?
Jack: Kenneth Ellen.

Jack: All right then, you’re not a lesbian duly noted. I’ll correct that on your file. It’s too bad though, Thomas thought you were great.
Liz: She did?
Jack: Yes. She said she thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Lee.
Liz: Really? She said that?
Jack: Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Kenneth: I love how the light catches it like diamonds.
Liz: Kenneth, it is diamonds.

Kenneth: Hi Mr. Donaghy, can I help you with something?
Jack: You are a puzzle Kenneth Ellen. And I am going to solve you. Yes I am.

Liz: I can’t believe you bet your wedding ring?
Pete: I know, the weird thing is, I had money left.

Liz: Hey, what famous person would you say I look like?
Pete: Uh, present day Linda Rondstat.
Toofer: No, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Frank: Tootsie.

Pete: So how was your date?
Liz: It wasn’t a good match.
Toofer: What happened? Did he notice your facial tick?
Liz: No.
Frank: Did you wear sandals? Did he see your toes?
Liz: No.
Writers: You blew it didn’t you? Way to go Liz. Good job Liz. Another one bites the dust.
Pete: Oh look at your face.
Liz: IT WAS A LADY!

Liz: Where is my Emmy?

Liz: Look this is going to sound weird, but do you ever worry about choking to death alone in your apartment.
Gretchen: Oh it’s so weird that you would say that. I think about it all the time. I mean you’d die. And they wouldn’t find you until your neighbor’s dog smelled you from the hallway.
Liz: And they’d show picture of your on New York One.
Gretchen: And it’s not just choking, ever since I turned thirty every time I get in or out of the bathtub I think I think in my head “Careful…careful…”
Liz: Yes! Every thing’s the worst!

Tracy: Damn Jack, you went all out. That’s a giant shrimp.
Jack: Made out of shrimp, and diving into a bowl of shrimp.

Tracy: I’ve been playing for two hours. I’m tired of loosing. I’m gonna let my boy, Dot Com play a few hands for me. So Dot Com, are we going to those 3 clubs tonight. You know the doctor said I have four hearts in my body?

Jack: Clever boy, Kenneth, but the curtain is drawn back now, and I know the real you.
Kenneth: (whispers to Dot Com) I think he’s got me confused with someone else.

Frank: Are you sure you’re not gay, cause that chick is hot.
Liz: We’re just friends. Like Oprah and Gale. Why is that so hard to believe?

Pete: She’s great. You should marry that girl.
Liz: Yeah, one problem. I’m not gay.
Pete: Oh Lemon, in the 10 years I’ve known you, you’ve had some really terrible boyfriends.
Liz: I have.
Pete: There was the guy who was obsessed with Charlie Chapman.
Liz: Neil.
Pete: There was the guy who played Halo under the name “slutbanger.”
Liz: Dennis.
Pete: There was the tall gangly red haired guy who played guitar all the time.
Liz: Conan.

Liz: So what are you saying, I should just be a lesbian?
Pete: Oh I’m not saying it would be easy. You know, get drunk first.
Liz: Why do guys think that women can just flip a switch like that? I mean, what if I said to you, go be with Frank now.
Pete: Oh I would be honored. Frank is a very tender, beautiful man.

Jack: (southern accent) Will you, little Kenneth Ellen Parcell? From Stone Mountain, Georgia. Growing up in your mama’s tract house. Dreaming of working on a TV show. Dreaming of making all the way to the NBC.
Kenneth: You’re scaring me Mr. Donaghy.
Jack: You’ll always be a pig farmer cause I smell fried baloney all over you.
Kenneth smells himself.
Jack: Now I’ve got a pair of two’s.
Kenneth: Well that’s just seebee-weebee. I’ve got a two, a four, a nine, a six, and a King.

Liz: Why did you bet that terrible hand?
Kenneth: Why? Because I believe that life is for the living. I believe in taking risks, and biting off more than you can chew. Also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.

Jack: Kenneth, I wasn’t really going to fire you, I just wanted to remind you that I could.

Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” And though they’ve never won a war, or mass produced a decent car, in this area, they are correct. In five years we will all be either working for him, or dead by his hand.

Gretchen: Oprah?
Liz: Yes Gale.
Gretchen: I think we need to take a break.
Liz: Is this because I wanted to submit us for the Amazing Race. Cause I was 80% joking about that.
Gretchen: I think I need to move on. Find my Stedman.
Liz: I thought I was Oprah in this metaphor. Also you’re gay so that’s a little confusing. You should say like, “my lady Stedman.”

Liz: It’s just that if I try to imagine us being together, I think, yeah ok. This could be fun. Picking our furniture. Making flowerbeds out of old Railroad ties. But, the thing is, if I’m going to be with someone, it has to be a guy.

Liz: Ok wait, what if we made a pact. What if we say in 20 years we don’t find someone, we’ll move in together and be roommates? And even though I’m not into the sex stuff, if it helps you, I would let you do stuff to me.
Gretchen: I can’t be around you anymore. Bye Liz.
Liz: That’s funny. That’s what the guys always say. Who’s going to go to cooking class with me next weekend?
Guy at bar: If by cooking class your mean your bed. And by next week you mean.
Liz: Oh shut up. I can see your wedding ring. Idiot.

Ratings: 3.9/6 6.01 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 73rd

«1.02 - The Aftermath

1.04 - Jack the Writer»