Originally Aired: November 01, 2006
Written by: Robert Carlock
Directed by: Gail Mancuso

Summary: Liz keeps aspiring writer Jack from taking over the writers room and Kenneth the Page tries desperately to impress Tracy. As Kenneth quickly learns working for Tracy Jordan may be more than he bargained for, Liz struggles to keep ego-maniacal Jack out of the writer’s room and the scantily clad Cerie in her clothes.

Quotes:

Liz: Alright we have a lot to get through today guys. Anyone have anything on page 1? (Writers watching Cerie) I think we need to change this Donald Trump joke, because Donald Trump was eaten by a lion this morning, on the international space station. Anyone listening?

Frank: We got to change this Trump joke.

Announcer: Josh to the set please, for ‘Sniper Talk’

Kenneth: I got your car washed liked you asked. And I got that “Baby on Board” sign you want to help you get tail.
Tracy: Thanks Ken, you’ve done good.
Kenneth: It’s my pleasure, and my job sir. Anything you ever need, you just ask.
Tracy: But I want you to know something. You and me, it’s not going to be a one way street. Cause I don’t believe in one way streets. Not between people and not while I’m driving.

Tracy: Here’s some advice I wish I would’ve got when I were your age: Live every week, like it’s shark week.

Jack: Oh please, uh, finish your dance.

Jack: Are you familiar with 6^th Sigma?
Frank: Oh, yeah, it’s special kind of GI Joe.
Jack: It’s Frank right? (makes a note)

Liz: We were trying to think of a funnier cereal name. The favorite options so far include; Honey Bunches of Sadness, Oat-Bung, and Swasti-O’s
Toofer: Fruit Lupis.
Writer: Dingleberries.
Frank: Fart Nuggests.
Jack: (Laughs hysterically) Sorry, That’s really great.
Liz: Ok, let’s just think for another minute. Uh, Frosted Mini-guns.
Frank: Lucky Bastards?
Jack: If you don’t mind, I think we all really laughed at Fart Nuggets so can we just move on?
Liz: Everyday huh?

Jack: So I was doing some research on comedy. And I came across the cartoon strip Dilbert. So I was wondering if we can do that.
Liz: Do what?
Jack: Dilbert .

Jack: No no no no no. You can’t say that. Jeb Bush is a fiend of mine.
Frank: Who should I change it to.
Jack: Sean Penn. No, Barbra Streisand.

Jack: …He guns it. Girl falls into the water. So we circle back looking for her. Rit’s pitch black out. The boat hits something, hard. And you hear kind of a Eeehhuuuh. And Brokov says, ‘Just go. Don’t look back.” Now, I’m not a writer, but maybe there’s a skit in that.

Pete: You guys aren’t getting any work done.
Liz: Really, you don’t think his idea of starting with the catch phrases and working backwards is panning out.
-Flashback-
Jack: Nuts to you McGuillicutty. Who ordered the wieners? Beep Beep Ribi Ribi.
-/Flashback-
Liz: Actually Frank wrote a draft of Beep Beep Ribi Ribi.

Liz: What do you all not understand? He’s our boss. Me trying telling Jack what to do would be like you trying to boss around… Which one of your kids is it that you’re afraid of?
Pete: Kyle…Kyle…so strong.

-Cereie takes off her jacket to reveal a skimpy outfit
Pete: That was a jacket?!
Liz: That’s it, I got to talk to her about her clothes. She can’t dress like that.
Pete: What? Yes she can! People like how she dresses!
Liz: Oh come on, it’s distracting, it’s inappropriate.
Pete: You’re inappropriate! You jerk with your big stupid face!

Tracy: I want nachos.
Kenneth: Yes sir.
Tracy: From Yankee Stadium.
Kenneth: Yes sir!

Liz: This is going to sound really weird, but you need to wear a bra.
Cerie: Oh no. I…I don’t actually. They just sort of stay up on their own.

Liz: The way you dress, is making some people around the office uncomfortable.
Cerie: Really? Who?
Pete: -pops in- Not me!
Liz: I guess it’s mostly me that has the problem with it.
Cerie: Oh is it because you have a body image things.

Cerie: How’d you dress before you were married?
Liz: I’m not married, Cerie.
Cerie: Oh for some reason I thought you had like, three kids.
Liz: Nope, never married. No kids.
Cerie: Cause sometimes you have like food stains on your shirt and stuff. I thought it was kids.

Liz: Boy! We as a group, might not smell great.

Jack: Oh I have an idea for you. Monkey Senate: We open on the capital…
Liz: You can’t be in here anymore!
Jack: What’s that?
Liz: It’s not working. You’re driving everybody crazy. Ok you can just fire me now and I’ll go back to teaching improve to senior citizens.

Kenneth: (to a rat) Go get help girl!

Tracy: You want to know another key to success.
Kenneth: I do Mr. Jordan.
Tracy: Dress everyday like your going to get murdered in those clothes.

Jonathan: Mr. Donaghy is very upset that you banned him from the writers room. He wants you to apologize.
Liz: Really?
Jonathan: But when you apologize, you have to look like it was your idea. He can’t know that I told you.
Liz: But he sent you here to tell me to apologize.
Jonathan: Exactly. I penciled you in for 3:00. This conversation never happened.

Announcer: Jenna set yourself please, for “Who wants to Eat a Dictionary?”

Kenneth: It’s Kenneth, from the NBC page program. I’m here for a pick up from Quiong-Dang. Hello, gentlemen. Oh, thank goodness, air conditioning. Ooo, what does that tattoo mean? When I get nervous I ask a lot of questions. Do y’all have a bathroom I could use? Y’all have long finger nails. Now, do y’all rent this place or do you own it? Ooo, what funny looking fish. What is that, like a grapefruit knife? Do y’all have a cellphone? What’s your plan?

Liz: Even when it’s something normal, I hate going up to Jack’s office. I always feel like I’m entering the Death Star. I expect to see Storm Troopers. I’m telling you, if Jack does this (force choke) at me, I will run.
Pete: You’ll be fine, Captain Needa.
Liz: No! Captain Needa dies! He dies!

Liz: I never said that people don’t like you. That’s not true.

Jack: So, people do like me?
Liz: Yes…people like you.
Jack: Do you like me?
Liz: Of course…I like you…Jack.
Jack: You know what I like about you. Those eyes. You have those black shark’s eyes. You know, very intense.

Tracy: You’ve done good Ken. If that fish ever goes missing or gets into the public water system, we don’t know each other.

Tracy: What did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?
Kenneth: Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that va-jay-jay.

Liz: Wow, I just can’t believe Camilionaire tickets were still available.

Announcer: Josh to the set please for “Homophobic Gays.”

Pete: Well look having Jack on your side can make life easier. It’s good for everybody if he wants to be friends.
Liz: I know, but it’s so weird. It’s like the scene where you see the back of Darth Vader’s head with his helmet off and you’re like ‘Oh! He’s a human being!’ I’ve got to get some new DVDs.
Pete: Did we just go in a circle?
Liz: Yeah I was following you.
Pete: I was following you.
Liz: No I’m going to wardrobe.
Pete: Ok. Good walk and talk.

Liz: You need to dress like you have a job. And parents. Who raised you in some shame based American tradition.

Cerie: Your wearing this?
Liz: Come one, no.
Cerie: I’m serious. This color would be amazing on you and you’re a size 4 right?
Liz: -flattered- Well, aren’t’ you sweet.

Liz: Hey guys.
Writers: Oh! Oh my god! –laughing-
Pete: What are you wearing?
Frank: You’re making me gay.
Liz: It’s a joke. Obviously, I’m wearing this as a joke. A bunch of comedy writers don’t know it’s a joke geeze.
Frank: I just threw up in my mouth.
Liz: I said it’s a joke!

Lutz: I think I’m having a heart attack.

Jack: This is where my writers write. Oh, don’t mind the odor.

Kenneth: Excuse me, do y’all just have noodles and butter?

Jack: -whispers- I’m sorry for what’s about to happen right now. Just no that I don’t mean it.
Liz: Don’t mean what?
Jack: -out loud- What group home did you escape from that you would dare talk to me like some plumbers wife in front of Ron Gordon and Bob Overmyer.
Liz: I don’t even know who those guys are.
Jack: Oh really? Your ignorance was obvious when you waddled up to me with your thin lipped mouth full of greasy peasant food, and addressed me by my Christian name in front of the gentleman from Fairfield. That’s Fairfield, Connecticut Lemon, GE headquarters. But how would you know that with your years of public education and daytime television viewing? If you ever pull a Bush League stunt like this again, I’ll have you writing promos for arena football so fast, it’ll make your inexplicably small head spin.
Frank: Oh snap!

Liz: Well I don’t like you anymore.
Jack: Well I don’t believe you.

Jack: Go easy on the pizza.

Ratings: 3.2/5 4.61 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 85th

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