Originally Aired: November 16, 2006
Written by: Robert Carlock
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: After being pressured by Jack (Alec Baldwin) to plug GE products into her show, Liz (Tina Fey) integrates Jack himself into a sketch. While Jack hones his questionable acting chops, Frank (Judah Friedlander) and Toofer (Keith Powell) trick Jenna (Jane Krakowski) into fearing for her job and Liz wonders if Tracy is faking illiteracy to skip out on rehearsals.

Quotes:

Liz: Where are you going? They’re paging you for rehearsal.
Tracy: Rehearsal? We just did a show last week! I’m just here to pick up a paycheck.

Tracy: It’s not going to work. Next Friday is Damon Dash’s birthday party. And the Friday after that, is an orgy over at Elizabeth’s…

Tracy: My acting style in improvising. It’s like jazz. Jazz that you can laugh at. [imitates jazz] Ah ha ha ha!

Jenna: Pete,
Pete: Hey!
Jenna: Do you remember that song I recorded when I was dating that Persian record producer?
Pete: Oh, no.
Jenna: It’s a dance-pop-techno-hybrid called Muffin Top. I gave everyone copies at Christmas.
Pete: Oh yeah right, I don’t remember that.
Jenna: Well apparently it’s a number one hit, in Israel.
Pete: Israel? Wow.
Jenna: And I noticed we had a couple minutes left and I thought I could do it on the show.
Pete: Ok, you can do the short version.
Jenna: You should know that Muffin Top is also Number 4 in Belgum.
Pete: I said you can do it.
Jenna: Why not?!… Oh… I mean, thank you.

Liz: I’m sorry, you’re saying you want to use the show to sell stuff?
Jack: Look, I know how this sounds…
Liz: No, come on Jack, we’re not doing that, we’re not compromising the integrity of our show to…
Pete: Wow! This is diet Snapple?
Liz: I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple. Doesn’t it?
Frank: You should try Plumagranet. It’s amazing.
Cerie: I only date guys who drink Snapple.

Jack: Oh I’m sorry. That’s right, they’re artists, like James Joyce, or Stromberg. Get real kids, you write skit mocking our president to fill time between car commercials.
Liz: That’s not fair. Josh gets a lot of fan mail for “Gayberham Lincoln.”
Josh: [with a lisp] Four score and seven beers ago.

Liz: Did you guys know that Holland is the only country with a national dog?
Pete: I did not know that.
Liz: Yeah there’s little facts under there.
Pete: Thanks Snapple.

Frank: Man, Jenna’s really gotten squirrelly since Tracy came along.
Toopher: It’s so sad
Frank: What’s really sad is that while she’s in this fragile state, none of her friends are messing with her head.

Frank: Yeah my friend in accounting, Lando Calorissian, he says Jack’s probably going to have to fire an actor.

Tooper: It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
Frank: Yeah, if the fish have daddy issues.

Pete: This show isn’t a commercial.
Snapple bottle: [getting off elevator] Excuse me, can you tell me where human resources is?

Liz: This is gonna sound crazy, but Tracy can read, right?
Pete: What are you serious? The guys done dozens of movies.
Liz: Yeah but it’s not like his movies seem like he’s reading a script.
[Flashes to Tracy in a movie]
Tracy: Let’s go rescue Carry. Or whatever. Is there Sheryl. Maybe she can tell us where the drugs are. Or the gold. Then we got that car chase. I’m getting to old for this. Was I supposed to say that then?

Liz: Look at the education in this country. We spend all this money in Iraq, but meanwhile our inner-city graduation rates are lower then they are in the Sudan.
Pete: That doesn’t sound right.
Liz: Maybe it was Sweden. Maybe it was Teen Pregnancy.

Liz: We were hoping that the GE executive in the sketch, could be played by you.
Jack: Oh I get it. The whole self-referential thing; Letterman hates the suits, Stern yells at his boss, Nixon’s sock it to me on Laugh In. Yeah, it’d be humor.
Liz: That’s what I’m goin’ for.

Jack: As you know, I’ve been studying comedy, learning what’s funny. I’m watching Friends right now. What happens with Ross and Rachel? No no, don’t tell me. Seriously.

Jack: You’re such a Monica.

Jenna: Oh, I’m not worried because I have something the other actors don’t. A secret weapon.
Liz: Don’t say your sexuality.
Jenna: My sexuality!
Liz: Oh, god, Jenna! When has that ever worked?
Jenna: When has it not worked?!
-Flashback-
Waiter: It’ll be a forty-five minute wait.
Jenna: Oh Will it? [unbuttons blouse]
Waiter: Yeah. Yeah it will.

Jenna: Yeah, but this is different because I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
Liz: Yeah. So now you just have to make yourself 10 years younger and Asian.

Liz: Trey, can you read?
Tracy: Can I read?!
Liz: Please don’t get angry. It’s not your fault. It’s the system. Have you ever scene Hoop Dreams? It’s like that.

Tracy: I can’t read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent. I think I voted for Nader! NADER!

Tracy: I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of me Liz Lemon. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. All thanks to one very special white lady. I’ll be late tomorrow. [reads newspaper] Damn! George Wills just gets more and more conservative.

Jonathan: Liz, did you tell Jack he could be on the show?
Liz: Yeah, he was kind of excited about it actually.
Jonathan: Oh yeah, he’s very excited, but you cannot put him on live tv.
Pete: Why?
Jonathan: Ok. I’m only showing you this because I care about him so much.

[Jack’s Promo tape Bloopers!!!… Just watch. It’s way too good for me to ruin it by typing it here.]

Liz: And we’ll be right back.

Jack: I’m here to talk to you television about the monetizing of today broadcast. Was any of that usable?

Jack: It’s called racial integration. No that’s not right.

Jack: I have to do it. It’s a new challenge, and I like challenges. I’ve summated Kilimanjaro. I’ve showered with Greta Van Sustren. I’m gonna do this, yeah.

Jack: I’ll be with you in a minute. I have a conference call with my corporate division head.
Liz: Oh yeah, you guys gonna…correlate…overseas report…dynamics…?
Jack: Yes.

Jenna: Mmm…non-dairy creamer….yum! [gags]

Jack: What’s up Mr. Donaghy?
Liz: Oh that’s Josh’s line. Your lines are in blue.
Liz: You’re looking in the camera just a little bit.
Jack: I’m not. I want to. But I’m not. [looks into camera]

Liz: I know you want to do this, but I don’t think it’s working out.
Jack: I agree it’s the writing. It’s not natural.
Liz: Really, you think the problem is the writing?
Jack: Yeah it’s clunky.

Liz: Oh you should do it. It will be hilarious.
Jack: Well, that will be a refreshing change of pace for the show, wouldn’t it?

Pete: Why would Tracy pretend to be illiterate?
Liz: To get out of coming to work.
Pete: So first you thought he was illiterate? Now you think he’s lazy? Wow you, are racist.
Liz: No! Tracy took advantage of my white guilt. Which is to be used only for good. Like over tipping, and supporting Barak Obama.

Tracy: I had to go to reading class. Did you hear this mess about Y sometimes being a vowel?

Liz: That’s quite a commitment to such terrible writing.
Jack: Lemon, I don’t know how to do this.
Liz: I know.
Jack: [looking out window] I don’t get it. It’s not the fear. I thrive on fear.
Liz: Yeah, you’re lookin’ out a fake window right now, by the way.

Jack: I bow hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson to practice escaping. And it’s not the public speaking, there’s just something about performing I can’t wrap my brain around. All this creative crap. Acting. Ahhhh. I’ve never been able to do it. Never. [flash back to young Jack in school play.] Grains and cereals are an important…line! Damnit! Son of a bitch!

Jack: Lemon, I need your help.
Liz: Really, Jack Donaghy needs my…
Jack: Don’t gloat, it makes you seem man-ish.

Jack: Once I set my mind to something, I have to accomplish it. 10 years ago, I was an inch and a half shorter than I am today. Sheer will power!

Jack: Oh god the room is spinning! I’m one of your actors and freaking out! Talk me down!
Liz: Ok. Here’s your pep talk. You’re not an actor, you’re Jack Donaghy. So quit whining and nut up! You’re right if you can’t do this you are a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this. And she was once engaged to David Blaine.
Liz: Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack, so be a man and get it done.
Jack: If you were any other woman on Earth, I would be turned on right now.

Jenna: I hooked up with his boss.
Liz: Ron!? He’s an extra on the show!
Jenna: No you said he was Jack’s boss.
Liz: In the show! He doesn’t even have lines!
Jenna: He doesn’t have lines?!

Jenna: I am going to get back at them… Using my Sexuality!
Liz: Do you have any left?

Announcer: Jenna, Ghostface Killa, and Yoyo Ma to the set please, for Muffin Top.

Tracy: Where the hot lesbians at Lemon?
Liz: Ha! I knew it, you can read!
Tracy: Fine, I’m literate. I even have a column in Ebony magazine called “Musings.”

Tracy: That’s the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.
Liz: No Bill Cosby said that.
Tracy: That’s racist!
Pete: Look, we can all agree Liz is generally pretty racist.
Tracy: I just want to be able to do what I want to do. You know I shot a whole movie without even getting out of my car?
Pete: Yeah I paid to see that, that was a supposed to be a western.
Liz: I set a very high standard from myself and I expect the same of the professionals who work with me.
Josh: [walks in] When Gayberham Lincoln gets hit in the crotch, can I go cross-eyed?
Liz: Oh yes do that, that’s hilarious.

Jenna: Pete, the standards lady is saying my moaning in Muffin Top is too graphic. Which of these is less offensive? Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Or. Uhhh Uhh Ohh.?
Ron: Both sound good to me.
Jenna: Hello Ron.

Jack: Lemon, these pages are blank. [Liz flips them over] Oh. Nevermind. Withdrawn.

Jenna: Toofer? Can I tell you a secret? We’ve been working together awhile. And I know this may sound crazy, but I’ve been watching you. I have this fantasy of sneaking up to the roof of 30 Rock, and we make love while looking out at the city.
Toofer: Ok, let me guess. You figured out Frank and I lied to you. So to get even you’re trying to get me naked on the roof and leave me there?
Jenna: Where’s Frank?

[Jack watches himself in the sketch.]
Liz: Hey good job the other night.
Jack: Oh, you mean on the show? Thanks.
Liz: What were you watching?
Jack: Nothing…Blooper.
[Liz leaves then pops back in the door]: Ah ha!
Jack: Don’t be cute Lemon, you’re too told for that.

Jenna: Everyone knows that the most delicious part of the muffin, is the top. My muffin top is all that, whole gain low fat. You know you want a piece of that. But I just came to dance. Ch-checkin out my sweet hips, my sugar coated berry lips, I know you want to get with this, but I’m just here to dance. So Baaaack up off of me. You’re weiiiiiirding my out. (AH AH AH) I’m an independent lady. So do not try to play me. I run a tidy bakery. The boys all want my cake for free.

Pete: Does she know that we went off the air 2 minutes ago?
Liz: No she doesn’t.

Ratings: 3.2/5 5.19 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 75th

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