Originally Aired: November 30, 2006
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: Juan J. Campanella

Summary: Liz confesses she got back with her ex … only because he asked. Jack Donaghy fears that Liz is leading a life of mediocrity and takes it upon himself to be her mentor. Meanwhile, back at the show, Liz needs to deal with a physically-altered cast, including a face tattoo on Tracy; botox and collagen injections on Jenna and Josh sporting two black eyes from a run-in with an angry Liz Taylor.

Quotes:

Liz: It’s so sweet of you to walk me to work today.
Dennis: You’re my girl right? I take care of you. Huh? Who knows, maybe we’ll see Natalie Morales, you know? That little firecracker, she gets me blood running south of the border.
Liz: That is less sweet.

Dennis: Maybe I’ll pick up some Chinese.
Liz: Aww, you said Chinese instead of something offensive.

Jenna: You’re back with Dennis?
Liz: Yeah, back with Dennis.
[Jenna gives Liz a dirty look.]
Liz: Don’t look at me with your eyebrows all up, it’s so annoying.
Jenna: Oh, yes, I’m annoying. Not the man who honked your boobs on the Jumbo Screen.
Liz: That was before, and it was the playoffs.

Jenna: Does he still work at that beeper store? What is it, Beeper King?
Liz: He is the king now, the old Beeper King retired. Well, technically he shot himself. But Dennis took over, and now he’s the only beeper salesman left in Manhattan.
Liz: You’re doing the eyebrow thing again.
Jenna: Because it’s Dennis. Who are you trying to fool? This is me.
Liz: Exactly. You don’t get to give dating advice. You sent a letter to Scott Pederson.
Jenna: After he died his hair and got super thin from all the stress. Are you kidding me, he was smokin’!

Liz: Dennis is a good guy, ok.
Jenna: Not really.

Jenna: So when did this happen.
Liz: Well last week was my birthday, and everyone forgot except Dennis, and he called, and we went out, and it wasn’t too weird.
Jenna: And how is the sex?
Liz: Fast and only on Saturdays. It’s perfect.

Tracy: Did you see this?! It’s horrible! They’re printing liable about me! Liable, Liz Lemon!
Liz: Ugh, “Normal”! How dare they?
Tracy: That’s what I’m saying. That’s character assassination. That’s not normal. It only looks like I’m walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I’m doing the robot going backwards into a Starbucks. And I don’t even know who’s dog that is! Yes. I steal dogs.

Jenna: Well, my armpit rash is back. Oh my god, Jack! What are you doing in wardrobe?

Jack: The latest research is in. Our audience doesn’t like green.
Jenna: Well that’s too bad. I like green.
Jack: Research doesn’t lie Jenna, it lets us know what we’re thinking. What’s too boring, what’s too gay, what’s too old.

Jenna: What’s too old?
Jack: That’s a very good question, how old are you?
Jenna: I’m 29.
Jack: What year were you born?
Jenna: 1977.
Jack: What year did you graduate high school?
Jenna: ’94.
Jack: When do you turn 40?
Jenna: 2017.
Jack: Junior high crush?
Jenna: Kirk Cameron.
Jack: Prom theme?
Jenna: Motownphilly, Boys 2 Men.
Jack: What movie did you loose your virginity at?
Jenna: Arachnophobia.
Jack: Theater or drive-in?
Jenna: What’s a drive in?
Jack: Of course.

Liz: [to Cerie] So, these page numbers, when done correctly, should be sequential.

Frank: Sounds like someone loves Liz Taylor.
Josh: I do.
Toofer: No, we mean love love.
Frank: Yeah, like if she walked in right now, and said she wanted to do it with you, you would?
Josh: I definitely would.
Frank: What?

Jenna: Jack asked me how old I am.
Liz: What did you say?
Jenna: 29.
Liz: [Laughs.]
Jenna: When someone asks an actress how old she is. It’s more statement than question.
Cerie: When my mom’s feeling old, she goes to this guy on 71^st street. But she’s old. She’s like 38.
Jenna: I’m going to be sick.

Jack: Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist on punishing yourself with all this…mediocrity?
Liz: What, because I’m eating a turkey sub?
Jack: Your turkey sub, your clothes, the fact that a women of your resources and position lives like some boxcar hobo, or maybe it’s the fact that while I’m saying all this, you have a piece of lettuce stuck in your hair.

Jack: This is the unlisted number of Stone the most exclusive restaurant in the city, currently. I think it’s time you start enjoying some of the finer things in life.
Liz: Completely unsolicited and inappropriate. I will only accept it because I love food.

Jack: Do you know why Jack Welch is the greatest leader since the pharaohs?

Jack: This is a perfect example, you have a million dollar view, yet you refuse to acknowledge there’s a whole word out there. [Looks through blinds] Oh my! There appears to be a gentleman making passionate anally love to himself.
Liz: I know that’s why I closed the blinds in the first place.

Dennis: I got one for you. See the old guy over there, with the girl? Mistress or daughter?
Liz: Oh my god I hope it’s his daughter!
Dennis: Me too.
[The couple in question kisses]
Dennis: Oh my god I hope it’s his mistress.

Dennis: Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.
Jack: That’s a sharp tie you’ve got there Dennis.
Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
Jack: Does he know you’re the Beeper King?
Dennis: I don’t think so.

Liz: This is clearly the nicest restaurant we’ve ever been to.
Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain’t that nice, alright. It’s got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay.
Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker. Um, anyway, we’ll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you’ve made.

Kenneth: …and that former call girl went on to become one of NBC’s biggest news anchors.

Liz: Dennis is nice to me ok? He fixed my toilet. He broke it first, but he fixed it. And he loves hockey, and I’m…figuring it out.

Jenna: Ok, I had a little botox, and some collagen, and a chemical peel and something with shark DNA. Admit it, I look 10 years younger.
Liz: No, younger even. You look like a fetus.

Cerie: Is that a present for her? [Liz]
Dennis: Yeah, and if she doesn’t get here soon, I’m poking air holes in it.

Dennis: Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice, that uh, none of you are wearing beepers.
Frank: You sell beepers?
Dennis: I sell way of life my friend.
Frank: Cool. I could use some ironic accessories.

Dennis: Uh oh, it got out. If anyone sees a salamander, it’s Liz’s.

Jack: You enjoy that restaurant?
Dennis: No, I think I was right about that place. We saw a whole nest of rats when we were leaving.
Liz: No, we didn’t.
Dennis: I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d freak out. Actually, I think I saw a rat king.
Frank: Aren’t rat kings a myth?
Cerie: What’s a rat king?
Frank: Oh, it’s when a bunch of rats are crammed into a tiny space and their tails get all tangled up; and they can’t even pull apart.
Dennis: And it gets awesome. Eventually, their bodies fuse together and they form a multi-headed live rat king and we saw one.
[He puts his arm around Liz.]

Jack: Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with a camera on your beeper.
Dennis: Actually, my beeper doesn’t have a camera; but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.
Jack: [whispering to Liz] I love him.

Tracy: I got this tattoo for the good of the show. It give us and edge. The reason you brought me on. And when you get Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.

Tracy: You can’t put makeup on my tattoo Liz Lemon, it’s in my contract.
Liz: No it’s not!
Pete: Actually, he’s got a pretty weird contract.
Liz: Great, Jenna looks like a porn-star burn victim and now this idiot. What are we going to do?
Pete: It’s going to be Josh’s busiest show ever.

Liz Taylor: I’m here to give you the gift…Of pain!
Josh: Gift of what?
Liz Taylor: [beats him with a fire extinguisher] White Diamonds!

Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can’t. I’m expecting a call from 1983.

Jack: Liz, I wasn’t trying to set you up. I wanted to show you my handiwork. I used to mentor Howard.
Howard: I used to be a lot like you; dressed poorly, had bad posture, used to walk around with lettuce in my hair.
Liz: Oh! Son of a bitch.
Howard: …cursed like a sailor.

Pete: Liz Taylor really messed him up. He might have brain damage.
Liz: Oh my god! Maybe the musical guest can do some extra songs this week, who is it.
Pete: James Blunt.
Liz: Uhg.

Liz: [on phone at sandwich shop] No, I said no lettuce!
Pete: Are you at that crappy sandwich place again?
Liz: Why is everyone judging all my choices lately? This place is fine. It’s convenient. It’s consistent. It doesn’t make me feel bad about my body. And maybe I’m at an age where it’s ok for me to settle for this.
Pete: Are we still talking about the sandwich place?
Liz: No sadly I think we aren’t.

Liz: Ok I admit it. Dennis isn’t a sandwich I want to eat everyday for the rest of my life. I’m clueless about me. I’m clueless about everything else that isn’t this show. Maybe you can show me how to live because sadly you might be the most stable person I know right now.
Jack: [pauses] Gentlemen, we’ll have to continue this conference call some other time.

Jack: Lemon, today is the first day of the rest of your life; and what is the first thing you need to do?
Liz: I have to break up with Dennis.
Jack: And why is that?
Liz: Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair. Because that one little nice thing that he does, doesn’t make up for the fact that I don’t want to be seen with him in public.
Jack: And if you don’t break up with him now?
Liz: He’ll just keep showing up at work to sell beepers; he’ll just keep calling up my mother to borrow more money, we’ll just get more and more tangled up in each other’s lives ’till I can’t even get away and we’re just like… [gasps] Oh, my God!
Jack: That’s right! He’s the Rat King. And there’s only one way to break up with a rat, you have to cut him off completely.
Liz: I know.
Jack: You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tin foil. You must be ruthless, you must be absolute. Remember always you are the exterminator, say it!
Liz: I am the exterminator!
Jack: Say it like you mean it!
Liz: [louder] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Louder!
Liz: [shouting] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here.

Liz: Why is part of your face still on the pillow?
Tracy: Damnit! Where’s my Sharpie?
Liz: It is fake!
Tracy: Look, I’m crazy, not stupid. A movie star can’t have a permanent face tattoo. I just need to walk around with this for a week, get my picture on the interweb, show the world I’m still dangerous.
Liz: Then what about next week when you don’t have it any more? You’re going to look like…
Tracy: …I had extreme plastic surgery to have it removed? Ba-Boom! That’s another not normal!

Tracy: You take away my street credit, and I am Wayne Brady.
Liz: Na-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People’s Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.
Tracy: I shouldn’t expect a white woman from “Whiteville” to understand street cred.
Liz: First of all I’m not from Whiteville, I’m from Whitehaven. And it’s not as nice as it sounds.

Pete: Well, we had a good run.

Jack: What is your contingency plan for a crap storm of this magnitude?

Jack: No wonder you carrier is being held back by a lack of foresight, and an addiction to dysfunctional relationships. You have no exit strategies? [walks away]
Pete: He knows about my marriage?

Pete: Maybe we’ll be preempted by some national news event. How’s Gerald Ford’s health?

Jack: We dodge a bullet here tonight Lemon.
Liz: Yes, this blackout is a fortunate coincidence. You didn’t do it right?
Jack: What do you think I control the universe?

Jack: You’re on a plane to Boston tomorrow Trey, we have a laboratory there experimenting in tattoo removal. It promises to be one of our biggest profit centers once today’s generation finally sobers up.
Tracy: Tattoo’s fake Donaghy. Fake.
Jack: Street cred. He’s a genius.

Dennis: I wish I had burned this place down. There’s no reason to live anymore.
Liz: What happened?
Dennis: The islanders lost tonight.
Liz: Doesn’t that happen a lot?
Dennis: I knew you wouldn’t understand.

Jack: So, how did it go.
Liz: He moved in with me.
Jack: Well, of course he did.
[Liz’s beeper goes off.]

Ratings: 3.7/5 5.96 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 72nd

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