1.07 – Tracy Does Conan
Originally Aired: December 7, 2006
Written by: Tina Fey
Directed by: Adam Bernstein
Summary: Two starts arguing over a coveted appearance on ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’ (guest star Conan O’Brien) push Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) to the edge- Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) bumps Jenna Maroney’s (Jane Krakowski) scheduled appearance on ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’ by booking new star Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan). Jenna, still irate over watching the show change to “TGS with Tracy Jordan,” lashes out at Liz. To make matters worse, Tracy’s gone off his medication and he’s about to go on national television. Will Kenneth the Page (Jack McBrayer) fulfill his quest of finding Tracy’s prescription and control his erratic behavior? Will Jenna have a nervous breakdown? And will Liz ever break up with Dennis (Special guest star Dean Winters)? Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Keith Powell and Rachel Dratch also star.
Quotes:
Liz: Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen?
Dennis: The water in here is softer.
Dennis: Look at this ski jumping idiot Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode?
Liz: That cereal has the Olympics on it? It must be, like, eight months old.
Dennis: When you and me have kids we’re going to give them good names like “Shannon” or “Rick.”
Liz: When we what?!
Dennis: When we have kids, Dummy, come on.
Dennis: Look at this maze. It’s so easy. I mean you go in here and out there.
Nurse: Now, make sure you drink plenty of fluids and get something to eat. And don’t do anything strenuous tonight. Don’t hit the clubs.
Liz: No, I’m going straight home actually; I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. I can’t take it anymore.
Nurse: 35, Single, no children. 3 sexual partners in the last 10 years? I dunno doll, maybe it’s time to settle.
Jenna: I just feel like everything always gets taken away from me.
Liz: No that’s not true. What about that movie you did last summer?
Jenna: The Rural Juror?
Liz: Yeah…the Rurrr…that one.
Jenna: Maybe if Jack knew I had a film career, he’d treat me with more respect.
Announcer: Jenna to the set please, Jenna to the set please for “Rodney Stink, Confirmed Bachelor.”
Pete: What the hell’s her movie called?
Liz: I don’t know she’s been talking about it for a year. I can’t ask her now.
Pete: I can’t believe Conan’s going to have Tracy on again after what happened last time.
[Flashback]
Conan: You seem like you have a nice chemistry…
Tracy: I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you. [Stabs at Conan]
Jack: I know your wearing that wig as a joke, but it makes you look younger and more confident, and I think you should consider it.
Liz: Why did you bump Jenna from Conan?
Jack: Because if I have a choice between an international movie star and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite…
Liz: No, no, no. Jenna doesn’t do those commercials anymore. She got fired
Jack: I don’t do these things just to drive you crazy, Lemon. I do them for the good of the show.
Liz: Well, I’m the one who always has to clean up the mess afterwards.
Jack: That’s why my job is way better than yours.
Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.
Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What’s the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.
Tracy: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toofer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we’ll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I’ll put on a ski mask…
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who’s still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No.
Tracy: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies’ room at The Ivy…
Pete: No.
Jack: I’m introducing Jack Welch at a dinner at the Waldorf. What’s a funny little quip I could open up with?
Liz: That’s why you called me up here? Ok. Yum. Good evening. It’s great to be here, the beautiful Waldorf-Historia. I haven’t seen this many white people in tuxedos since the Titanic.
Jack: Lemon, this is not open night mike at the Bren Mar student union. This is a thousand dollar a plate fundraiser.
Liz: Ok how about, “Wow, a thousand dollars a plate. For that kind of money, this stuffed chicken breast better paint my house.”Jack: Let me tell you what I was thinking of saying. Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills; they named Welch’s Grape Juice after him. Because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers Mind Grapes.
Jack: Cookie in the middle of the day?
Liz: I gave blood.
Jack: Does that burn calories?
Tracy: What else is on my mind grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you are thinking of.
Tracy: Who’s that dude?
Frank: Uh, what dude?
Tracy: The blue dude. Tell him to stop starting at me. I don’t like that dude. I don’t like that dude.
Frank: You missed it. Tracy was acting old school bananas.
Liz: He’s always bananas.
Toofer: No this was different.
Frank: Yeah, like Conan should be afraid different.
Liz: Ah! Frank! That was my blood cookie!
Frank: Ew. What? [takes a bite out of cookie]
Jack: Pete, where’s your charisma?
Pete: What?
Jack: The wig, I prefer that you wear it.Jack: I know your skeptical Pete, here, I want you to do something. Pull my hair. Right now, go ahead, pull my hair… [Pete reaches for his hair]…I’m just kidding. It’s real. I’m not…like you.
Liz: Tracy, Who is your doctor?!
Tracy: Dr. Spaceman! Dr. Spaceman!
Liz: Oh brother look around, we have to find his medication.
Tracy: Dr. Spaceman, Dr. Spaceman.
Liz: [reads bottle]: Wow. Dr. Spaceman. I owe you an apology Trey.
Dr. Spaceman: [answering phone] This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz: Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think he’s having a reaction to some of the medication you’ve put him on.
Dr. Spaceman: I was afraid this might happen. You know, he’s on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that there’s no telling how they’ll mix. But, what can you do? Medicine’s not a science.
Liz: What exactly are you treating him for?
Dr. Spaceman: There’s not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically, it’s erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety, and certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments. [Laughs] Boy, I’m being awfully open with you, miss. I should not have taken those blue things…
Liz: So, is he dangerous?
Dr. Spaceman: No, he should be fine; so long as you keep him away from bright lights, loud music, and crowds. You know, I’ll call in a prescription for something to settle him down as soon as possible. Do you need anything for yourself?
Liz: What? No! Just where can I pick up Tracy’s prescription?
Jack: Did you call Dr. Spaceman.
Liz: Yeah I did.
Jack: Then he’ll be fine. Leo’s an excellent physician. And a pretty good dentist.
[Pete walks in with wig]
Liz: What?
Pete: Don’t ask!
Jack: Who is this leader of men!? What can I do for you handsome?
Jenna: Liz. I wanted you to be the first to know, after the way Jack treated me today, I can’t work here any more. I quit.
Liz: Jenna, I really don’t have time for this.
Jenna: Then I guess this is goodbye.
Liz: Ok. Jenna, don’t quit. The show can’t go on without you. You’re my muse. You’re a modern day Lucile Ball. You’re prettier than Debra Messing. Please don’t quit.
Jenna: Well, if that’s the way you fell. I’ll stay.
Liz: Dennis what do you want?
Dennis: You got to do me a huge favor. You got to call Ticketmaster right away. Nickleback just added another date, right? And I would do it on your computer, but I’m downloading a game right now.
Liz: No I can’t do that for you.
Conan: Hey Liz, what’s up.
Liz: Oh hi Conan, how are you?
Conan: Good. You still going out with that guy from the pager store?
Liz: [laughs] Who? Dennis? …yeah. You still um…how’s your wife.
Conan: Let’s not do this Elizabeth.
[Tracy makes noises]
Liz: Vocal Warm ups! I’ll tell him you stopped by.
Liz: Chewbacca may I talk to Tracy plase?
[Pete walks in with wig]
Pete: How’s it going?
Tracy: No! Past Pete is here to kill future Pete!
Kenneth: I’m here to pick up a prescription for…[whispering]…Mr. Tracy Jordan.
Kenneth: Fine, I will try the other location. But frankly, LaDonica, you have not been real helpful.
Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?
Tracy: Blue man! You’re going to tell me my feet stink? You don’t even have feet! Blue man! Blue man, where’s your feet at?
Conan: Or you may know him from his last appearance on this show, where he tried to stab me in the face.
Liz: Pants on! Pants on!
Conan: Good to have you here. That was great and you’re…and he’s asleep. Which is ok, cause at least he didn’t murder me.
Kenneth: Well, I got started in the NBC page program. And before you know it, I’m making hit movies with my good friend, and roommate Zach Braff. …What?…Who told you that?… Well, yes, I do know how to clog. But I don’t think anyone wants to see me do that. …Really? You do? Ok! [Clogs]
Conan: You’re a weird guy Kenneth.
Kenneth: See you tomorrow Mr. O’Brien.
Ratings: 4.2/6 6.84 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 57th
