Originally Aired: December 14, 2006
Written by: Dave Finkel, Brett Baer
Directed by: Scott Ellis

Summary: Liz (Tina Fey) finally calls it quits with Dennis (Guest Star Dean Winters) while personal politics pit Toofer (Keith Powell) against Tracy (Tracy Morgan) — Finally fed up with the boorish antics of her beeper salesman boyfriend Dennis (Dean Winters), Liz (Tina Fey) sends him packing and attempts to hit the New York singles scene under the guidance of Jenna (Jane Krakowski). Meanwhile, Jack (Alec Baldwin) deals with his own relationship woes, as he discovers dating a high-ranking official in the Bush Administration may be more difficult than he first thought. The war of words between Toofer (Keith Powell) and Tracy (Tracy Morgan) escalates, forcing some much-needed sensitivity training for the two cast members. Also starring Jack McBrayer, Judah Friedlander, Scott Adsit and Rachel Dratch.

Quotes:

Liz: Whose horse is that?
Dennis: That’s my cousin, Teddy’s Great Dane. I told him I’d watch it for a couple of weeks, cause Teddy broke his ankle running from black guys who pulled a gun on him.
Liz: Now why was it important to tell me that the muggers were black?
Dennis: They weren’t muggers, they were cops.
Liz: So why don’t you just say he was running from some cops?
Dennis: I don’t know, I mean, you’re a racist for assuming they weren’t cops.

Liz: Who is this?
Dennis: Oh that’s Teddy.
Liz: Get out! I want you out of here.
Dennis: You can’t kick me out, I love you.
Liz: No, get your stuff and get out. I’m not doing this anymore.
Dennis: You can’t kick me out, I got squatters rights.
Liz: Which is it? You love me, or you have squatters right?
Dennis: I don’t see why they’re mutually exclusive.

Jenna: It’s about time you broke up with him, he’s a complete looser.
Liz: Oh Jenna, don’t say that. He had some good moments.
[Flashbacks]
Dennis: Alright, I got doughnuts.
Dennis: What’s up Brown eye’s? I made chili.
Dennis: Hey, wanna, wanna order cheese steaks?
[Fashbacks]
Liz: I guess they were mostly food related.

Jenna: I’m taking you out to celebrate. We’ll meet some new people.
Liz: You mean at like a disco Tec?
Jenna: Oh boy.

Jack [oh phone]: So when can we see each other again? … What are you wearing? … Black dress…black stockings….a funeral! Ok I’m sorry.

Jack: Why are you crying? Did the Liberty loose again last night?

Jack: Allergies are all in the mind. I used to have a wicked peanut allergy. And now, witness. [eats a peanut]

Jack: As I’m sure you surmised from that call, I’m seeing a woman of late.
Liz: Yeah, who’s the lucky lady?
Jack: Let’s just say she’s a high ranking African American member of the Bush Administration.
Liz: Are you dating Condoleezza Rice?
Jack: [smiles] I’m not at liberty to say. The point is my lady friend is an egg head like, much like yourself. Not my usual thing, and I need your advice. We’re having a lot trouble connecting lately. She has a lot of traveling.
Liz: Yeah and it must be hard for her to get cell phone reception when she is so far up the presidents butt.
Jack: I’m choosing to ignore that remark under the basis that you are a godless glassy eyed Clinton Easton. Now I want to my friend something personal. Do you think that she would prefer this handsome attaché, which says you are a women of substance and I respect you? Or this collection of ladies’ unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place?
Liz: Attaché!

Toofer: I just think it’s demeaning for a black man to do drag.
Frank: What? Everybody loves a dude in a dress. I mean those are the best Bugs Bunnys.

Toofer: Drag is a way for Caucasians to immaculate you and make you seem non-threatening. We never would have stooped so low on Black Frasier.

Toofer: All the best African American comedians refuse to do drag. Chris Rock doesn’t do it. Dr. Cosby doesn’t do it.
Tracy: Bernie Mac doesn’t do it…cause he’d be ugly as hell. Forget it. I’m not wearing this dress! It’s prejudicial
Frank: Thanks a lot. Now what am I supposed to do with this sketch?
Josh: I’ll do it. I mean my parents raised me as a girl for like 10 years… What? I told you guys that.

Tracy: You burned me. There is nothing wrong with a black comedian wearing a dress. Eddie does it. Martian does it. Jamie Fox. Bret Wilson. Woopi Goldberg does it every day!

Tracy: I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.
Frank: He’s totally right.

Toofer: I got a concept for a sketch that I think you might like. You and Jenna play Sleezeslacks from Land of the Lost. And you’re trying to get a small business loan, because you want to open a pancake house called “Sleezestacks.”
Tracy: Are you black?!

Jack: I know what I know. Next time I see Putin I’m going to kick his teeth in.

Toofer: [looking at dictionary] Oh, here it is. “izzle” a suffix that can be used to take the place of anything.
Tracy: Now you’re just being Patron-izzle.
Frank: You know who would love this argument? My racist grandfather. [Dials phone]
Tracy: I thought writing with you would be like two brothers writing together. We’re not even speaking the sane language.
Toofer: That’s right, I’m speaking English.
Frank: Just listen… just listen.
Tracy: Who raised you? Standing there with your pants that fit, using a wallet, drinking Starbucks, and what is this?
Toofer: That’s my Harvard a capella group, The Crocadillos. “I had a solo in Like a Prayer.”
Tracy: Come on, where’s your heritage? My brother, my homeboy, my ni…[vacuum]

Gentleman: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Liz: Really dude? I got to move my coat? There are like 4 empty seats over there – can’t you just be cool?
Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he’d buy me mozzarella sticks?

Liz: Really? You think that she looks like Jessica Simpson? You could put a long blonde wig on a ferret and it would look like Jessica Simpson.

Liz: I really didn’t think I was going to meet anybody tonight. But we have so much in common.
[Liz looks away and another guy walks up and kisses the man she was talking to]
Liz: Also you have pretty eyes. Oh hi!

Liz: I thought bars were open until 4!?
Jenna: Nope, 11:30. Let’s get you to bed.

Jack: What seems to be the problem, Toofer?
Toofer: Mr. Jordan called me the n-word.
Jack: And?
Toofer: And I was really offended.
Liz: Because….?
Toofer: Because it’s a racial slur.
Tracy: Brothers talk to other brothers like that. I was being friendly.
Jack: Yes Toofer, you see in the last decade or so, the African American community has reappropriated that work, as a way of depriving it of it’s meaning. [laughs] just don’t try to tell my girl friend that.

Toofer: I want to be to my brother, my homeboy, my n [vacuum]
All: OH!
Jack: This meeting is adjourned.
Tracy: Not cool homie. You might as well just spray me down with a fire hose.
Liz: It just sounds so hateful coming from you.
Tracy: I wish to file a complete.

Liz: Dennis, what are you doing here?
Dennis: I’m moving into my new apartment, so I just got one last thing to say to you then I’ll be out of your life forever. Dear Liz Lemon, though other women have bigger boobs than you. No women has a big a heart. And when I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us. And for the first time since the ’86 World Series, I cried. I cried like a big dumb homo. And if it were up to me, we’d be together forever. But there is a new thing called “Women’s Liberation” which gives women a right to choose and you have chosen to abort me. And that I must live with.

Liz: And that is why we are no longer a couple.
Frank: That guy just came in here and bared his sole to you.
Cerie: What are you? Made of stone?

Liz: He had his bad moments too.
[Flashback]
Dennis: Hey, threesome? How about it?

Jack: That’s why I’m always dating 20 year olds.
Dennis: Let me tell you about 20 year olds, half of them are 16.

Dennis: It’s like my cousin Teddy’s dog. Sometimes he just doesn’t want to lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days. And then when he sees them, he goes bananas. So you see in this example, Liz is the dog, and I am my feet. Do you see what I’m saying?
Jack: Yes, I believe I do.

Pamela Smew: Each of you is here because you were insensitive to a coworker. Ok? You might have used one of the words I call the “uh oh” words. Such as slut, ho, bitch, biotch, queer burger, fagatron, gay bird. The word for black in any language. So what else? What else can we not call each other?
Man #1: How about Sweaty Grease balls?
Pamela: Oh yes that’s very good. That’s highly offensive.
Man #2: How about ‘Person of color’?
Pamela: Well I guess if you say it like that.
Tracy: Sneaky Taiwanese Tawny who stole my wash.
Pamela: YES! There words are terrible.

Tracy: As Professor Martin Luther King said, “I have a feeling.”
Toofer: It is Doctor Martin Luther King, and he did not have a feeling, he had a dream.
Tracy: Oh the dude wears khakis. Uncle John party of one! Uncle John party of one.

Jack: Guess where I was last night?
Liz: Mark Foley’s pajama party?
Jack: No. Kandahar.
Liz: Afghanistan?!

Jack: I broke up with her.
Liz: Really? What happened?
Jack: Well I finally realized we’re not compatible. I mean I’m all for fantasy role play but Abu Ghraib?

Liz: [writes under Pro]: Jack likes Dennis. [writes under Con] Jack likes Dennis.

Dennis: I just wanted to drop off your Christmas present. I had already bought it for you. It’s a fancy brief case. Cause you classy and important, like a dude.

Chris Hansen: [confronts Dennis, on “To Catch A Predator”] Good evening sir, I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC. Can I ask what you’re doing here?
Dennis: I’m here to boff some chick named Mary.
Chris Hansen: Boff some chick named Mary… do you know how old Mary is?
Dennis: 22… I think?
Liz: OH MY GOD!
Dennis: Oh crap! That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22!
Liz: Get OUT of my apartment!
Dennis: This happened while we were broken up!
Liz: No no no no no. I was right about you. This is a con, by the way. You on Dateline is a CON!

Liz: You can’t break up with me! I already broke up with you!
Dennis: Fine, then we agree to disagree! [Slams door. TV smashes down.]

Ratings: 4.0/6 5.94 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 64th

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