Originally Aired: January 04, 2007
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: Michael Engler

Summary: Liz (Tina Fey) and Jack (Alec Baldwin) both battle maternal woes — When the clueless teenage receptionist Cerie (Katrina Bowden) announces her sudden engagement to a wealthy Greek heir, Liz (Tina Fey) contemplates her own marital – and maternal – future, while the seemingly unbreakable Jack (Alec Baldwin) crumbles underneath the weight of his own “mommy issues.” Tracy Morgan, Jane Krakowski, Jack McBrayer, Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell, Lonny Ross and Rachel Dratch also star. With special guest star Chris Parnell (“Saturday Night Live”) reprising his role as the doctor of dubious medical ethics, Dr. Leo Spaceman.

Quotes:

Cerie: Hey, guess what everyone! I’m engaged.
Frank: Hey, this isn’t going to change the way you dress or eat lollipops is it?
Cerie: No.
Frank: Oh. Then, congratulations.

Liz: How long is Jack going to be?
Jonathan: He’s still on the phone. Area code 407?! Oh no! When did this happen?!
Liz: 407? Is that bad?
Jonathan: It’s fine! It’s going to be just fine!
Jack: [yelling] Jonathan! These cheap phones keep on shattering!
Jonathan: [to Liz] You can go in now.
Liz: No!

Jack: Who let 407 though? We have drills for this!
Jonathan: Liz distracted me?

Liz: What’s going on? Business got you down?
Jack: Business doesn’t get me down. Business gets me off.

Jack: Do you realize that your little show accounts for 3% of our revenue but takes up 90% of my time?

Liz: Wow he’s a little bit of a stress eater huh?
Jonathan: [grabs her arm] He puts up with so much!

Announcer: Jenna to the stage please, for “Jazz Police.”

Liz: Sounds like another great party I wasn’t invited too.

Josh: Tracy, thank you for the funnest night of my life. I love you man.
Tracy: Love you too J-Bird!
[Josh leaves]
Tracy: Yo I don’t like that dude.

Tracy: How would you like it if I did and impression of you Liz Lemon? “Hi! I’m Liz Lemon. I wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.”
Liz: I don’t skateboard.
Tracy: Hurts, doesn’t it?

Liz: I’m not firing Josh.
Tracy: You always take his side.
[Flashback]
Liz: Tracy, stop tazering him!

Liz: So Cerie, how long have you known this guy that you’re marrying?
Cerie: It will be 2 months…in 3 weeks.

Cerie: We both want to have babies while it’s still cool. I already have all the names picked out. If it’s a girl; Bookcase, or Sandstorm, or maybe Hat, but that’s more of a boys name.
Liz: Yeah I was going to say.

Liz: There’s no big hurry to have babies. There are other things in life like a career, or working, or having a job, or working.
Cerie: You can have a career at anytime. But you only have a short period where you can be a young hot mom. If you wait to long you could be like…50 at your kids graduation.
Liz: 50’s not that old, Cerie.
Cerie: I’m sorry, are you 50 now?

Jenna: Paul Newman, or Robert Redford?
Liz: I’ve told you a thousand times, Newman. Because I enjoy his salad dressings and lemonade.
Jenna: Ok. Brad Pitt, or George Clooney?
Liz: Do you think I’d be a good mother?
Jenna: [surprised] What?!
Liz: [almost crying] Something is kicking in. And the last few months I’ve just started wondering if I’m going to have a baby. I’m so many steps away from being able to do it. And I panic that maybe I waited to long. And what if my junk goes bad? What if Cerie is right?
Jenna: [taking Liz’s glass] Wow. Red wine is not your drink.

Jack: [on phone with his mother] …because you agreed with this. I did not make you sign anything. I will not be intimidated by you!
Kenneth: Good morning Mr. Donaghy.
Jack: Go to hell!
Kenneth: No thank you!

Kenneth: My mother always told me that even when things seem bad, there’s someone else who’s having a worse day. Like being stung by a bee. Or getting a splinter. Or being locked to the wall in someone’s sex dungeon.
Jack: Isn’t that a kick in the soft stuff. Kenneth, you get strength from your mother while mine is sucking the life out of me.

Jack: I run companies. Plural. But to that woman, I’m always going to be the punk kid who cried when Pop was run over by a mail truck.
Kenneth: Oh my, a mail man killed your dad?
Jack: No, Pop was my dog. My dad left when I was two. So I grew up calling my collie, Pop.
Kenneth: My mother is my best friend.
Jack: My mother tried to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me. I was twelve.

Dr. Spaceman: [answering phone] This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz: [confused] Oh, hi. I’m sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?
Dr. Spaceman: I’m also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can’t personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Frank: Hey so, Jenna told us you’re looking for a baby daddy?
Liz: She what?!
Frank: Yeah…So?
Liz: So? Are you kidding me?!
Toofer: Now ok, before you say no, I just want to say, our child would have a leg up on getting into Harvard.
Liz: Oh, really? Did you go to Harvard? Cause you haven’t mentioned it in like three hours.
Frank: Our kid would have strong flat feet.
Lutz: And if you choose me, I agree not to take my shirt off. But I do like to get yelled at during sex.
Liz: You’re disgusting!
Lutz: Heh. Yeah, that’s a good start.

Liz: Didn’t you have a vasectomy?
Pete: No, I just told my wife I did.
Liz: And she doesn’t get pregnant how?
Pete: I fake it.

Greta: Excuse me, Miss Lemon. I’m not usually this formal, nor this bold. But I figure time is on neither one of our sides. [To Pete] Could you excuse us for a second?
Liz: I kind of like him to stay.
Greta: Very well. Miss Lemon. Liz. I’d like to carry your child, if I might. I own a small ferret farm about sixty miles north of the city. It’s not much, but it is self sufficient. I can get cable if you want cause I know how much you like TV. Sometimes I watch you watching it.
[Liz and Pete walk away]
Greta: Think about it.

Josh: [imitating Tracy] The Mars probe didn’t break. It was attacked by a Martian Cougar!

Liz: [To Josh] You better fix this nerd. Otherwise Jack Donaghy’s going to kill me, and then he’s going to kill you, and then he’s gonna fold us up in a pizza and eat us.

Josh: [Imitating Jack on the phone] Tracy, it’s Jack Donaghy. I hear we have a problem with Josh Girard.
Tracy: Damn right! He keeps impersonating me! Making me into a caricature.
Josh: Well, I would take care of this if I could. But it’s tricky. You see, Josh’s father is an assassin for the Russian mafia. They call him, El Matador.
Tracy: Woah, those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don’t need any of that noise.
Josh: It happys me, to hear you say that. For being so understanding, I’m sending you our new, secret top secret invisible motorcycle.
Tracy: For reals?
Josh: For realsies. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see a doctor. I keep pooping during sex.

Jack: Lemon, we have a problem.
Liz: I have this whole Tracy Josh thing under control.
Jack: What are you talking about?
Liz: Nothing. What are you talking about?

Jack: I should have known this would be a problem when I decided to mentor a woman.

Jack: Well if you insist on going all Murphy Brown on me, let me give you a tip. Don’t smother your child with affection to compensate for not having a man in your life. Don’t say “you’re the only man I’ll ever love,” even babies know that’s creepy.
Liz: Of course!
Jack: Don’t put little notes in their lunch bag that say “Mommies watching you.” People find those things.
Liz: But I bet you behaved yourself.
Jack: If your child is a terrific hockey player, and a gifted flautist, don’t make them play the National Anthem on the flute in front of his teammates.
Liz: Your mother did that?

Jack: You don’t know my mother. This is a woman who actually had a heart attack to prevent me from going on my honeymoon.
Liz: Maybe her heart broke because she’s spent 20 years raising you and you’re a total ingrate.
Jack: That’s exactly what she said. Is this what you want Lemon, to breath life into another human being just to spend the rest of your days slowly sucking it out of them.

Jack: Hello mother, so nice to hear your voice. No, I am not on anything. I know that things have been difficult for you lately and I was thinking you carried me for nine months, let me carry you now… WELL RIGHT BACK AT YOU COLLEEN! That’s right! You cut Pops balls off! And left him in the street to die!

Liz: Do not bother Jack. He’s in a very weird place right now.
Tracy: Bebe Jackson’s condo?
Liz: No.
Tracy: A children’s clothing sore in Dubai?
Liz: No. Stop guessing!

Liz: How did Jack sound? What did he say?
Tracy: Nothing unusual. Russian mobs. Invisible motorcycle. Sex pooping.

Liz: Now you got to call Tracy, as Jack.
Josh: Or, I could call him as Christopher Walken.
Liz: Do you not understand what we’re doing?

Liz: [at apartment with stolen baby.] How did I get home? [to baby] Why didn’t you say something?

Josh: Please don’t hurt me. I can’t help it. It just pours out of me. [imitates Jack] I’m Jack Donaghy. I’m important. I just bought the moon.

Jack: Every day, for the rest of your or her life. And she will our live you. She’s like Castro.

Liz: It was like highway hypnosis, you know, when you pull into your driveway and you don’t remember driving home.
Pete: Oh right, right. And you have someone else’s baby in your car.
Liz: Oh I feel so terrible.
Pete: Give me the baby. I’ll try to smooth things over. What’s her name?
Liz: Well Anna calls her Isobel, but I call her Nancy.

Jenna: Stealing a baby? Really?

Liz: You’re loving this, aren’t you?
Jack: Oh yes. I’m a big fan of kidnapping, especially by my middle management.

Jack: So that thing you were saying about listening to your mind and not your body? How’s that working out?
Liz: My body is telling me several things. First of all, I need to start working out; that kids was killing my arms. Number two, I can be very happy with a baby that looks nothing like me and didn’t bake in my oven. Three, I need to let myself have a personal life.

Jack: I’ve been telling you that for 5 months.
Liz: Well you’re right again. Right it down in your little “I’m awesome” book.

Jack: Where are you going? You have a rehearsal about to start.
Liz: I stole a baby. I’m taking a half day.
Jack: Fair enough.
Liz: I’ve got to do some thinking. Maybe it’s impossible to have it all; career the family. [gets in elevator.] But if anyone can figure it out how to do it, it’s me.
Jack: That’s going up.
Liz: Ah! Nerds!

Ratings: 4.0/6 5.82 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 76th

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