Originally Aired: January 11, 2007
Written by: Matthew Hubbard
Directed by: Beth McCarthy

Summary: Jenna (Jane Krakowski) awaits the opening of her long-anticipated movie while Tracy (Tracy Morgan) digs himself out of debt. - While Jenna anxiously awaits the limited release of her indie film, “The Rural Juror,” Liz (Tina Fey) and the writers are loathe to confess they can’t even grasp the tongue-twister of a title. Meanwhile, Tracy, desperate for some financial help, heeds Jack’s (Alec Baldwin) advice and creates his own celebrity product to endorse. Jack McBrayer, Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell, Lonny Ross and Rachel Dratch also star. With special guest star Chris Parnell reprising his role as the doctor of dubious medical ethics, Dr. Leo Spaceman.

Quotes:

Tracy: I need 60,000 dollars or I’m gonna loose my house.
Jack: Which house?
Tracy: I need 100,000 dollars or I’m gonna loose both my houses.
Jack: Tracy, I don’t understand. You’ve starred in fourteen films; you don’t have any money saved?
Tracy: No, I lost all of it.
Jack: Really? Who’s your money manager?
Tracy: Grizz.
Grizz: Worldcom, man. Worldcom.
Jack: Look, Tracy, I can’t just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need.
Jack: You must know Arsenio.
Tracy: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?
Tracy: No.

Jack: A few years ago, Arsenio Hall came to a colleague of mine with a similar problem. My friend suggested that we brand Arsenio, put his name and face on a product because of Arsenio’s “woof-woof” catchphrase. We settled on dog food; the product was a runaway success; the company and Arsenio made millions.
Tracy: I like dat. Put my name on something. But what would I sell?
Jack: The product is irrelevant. The people aren’t buying that; they’re buying you. Now, you come back with an idea of a product you’d be willing to sell, anything at all; and you’ll have all the money you can dream of.

Jenna: Hey I got to miss an hour of rehearsal today, cause I just found out from my publicist that I’ve been booked on the View.
Pete: Oh Jenna, that’s great! For the first time in your life, you’ll be in a room full of women and you’ll be the least crazy one.

Pete: You still don’t know what the title is?
Liz: No no. No one does. It’s gone on way to long to ask her about it.
[Cut to writers of the Rural Juror]
Writer #1: This title isn’t hard to understand right?
Writer #2: No! It’s awesome. I love that we can work while were on cocaine.
[End Flashback]
Liz: Could it be “Rule her Gem her?”
Pete: No that doesn’t make any sense. It’s got to be “Oral Germ Whore”

Jenna: Maybe I’ll start to get some respect around here.
Frank: [walks in] What’s up flabby but? You look weird today?

Frank: Hey Pete, want to see a comic book with pregnant zombie nuns.
Pete: Yes I do.

Jenna: The source material was amazing. It’s hard to go wrong with a Kevin Grisham novel.
Liz: You mean John Grisham?
Jenna: Oh no, Kevin, John’s brother. Did you know that before Kevin was a novelist, he worked at a recycling center?

Liz: We’ve come a long way from that little apartment we shared in Little Armenia.
Jenna: It was so weird there. You remember that neighborhood festival where they killed the goat in the street?
Liz: Yes! But we did have really good luck year.

Kenneth: I know a gentleman who had a lot of crazy ideas. He was a carpenter. He wanted everyone to love one another.
Tracy: Oh, you mean Jesus?
Kenneth: No, Miguel, from set design.

Tracy: Eureko!

Liz: You got to tell them, that when Paris Hilton tries to make out with the bear, the bear has to act like he’s into it.
Pete: Right.

Tracy: Tired of your sandwich making you angry? The behold; The Tracy Jordan Meat Machine! Stick any three meats, whatever you want; Baloney, Salami, boar, whatever!

Tracy, Grizz & Dot Com: Meat is the new bread!

Tracy: To GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?
Jack: Oh no. GE could never make something so…unique. We’ll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [Pulls down flow chart]. You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado which interns own JMI of Stanford, which is a majority share holder of pokerfastlane.com which recently aquired the Shinhardt Wig Company, which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works, which own the Ahp Chanagi Party Meats Corporation of Pyong Yang, North Korea. And they, will make the Meat Machine.

Tracy: Jack Donaghy, you’re the best. You know what, I’m gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I got two ears and a heart don’t I?

Josh: Hey, do you know the name of Jenna’s movie yet?
Liz: Oh yeah she gave me a screener.
Josh: Ok!
Liz: No no no, I’m not telling you anything about it. I’m not giving you more ammunition to make fun of her with.
Frank: So it’s bad.
Liz: [sighs]

Announcer: Tracy to the stage please for “Pull Your Own Wisdom Teeth.”

Jenna: Liz please, for once be honest with me, I want your real opinion.
Liz: I thought the story was preposterous, I thought the acting was over the top, and I thought it was about an hour too long.
Jenna: It’s only 90 minutes.
Liz: It’s kind of a train wreck.

Dr. Spaceman: [looking at X-rays] Dimmit, where are my car keys.
Jack: We have a product we want you to give a medical endorsement to.
Dr. Spaceman: I’ll do it! What is it?
Jack: It’s called the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. It’s a dual press grill.
Dr. Spaceman: Say no more. If it’s giving people meat, then I’m onboard. I’ve always said ‘Humans need more animal blood.” It keeps the spine straight.
Jack: We appreciate it, Leo.
Dr. Spaceman: You boys need anything while you’re here? Some reds? Yellows? Just got some purples in from Brazil.

Barbra Walters: [interviewing Jenna] Now the Rural Juror is a true story of Rory Jurnor, who’s pure fury injures a terrible murder.
Frank: I feel like I’m getting further away from it.

Josh: Last night I broke into Liz’s office. I got Jenna’s movie.
Toofer: How’d you get in there?
Josh: That weird security guard Tony let me in. I also looked on Liz’s computer. Her last two Google searches were for singles yoga and scalp pain.
Frank: That is grim.
Toofer: [Reads title] The Rural Juror?
Josh: That’s disappointing. I had to let Tony watch pee to get that tape.

Jenna: You’re wrong about it Liz. It’s getting some very positive early review. TeenMovieSceen.com gave it five out of five iPods.

Jenna: Pete, can you tell Liz Lemon not to stand in my eye line while I’m rehearsing please?
Liz: Pete, could you tell Jenna she smells like a stripper.
Pete: So, are you guys still fighting?
Liz: We reached kind of an understanding. She’s not talking to me and to retaliate, I’m writing impressions for her that she can’t do.
Jenna: [imitatin Bill Clinton] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Tracy: [doing commercial] Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but we’ve already needed it. Until now. By burning three different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meet Machine takes bread out of equation. Now you’re sandwich is all of the good stuff. That’s delicious!
Dr. Spaceman: And it’s healthy. Hi, I’m Dr. Leo Spaceman. I’m a working physician with a degree from the Ho Chi Minh School of medicine.
Tracy: Dr. Spaceman, is it true that bread eats away at your brain?
Dr. Spaceman: We have no way of knowing, because the powerful bread lobby keep stopping my research!
Tracy: Well folks, bread will never maybe attack your brain again. Because, say it with me, “Meet is the new bread!”

Liz: Where did you guys get this tape.
Frank: Josh broke into your office.
Liz: You went in my office without permission?
Josh: Because I was worried about you scalp pain.

Jenna: Look at her, she can’t stand that I’m in something good.
Frank: It’s probably because of her own intellectual insecurities.
Liz: What? Frank shut up.
Frank: Fine, dismiss me. I guess because I look weird I can’t be perceptive.

Jenna: Do I have to wear the nose tonight?
Liz: Yes, you do.
Jenna: Ok. Well then I hope you get bird flu and die.

Jenna: You are a big fake Liz! She doesn’t even need those glasses.
Liz: Really? I’m a fake, Blondie? I’m a fake?

Jenna: I’m sorry that we’re not all weeping with gratitude for getting to read your words. I’m so glad I studied voice at Northwestern so I can do raps about Suri Cruise.
Liz: Oh please, if it weren’t for me you’d still be slutting it up for car dealership owners so they’d put you in their commercials.
Jenna: So now I’m a slut? Well let me tell you something. This slut slept with your brother!
Liz: Mitch?!
Jenna: Yeah, and let me tell you something about Mitch, he’s disgusting in bed.
Liz: You know he’s not right! He was in a really bad skiing accident.

Jack: Let me tell you something Jenna, Liz has always supported you. Even when I wanted you out of here, she wouldn’t give in. I’ve never seen her so worked up. She came at me with that angry little badger face of hers…there it is right now…
Jack: Wow the one time I try to take your side, Lemon, and you sandbag me. I’m sorry Jenna, I smelled crazy in here and I assumed it was you.
Jenna: You couldn’t be serious about acting for a living. You have brown hair.
Jack: This is boring. I’m bored now.

Whoopi Goldberg: Feed me Whoopi!

Jack: We gave the Meat Machine to Whoopi.
Tracy: Goldberg? or Billingham?

Barbra Walters: Let’s get personal. Your father Werner, was a burger server in suburban Santa Babara.
Jenna: Yes. That’s right.
Barbra Walters: When he spurned your mother Verna for a curly haired surfer named Roberta. Did that hurt her?
Jenna: It was hard on all of us.
Barbra Walters: Flerg Merg Glerg Flerg Merg Merg Merg Tennis Merg Merg was a Bmerg… Flerg?
Jenna: I’ll always be his little girl.
Barbra Walters: Glerg.

Ratings: 3.8/6 6.20 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 65th

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