Originally Aired: January 18, 2007
Written by: Tina Fey & John Riggi
Directed by: Gail Mancuso

Summary: Intrigued by two MSNBC guys - the cerebral nerd “The Head” and the gorgeous hunk “The Hair” - they keep running into inside 30 Rock, Liz (Tina Fey) and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) decide to get serious about their dating lives, but find themselves unexpectedly switching their typical roles when Liz admits she’s clicking with - and falling for - The Hair (guest star Peter Hermann). Jack (Alec Baldwin) and Kenneth the Page (Jack McBrayer) also switch office roles for “Bottoms Up” day, with Jack donning the page jacket and Kenneth spending a day as a corporate big wig. Tracy Morgan, Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Keith Powell and Rachel Dratch also star.

Quotes:

The Head: I see you’re looking at my watch.
Liz: What?
The Head: It’s cool isn’t it. That’s a Japanese Pie Watch. It tells time with those little pie pieces. Each piece is 6 minutes. So now it’s 6 times 4… 5:30? That can’t be right.
Liz: My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.
The Head: That’s awesome possum.

Liz: No the French-maid Werewolf thing was cut! You’re supposed to be Hillary Clinton right now.
Jenna: [In French maid outfit] What?!

Jack: What do you think sounds like a better idea for a new show? A talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show where a lot of super hot nannies move into a house and help fat kids loose weight?

Jack: This year, I’ll be a page for a day, and you’ll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you sir!
Jack: That’s how the Bottoms Up program works. I’m going to be your bottom, Kenneth. I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

Tracy: Dude, this part was messed up. They had girls dancing in cages. And not the Go-go cages, the little dog cages that you crate pit bulls in.
Frank: That is awesome.
Toofer: That is upsetting.
Josh: That is awesome.
Liz: Couldn’t have been that great of a party. You arrived to work for the first time ever. January 17^th write it down Cerie, it’s historic.
Tracy: How dare you Liz Lemon! I’m not arriving to work! I left the party on a bacon run.
Liz: Right it down Cerie, January 17^th, just like every other day.

Tracy: You, me Toofer and Frank are going to be writing my book all day long, and I think my snake is sick. So I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.
Kenneth: Our first assignment!

Receptionist: I can I help you?
Liz: Yeah I’m looking for…the Head?
Receptionist: The head of what?
Liz: Yeah, how am I going to do this?

The Hair: Hey, what are you doing up here.
Liz: Oh, Chris Matthews owes me 10 bucks.
The Hair: Ya, you’ll never get that.

The Hair: I have a friend who’s opening a new restaurant in Soho, and I was hoping that you’ll go with me.
Liz: What?
The Hair: Do you want to go out with me tonight?
Liz: … …Why?
The Hair: Because it would be fun. And you seem cool.
Liz: …What?

Tracy: How many pages do we got so far?
Toofer: 5.
Tracy: Make the words bigger Toof!

Josh: Oh is this Spinach?
Jack: Yes you asked for a spinach salad.
Josh: No I liked the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I like it with Romaine.
Jack: So you want me to take it back?
Josh: I’m supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?
Jack: Yes.
Josh: Well then yeah! Genius! Get me a new salad. Or get me a time machine so I can go back in time and smack your mom for smoking crack while she’s pregnant. [Checks with Kenneth] Too much?
Kenneth: Nope that’s usually how it goes.

Liz: The Hair asked me out.
Jenna: What? The “The Hair?” What’d you say?
Liz: I had to say yes. I mean he looked at me handsome guys eyes. It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon was…
Jenna: No Liz, do not talk about that stuff on your date. Guys like that do not like Star Trek.
Liz: WARS!

Liz: I don’t go out with guys like Gray. It feels wrong. I mean, he’s The Hair, and I am a Head plus at best!

Jack: Is this tube sock full of bird seed?
Kenneth: Oh, yes sir. Just put it with the others.

Liz: [Making small talk at party] So…you guys been watching Heroes? I like the Japanese dude.

Jenna: [on phone] Hey how’s the date going?
Liz: Terrifying. It’s too much. I just want to go home and watch the show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.

Liz: Ok, what’s your game friend?
The Hair: Game? There’s no game. What are you talking about?
Liz: I don’t have any money, if that’s what you’re after. And I’m not one of those girls who do weird stuff in bed cause they think they have too. If you’re a gay guy looking for a beard, I don’t do that anymore. And if you’re trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who’s a cop, so don’t even try.
The Hair: Look we all have uncles who are cops.

 

Liz & The Hair: No, You’re holding up the line!

Tracy: 1998. Well, I spent most of the summer in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge!
Toofer: I’m almost afraid to ask. What Christmas album?
Tracy: [singing] Imagine Christmas wishes, shooting out of your eyes. A candy cane for of snow dreams a stocking full of smiles. It’s a Jordan Christmas!
Frank: I remember that. That video was raunchy.

Jack: Kenneth, do you have a minute?
Kenneth: I sure don’t.
Jack: Kenneth, you and I both have a lot in common. We’re both hard workers. When I was your age I was putting myself through college in Boston, paddling swan boats for the tourists.
Kenneth: Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?

Kenneth: More than jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form. Think of all the shared experiences television has provided for us. From the moon landing, to the Golden Girls finale. From Walter Cronkite denouncing Vietnam, to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat out in a wagon. From the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics, to the less fun Winter Olympics.

Jack: Which show would you rather watch? A ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, or a remake of Little House on the Prairie?
Kenneth: Neither! I want to see a show where women get their hair done while listening to salsa music. I also have an idea for a cop show called K-9! Exclamation point. And a game show called Gold Case. It’s a cross between Deal or No Deal and Millionaire, with a charming celebrity host, do be determined.

Kenneth: Hey Moonvest, I got an idea for a television game show last night.
Moonvest: Give me your fingernails!
Kenneth: No!

Executive: Mr. Parcell. We. Love. Gold Case. How do we make your show?
Kenneth: I thought y’all would know where to get cameras and stuff.

Liz: No way! Your elevator opens right into your apartment.
The Hair: Are you coming in?
Liz: I don’t know this is new for me. I don’t really hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen in kick ass elevator lofts.

Liz: I don’t smoke. I don’t use any drugs, except for my allergy medicine. I don’t download music without paying for it. And I never wear flip flops, ever, it’s gross. And I do not sit on laps. Not a lap sitter, never have been.
[Flash back]
[Liz shaking Santa’s hand] Nice to see you again.

Liz: Why do you have a picture of my great aunt Dolly?

Liz: Oh my god, we’re related. This is the worst!
The Hair: Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins.
Liz: Ok on the count of three say what level of cousins we’d have to be for this to be ok. One, two, three.
The Hair: Fifth!
Liz: Unacceptable no matter what.
The Hair: I think we’re third cousins.
Liz: Yeah, I’ll see you at the reunion.

Liz: Kind of wish you had a door right now.

John McEnroe: Congratulations. You’ve struck gold on Gold Case!

Kenneth: Oh. Gold’s real heavy.

Jack: Ok, my bad. Shut it down.
Producer: Shut it down!

Ratings: 3.4/5 5.04 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 80th

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