Originally Aired: February 8, 2007
Written by: Tina Fey
Directed by: Michael Engler

Summary: After the entire cast binges on some questionable seafood at the craft services table, they hunker down to pull an all nighter - on Valentine’s Day - and cobble a new show together. While Pete (Scott Adsit) completely forgets the holiday altogether, romance may be blooming between Kenneth the Page (Jack McBrayer) and Cerie (Katrina Bowden), who is squabbling with her Greek fiance. Liz (Tina Fey) wonders if she might have a secret admirer after she receives flowers from an anonymous suitor. Jack (Alec Baldwin), fresh from the finalization of his divorce from Bianca (Guest Star Isabella Rossellini), wants to celebrate his new bachelorhood with Tracy (Tracy Morgan), who for once wants a night alone with his wife. Jane Krakowski, Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Keith Powell and Rachel Dratch also star.

Quotes:

Liz: You’re not all the way divorced?
Jack: Well we’ve been leagly separated since 1989. It’s been a nightmare, Lemon. I mean one minute you’re newly weds making love on the floor of the Concord, and the next your lawyers are fighting over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did, but I want that box!

Jack: It’s going to take all day and into the night dealing with that crazy woman; fighting, conniving, clawing with each other.
Liz: Are you angry or excited right now? I can’t tell.

Liz: [as she tries to crawl out of Jack’s office] This would work on Ugly Betty.

Tracy: Hells yes Liz Lemon. And I had plans. Me and Angie rented the penthouse at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine and pleasure each other.
Liz: Gross.

Tracy: When you’ve been married 17 years, you have to keep it spicy. That’s why me and my wife role play. She puts on a Girl Scout outfit with a box of cookies and I answer the door in my boxers. Or, I rent out a wheelchair and she pretends to be my case worker.
Liz: And in a way, she is.

Frank: What about me? I just took a bunch of Cialis cause I have big Valentines plans tonight.
Liz: With who?
Frank: What? Nobody.

Bianca: Thank you for speaking to me in person.
Jack: If this is about the dog box, I’m not giving in.

Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want all of our love letters.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want all of your parents’ love letters.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want full stake in the Arby’s franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar!

Liz: Did you send me these to be nice?
Pete: Why would I send you flowers?
Liz: Because it’s Valentine’s Day
Pete: Oh no! It’s what? It’s Valentine’s Day?! Again!?
Liz: Did you blow it with your wife?
Pete: It’s too late, I blew it.
Liz: Who cares, it’s just Valentine’s Day?
Pete: It’s also her birthday.

Frank: Did you just come from a Suzanne Summers look a like contest?
Jenna: Hilarious, Frank. Actually I just came from performing at Vagina Day.
Toofer: Is that and offshoot of the Vagina Monologues?
Jenna: No, we are in now way affiliated with the Vagina Monologues. Vagina Day is a charity event founded by a group of celebrities who have for whatever reason, never been asked to participate in the Vagina Monologues. Every February 14^th, we improvise monologues about our lady parts for the homeless.
Liz: Oh, to benefit the homeless?
Jenna: No, just for them.
[Flash back to Joy Behar talking to the homeless]
Joy Behar: My vagina is a flower, a weird ugly flower. I remember the night I lost my virginity. It was 1968 during the Democratic Convention.

Tracy: I got to be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10:00.

Toofer: Marry Boff Kill: Cerie, Liz and Jenna.
Frank: Once again no brainer. Marry Liz, get with Cerie, and kill Jenna.
Jenna: I can hear you!
Liz: Frank don’t play that game about people who are in the room.
Frank: Why not?
Liz: Cause it always starts out fun and then gets weird. But thank you for saying that you’d marry me.

Liz: [on the phone] Hi my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can’t tell who they’re from. [pause] No, no, I did read the card but it’s not signed…. no, I’m not with so many men that it’s impossible for me to guess…well, that is just…oh, well you know what, I found the card, actually, they’re from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!

Jack: Always remember, marriage is a competition.

Toofer: Ok, I got a hard one. Osama Bin Laden, Martha Stewart, Jenna?
Frank: Bone Osama, to shame him, and then his own people will murder him. Marry Martha Stewart, cause she seems like a dirty bird. And kill Jenna.

Josh: Cerie, Marry Boff Kill; Lutz, Toofer, or Kenneth?
Cerie: I’d marry Toofer, cause he’s classy. I’d kill Lutz, sorry Lutz.
Lutz: The thought that you would do anything to me is awesome.
Cerie: And I’d boff Kenneth.
Josh: What?!

Jenna: My vagina is a convenience store, clean and reliable, and closed on Christmas.

Jenna: Fine, I pooted. It’s 3:00 in the morning. Are you happy?

Jack: I wish I could touch her boobs again. She really had a fabulous pair of boobs.

Josh: Cerie said she would do it with you.
Kenneth: Well that just makes me perspire.

Angie: [role playing] I’m detecting a lot of heat over here.
Tracy: Is it dangerous?
Angie: I don’t know, I think It’s coming from my butt!

[Knock on the door]
Angie: I don’t know who that is. But we’re done cause I’m not Velcro-ing up again.

Prostitute: Happy Valentines!

Prostitute: I clean this too, or uh, just the sex?

Jack: Isn’t she precious? Fun fact about Flem, she originally came here to study engineering.

Angie: You tell G.E. Light-Bulb-Man I want Sophie’s Choice out of my suite!

Kenneth: It’s like Dr. Laura Schlesinger says, “Women should be more accommodating to their men, for the health of their marriage.
Cerie: She sounds smart. Is she really a doctor?
Kenneth: No, I think she’s kind of like Dr. Pepper.

Jack: Ooh, video games! We could play video games.
[Knock at the door]
Angie: [To Tracy] This is the second-worst Valentine’s day we ever had!
Liz: Hi, is Mr. Donaghy here?
Angie: [to Jack] Another prostitute?

Liz: Let me ask you a question: Marry Boff Kill? Bianca? Which do you want to do?
Jack: All of them. All of them!

Jack: No, leave here there. It’s better than where I found her.
Prostitute: Happy Valentines!

Frank: Jenna, I’m sorry I said I’d kill you.

Kenneth: If I blew it, then how did I get her underpants? [Holds up large pair of tighty whities.]

Lawyer: Just sign these papers and you’re marriage is officially dissolved.
Jack: It’s almost like it never happened. I wouldn’t be surprised if that five in scar across my abdomen was suddenly gone.

Bianca: Johnny, promise me you won’t sell the Arby’s.
Jack: No I won’t. I’m going to shut it down, leave it vacant, open all of the windows and let nature have at it.

Floyd: Is that a French Planet of the Apes poster?
Liz: Yeah.
Floyd: Wow. You know that I heard in Greece they have to chance Charlton Heston’s name on movie posters to “Charlton Heaston” Cause in Greek Heston means to poop yourself.

Floyd: I meant to send these flowers to Liz Lemler, who works in accounting.
Liz: Oh!
Floyd: There’s actually supposed to be a box of chocolate covered cherries with this. Did you…?
Liz: I don’t know anything about that.
Floyd: Fair enough.

Ratings: 3.5/5 5.17 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 85th

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