Originally Aired: February 22, 2007
Written by: Matthew Hubbard
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: When Josh’s (Lonny Ross) contract is up, Jack (Alec Baldwin) sees an opportunity ripe for cost-cutting. While Liz (Tina Fey) tries to keep Josh in the ‘TGS’ cast and from jumping to a rival show, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) awards Kenneth the Page (Jack McBrayer) a coveted spot in his entourage. Meanwhile, Jenna (Jane Krakowski) gets into some hot water over a misquote in a popular magazine. With special guest stars Chris Matthews and Tucker Carlson. Judah Friedlander, Scott Adsit, Keith Powell and Rachel Dratch also star.

Quotes:

Liz: Wow, this is an honor. I’m friends with number four on Maxims list of the sexiest woman in comedy.
Jenna: At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me, but then I saw the Dukes of Hazzard, funny!
Liz: What is that, babby oil?
Jenna: Actually they use salad dressing cause it gets a better sheen.

Jenna: Liz, posing in Maxims is a great career move. There’s no shame in it.
Photographer: I’m laughing. I’m horny. Let’s do this.
[Jenna slides all over the chair.]
Photographer: Put the chicken near your mouth.

Liz: Well you look happy. Did somebody just have a root beer float?
Jack: No, Josh’s contract is up. Which means it’s time for my favorite thing in the world; negotiation. The essence of capitalism, there’s nothing like it. God I wish there was someone I could negotiate with right now.
Pete: Hey Jack, just a reminder I need a couple of minutes to go over breakage today. How’s noon.
Jack: Can’t do that. Make it 4:00 AM.
Pete: That’s no good what about after rehearsal? 10:00?
Jack: Stop insulting me. 3:00AM.
Pete: Midnight. You bring the coffee.
Jack: 2:30. You bring the coffee that’s my final.
Pete: Done.

Jack: I can’t wait to go mono a mono with Josh.
Liz: Right, I think you mean mono a toddler. Josh is a very sweet, very dumb kid. Please go easy on him.

Liz: Don’t make me be a part of this.
Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your young angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.

Cerie: These sunglasses have chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod looses power.

Jack: He’s not your friend now, he’s your opponent. He’s going to try to grab all the marbles and it’s our job to hide them.
Liz: That’s not how you play marbles, Jack.
Jack: But that’s how you keep them.

Tracy: We should treat ourselves.
Dot Com: Want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi.
Tracy: Nah, I don’t even use the ones I have.
Dot Com: We could add someone else to the entourage.
Tracy: That’s a good idea. Yo, what’s young Larry doing these days?
Grizz: He’s in JayZ’s entourage.
Tracy: What about Cheese?
Dot Com: He’s rolling with Ghostface Killa now.
Tracy: Fat Balls?
Dot Com: He’s studying hotel administration at Cornell.
Tracy: Well go ahead Fat Balls! That’s a good program.

Kenneth: I picked up your lunch from Silvia’s. Extra cornbread cause I know you like it.
Tracy: Like it? I love it! I love this cornbread so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
[Grizz and Dot Com laugh]
Kenneth: Pregnant cornbread…

Tracy: How would you like to be in my entourage?
Kenneth: Well that like souds fun. What would I do?
Tracy: Well lets see. Dot Com does the driving and cooking. Grizz is in charge of sitting on me when I get over stimulated. Well I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me. …The sun will come out…
Kenneth: …Tomorrow…bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow…

Frank: These are the sexiest women in comedy? Where’s JacKay?

Liz: Jenna, have you read your interview yet?
Jenna: Oh no. Did I come across as interesting? Because I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
Liz: No, you come across as crazy. Why did you tell the reporter that you hate the troops?
[Flashback, loud music playing]
Reporter: You know, we have a huge readership in the armed forces.
Jenna: What?
Reporter: Do you have anything you want to say to our beleaguered troops?!
Jenna: Theater Troops?!
Reporter: Yeah, the, uh, troops!
Jenna: Ugh, I hate theater troops! They think what they do is so important!
[End Flashback]
Liz [reading from magazine]: It’s just a bunch of gay guys that like to get in silly costumes and prance around.

Jenna: You know that I love the troops. Do you member that Fleet Week after I broke up with David?

Martha Blanch: These Hollywierdos from LaLa Land like Jenna Moron-y, are just UnAmerican. So, we are calling for a boycott of NBC, General Electric, and their parent company, the Sheinhardt Wig Corporation.

Jack: We’re going to nip this thing butt. Jenna is going to make a public apology tomorrow on Hardball. You know what that is don’t you?
Jenna: Yes. Should I prepare a song?
Jack: I really can’t wait to renegotiate your contract.

Josh: What?! Does my vulvae look swollen?
Liz: I just want to warn you, as a friend, about this contract thing. Jack is gunning for you.
Josh: Really?
Liz: Don’t worry, you’re not going anywhere. Jack said advertisers love you test great with women 12-24.
Josh: What advertisers? Could I get free Choco-sticks?

Alan: Jack Donagy. Alan Steinher. I’m Josh Girard’s agent.
Jack: [chuckles] Oh really?
Alan: Listen, I’d love to grab a little face time with you, RE Josh’s contract offer. We’ve got some serious troubs my friend. We are not smiles times.
Jack: I’m sorry to hear that Alan.
Alan: What’s your schedche manana? Cause this is going to be one serious negot.
Jack: My schedche is wide open Alan, hasta manana.

Tracy: So, entourage, what’s on the schedule for today?
Grizz: I have us penciled in for Halo.
Tracy: I love Halo! I love Halo so much, I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
[Grizz and Dot Com laugh]
Kenneth: Why are you guys laughing so hard? That’s the same joke Mr. Jordan said earlier.
Tracy: I don’t think so K. Cause I like to keep my material fresh. You know I like to keep things fresh so much, that I’m going to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Tracy: Who just killed me?! That’s never happened before!
Kenneth: I did, Mr. Jordan!
Tracy: That’s impossible! I beat all the world’s best players; Grizz, Dot Com, my publicist, my stylist.
Kenneth: Well I’ve just killed you again!
Tracy: You’re cheating! And I don’t want to play no more! I hate this! Grizz, I think it’s best you come sit on me.

Jenna: …And I just want the troops to kill everyone and come on home.
Liz: Pretty good. But this is Hardball, Jenna, so you might want to be more specific. You could say that you support the troops, but you feel that the war was poorly planed and started under false pretenses and that we should have used those resources to hunt down Osama Bin Laden.
Jenna: Liz, I’m just worried that I’m going to sounds like I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Liz: Hey, would Sharon Stone worry about that?
Jenna: Uh uh.
Liz: Would Richard Geere?
Jenna: No!
Liz: Then you go out there and voice your opinions like a star.

Liz: What are you going to do if they ask you about 08?
Jenna: Of course I want Hillary to be the first woman president.
Liz: Ugh, no. Obama, you support Barak Obama. Remember? You like those pictures of him at the beach?
Jenna: Oh right. Obama. What is he, Hispanic?
Liz: No he’s black.
Jenna: And he’s running for president?! Good luck.

Alan: Let’s skip the foreplay and get right to the penitrat.
Liz: Ugh.
Alan: Josh is looking for a 15% raise, a 2 pic guarantee from Universal and time off for every Jewish holiday no matter how ridiculous.
Liz: That seems reasonable, right Jack?
Jack: Here’s my counter offer. [pulls out dollar bill] One dollar.
Alan: What?
Liz: Oh boy.
Alan: That’s absurd!
Jack: You know what’s absurd? These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at SeaWorld.
Josh: What? We were just being silly.
Jack: My offer is now 75 cents. Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock.
Josh: [to Alan] It keeps getting lower, I think we should take it.

Jack: I knew you weren’t ready for a big chair.

Dot com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk, man.
Kenneth: Oh, I’ve had this conversation before. You’re marrying my mom, aren’t you?

Tracy: How are you beating Kenneth, Grizz?
Grizz: I don’t know.
Tracy: If you can beat Kenneth, and Kenneth can beat me. Then by the transitive property you should beat me too. Have you been letting me win?
Dot Com: Just at some things.
Tracy: Things? Plural?!!
[Flashback]
Dot Com: What is the world’s only egg laying mammal?
Tracy: The Easter bunny!
Dot Com: Right again!

Chris Matthews: Tucker Carlson, you heard what Jenna Maroney had to say, she supports the troops.
Tucker Carlson: Well here’s a question Chris; Why should we care what she thinks about anything? This woman strikes me as another empty headed, self involved, member of the Hollywood Ignorati.
Jenna: You know, for someone who is super super hot, you’re really cranky. I have just as much right to my opinion as you or Chris.
Chris Matthews: I’m not sure you do. You’ve been on this show for 20 minutes now, you’ve sang six bars of something called Muffin Top,
Jenna: Thank you.
Chris Matthew: and then told a disgusting story about Fleet Week.
Tucker Carlson: I guess this is the state of political discourse in this country nowadays. And that’s fine. Let’s just embrace it. Let’s have our policies determined by former cable Ace Award nominees.
Jenna: First, I was great in That Arless. Second of all, if the President is so serious on the War on Terror, why doesn’t he hunt down and capture Barak Obama before he strikes again? It’s time for a change America, that’s why I’m voting for Osama in 2008. Oh? No comeback? Yo Burnt!

Liz: Hey Jack, I was totally going to call you…
Jack: Which of your massive screw ups should we discuss first? How about the Jenna situation?
Liz: That is taken care of. I have written an op ed piece for the New York Times in Jenna’s name, in which, I put the media on trial.
Jack: Boo! Here’s the plan. We’re going to take Jenna, put some flags behind her, have her sing a song that rhymes “USA” with “Make then Pay,” dress her in a eagle costume, and we’re going to call it a solute to America special.
Liz: Ok.
Jack: Moving on, Josh Girard. I had him right where I wanted him, until my partner, PFT!, stabbed me in the back.

Liz: Cerie, is Josh in yet?
Cerie: Josh isn’t coming in today. He’s sick. He said he was throwing up all night.
Jack: A sick out. I didn’t think he had it in him.

Jack: Lemon, what happened in your childhood to make your believe that people are good?

Jack: Do you ever get any emails other than from Match.com?
Liz: No no no! Don’t look at that!

Tracy: I don’t need a couple of “yes men.” I need the truth.
Kenneth: Well, if that’s the case, then you should know that you’re never going to dunk this basketball. Also that Oscar you have is made of chocolate. And that lady you European kissed last night, is actually a gentleman.

Martha Blanch: Excuse me, do you work for NBC?
Liz: Oh no, I was just passing by there on my way to church.
Martha Blanch: Are you interested in taking back your country?
Liz: Am I?!
Martha Blanch: Then join us here tomorrow night for a protest again the Freedom-hating Jenna Maroney and TGS. There will be snacks!
Liz: I will definitely be there.

Liz: Josh, you stupid turd.
Josh: Hey! Liz… This is…
Liz: I can guess who this is. Are you trying to get on another show behind my back?
Josh: Look, Liz, I’m sorry, it’s just business.
Liz: No! It’s not business! I stood up for you. You were opening for a puppet when I found you. You know what that’s not even the worst part. You know what the worst part is? [Hits him repeatedly] You proved Jack Donaghy right, again! And by the way, what kind of moron calls out sick then comes to work to have a meeting?
Josh: I get an NBC discount here.
Liz: Idiot! [to Daily show agent] I’m a big fan of your show.

Tracy: Damn it! Turn on the TV for me.
Kenneth: [Fumbles with remotes] Dot Com set this up, I don’t know how it works.
Tracy: Television on! Pornography!

Jack: Josh and his agent are on their way up.
Liz: Haha, yeah, then they’re gonna be on their way down!
Jack: You know what, that was weak, but you’re in the mix, you’re having fun. I like that.

Josh: What are all these headshots for?
Jack: Nothing, we’re just some meetings we’re taking.
Alan: Look, Jack, I think I should tell you, Josh has an offer form the Daily Show.
Jack: Yes, Liz mentioned that. I don’t think that’s going to pan out.
Josh: What are you kidding?
Alan: What happened? What did you do to our offer?
Jack: I called my friend, Saul Sheinhardt at our parent company Sheinhardt Wigs who called his nephew, Morty Sheinhardt, who called his son, John Stewart.
Liz: Ah ha! Ya Burnt!

Jack: Do we have deal.
Alan: Deal. Thank you. I need this money. I have a really bad sex addiction.
Jack: Sorry.

Liz: You made me look like an idiot! You have to pay!
Jack: Liz, he’s not getting a raise.
Liz: Do the Worm! Do the Worm!
Jack: Good lord! The worm! That’s so degrading. Are it’s origins German?
Liz: Now say 5 ways I’m better than you.
Josh: You’re smarter than me.
Liz: 1!
Josh: You beat me in arm wresting!
Liz: 2!
Josh: You read the paper.
Liz: Yeah suck it I do read the paper!
Agent: You want me to do anything
Liz: Be a Crab! Fight the Worm!
Jack: Liz, you took this like a natural, more than I ever… Ok now the crabs getting aroused. Shut it down. Shut it down!

Pete: You know you actually did a good job on this.
Liz: Why do you sound so surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn’t mean I don’t love America. [Winks at camera]

Liz: And cue the pinwheels.
Pete: Ok the pinwheels are lit but they aren’t spinning. And when they’re not spinning they look like…
Liz: …Swastikas.

Martha Blanch: TGS! Totally Godless Suckers. Or Satanists. Ooh that’s even better!

Ratings: 3.1/5 4.61 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 84th

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