Originally Aired: March 1, 2007
Written by: Robert Carlock & Daisy Gardner
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: Jack (Alec Baldwin), who needs to unload his family’s staid and sub-par line of wines, persuades Ghostface Killah (As Himself) and hip-hop producer Ridikolus (Guest Star LL Cool J) to endorse “Donaghy Estates” and introduce the next Cristal. To do so, he must persuade a reluctant Tracy (Tracy Morgan) to host The Source Awards. Liz (Tina Fey) attempts – unsuccessfully – to break up with Tracy’s business manager (Guest Star Wayne Brady) when he plays the race card.

Quotes:

Jack: The inaugural vintage.
Liz: Donaghy Estates?
Jack: It’s from that vineyard on the north fork of Long Island that I bought, I told you about that.
Liz: No you didn’t.
Jack: Oh, must have been Angie Harmon.

Jack: I’m really excited about this. After 20 years of working for big companies, I finally have my own name on something.
Liz: I know what you mean. When I was 8, I had my name on the scoreboard of a Philly’s game, and they spelled it “Lez” but it was pretty cool.

Jack: This ought to prove my mother wrong, saying that Donaghy is Gaelic for “failure.” What the hell does she know; she’s a Murphy, bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.

Jack: Well well well, Lemon. Steven’s a good man. He’s on the partner track at Dewey. And he’s a Black.
Liz: A black? That is offensive!
Jack:
Liz: Oh, yeah of course.
Jack: Remarkable people the black, musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers, again I’m talking about the family.

Jack: Black is African American though.
Liz: Well, I don’t care about that.
Jack: Well I know that is the type of things we tell ourselves. But trust me, when I was dating Condoleezza, there were genuine culture tensions. I mean, we would go to the movies and she would yell at the screen…
Liz: I don’t even notice those kinds of things. No. When I leave work at night, I am just riding on a subway car full of scary, teenaged, people.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I have a message for you from a Mr. Ridikulous.
Frank: Ridikulous? The Hip-hop producer? Isn’t that the guy who bit Shug Night?
Tracy: Yeah yeah. He bit Shug Night. Helped Raven Simone over a balcony. Made Rashi Rales cry. That dude is crazy. I don’t want him calling me.

[Flashback]
Kenneth: I’m sorry, this is a private party.
Ridikulous: We’re with Tracy Jordan.
Kenneth: And Mr. Jordan himself said don’t let anyone in who’s not on the list. Cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi. So haters to the left.
Ridikulous: What’s you’re game?
Kenneth: Boggle!
Ridikulous: You tell Tracy Jodan that Ridikulous…
[In the present]
Kennth:…Is going to eat your family!

Jenna: Hey, [sees back dress] Oh I’m sorry, who died?
Liz: Nobody, I have a date.
Jenna: Really? With that guy who sent you flowers?
Liz: By mistake? No, that guy has a girlfriend.
Jenna: Technicality.

Liz: Although I did see flower guy recently, and it was pretty excellent.
[Flashback]
Floyd: Hey Liz Lemon.
Liz: Hey, Workout Flower guy. What do you got there, the old….leather pumpkin?
Floyd: [takes out headphones] I’m sorry what?
Liz: I was just saying uh…you got the old leather pumpkin?

Jack: Tracy, what seems to be the problem?
Tracy: Tracy who? You looking at a ghost, JD. Dead Man Walking. The Green Mile. Christmas with the Klumps
Liz: Is this about Ridikulous? Because I think you’re overreacting.
Tracy: Growin up, when you were mad at somebody, you just breakdanced at them. [Dances]
Liz: I’m familiar with break dancing, yeah.
[Tracy continues to dance]
Tracy: Now brother’s just shoot you!

Jack: Donaghy Estates Sparkling Wine, which according to this lab report; “Contains no lead, and is not fatal if swallowed.”

Tracy: If you get rich off this stuff, just take care of my family. I don’t want my kids to have to go to college.

Liz: So, how about Lost this season?
Steven: Sorry, I don’t own a TV.
Liz: Really, what do you sit and look at?

Steven: I have hobbies, I participate in Vietnam War reenactments, and take pictures of interesting doors. And I spend a lot of time blogging about Star Wars.
Liz: Oh really? You like Star Wars? I was Princes Leia like four Halloweens in a row. Recently.
Steven: Oh no no no, not the fantasy movie with the monsters. I’m talking about the strategic defense initiative.
Liz: Yeah we should probably go ahead and order.

Jack: Now as you may have read in Robert Parkers Wine Newsletter: “Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus.”

Liz: I am not racist. I love black men. I love you! This is fantastic! Let’s get desert! Yeah, Death by chocolate. No no no, not that chocolate.

Jenna: Steven played the race card?
Liz: Yes!
Jenna: What did you do?
Liz: What could I do? I picked up the check then I made out with him a little bit in the taxi.

Liz: Maybe if I just hang out with him 4 or 5 more times, he’ll see that we’re a bad match.
Jenna: Why do you do this to yourself?

Jenna: Who cares if he thinks you’re a racist.
Liz: I do, because I’m not!
[Page hands Liz a letter]
Liz: Thank you, A-man-da.
Page: It’s Amanda.

Tracy: Tom Cruise cause that’s how Oprah says it “Toooooooooooom!”

Jack: Tracy, good news. I think I solved your problem with Ridikolous.
Tracy: For real Jack?!
Jack: All you have to do is agree to host the Source Awards on Saturday.
Tracy: The Source Awards?! No, no, no, no, no!!
Liz: What’s the problem?
Tracy: Death sentence number 2. Shooting people at the Source Awards is a tradition, like Christmas, or shooting people outside of Hot 97.

Jack: Tracy don’t worry. Ridikolous and I are in business together. Now business heals all wounds. I mean look at our relationship with Germany or Japan? Who can even remember what all the fuss was about?

Tracy: It’s not about Ridikolous. Who else is gonna be at this thing?
Jack: Well you’re going to be sharing the stage with Nas.
Tracy: Nope! He hates me! We used to date the same girl.
Jack: What about Young Gz?
Tracy: Forget about it. I called his pit bull a gay wad on 106 & Park.
Liz: That will do it.
Jack: The Game?
Tracy: Nope.
Jack: T.I.?
Tracy: Ain’t none happenin.
Jack: Superhead?
Tracy: No can do.
Jack: Fabulous.
Tracy: Won’t do.
Jack: Ridonkeykong?
Tracy: No!
Jack: MC Skat Kat?
Tracy: What?!
Jack: Homunculus?
Tracy: Nmmm.
Jack: Raw Dawg?
Tracy: Hell no! Me and his beef go way back. We were both cast members on a Nickelodeon show called Ray Ray’s Mystery Garage.
[Flashback]
Tracy and Raw Dawg: [singing] Brush your teeth, brush your teeth. When it’s time for bed you got to brush your teeth!
Director: Cut!
Raw Dawg: Hey chump! You scuffed my sneakers! Dr. Jay wears these!
Tracy: I’m sorry man. I’m pretty drunk.
Raw Dawg: You know what? I’m going to eat your family!

Jack: Tracy, if it would make you feel any more comfortable, I would be happy to loan you a handgun.
Liz: What?
Jack: Oh mother, I forgot you were there.

Liz: Tracy, just tell them you can’t go.
Tracy: If I don’t go. Ridikolous is going to kill me. If I do go, someone else is gonna kill me. See?! It’s a Catch 22! Aw! He’s gonna be there too!

Ghostface Killa: I got to take a break. I can’t drink any more of this, my tummy’s killing me.
Ridikolous: Ok, cut! Everybody take 5.
Jack: Ghostface, do you think you could mention Donaghyestates.com at any point?
Ghostface Killa: Ok, Jack. I’ll go get my rhyming dictionary.

Ridikolous: What color plane do you want to buy?
Jack: Clear. Like Wonder Woman’s.

Tracy: Ken, I’ll be gone soon. But I just wanted you to know that I loved being your mentor. And it’s been an honor having you be my manatee.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I hate seeing you like this. What can I do to help you?
Tracy: Nothing, Ken. I’m just going through the classic stages of grief. Fear. Denial. Horniness. Wisdom. Sleepiness. And now Depression.
Kenneth: What about anger?
Tracy: NO! I don’t wanna do anger! You can’t make me!
Kenneth: Now stop it Mr. Jordan. You need to take some of your own advice. Aren’t you the man who told me to ‘Live every week like it’s shark week?’ Or that ‘Nothing is impossible except for dinosaurs? Don’t give up on live, sir.
Tracy: Wow. The manatee has become the mentor.

Liz: I need you to understand something. I don’t want to go out with you, and it has nothing to do with your race.
Stephen: [scoffs] K?
Liz: Stephen, listen to me, ok? And please, believe what I’m saying. I truly don’t like you, as a person. Can’t one human being not like another human being? Can’t we all just not get along?
Stephen: Liz, I wish it could be like that. And maybe someday, or children, or our children’s children will hate each other like that. But it just doesn’t happen like that today.

Liz: So what you’re saying is that any woman that doesn’t like you, is a racist.
Stephen: No. No no no no. Some women are gay.
Liz: Ok, how racist is this? I’m going to the Source Awards tomorrow night.
Stephen: Well let me get on the Black Phone and call the NCAAP so they can just send you your medal right now.
Liz: Ok you know what? You’re coming with me as my date, and you will se that we don’t get along, as people.
Stephen: Yeah? Will there a gift bag?
Liz: Probably.
Stephen: Ok. Well you can have everything in it. Because I collect tote bags.

Liz: Tracy, do you think I’m racist?
Tracy: No, I think you like to dress black men up as Oprah as part of your effort to protect our dignity.
Liz: Oh yeah. When you do that impression, don’t forget to stretch everything out. “Weee’ve got John Traaavooooltaaaaaaaa!”

Jack: Tracy, buddy, you’ve got to do this Source Awards thing.
Tracy: No I don’t.
Jack: Why not?
Tracy: I haven’t given up on live yet. I have a plan
Liz: What plan?
Tracy: I’m gonna find a homeless man, dress him up like me, set him on fire. Then I’m going to start a new life in Arizona under the new name, Von Mexico.
Dot Com: [to Grizz] We’re not doing that.

Jack: Look, I need you to do me this favor. I know you’re nervous. Why don’t we go down to the pistol range and squeeze off a few rounds. Let the guns do the worrying.
Liz: Again with guns!? What is it with men and guns?
Tracy: Well I think I speak for the both of us when I say, they’re metal penises.

Liz: Well you can’t solve all your problems by shooting someone or setting a stranger on fire. Would Oprah do that?
Jack: Liz does have a good point, Tracy. What would Oprah do. Would she run away from her community? Or would she face her problems head on and try to make a difference at the Source Awards?
Tracy: [in mirror dressed as Oprah] What would I do, Tracy? What would I dooooooo!?

Jack: That was the lab. The monkey died of natural causes so we’re in the clear.
Ridikolous: It’s great doing business with you Jack.
Jack: You too Ridikolous.
Ridikolous: Call me Gerald.
Jack: Oh.

Tracy: The choice to be excellent begins with the choice to silence your inner critic. Embrace your inner spirit!
Ridikolous: What was that?
Jack: Oprah. It was the only way we could get him to come.

Liz: He’s channeling Oprah.
Stephen: Why? Because he’s articulate?
[both laugh]
Liz: There’s something about you that I just don’t like.

Ridikolous: Do I look sweet to you? Do I look like sugar? Back away!
Jack: Oh he’s harmless. Don’t be ridiculous.
Ridikolous: I am Ridikolous. And you better be glad that Jack Donaghy’s got your back.
Kenneth: Well I’ve got your nose!
Ridikolous: J. Go get my nose back.

Tracy: Welcome to the 2007 Source Awards, a chance to come together as a community. To not only look into our hearts. But to look under our seats, because everyone is getting Vermont Maple Scoooooones!

Kenneth: Excuse me, coming though.
Ridikolous: Oh man, you did not just scuff my shoes. P. Diddy wears these.
Kenneth: Oh, will he be mad when you give them back?
Ridikolous: Son, to have you your moms must be so stupid she things Grape Nuts is an STD.
Kenneth: Well sir, your mother must have not raised you right. Cause you’re not saying very nice things.

Tracy: Girlfriend, Oprah was right. People just want to get together and get free stuff.

Jack: Good god Lemon. You shot a Black!
[Crowd murmers]
Jack: No no it’s cool. That’s his last name.
Ridikolous: You’ve got to be kidding me Donaghy. First Mr. Foley here disrespects me. Then she shoots my business manager.
Stephen: I got blood on my tote.
Ridikolous: You got blood on his tote. You’re making a mockery of the Source Awards. Wait until I tell Tupac about this! …oh… uh.
Jack: I didn’t hear anything.
Ridikolous: Good.

Ratings: 3.5/5 5.74 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 74th

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