Originally Aired: April 5, 2007
Written by: Dave Finkle & Brett Baer
Directed by: Beth McCarthy

Summary: Threatened by a sneaky West Coast NBC executive (special guest star Will Arnett), Jack (Alec Baldwin) enlists Kenneth the Page (Jack McBrayer) to help thwart any attempts to usurp Donaghy’s TV throne. Meanwhile, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) is served with paternity papers and Pete (Scott Adsit) and Liz (Tina Fey) adjust to life as roommates and co-workers. Jane Krakowksi, Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell, Katrina Bowden and Rachel Dratch also star.With guest stars Will Arnett, Al Roker and Chris Parnell.

Quotes:

Floyd: Hey.
Liz: Hey.
Floyd: Wow! Hot dog times, huh?
Liz: I only eat them on special occasions.
Floyd: What’s the occasion?
Liz: I decided to eat one.

Vendor: Church on Tuesday? But he seems so normal…

Jack: Hey Devon, you’d better watch out. Kenneth might take your job one day.
Devon: Or your job Jack.
Kenneth: *Pointing to the janitor* or his job.

Liz: Dude, how can we be wearing the same outfit? You saw me leaving the apartment this morning.
Pete: I saw you put it on. I thought it looked nice.

Jack: They get younger every year. These punks who think they can take down Jack Donaghy.
Liz: You’re worried about that guy?
Jack: Banks is in New York for a reason and I intend to send him back to L.A.

 

Liz: Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a talking like this contest

Jack: Banks is no slouch. He pioneered the concept of 10 second internet sitcoms.
Makin’ It Happen
Husband: Honey I’m Home!
Wife: Oh great…
*We made it!*

Jack: Something big. A live television special with fireworks. They can do shapes now. One time, I saw a cowboy hat!

Jack: I want you on this Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top notch.
Liz: Those weren’t jokes; that was an appeal to common sense and decency.
Jack: Well they got big laughs.

Frank: Dude what’s with the ridiculous hat and glasses?
Tracy: I’m incognito. Some dude is trying to slap me with a subpoena for a paternity suit, and the kid ain’t mine.
Toofer: How do you know it’s not your child?
Tracy: Because I remember the girl and it’s impossible. I never got out of my car and she never got all the way out of her toll booth.
“Writer”: Ok, let’s get back to work guys. How about a sketch about Bill Clinton eating hamburgers?
Frank: That stinks. What is this 1992?
“Writer”: Meh. What do you want from me? I’m not a comedy writer.
Frank: Wha?
“Writer”: Mr. Jordan. You’ve been served.

Devon: So, what team do you play for?
Kenneth: Oh it’s not really a team. It’s just a bunch of guys who like doing gymnastics!
Devon: You know, I’m going to be in town for a little while, maybe we could get together.
Kenneth: My, you’re friendly!

Jack: My god, Devon is gay! He’s even more powerful than I thought.
Liz: Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.

Jack: I heard you were talking to my colleague, Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?
Kenneth: No sir, we talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.
Jack: You should get to know Devon. Tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as a page just like you.

Kenneth: Really?! So did I!

Tracy: Dr. Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get or help me to remember my ATM pin code?
Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely, science is whatever we want it to be.

Dr. Spaceman: Boy it’s crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity but dunking a women in water until she admitted she made it all up. A different time, the 60’s…

Liz: But he was going to church in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. What do you think that means?
Pete: It means he probably murdered someone and found God while he was in jail.
Liz: Or maybe he’s born again. Oh boy. We can spend our Saturdays in Central Park trying to save gay rollerbladers. I just wish people would tell you immediately when you meet them, “Hey, I’m so and so. Here’s all the weird stuff about me.”
Pete: That would never work. If I had told my wife in college, “Hey, I’m going to lose all this beautiful hair and fart in my sleep for the next 20 years” she never would have married me. Love is like an onion. And you peel away layer after stinky layer until you are just weeping over the sink.
Liz: Is that my sweatshirt?

Kenneth: And I have an idea for a show about a teacher named Art. I call that one “Art School”. And one about a Jewish guy who opens an ice cream parlor. That one’s called “Ice Cream Cohen”. And a drama about two cops, one named Cash, and one named Carry. I don’t have a title for that one yet.
Devon: Kenneth! Can I offer you a libation? I have champagne, vodka, absinth…
Kenneth: Fruit punch please!
Devon: If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go slip into something for comfortable.
Kenneth: Like in the movies!

Kenneth: Oh my! That’s an awful short robe!
Devon: I know. I had to cut it down myself.

Devon: Oh Kenneth. You know, I was a Page. And when we were in the program, we’d give each other a hand. Can you give me a hand Kenneth?

Dr. Spaceman: I’m very serious about doctor-patient confidentiality. So I am going to have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.

Dr. Spaceman: According to my DNA database, you are a direct descendant of our third president.
Tracy: Jasper Buckleman?
Dr. Spaceman: No Tracy, our third president. Thomas Jefferson.
Toofer: Jefferson? Not possible.
Tracy: Yeah, that’s a white dude.
Frank: Yeah, but that guy was into black chicks. I’m surprised I’m not a descendant.

Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?
Devon: I think we’re way past that, Jack. Let’s be honest with each other. I’ll go first. I’m gay and I want your job.
Jack: I’m straighter than you are gay and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind.

Devon: Oh, by the way, a little slim waisted Birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing.

Devon: You’re going down.
Jack: No Devon. I don’t do that.

Vendor: You eat too many hot dogs. Please, I am concerned. I copied this article on sodium for you.

Floyd: I didn’t know you came here.
Liz: Well I haven’t been in a super long time, but yeah my parents used to make me go every week.

Floyd: Hi, my name is Floyd and I’m an alcoholic.
AA Members: Hi Floyd.
Liz: Hi Floyd…

Liz: It was like eves dropping in on someone else’s therapy. It was great!
Pete: Yeah that’s not ok…

Liz: And he told this story about trying to make French toast for his mom when he was a kid, and he started crying. I love him…

Pete: Liz, what is your plan here? Are you going to fake being an alcoholic for the rest of your life?
Liz: I don’t know Pete. One day at a time Pete. I’m going to take it one day at a time.

Jack: The only reason I sent you to Banks was to get information. Why were you telling him anything?
Kenneth: I’m sorry sir. I had to keep talking just to stop him from putting his fingers in my mouth.
Jack: Kenneth, you are the worst gay bait ever.
Kenneth: You used me?
Jack: For television, Kenneth. I humiliated you for television.

Kenneth: I’ll do it. Just like Sydney Bristow on Alias. I’ll use my sexuality as a weapon. To the wig shop!

Toofer: You should be honored to be a descendant of Thomas Jefferson.
Tracy: Of course you would say that, you wish you were white!

Frank: Let me see that. I think he’s shaking hands with Robert E. Lee.

Frank: You think these other black guys are his prisoners or what?

Pete: Maybe Jack’s special could be based on a holiday. What’s left in April?
Liz: Arbor Day, the Boston Marathon and Hitler’s birthday.
Pete: So, you’ve got options.

Maury: Sally Hemmings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson.
“Thomas Jefferson”: No matter, Maurance.

“Thomas Jefferson”: I rode a horse all the way from heaven to tell you something important. America…which I invented…
*Audience Boos*

Liz: I have never seen so much come out of one pigeon.

Floyd: The last time I drank, I ended up doing a Man-On-The-Street commercial for Tarzan on Ice.
*Flashback*
Floyd: It was awesome. He was flinging on skates, and the little monkey was funny. I wanna see it again!!
*End Flashback*
Liz: Yikes.
Floyd: Yeah, and I didn’t even see it.

Devon: Karate! Kaaarate! Kaaaaaaaaraate!

Kenneth: Well, I was in the neighborhood…

Kenneth: Do you want me to dance for you?
Devon: Yeah. That’s the business.
*News Comes On*
Devon: Touch your belt buckle. Touch the peacock. Oh you’re a peacock.
*The time is now 7:52*
Devon: 7:52? You worlock. You came to entrance me!

Floyd: Looks like I fell asleep on your legs.
Liz: Yeah it’s weird. I’ve never let anybody put their head that close to my feet before. Do you want some coffee….AH!
Floyd: Oh Boy!
Liz: Ah pins and needles!! Both my legs are asleep!
Floyd: Walk it off scarecrow!

Floyd: I think Tootsie is a very well crafted movie.
Liz: Yeah…they use it in all the screen play books.

Floyd: No. I’m going. I feel more confused and betrayed than those people who worked with Tootsie.

Devon: MC Lyte just killed Danny Bonaduche. Oh thanks, Phone!

Executive: Can you get those fireworks that look like…cowboy hats?
Jack: You sure can.

Tracy: Yo Toof. How you doin’?
Toofer: Not good. The barn that John Wilkes Booth hid in belonged to Tobias Spurlock.

Frank: No Toofer. Give into you heritage. Kill Tracy.

Tracy: It’s the story of Thomas Jefferson. Only it’s going to be like Norbit where I play all the parts.
Toofer: That’s actually hilarious.
Tracy: It’s not a comedy. It’s a drama.

Liz: Hi, I’m really sorry about what I did. And I know that you can’t forgive me. But to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went onto Clown College. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom would turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment, like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn’t leave until I finished my last plate of shrimp. A couple of months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow…I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends I am voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here’s one, when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today. So umm, that’s my deal. And now we’re even.

Floyd: Liz. You know the Roomba is a nice quiet alternative to a vacuum.
Liz: Thank you that’s a good tip.
Floyd: And in the interest of full disclosure, I also have a sexual fantasy about Gopher. Except mine’s the one from Caddy shack.
Liz: Well that makes sense because he’s a very good dancer.

Al Roker: Sky rockets in flight! Afternoon at night!

Assistant: Sir. The mayor.
Crew Worker: Shut it down!

Liz: Oh boy! Oh, the cowboy hat!

Ratings: 3.5/6 5.37 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 68th

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