Originally Aired: April 12, 2007
Written by: Jack Burditt & Robert Carlock
Directed by: Paul Feig

Summary: Sick of New York and frustrated with his career, Floyd (Guest Star Jason Sudeikis) contemplates a move to the Midwest and asks Liz (Tina Fey) if she’s consider leaving TGS behind. Jack (Alec Baldwin) rushes to Paris - and soon, the altar - with Christies auctioneer Phoebe (Guest Star Emily Mortimer) while Tracy (Tracy Jordan) works furiously on financing his latest career move, dubbed the “Tracy Jordan Comeback.” Scott Adsit, Jack McBrayer, Jane Krakowski, Keith Powell, Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Katrina Bowden and Rachel Dratch also star.

Quotes:

Liz: By the hammer of Thor!

Floyd: You can get that third humidifier you always dreamed about…
Liz: Slow down, I’m not ready to move my humidifiers yet.

Anonymous Arab: I’ll take this one too. My son Achmed will store his motorcycles here.

Phoebe: I’m Phoebe. We’ve met before. Jack proposed to me outside your office. I have hollow bones, like a bird.

Phoebe: We’ve just won the auction rights for a fantastic collection of Chinese erotica.
Jack: Pick out a good one for me.

Liz: So have you guys set a date?
Jack: Yes we have. May 18^th. That’s Bianca’s wedding date. It was my idea.

Jack: There are no rules in love, Lemon. My Princeton roommate did it the right way. Dated his college girlfriend for 13 years and the marriage didn’t last 8 months. And now he’s a post-op transgender.

Jack: Phoebe reset my watch back to New York time while I was sleeping on the plane. She really is a wonderful girl.

Jack: Here take my gold card.
Liz: Wow, it’s heavy!
Jack: It’s made of gold.

Tracy: I need a loan to finance my Thomas Jefferson movie. It’s going to be at least 30 million dollars with all the Claymation sex scenes in it!
Frank: They didn’t want to pay for that!?

Tracy: The movies just a small part of my plan.
Liz: What plan?
Tracy: The Tracy Jordan comeback! I’m doing a comedy tour. A Michael McDonald cover album.
Liz: I don’t know Tray, I don’t think of you as a great multi-tasker.
Tracy: What can I do? I’m on my grind. My kids are going to have so much money, my grandkids are going to play Lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.
Liz: I’m on my grind? Is that a…

Jack: Well played Garkel.

Liz: …And that is the plot of Caddyshack, I can’t believe you’ve never seen it.
Jenna: Classic!
*phone rings*
Phoebe: Oh, you like Wagner!
Liz: No, I like Elmer Fudd.
Jenna: Kill the Wabbit! Kill the Wabbit!
Phoebe: Both my parents were poets…so I don’t really get it.

Liz: So this has been a whirlwind romance for you. Just a whirl of wind.

Jenna: I’d marry Jack in a heart beat.
[gulps wine]
Jenna: I would have a three way with two Jacks!
Liz: You need to cool it.

Jenna: Wow, how Sex and the City are we right now? I’m Samantha, you’re Charlotte, and you’re the lady at home watching it.

Frank: Dude! Check it out! Bill Cosby hates you!

Tracy: What have I ever done to embarrass black people?
Frank: Uh…
[Flashblack] [Tracy is stealing a TV]
Dot Com: Why are we doing this?
Tracy: Because the Jets lost!

Tracy: Dr. Cosby is sending a message. They’re out to destroy me!
Frank: Who is?
Tracy: The Black Crusaders.

Phoebe: Your Floyd would love this one.
Liz: Yikes! If I was going to spend 600 dollars to have my boobs pinched I would have gone to that fundraiser at the Clinton’s house. Come on! That was solid…

Phoebe: Liz, I’m afraid I’m boring Jack sexually.
Liz: No no. Ew.
Phoebe: We’ve only just gotten engaged and already our intercourse is infrequent and unimaginative.
Liz: Phoebe, I’m really not that type of girlfriend. I mean I would gladly pick you up from the airport…
Phoebe: In Paris he fell asleep on top of me.

Jenna: Liz! Can you help me?
Liz: Yes ma’am. I don’t know you, but I will help you.

Floyd: That is my landlord…

Liz: That’s a good idea. Vermont is always nice or the Bahamas.
Floyd: I was thinking of Cleveland.
Liz: That is also a place.

Police Officer: What’s this fungus cream for?
Liz: Alright, that’s it, show’s over.

Liz: Ugh!! He spit in my mouth! Ugh! Let’s go to Cleveland!

Liz: Blurg!

Tracy: The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful Black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from Sesame Street; they’re members, too and they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the Interweb.
Liz: Ah, well, it must be true if it’s on the “interweb”.

Tracy: Did you know they ruin anybody who they think are making black people look bad. They tanked 50 Cent’s movie. They blew out Terrell Owen’s ankle, and they cancelled Eddie Murphy’s Oscar cause he done run out on Scary Spice! And now they’re after Tracy Jordan!

Liz: Phoebe bought some bonkers underwear, so have fun with that tonight.

Jack: She’s speaking at a seminar up at Columbia. And as much as I would like to attend, I haven’t been above 72^nd Street in over a decade.

Jack: We have an attraction that can only be described as wolf-like. Lupine.

Liz: Do you cover him?

Jonathan: I know you have your doubts about this. I can see it in your eyes.

Liz: …Then again all relationships are weird. I mean, my boyfriend, Flyod, wants to go to Cleveland…
[phone rings]
Jonathan: Oh! Thank god!

Jack: I tried to call you. He set fire to a cardboard cut out of Al Roker and now he’s locked himself in his dressing room.

Liz: Tracy. Come out. No one is trying to get you!
Tracy: Did you see this months Oprah magazine? That is an anagram for “Outlaw sour Tray!”
Jack: Who taught Tracy about anagrams?!

Tracy: The Black Crusaders are trying to get rid of me. They want me to disappear like Coolio.
Liz: Coolio is around!

Jack: [one phone with Dr. Spacemen] Could you also prescribe something for Tracy that will keep him awake during sex?

Cleveland Song
“What hot spot’s got the hippest groove?” “Cleveland!”
“Where all the real gone daddy’s move?” “Cleveland!”
“Dig that sweet Chiahoga Glow!”
Liz: What smells so good?
Floyd: Cleveland!
“Where the jet sets swing with hipper cats.”
“Shop at Higbee’s then we’ll hit the flats.”
Woman: Excuse me, are you a model?
Liz: No.
Woman: You are so skinny! You really should eat something.
“I say Cleveland, Hello!”
“New York and Paris just don’t have the sites you see on Euclid Ave.”
Policeman: Would you like to pet a real police horse?
“Chef-Boyardee was born here you know!”
Liz: Yes!
“Terminal Towers soars up in the sky! All those 50 groovy stories high!”
Man: Ladies first!
Liz: Thanks! Hi, I’d like two hot dogs, a pretzel with extra melted cheese.
*phone rings*
Liz: Hiya!
Kenneth: Ms. Lemon? This is Kenneth the NBC page in New York City. I hate to bother you out west but Tracy Jordan hasn’t come to work…
Liz: Oh Kenneth don’t be so New York uptight. I’m sure he’ll show up.
“Hey look over there I think I see a movie star! Even movie stars they come to Cleveland to get away.”
“Tracy Jordan you gotta get away gotta get away gotta get awaaay. To Cleeeeeveland!”

Liz: When did you have time to look for jobs and houses?
Floyd: When you were at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Liz: Did I tell you I sat in ZZTop’s car and then I had lunch with Little Richard!

Jack: For God’s sakes Lemon, we’d all like to flee to the Cleve and club up at the Flats and have lunch with Little Richard, but we fight those urges.

Kenneth: Yes ma’am. I’ve tried all six of his cell phones. It’s almost as if he never existed. Or maybe he’s just not answering.

Jack: Lemon, TGS without Tracy Jordan is basically a puppet show.
Jenna: You know I’m right here!

Liz: Floyd and I are thinking of moving.
Jack & Jenna: No you’re not.

Liz: And in Cleveland, I’m a model!
Jenna: Yeah, we’re all models west of the Allegheny.

Liz: Frank, that’s gonna get cut.

Phoebe: I care about Jack. I make him a better man. You know how John Lennon was better than the rest of the Beatles, but didn’t realize it until he met Yoko Ono?
Liz: You want to be Yoko?

Phoebe: You don’t know anything about me so back off!
Liz: What happened to your accent?
Phoebe: Umm, I don’t know what you’re on about…you daft wanker!

Tracy: Hello? Liz Lemon? It’s me. Stacy Gordon.

Jack: Damn it Lemon. Why didn’t you tell me The Black Crusaders were after Tracy?
*Sprints Away*
Liz: Surprisingly fast…
Kenneth: Yeah!

Floyd: Liz. I took that job.
Liz: Blurg.

Liz: I think she’s weird and I don’t like her. Her ex-boyfriend is old and I don’t even think she’s British! And you shouldn’t marry her, Jack. Please don’t marry her!
Jack: Oh my god! Lemon, Phoebe is right. You are infatuated with me!
Liz: What? No!

Jack: Flyod is moving? What did you do?

Liz: Yeah Jack. I know you fell asleep on top of her in Paris. Paris, France!
Jack: I think you should go.

Liz: …Blurg…

Ratings: 3.3/5 5.16 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 73th

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