Originally Aired: April 26, 2007
Written by: Tina Fey
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: As TGS’ summer hiatus approaches, Liz (Tina Fey) deals with the difficulties of her long-distance relationship with Floyd (guest star Jason Sudeikis) while she enlists Kenneth’s (Jack McBrayer) help in locating on-the-lam Tracy (Tracy Morgan). Meanwhile, Jack’s (Alec Baldwin) impending marriage to Phoebe (guest star Emily Mortimer) brings his mother, Colleen Donaghy (Emmy Award-winning guest star Elaine Stritch, “Law & Order”), to town. Emmy winner Sean Hayes (”Will & Grace”) and Chris Parnell (NBC “Saturday Night Live”) also guest-star. Jane Krakowski, Keith Powell, Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Katrina Bowden and Rachel Dratch also star.

Quotes:

Kenneth: Where was Kenneth? Let’s find out!

Dr. Spaceman: Cough. And cough. And cough. Ok. Now let’s start the examination.

Dr. Beauvoir: Are you getting enough sleep?
Liz: No.
Dr. Beauvoir: Drinking water?
Liz: No.
Dr. Beauvoir: Are you exercising at all?
Liz: No.
Dr. Beauvoir: You still working those long hours?
Liz: Yes.

Jack: I feel great. My weddings in a couple days.
Dr. Spaceman: May 18^th right? Same as Bianca’s.
Jack: I guess our friends will just have to choose between us. My mother is coming up from Florida, to attend Bianca’s wedding. So it’s perfect.

Dr. Spaceman: Do you have any questions? About the wedding night?

Dr. Spaceman: 310 over 290! We have a winner.

Dr. Beauvoir: Still not eating right? Huh?
Liz: No, but I am eating a lot!
Dr. Beauvoir: That sounds stressful.
Liz: My boyfriend is moving to Cleveland, but I’m going to visit him over vacation! And my boss is super mad at me because I know he fell asleep on top of his fiancée. And it’s the season finale of my show this week and a star is missing and may have been abducted by Kabala powerful black celebrities.
Dr. Beauvoir: That sounds stressful.

Jack: Is this you in these pictures?
Dr. Spaceman: My techniques guarantee male orgasm.

Pete: Well I guess if he’s not back by tomorrow morning… We’ll give some of his parts to Josh…and…[Jenna raises hand]…cut the rest.

Josh: Can I play Barak Obama?
Liz: No! It’s bad enough we have Tracy playing Barak Obama.

Cerie: I’m trying to get a head count for the end of the year party. Should I count Tracy and his guests? Or do you think he’s dead.

Pete: I hope he’s ok.
Liz: I hope he’s taking his medication
Kenneth: And I hope he took a jacket, cause it can get real chilly there.

Kenneth: Fine. I will tell you. Right now. That you are never going to find him.
[Liz slaps Kenneth]

Tracy: I think you have me confused with someone else. My name is Gordon Trameschco.

Tracy: Now make me a smoothie and let’s go clubbing.
Jesse: Oh we don’t have dancing or liquor here. But Cousin Kenneth sent me all your movies! At night I laugh so hard! It really riles up the wolves!

Jesse: I laughed so hard, I nearly wet my other pair of underpants!

Jack: Did you call Tracy’s wife on the phone?
Liz: Yeah, as far as she knew, he has been shooting a vampire movie in Bucharest since February.

Colleen: Welcome! Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Jack: Mother, this not Phoebe.
Liz: No no.
Colleen: Well why the hell not?

Colleen: She’s got a good solid baby bucket.
Liz: You are a sassy old broad aren’t you?

Phoebe: Hello Mother Donaghy, I’m Phoebe! It’s such a pleasure to meet you. I love your little hat!
Colleen: Oh my God.

Kenneth: Rooster? This is the farmer. Is the egg safe?
Jesse: The egg is in the nest.
Kenneth: Good. But be careful, the badger and the bear have been asking questions.
Jesse: I don’t know who you’re talking about.

Kenneth: Hillbilly.
Jesse: Hay-seed.

Tracy: Did he go to Russell Simmons’s birthday party? Were there girls there with butts?

Jesse: Your name is Gordon Trameschco. You live in Needmore, Pennsylvannia. Where we don’t go out of the night. Because of the wolves.

Liz: What’s the weather like there?
Floyd: It’s actually in the mid forties.
Liz: Oh really? Cause it’s low forties here.
Floyd: Really? Wow…

Liz: Ok fine, but I want a lobster. I want two lobsters! Totaling five pounds of lobster meat!

Phoebe: I always thought it would be lovely to get married in the spring, just as the petunias start to bloom.
Colleen: I’m sorry, Phoebe, what?
Phoebe: I always wanted to marry in the spring, just as the petunias bloom.
Colleen: Just when the what?
Phoebe: Oh dear, is she hard of hearing?
Colleen: No, no, no, no, I can hear you. I just wanted to make sure you could hear you.

Liz: She’s very well read. And she’s very stylish, don’t ya think. And the most important thing is that she makes Jack happy. She’s like a white geisha.
Colleen: A white geisha? Say no more, Shark Eyes.

Colleen: You got it wrong with Biyanka. And now your getting it wrong with what’s her name.
Jack: Well you ought to know, Collen, the only marriage in the history of St. Helen’s Catholic Church where the priest recommended the divorce. And it’s Biyanka like Sanka. It’s Bianca. Like Willy Wanka!

Tracy: I don’t care what they do to me any more! I’d rather die famous than live for a hundred years like this! Carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth. This is unsuitable!

Phoebe: Careful my bones! Are you alright?
Jack: Well with your condition, ordinarily wouldn’t you just be on top?
Phoebe: I can’t. I have vertigo.

Jack: Here it comes. The Big One. Ride it, Donaghy! Ride it straight to hell!

Liz: Is that how far apart my eyes are? I look like Admiral Akbar!
Floyd: Relax, it’s one of the reasons I like you.

Colleen: Oh no. I’m not going in there. I go in there, I get bird flu, I don’t come out.

Dr. Spaceman: [covered in blood] Ladies.
[Liz, Phoebe and Colleen gasp.]
Dr. Spaceman: What? This? No no. I was at a costume party earlier this evening. And the hostesses dog attacked me. So I had to stab it.

Dr. Spaceman: Also, I suspect he may have scurvy, because he keeps asking for Lemon.
Liz: Ugh, no. That’s me.
Colleen: Tell him his mother is here. And she loves him. But not in a queer way!

Jack: They gave me something…my mouth tastes like purple.

Jack: I saw it. My whole life passing before my eyes. Neil Patterson, pitching me the rotating microwave tray. Me, personally coining the phrase ‘What’s the up side?’ Participating in Hands Across America. And all this time I’ve been on this earth, I have only one regret; I should have worked more.

Jack: Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say “Sock it to me”.

Kenneth: Ooh, they got a door. That’s new.

Jesse: I’d invite you in, but I’ve got a living room full of chimney birds!

Pete: Cerie, would you like to dance in front of the band on TV. tonight, for like…ten minutes?
Cerie: What band?
Pete: Our house band.
Cerie: No thanks.

Jenna: Hey guys, I hear you are looking for someone to dance in front of the band.
Pete and Liz: Umm, no…

Tracy: Thanks Ken for saving me!
Kenneth: I’ll have you in New York in time for your traditional pre-show rant!
Tracy: I think it’s going to be about immigration!

Kenneth: By the hammer of Thor!

Jesse: Damn, I wish I had a vehicle!
Colleen: Let me ask you a few questions. Do you dye your hair?
Jack: No mother, why would I do that?
Colleen: Ok, what’s your middle name?
Jack: What?
Colleen: Just your middle name!
Jack: Frances.
Colleen: Did you take 20 dollars out of my pocket book in the summer of 1970.
Jack: No I did not.
Colleen: Do you love me?
Jack: Of course I do!
Colleen: I knew it…

Dr. Spaceman: They’ve got pretzels downstairs!

Tracy: Oh my God, what a terrible mistake accident!
Kenneth: If I die, will you take care of my birds?
Tracy: I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.
Kenneth: Oh…Tweety…

Liz: Ok, I know this has been a rough couple of days. But everyone has pulled together, and I am so proud, and so pumped. Because I honestly thing that his may be the best show we have ever done…
Tracy: I’m back!
Liz: Oh thank god, we were so screwed!

Liz: Robocop out, Cowboy Hey Hey back in!

Tracy: Liz Lemon, I would like to recommend Kenneth the page for NBC medal of excellence.
Liz: Ok that doesn’t exist, but you can write a letter for his file!
Tracy: I’ve got a lot on my plate!

Liz: Lutz, don’t just stand there, go eat something.

Tracy: I don’t know what this is.
Liz: Don’t worry about it. Just read the cards and act super gay.
Tracy: Ok. Take this Black Crusaders! It’s Cowboy Hey Hey!

Liz: So I’m your emergency contact huh?
Jack: You are the only person I know who wouldn’t hesitate to pull the plug.

Jack: Honestly, I no longer think you are doing a terrible job and I am very proud of you.
Liz: Thanks Jack! I’m going to pull the plug now!
Jack: Whoa!
Liz: Just let me do it!

Ratings: 3.1/6 4.72  Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 74th

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