Originally Aired: October 18, 2007
Written by: Matt Hubbard
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: In an effort to cut off any chance of GE digging up dirt against him, Jack (Alec Baldwin) hires his own private investigator, Len (Guest Star Steve Buscemi), to head them off. However, when Jack learns that he must give up his secret cookie jar collection, it almost proves to be too much of a sacrifice. Tracy’s (Tracy Morgan) wife, Angie (Guest Star Sherri Shepherd), announces that she is going to be with him at all times to make sure that he behaves. Liz (Tina Fey) thinks this will be good for Tracy, however, when Tracy forces Liz to cover for him, she quickly learns that it doesn’t pay to be on Angie’s bad side. Meanwhile, Jenna (Jane Krakowski) is enjoying all the success and admiration her weight gain has brought until she realizes that she is starting to lose the weight. Steve Buscemi and Sherri Shepherd guest star; Scott Adsit, Kevin Brown, Jack McBrayer and Maulik Pancholy also star.

Quotes:

Jonathan: One day, sir, this whole city will be yours.
Liz: Oh hey can I talk to you?
Jonathan: You always ruin everything!

Liz: I got a call from some lawyer today asking what kind of boss you are, how long I’ve known you, and what animal best describes you.
Jack: What did you say?
Liz: An eagle with the head of a bear?
Jack: Thank you, you respect means the world to me, Lemon.

Liz: Do you think they’ll find anything?
Jack: Oh yeah.

Liz: You hired someone to investigate yourself?  That’s weird.
Jack: Oh you do the same thing with your therapist every week, don’t you?
Liz: I had an amazing break through with my therapist this week.  I was talking about that dream that I have all the time where you…
Jack: Ring Ring!  [Picks up fake phone]  Hello.  I’m sorry I have to take this.  Yes.  Well she’s right here.
Liz: Wait a minute, fake phone.
Jack: She’ll be right down.  What else is going on?

Liz: What’s going on in here?  You’re on time for work, the woman in your dressing room is your wife?!

Angie: The other condition: I’m with him all the time.  All he gets to do is work, eat, love on me, and sleep.  Isn’t that right baby?
Tracy: I’m whipped!  Angie got me up at 7:30 today.  Did you know in the morning they have food, tv, almost everything.  It’s pretty good.
Liz: I did know that!  Yeah!

Angie: Tracy’s like a horny child.  He needs constant adult supervision.  Will you help me out when I’m not here?
Liz: If it keeps him like that, yes!
Angie: Will you be able to do that without falling in love with him?
Liz: Also yes!

Liz: I think you and me are going to make a great team.
Angie: Oh, you looking for a sassy black friend?
Liz: Oh no I didn’t mean…
Angie: Well you got one now girlfriend.  Go on!

Kenneth: Ms. Maroney, here’s today’s fan mail.
Jenna: Are there any from prisons?
Kenneth: Are there?!  Federal!

Jenna: Enrome!  Make him chase the chunk.

Lenny: Have you ever been arrested?
Jack: I have.  The 1976 Democratic National Convention.  But it’s ok, I was there beating up hippies.
Lenny: And what about your family?  Any skeletons there?
Jack: By brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems to elementary schools.  My cousin Tim fixes NBA games.  My mother is an Olympics level racist.  But as for the rest, they’re too drunk to do much of anything.  Unless getting thrown out of a Chili’s is a crime.
Lenny: Any weird sex stuff I should know about? You know what, don’t tell me.  I like to find out on my own.  I’m a watcher.

Jenna: I’m loosing weight.
Liz: What?
Jenna: Look at my belt.  This is the notch I made last week.  This is the notch I’m using now.  I’m back to the factory made notches!
Liz: Jenna, calm down.
Jenna: No I won’t calm down.  This can’t be happening.  Everything is based on the fat!  Enormem, the offer to play Ms Packman in the live action Atari movie.
Liz: What?

Tracy: Hey Liz Lemon.  I’ve been reading the newspaper to come up with some ideas for some topical sketches.  So this week can we do “Business Section”?

Tracy: Where is my lovely wife?
Liz: Oh she had to step out for a hair appointment.
Tracy: Oh, I’m going to a strip club now.

Tracy: This is who I am.  You can’t ask a bird not to fly.  You can’t ask a fish not to swim.  You can’t ask tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.

Tracy: I feel bad about doing this to you, Liz Lemon.  I really do.  And the only way I can feel better about myself, is to get booby slapped by a coked out Russian stripper.

Jack: Is there something we need to discuss.
Jenna: No Jack, everything is great!
Jack: Look, it’s come to my attention that you no longer have an eating problem.
Jenna: That’s ridiculous!
Jack: Is it? You’re not breathing heavily; your skin is cleared up.  I even find you slightly attracted right now.
Jenna: Don’t say that Jack.  Come on, “Me Want Food! Right?
Jack: Do you want food, Jenna?  Do you?!
Jenna: I don’t know anymore!  I have no appetite.

Jack: Kenneth!  Kenneth here’s going to be with you 24/7 to keep you fat.  Keeps you fat, keeps you funny.  Isn’t that right, Kenneth?
Kenneth: I’ll be just like back home on the pig farm.  I’m going to fatten you yup, grow to like you, then my uncles will slit your throat!

Lenny: There are a couple things, though, that could get in the way of this promotion.  Like you should probably give up your membership to the all white Woodvale Country Club.
Jack: That is not an all white club.  What about Johnny Carlos?  He’s ethic.
Lenny: He’s the King of Spain, Jack.  I don’t think that counts.
Jack: Alright, I’ll resign.
Lenny: Ok, you also have an undocumented domestic employee.
Jack: Manuello?  No, I need Manuallo.  I could never pay an English speaking person that little.  They’d starve!

Lenny: This is Rudolph Giuliani, in 1987, with his collection of antique wooden dolls.
Jack: That’s a fake.  Giuliani doesn’t collect dolls!
Lenny: Yeah that’s right.  Because he incinerated them!

Tracy: Hey everybody!  I’m back from doing whatever Liz Lemon, said.
Angie: And what was that exactly?
[Liz makes snake motions]
Tracy: My cobra, Ramsey.  He had got sick, so I took him to the vet.
[Liz gives him thumbs up and nods her head]
Tracy: Then my thumb got caught in my butt so I nodded my head until it came out.

Angie: You smell like Emorme and brass polish!  You were at a strip club. 

Angie: I trusted you.  You wear glasses!

Tracy: Good bye forever, Liz Lemon!  Thank you for being my secretary.

Liz: Well in this one, Tracy plays a gentleman who wears flamboyant clothes and lives uptown.
Angie: He’s a pimp.
Liz: He’s an entrepreneur.
Angie: What’s the character’s name?
Liz: Slick Back Le Mare.

Angie: Excuse me.  Did you just try to control my body with your white hand?  Don’t make me contact Reverend Sharpton!

Kenneth: This stuff will make you real fat Ms. Maroney.  It made my dad’s heart just up and give out.  And that’s what made my mom’s friend Ron move in.

Kenneth: [Playing airplane with a spoon] Coming in for a landing.  Uh oh!  There’s turbulence.  Now an Indian guy got up to use the bathroom and an air marshal shot him!
Jenna: No!  I can’t!
Kenneth: Boy I wish I had some pig sedative right now!

Pete: You want a scary black lady to be nice to you, tell her you like her nails.  Always works for me at the bank.

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon, may I speak to you.
Liz: Sure, can you walk and talk?
Kenneth: Usually, but now you’ve got me thinking about it.  Jenna with problem I have.

Liz: Women with low self esteem take refuge in either food or sex.

Jonathan: Sir, someone else called about purchasing your collection.  A Mr. Gary Heingard.
Jack: No, Jonathan, he lives in Albany.  The temperature fluctuations alone would… These things expand and contract.  They’re alive, Jonathan!

Liz: What’s with the cookie jar?
Jack: I collect them.
Liz: Really?  Is that some sort of unresolved childhood thing?
Jack: Nice try.  Uh, we never had any cookie jars in my home, because my mother never baked us any cookies, because she didn’t feel we deserved any cookies.  So obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Liz: But that cookie jar says “MOM” on it.
Jack: I don’t think so.  I’ve always viewed it as an upside down “WOW.”

Jack: The guy with the weird hobby never gets the corner office.

Liz: Tracy’s wife is out of control!
Jack: Did you tell her you like her nails?

Jack: Lemon, I’m impressed.  You’re beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz: A businesswoman.
Jack: I don’t think that’s a word.

Liz: So what do I do about Angie?
Jack: I think you’re going to have to fight her.  You throw her out.  She’ll probably punch you in the face, and then we eject her from the building and we bar her for life.  Now Angie’s right handed so you’ll have to work her clockwise.
Liz: Wait, you’ve already thought about how to fight her?
Jack: Every time I meet a new person I think about how I’m going to fight them.  You have a gimpy left knee right?

Kenneth: Hello Jenna!  Still failing at overeating just like you fail at everything in your life?
Jenna: What?
Kenneth: You quitter, you’re going to quit this like you quit fashion school?  Give up?  Like you gave up on your relationship with David Blaine?
Jenna: He’s the one who drove the wedge.  With his magic!
Kenneth: Also, you have so many daddy issues, the only thing that’s keeping you from being a stripper is you weird mole.

Angie: Are you stepping up on me?
Liz: What if I am.  Also, your nails look tacky!

Tracy: I’m the immature one.  And you’re making me act like and adult!  An adult!

Liz: Oh no!  You guys start with that?!  That is…wow!

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I have some bad news.  I wasn’t able to get Mr. Maroney to eat.  I’m so sorry.
Jack: What happened?
Kenneth: Well it turns out she was the wrong kind of crazy.  And I guess we have to get married now.

Kenneth: Huh!  Look at the old kooky old cookie jar!  I like the upside down WOW on it!
Jack: You like cookie jars, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I guess I never thought about it that much.  We had nice one back home in Georgia.  Had a bear on it.  I remember when my mom’s friend Ron would come over.  They’d go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork.  And, I’d just go ahead and stare at that cookie jar.  It was almost as if I took every problem that I ever had and I put it inside that cookie jar.  And I sealed it up so tight that nothing would ever, ever, ever get out.  So, I guess to answer your question, I’d give cookie jars about a B!

Jack: Some people have so many problems, there’s not enough cookie jars in the world to contain them.
Kenneth: Well that just makes me sad.

Jack: Are you happy now you son of a bitch!?

Ratings: 3.9/6 6.27 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 72nd

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2.04 - Rosemary’s Baby»