Originally Aired: November 29, 2007
Written by: John Riggi
Directed by: Michael Engler

Summary: As part of his community service, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) takes on the duties of coaching an inner city little league team from Knuckle Beach, the worst neighborhood in New York. Jack (Alec Baldwin) has a special interest in the team and wants to turn these underprivileged kids into winners. He showers them with gifts of a new scoreboard, backstop, a fresh pitcher’s mound and tuxedo uniforms, only to have the plan backfire with protests and uprising. To make matters worse, Jack fires Tracy as coach and hires Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) as the new team leader. Back in the writer’s room, Jamie (Guest star Val Emmich) the new young, hot coffee boy asks Liz (Tina Fey) out on a date to a gallery opening. There’s a 17-year age difference between the two, but Jamie thinks Liz is only 29. Jack and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) urge Liz to go on the date and embrace the age difference. But Liz is not so sure about her new boy toy. Also stars Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Scott Adsit, Keith Powell, Katrina Bowden and Maulik Pancholy.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Frank: Liz, Lutz and I are going to walk around Times Square and pretend to be foreign.
Lutz: [accent] I am from Hamburg ya?
Frank: Want to come?
Liz: Oh I can’t. My cousin is in town.
Jenna: Liz, I’m getting drinks with recently divorced camera guy, you in? Legally separated sound guy is gonna be there.
Liz: Oh I don’t feel well…
Tracy: Hey Liz Lemon, I’m going to an animals only strip club. Interested?
Liz: Does that mean the animals strip or are the animals the customers?
Tracy: Animal customers? That’s ridiculous.
Liz: Well, I got a date tonight

Jack: Big night, Lemon? Let me guess. Meatball sub, extra bead? Bottle of NyQuil? Tivoed Top Chef?
Liz: No, I have something to do tonight, Jack.
Jack: Then you won’t mind when I tell you that Casey gets voted off tonight?
Liz: You monster! Why are you like this!?

Jack: Tracy, this is wonderful. I had no idea you were interested in baseball.
Tracy: I wasn’t. My motorcycle hit a police horse. This is community service.

Jack: I remember when my high school team when we won the Boston city championship. Everyone told us we were going to lose cause our team was all white and the other team was completely…uh…anyways we won.

Jack: Baseball taught me how to dream. What are your dreams?
Kid #1: When I grow up, I’m going to do vending machine maintenance.
Kid #2: I’m gonna get shot by a cop and sue the city.
Kid #3: I’m going to be a talkative doorman with a drinking problem.
Tracy: That’s right, you shoot for the stars.

Tracy: These aren’t winners. They’re 0-17. Damn, we supposed to be at the game right now. 0-18! That one was one Coach Tracy.

Kid #1: Someday, I’ll have an office like this, to clean.
Jack: You can have an office of this of your very own. All you need is someone to point you in the right direction, a role model.
Kid #1: Like R. Kelly and Michael Vic.

Jenna: Who ordered the veal?

Jamie: Uh Lutz?
Jenna: I’m Lutz.
Jamie: You ordered a minty chocolate mocha blast with half and half and brownie chunks? Hmm.

Liz: Give it up, Jenna. You’re talking to an ultrasound.
Jamie: Now I’m getting attitude from the sexy librarian over here.
Liz: What? Sexy? You are! Shut up!

Frank: Wow, that guy is adorable.
Lutz: Haha, Frank’s gay!
Frank: Maybe I am gay, for that little peach.
Lutz: Yeah? You want to kiss him?
Frank: I do. I want to kiss him on the mouth and hold him!
Liz: What are you talking about?
Frank: I don’t know, something just happened, Liz.
Liz: Come on. You read Boobs Magazine.
Frank: I want Jamie.
Lutz: Yeah. You’re gay. He’s totally gay… Why isn’t this more fun?

Tracy: Come on, gather around. Circle up. Everybody circle up. Alright circle up. Circle up, around me, around me. Alright listen, that’s enough. There’s a weird dude standing over there and I don’t want to get shot today. So great hustle, great practice. Ok the weird dude is gone, go home.

Kid #2: Hey guys, it’s the king we met!

Tracy: You don’t get these kids, Jack. They don’t care about winning. They just want to be able to go outside for once. Did you know that our first practice they asked me what the sun was?

Jamie: Hey.
Liz: Hey.
Jamie: Um,
Frank: Hey Jamie! Wow. Did you just come from working out or are you naturally veiny?
Liz: You need to cool it.

Liz: Jamie, how old do you think I am?
Jamie: I don’t know, 29?
Liz: Wow… you are good at guessing ages. I am exactly 29…

Jamie: So I’ll pick you up around 10:00?
Liz: At night?!

Frank. I’m gay for Jamie.
Liz: No, that’s not a thing. You can’t be gay for one person. Unless you are a lady and you meet Ellen.
Frank: Well then, I got some real thinking to do. It’s scary. But also exciting!

Liz: I can’t believe I did that. I told myself I would never lie about my age.
Jenna: These things happen, Liz. I had my no sex with Asians rule, but one day you walk into Sharper Image and there’s Kwan.

Liz: Oh he is cute. He looks like Zac Efron. That’s a thing right?

Jenna: Oh go for it Liz. I always roll with it when hot guys think I’m 22. What can we do? We’re cougars.
Liz: We’re what?
Jenna: Cougars. Hot older ladies pouncing on their young pray.
Liz: Ugh.
Jenna: There was a whole article about it in Vanity Fair; the one with the Crisis in Africa cover. God, it makes me so sad that people don’t know about cougars.

Jenna: Why don’t you go to Abercrombie and Fitch?
Liz: Ugh. No. It’s too loud in there.
Jenna: Don’t say that. Cougars have to act young. You should get a ring pop to suck on.

Frank: Sorry Jenna, I’m probably gay now. It’s never gonna happen between us.

Jack: Hello coach, I thought we’d have a little meeting before today’s practice.
Tracy: Practice? Meetings? What is this, a marriage?

Tracy: Jack, have you ever been to Knuckle Beach? It’s a totally different world; a world where orange soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk.
Jack: Tracy, I don’t have to understand their world in order to help them. It’s like this great country of ours. We can go into any nation, impose our values, and make things better. It’s what Bush is doing all over the globe.
Tracy: Bush?! Now I don’t want to go off on a rant here!

Kenneth: Oh, sorry. This is my dream journal. They’ve all come true so far.

Jack: There was nothing Churchillian about the performance!

Tracy: You can’t wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything.

Jack: Tracy, your failure of leadership is unacceptable.
Tracy: Now you’re going to blame this on me? I told you this was going to happen.
Jack: Exactly. I need someone who belives in what we’re doing here. Tracy, you’re fired. Kenneth, you’re in charge.

Liz: Speaking of music I like, how about Gnarls Barkley. That guy’s great. Have you been to his official website? It’s really…

Jamie: So after this I though we’d hit up Marquis. They only serve drinks until 4:00, but I can get us into this after hours club in Brooklyn.
Liz: I’m 37!
Jamie: What?
Liz: I’m 37. Please don’t make me go to Brooklyn.
Jamie: I’m 20.

Liz: Oh, when will death come?

Jack: Lemon, what happened? Did you take an Ambient with your Franzia and sleep walk here?

Jack: Where did you two meet, an amber alert?

Jack: That is so sexist of you. To that clueless boy over there you’re a very powerful woman. Technically you’re a catch. You’ve got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

Jack: Why are you so against having fun in my life?
Liz: I’m not against fun. I went on my roof the other day.
Jack: Stop fighting this. He’s hot, poor and eager to please. Just buy him a few gifts, never give him your home phone number, and if you set a curfew, stick to it.

Kenneth: And they all seem to really hate my grandpa casue they keep yelling “Kill Whitey” and I’m like, what do you think you are, alcohol?
Jack: All right, Kenneth, calm down. There was bound to be some unrest when we removed Tracy. They’re testing our resolve. Stay the course.

Tracy: You’ll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy in my tell-all book: Betrayal: What really happened to my baseball team, the disaster at Knuckle Beach?

Kenneth: It’s chaos sir. They’ve turned on each other. And they won’t listen. Especially when I say don’t hit me with my own shoes.

Jack: You kids put those bats down! For the love of god!

Cerie: Liz, did I see you Saturday at Marquis?
Liz: I was there, yes.
Cerie: So what were you doing there? Was it like that time they found my grandpa at the bus station.

Cerie: Wow, coffee guy?! That will really make your ex-husband jealous.
Liz: Cerie, for the last time, I have never been married.
Cerie: That’s the spirit!

Aidan: Give me chance for a soda?
Jenna: But you just had one!
Aidan: Whatever.
Jenna: Don’t you whatever me! Hey! Hey! What did I say about wearing your Healies inside? Hey! Aidan!

Liz: Yes, I have a boy toy, and we look great together.
Lutz: That’s great Maude. How’s Harold?

Jamie: I had fun the other night. You’re roof is awesome.
Liz: Oh thanks, I go up there all the time.

Frank: I made you a painting that’s called One Armed Mermaid That’s Part Unicorn With Bigfoot!

Frank: Liz, be good to him.

Jack: Tracy, it’s hard for me to admit when I’ve made a mistake. So I won’t.
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I have made a terrible mistake.

Tracy: Just because I don’t support Jack Donaghy, doesn’t mean I don’t support the kids.

Kenneth: Every one of them wrote you a letter asking you to come back.
Tracy: Wow. Jack, if I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not read them?

Tracy: Alright Jack, what’s the plan.
Jack: One word, “surge.”
Tracy: That’s two words!

Grizz: That one goes out to WS Churchill.

Jamie: Look at us, we look awesome together.
Liz: Yeah. Now I know why Demi Moore does this.

Liz: Yup. That’s what we look like. Shut it down.

Jack: Thank god I’m off the market.
Liz: Oh are you seeing someone?
Jack: What? No. I mean this company is my girlfriend. She gives me all the loving I’ll ever want or need.
Liz: That’s gross, Jack.

Ratings: 3.8/6 5.98 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 72nd

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2.08 - Secrets and Lies»