Originally Aired: December 6, 2007
Written by: Ron Weiner
Directed by: Michael Engler

Summary: C.C. (Guest star Edie Falco) wants to go public with her relationship with Jack (Alec Baldwin), but Jack is still very reluctant. Meanwhile, Liz (Tina Fey) continues to appease both Tracy (Tracy Morgan) and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) as stars of “TGS with Tracy Jordan.” To pacify Tracy, Liz fakes a satellite transmission to accept an award from the Pacific Rim Emmys, and it infuriates Jane. She goes “diva” on Liz by being late to rehearsals and hiring two personal assistants. Liz quells Jane’s temper by pulling a few tricks to make her feel special as well. Also stars Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Scott Adsit, Keith Powell, Katrina Bowden and Maulik Pancholy. With special guest stars Edie Falco and James Carville.

Quotes:

CC: What if someone sees us?
Jack: Don’t worry.  It’s too early for the creative types.  And I sent my assistant out to a non-existent Italian bakery out in Queens.
[Flash to a mechanics garage.]
Jonathan: This is the address he game me!  He never makes mistakes! I can’t go back there without Sfogliatelle!

Jack: Take off your pants suit.
CC: Right back at you.

Liz: Oh! Workplace!

Jack: Lemon, you’re here early.
Liz: Well I gave caffeine so I’ve been going to bed at 5:30

Jack: Liz Lemon, I’d like you to meet a business associate of mine… uh… Lequitia…uh Gutierrez…uh… Arafat.

Liz: Hi.
CC: Hi.  I like your necklace.
Liz: Oh thanks.  It’s actually a rape whistle but the whistle part fell off and I just liked how it looked so I kept it.

Liz: Well I’ll leave you to it.
CC: It being business.
Liz: Of course!  I call the movie Risky Business, ‘Risky It.’ Because ‘it’ means ‘business.’ Lemon out!

Toofer: You are not graduated from that institution.
Frank: Well, I got a squeezer from and Indian girl on a bunk bed.  So I think I got the full Harvard experience.
Liz: That does sound pretty accurate.

Toofer: You do not want to make a Harvard man angry.
[Writers laugh]

Jack: Lemon, that woman you met this morning in my office is not a colleague of mine.  We are lovers.
Liz: Ugh, that word bugs me out unless it’s between “meat” and “pizza.”

Jack: This company has a very strict Bros Before Hos policy.

Liz: Wow, so you must really have some serious feelings for her.
Jack: Ok, if I can’t say “lovers,” you can’t say “feelings.”

Jack: I just want you to be discrete.  And try not to dress like a small town lesbian.

Jack: Well, Lemon, that was a good chat.  Good luck with that alopecia problem of yours.
Liz: Oh come on.  [To writers] Yeah, I don’t have that.  I’m very hairy.

Jenna: Do you remember when I filmed that movie version of the Mystic Pizza Musical?
Pete: Do I?  I don’t.
Jenna: Well the NY City Critics Association just sent me this.  Best Actress in a movie based on a musical based on a movie.
Liz: Hey that’s great!
Tracy: Ok enough!  How long are we gonna talk about this stupid award?!  We have more important things to worry about.  Like where are those French fries I did not ask for?  You guys need to anticipate me!

Liz: It’s gonna be one those week…
Pete: Oh no, I talked to him last time when he wanted to change his name to “Wise Greasy Bastard.”

Liz: Oh monsters… Why did I create you?

Tracy: It’s not fair, Liz Lemon.  Everyone wins awards except for me.  Even Shaquille O’ Neil got a Kid’s Choice Award for that animated movie we did.
[Movie]
Octopus Tracy: Boy!  I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure!
Whale Shaq: It would be a slam dunk.
Octopus Tracy: Would you call what we did last night sex?
[End Movie]
Tracy: I spent two days making that movie for my homie, and what did I get?  A million dollars, a yellow Bentley, and nothing!

Tracy: I’m a failure Liz Lemon, maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I’ve been hearing so much about.

Tracy: Pacific Rim? I love the Pacific Rim!  I spent 9 months in Japan shooting Samurai I Am Awry.  I fell in love with their culture, especially sharking.
Liz: What’s sharking?
Tracy: It’s when you run up on a lady on the street and pull her tube top down while your friend video tapes it.  It’s considered a crime here.  Thanks a lot Puritans.

Tracy: I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public.  Especially Godzilla.  Hahaha I’m just kidding.  I know he doesn’t care what humans do.

Liz: He’s fine; I just need you to make him a Pacific Rim Emmy.
Pete: Props have and old basketball tropy we sodder some wings onto.
Liz: I love it.

Jenna: It is amazing how grounded I’ve been able to stay, despite me Celebrete.

Josh: Haha! You’re lame things is on his pants.

Tracy: Banter!

CC: We had a longer invite list, but we thought for the sake of discretion…
Jack: We had to eliminate anyone with any influence or connections or stature so that pretty much left you.  And then we added Kenneth so you’d have someone to talk to.
Kenneth: [reading off note cards] What’s your favorite pizza topping?  Mines plain, but I like others.

Kenneth: Liz, tell me a painful story, about your teenage years.

Tracy: I would like to thank you Pacific Rimmers for all that you’ve given us; karaoke, karate; and most of all, Wazami Attacku!  Shark Attack!

Liz: Ok so you got Sharked, and that’s not great.

Liz: I did hear the janitor say that your boobs looked good.

Jenna: No.  I don’t want to hear it, Liz!

Jenna: The squirrel!  It’s not afraid of people!

Liz: Boy, you and Jack make a hell of a Celebrity Team.
[Flashback]
CC: Uh, this is that chick who…
Jack: Venus Willaims.
CC: Remember that time you fell asleep…
Jack: Captain Beefheart.
[End Flashback]
CC: It’s like we share a brain.  I’m sorry you got stuck with Kenneth.
[Flashback]
Kenneth: Ok, this is not a character from a television program.  Ok this is not a character from the Bible.  Uh…Pass!
Liz: You can’t pass!  You hillbilly!
[End Flashback]
Liz: No, I’m sorry.  I don’t normally slap people.

Liz: I don’t think you want to take advice from me on this.  I mean I ate a 3 Muskateers bar this morning, and this bra is held together by tape.

Liz: Have you ever compromised for a man before?
CC: No.
Liz: Me neither!  Oh god, it was my birthday yesterday!  Ugh!

Toofer: Hey guys, it’s me, Frank.
Lutz: Oh no! Escalation!
Frank: Ok that [Mom Expert] hat’s not cool, jackass.  My mom’s a great lady!
Toofer: Oh yeah was it her greatness that made your dad leave?
Frank: He didn’t leave.  He’s a submarine commander running silent.
Josh: Let’s watch this instead of working.

Jack: 5 million each?  That’s NBA sexual assault money.

Jack: I like when a woman has ambition.  It’s like seeing a dog wearing clothes.

CC: I should never have listened to a woman to tapes her bra together.
Jack: Lemon…

Jack: Everybody looks good in a Sheinhardt.

Pete: Something’s going on with Jenna.  She told an NBC tour that’s she going to get the pregnant.

Liz: Would you trade jobs with each other.

Frank: Liz, we have a serious crisis.  We’re mad at each other…
Liz: What?   No!  I have legitimate problems to deal with.

Liz: Um, hi, is Jenna in there?
Sasha: Bitch? Are you in here?

Jenna: I’m going to get my eyeballs whitened.  I’ll be back in a couple of hours, if I feel like it.

Patrice: Oh Melissa.  You’re face is on the phone.  Soccer practice is over and you need to pick it up.
Liz: Alright that’s a pretty good burn, Patrice.

Jack: You just don’t understand what I’m going through.  Nobody understands what I’m going though!  [elevator opens] I’ll take the next one Carville.

Jack: How do you and Mary Madeline make it work.  I mean she’s a brilliant patriotic Republican strategist.  And you, lets face it, are a pinko nut job.

James Carville: Cajun style!

James Carville: Trying to steal candy from a vending machine?  Let me show you how it’s done.  Cajun style!

Tracy: If she gets to do that then I get to do this weeks show as my alter ego.  Professor Cosmotosis.

Liz: You think Tracy get special treatment?
Jenna: I don’t think.  I know.
Liz: Well I coddle the crap out of you too!  You’re online fan club, that’s me.  I made Frank set that up as punishment after he farted in my chair.  And when you did that morning radio show the other week, every caller was me.
[Flashback]
Liz: [Indian accent] I am loving all of your characters.
Jenna: Thanks for calling Sanjay.  I really believe in karma!
[End Flashback]
Liz: And this award you just got?  It’s a cookie.

Liz: You’re so insecure you get jealous of babies for their soft skin.
Jenna: And how much attention they get.

Liz: I lay awake at night wondering what fresh hell tomorrow will bring.

Liz: All right.  Not in front of the gays.

Liz: I got a new nick name for Josh; Dr. Haircut.
Josh: It’s not even my normal barber.  My mom did it.
Writers: Dr. Haircut!  Dr. Haircut!

CC: I’m 43 and you have great hair.  I can let this play out a little longer.

Jack: Gentlemen, token ladies.   I have an important announcement.  Some of you may or may not recognize the lady standing besides me.  Her name is Celeste Cunningham.  And she is a Democratic congress woman…
[murmurs]
Jack: From the state of Vermont.
[murmurs]
Jack: And she is my lover.  That’s right.  She’s my liberal Hippie-dippie momma.  My groovy chick.  My old lady.

Jack: She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog.

Jack: I’m Jack Donaghy, damnit! And this is my woman.

GE Exec #1: I gave to NPR last year.
[Murmers]
GE Exec #2: My children go to public school.
GE Exec: #3: I’m gay.
GE Exec: #4: I’m black.

CC: I just want to let you know, that in 1984, I voted for Ronald Reagan. [Applause breaks out.]

GE Exec #5: I murdered my wife.

Ratings: 3.7/6 5.58 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 67th

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