Originally Aired: December 13, 2007
Written by: Tami Sagher
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: It’s holiday time and the staff of “TGS with Tracy Jordan” is having their annual “Ludachristmas” party – complete with music, merriment, “The Human Table” and a Horny Santa. Unfortunately, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) can’t participate due to his newly court mandated alcohol monitoring bracelet. Since holidays mean special family time, Liz’s (Tina Fey) parents, Dick (Guest star Buck Henry) and Margaret (Guest star Anita Gillette) Lemon, and her 40-year-old brother Mitch (Guest star Andy Richter), who suffers from memory loss due to a skiing accident and thinks he is 17-year-old high school senior, come to gloat over their “beautiful genius” daughter. Jack’s (Alec Baldwin) jaded mother, Colleen (Guest star Elaine Stritch), even shows up unexpectedly from Florida. The Lemons and the Donaghys go to dinner together, where Colleen spends the night trying to break the eternal optimism of the Lemon family. Meanwhile, in the spirit of Christmas cheer, Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) decides to teach the writing staff a lesson on gratitude by inviting a priest to the party.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Jack: It’s our new handheld photo scanner slash paper shredder.
Liz: Wouldn’t people just end up shredding their photos?
Jack: Well no no. It’s very easy to use. If you want to photo scan, you flip the switch to “PS.” And if you want to paper shred, you flip the switch to… oh.

Cerie: Are you going to Horny Santa again, Frank? That was so funny last year when I sat on your lap.
Frank: Yes. Funny.

Liz: My parents are coming with my brother, and we’re going to go see Jersey Boys on Broadway and we’re going to that restaurant where they pretend it’s Mars.
Jack: Wow. You must be a ball of anxiety right now.

Liz: I remember them arguing a lot during the Gas Crisis of ‘79. But since Carter left office it’s been pretty smooth sailing.
Jack: You got that right.

Liz: So is your mother coming up from Florida?
Jack: No. I invited her out of my paralyzing Irish guilt. But her plane was grounded because of Hurricane Zapato.

Jonathan: Sir, your mother is here. She took a bus to Atlanta. She got Jet Blue to accept an Amtrak ticket!
Jack: Tell her I’m not…
Colleen: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells!

Colleen: Jack, isn’t this the office you had before? I thought you were up for a big promotion.
Jack: I am mother and there are only two nicer offices in the whole building.
Colleen: Only two? I don’t like the odds. I think you better let that dream go.

Jack: Her name is CC.
Colleen: Is she Spanish?
Jack: What if she was, mother?
Liz: She’s very smart, Colleen, you’d like her.
Colleen: My thanks, to the peanut gallery. Jack, this coat isn’t going to take itself off.

Liz: For those who don’t know my brother, Mitch was in a skiing accident his senior year of high school, and he has what’s called Trauma Induces Niveaphasia. Basically he’s just stuck in the day before his accident.
[Flashback]
Mitch: Tomorrows the big day. It’s totally going to be rad!
Liz: Yeah, Mitch, rad!
[End Flashback]
Liz: He thinks it’s 1985 so if you meet him, just be cool.
Jenna: It should be mentioned that sexually Mitch is very much an adult.
Liz: No, it should not be mentioned.

Kenneth: [passing out presents] Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! [to Josh] Merry Jewish!

Kenneth: Christmas is about gratitude and togetherness; sitting with friends and family around a crackling fire, waiting for the owl meat to cook. Sometimes I don’t think you people understand Christmas at all.
Stripper: Hi, I’m here early. I’m here to have Christmas meats eaten off my chest at some party. [coughs]

Liz: Well, fancy suits, how was court?
Grizz: Not great, Beth.
Liz: Oh you really were in court?
Dot Com: All Tray had to do was sign his community service papers. But he makes us stop for breakfast first.
Tracy: So it’s my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York state? That’s on me now?!

Tracy: This time of the year? Ludachistmas? New Years Eve? Martian Luther King Day? All you do is drink.
Liz: No Tracy, you are not going to Ludachistmas. The three of you are in charge of keeping him from drinking.
Kenneth: Ok, but who’s project manager?

Dick Lemon: Lemon Party! Permission to land?!
Liz: Permission granted!!!

Margaret Lemon: So Jack, isn’t this beautiful genius the best employee you’ve ever had or what?
Jack: … … … No.

Dick Lemon: Show us what you’ve been working on Wilma Shakespeare!

Mitch: Hey Liz, guess who’s going skiing with me? Chris Stanek, your boyfriend!
Liz: Aw what? Shut up! I don’t like him! Boys are gross!
[Mitch walks away]
Margaret Lemon: Did you hear that Chris Stanek got divorced?
Lemon: When? Is he dating again?

Jack: Your family is strange.
Liz: Oh Mitch? He was in a skiing accident and he thinks it’s 1985.
Jack: No I get it. I’m talking about your parents. And what did your mother mean when she called you a beautiful genius? Was she taunting you?
Liz: No, they’re just super supportive. They’ve always been like that. Even when I sued the Lower White Haven School District to let girls play football.
[Flashback to Liz playing football]
Liz: Yeah! Feminism!!
[End Flashback]
Liz: We didn’t make the playoffs that year. But I think we led the leave in bravery.

Jack: My god, I’ve never seen such relentless blind encouragement. No wonder you’re a sexually frightened no-it-all.

Mitch: Hey dad! Take my picture, look! I’m the lady from Flash Dance!
Margaret Lemon: That’s a good Flash Dance hunny!
Jack: [to Liz] Good Flash Dance.

Tracy: The holidays without drinking is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife’s sister ain’t as cute as I thought she was and I can’t play the guitar!

Kenneth: I was pretty addicted to Coke back in my Wall Street days.

Colleen: That hotel was a disaster, Jack. The tv had over a 100 channels for gods sakes. I’m only going to be here for three days.
Jack: Fine. Mother, you can stay with me.
Colleen: No. I will not let you do that, are you sure?
Jack: Yes mother, I’m sure.
Colleen: All right then, that’s settled.

Jack: [Pointing at Hurricane coverage] She should have been there.

Margaret Lemon: Knock knock! It’s just the Lemons. We’ve come to drop off a little goodbye present.
Jack: Oh thank you.
Margaret Lemon: Oh my goodness! What a beautiful office. You’re mother must be so proud of you!
Jack: Well…
Dick Lemon: Wow! Look at this carpet. I feel like we should take off our shoes. Should we take off our shoes?
Jack: No no please, sit down and make yourselves comfortable.
Margaret Lemon: Well we don’t want to bother you. We know you must have big plans.
Jack: Well I was going to drive up to Vermont and visit my girlfriend CC.
Margaret Lemon: Oh I love that name!
Dick Lemon: CC. Wow, I bet any girlfriend of yours is a real winner!
Jack: Well she is a congresswoman.
Margaret Lemon: Oh my goodness!
Dick Lemon: Congress!
Jack: And she has her own Lifetime movie.
Dick Lemon: Lifetime!
Margaret Lemon: Wowzers!
Jack: Why don’t we cut the charade and you two tell me what exactly it is you want from me.
[Margaret and Dick laugh]

Jenna: Now Alfonzo, lets find where you should put the key board. [Singing] Open…Open… Humenahumenahumena. Open Pit Barbeque Sauce. [Talks] Yes. This is the sweet spot. Oh, and no chit chat between songs this year. People don’t watch Letterman for Paul Schaffer.

Mitch: What’s up? Do you like Wham!? Cause I’m kind of like the George Michael of my school.
Cerie: Oh. You’re Mitch. Coming to the party tonight?
Mitch: Oh I wish. I’ve got to rest up for my big ski trip tomorrow. Maybe we can get together next week.
Cerie: Definitely. My parents are away next week. You should come over. I’ll be in the hot tub.
Mitch: What? Oh my god!
Frank: That’s a filthy Christmas miracle…

Jack: They were just dropping off my Christmas present. Oh and look at this! It’s got cheese and butter and caramel. All my favorites! How did you know?
Dick Lemon: Jack, why don’t you come with us.
Liz: Come one, you can talk to Mitch about President Regan.
Jack: Oh in his mind Regan is still president. [to Mitch] You lucky bastard!

Tracy: No no, I can’t go because of the ankle bracelet. Or maybe I can go and not drink. Or maybe I’ll compromise. I’ll go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!

Kenneth: Grizz, Dot Com, shut the doors. Some people need to learn about Christmas.

Dick Lemon: Watch out for her, Jack. She’s a natural athlete. Played high school football.
Liz: It was just one game, dad. Although I did kind of change everything forever.

Margaret Lemon: Jack, you lace those up like a professional! Good for you!
Jack: Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn’t it?
Jack: Well it’s only positive reinforcement when they say it to you. In my case, they’re just, stating the facts. I do look the Arrow shirt man. I did lace up my skates professionally. And I did do a fabulous job finishing me muffin.

Liz: You wish you were in my family.
Jack: Don’t be ridiculous. So this Disney Cruise in March, are you in or out.

Jack: They’re very nice people.
Colleen: Oh nice. I’ll show you nice. Let’s all meet down at the soda shop while this country turns into Mexico.
Jack: Now, you see, they don’t say things like that. They’re very polite to each other.
Colleen: I suppose you think they’re more nurturing than I am?
Jack: Mother, there are terrorist cells more nurturing than you are.
Colleen: Be careful. I’ll cry. You give me 10 minutes with the Lemon family, and I’ll them tearing at each other like drag queens at a wig sale.

Kenneth: Thank you reverend Gary, that was both entertaining and educational. Christmas has gone off the rails around here. Look out there. That is not a Christmas tree. That’s a way to lure tourist into the basement to buy 20 dollar salads.

Colleen: It’s so hard to choose. The photos of the food look so good.
Liz: I’m going to have the fried onion tower for two, for one.
Colleen: Good for you! You must be so proud of Liz, making it on her own, so far away from home!
Dick Lemon: That gives us an excuse to visit New York.
Colleen: I see. Any grandchildren? Oh what a shame. Must eat you up inside.
Margaret Lemon: Well, Champy, your spaniel, keeps us pretty busy.
Jack: See mother, not all species eat their young.
Colleen: Let’s change the subject. Politics.
Dick Lemon: We don’t discuss that stuff. Life is too short.
Jack: Really? Life is too short. [to Colleen] Because your life seems endless.

Kenneth: Thank you Reverend Gary. It was to the tune of American Pie, but so much longer!

Frank: It’s about getting drunk and hugging your cousin until your mom says, “Frank enough!”

Tracy: Is this a culture where topless-ness is common?

Guatemalan Kid: Pieces of wood! Just like I prayed for!

Liz: Your mother is killing me. Have I ever kissed a woman!? What is that about?

Liz: Oh! Mitch found a newspaper… Mitch! That’s a joke newspaper!

Dick Lemon: It’s on me. Wouldn’t be a Lemon party without old dick!

Liz: Did you not go to my football game?
Margaret Lemon: We were a little embarrassed, Liz.
Liz: Dad, did you?
Dick Lemon: It’s White Haven Football for God’s sake Elizabeth. It means something. I wore that uniform.
Liz: I was taking a stand for women!
Margaret Lemon: Are you taking a stand now, by not giving us grandkids?
Liz: Oh, you want gradchildren, Margaret? Why don’t you ever bother Mitch about that?
Dick Lemon: Because he’s 17!
Liz: HE’S 40!

Tracy: In order to stay sane, you have to go crazy!

Tracy: This is a flask! So you all probably shouldn’t be listening to me.

Mitch: I could have been drinking these for years!

Liz: Explain to me again how gay marriage is going to tear this nation apart!
Jack: Merry Christmas, Mother.
Colleen: Merry Christmas, Jack.

Ratings: 3.7/6 5.58 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 67th

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