Originally Aired: January 10, 20008
Written by: Robert Carlock & Dan Glover
Directed by: Richard Shepard

Summary: Jack (Alec Baldwin) meets with German TV executives to close a deal on the purchase of the largest cable network in North America. Motivated by Jack’s financial advice, Liz (Tina Fey) decides to invest in real estate, but must appear before a co-op board to lobby for the apartment she loves. Jack and C.C. (Guest star Edie Falco) continue their long distance relationship with rendezvous in various cities. Meanwhile, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) buys a cappuccino machine for the “TGS with Tracy Jordan” staff and stations it on Kenneth’s (Jack McBrayer) desk. Kenneth, who calls hot liquids “the devil’s temperature,” tries coffee for the first time, and is immediately addicted. Special guests include Edie Falco and Gladys Knight. Also stars Jane Krakowski, Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Keith Powell, Katrina Bowden and Maulik Pancholy.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Jonathan: We’re trying to buy the largest cable network in Northern Europe. And if we do do that, it will be huge!
Liz: What about your huge doodoo? [Gives herself a high-five]

CC: I make appointments here in New York.
Jack: And I work around CC’s schedule in Washington.
[Flashback to House of Representatives session]
Jack: There is an 8:00 showing for Fred Clause.

Liz: You were going to help me go over my finances. So, I have a checking account. I am two payments away from owning my bike. Also, I have a star that my aunt named after me, although that was recently downgraded to a gas giant.

Liz: Real-estate? No, that’s something you do when you’re married and have a family.
Jack: Sure, wait for that then your first home will be in the city of floating New Chicago.

Jonathan: Sir, your 11:10 is here.
Jack: CC, I’m terribly sorry, that last meeting took forever.

Tracy: Ok that may have been a dream.

Liz: Look at those floors! I would walk around all inside of that.

Jenna: Are you looking at porn? I know a good site that’s dirty without sacrificing story. It’s by women, for women.

Jenna: You don’t own any property?
Liz: No. Do you?
Jenna: I own my place here, my condo in Clearwater, and I bought some land in the 9^th Ward after Katrina. I’m leasing it back to the government as a prison. Cha-ching!

Liz: I got to get my act together. Even Frank owns that chicken ranch in Nevada. He thought he was buying a whore house.

TV: The machine is mankind’s madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.
Jack: I can’t watch any more of these German sitcoms.

Jack: The president is only going to veto your crazy social programs. The founding fathers never intended for the poor to live into their 40’s.

TV: Are you ready to play Interrogation Bear?!

Jack: Lemon, you speak German right?
Liz: I do. I spent my German year abroad in Frankfurt. I partied so hard over there.
[Flashback to Liz in a museum]
Liz: So many types of sparrows!

Jack: CC and I are trying to meet halfway. Which means balancing work, and love, and life. I honestly don’t know how Kelly Ripa does it.
Liz: Look at us. You and CC are meeting half way. I’m going to see an apartment later.
Jonathan: And the community center is going to stage my play!
Liz & Jack: I have a thing that night.

Kenneth: I don’t drink hot liquids of any kind. That’s the devil’s temperature.

Tracy: Ken, this is New York, the Big Easy. Live a little! Boundaries are made to be tested. That’s why my wife and I stopped using a safe word.
Kenneth: But I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret.
Tracy: Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

Kenneth: [Drinking coffee] Oh my!

Liz: I guess I have to get a loan?
Jenna: Call AJ, but ask Mike.

Liz: I still have to get approved by the Co-op Board. I’m all nervous. I have to dress up and smile and try to get them to like me. It’s going to be like going on a blind date.
Jenna: Oh no. It’s so much better cause an apartment never waits until you get in the shower then steals the necklace your mother gave you.

German Announcer: The Windmere. If you lived here, you’d be home now!

Tracy: Slow down there Ken, coffee is not like alcohol. It’s pretty addictive.

Kenneth: I love how it makes me feel. It’s like my heart is trying to hug my brain.

Kenneth: You know what we never done, Grizz? Fight each other!

Jack: You’re my new night job. And I’m going to love you like my boss is watching.

Jack: Say, what do you think they do for fun around here?
Coal Miner: Smack around nosy out of towners. Also, we have a lovely doll museum.

Liz: Hey, Kenneth. I need to watch these DVDs, but I have a very important meeting.
Kenneth: That’s great.
Liz: Now I’ve heard you speaking German to some of your tours.
Kenneth: Yes sir. If you’re not reading the Bible in German, you’re not getting the vstuch beducktung of it.
Liz: Ok. Well this is very important…
Kenneth: You are!
Liz: …I need you to watch these shows…
Kenneth: Watchy Watchy!!
Liz: …write a summary of each one. It’s for Mr. Donaghy…
Kenneth: Oh Boy!
Liz: …and it has to be done my tomorrow…
Kenneth: Hehe!
Liz: …and I am delegating it to you. Ok?
Kenneth: Your last name is weird!

Jack: I’ll grow a beard, people from my own life would pass through town. They won’t even recognize me. They’ll just say, ‘Thanks, Pap!’ And then they’ll buy some of my cider.

Jack: I’m in love!!!
Coal Miner: God, I wish this town weren’t halfway between DC and New York.

Liz: I don’t know why I lied to you guys about having read that book. I’m just nervous. Arg! Anyway, I didn’t read The Lovely Bones. [laughs nervously] This is empty. So, we have so much in common. Um, we’re all white… Funny story, I was on plane once with Bret Farve’s cousin.
Board Leader: It says here you still have an outstanding student loan?
Liz: Yes! It is outstanding! No. I can explain that. The theater program at my school lost it’s accreditation so I though I didn’t have to pay it anymore.

Liz: I am a great neighbor. Ask anyone in my building. Except Raheem. I turned him in to Homeland Security. By accident.

Jenna: How did the meeting with the co-op Board go?
Liz: Good. Bad. Really bad. But good. They said they were going to let me know. Should I call them?

Jonathan: The Germans are here!
Liz: I am going though something right now!

Jonathan: This deal has to go through. Then Jack will be CEO, and I will be King of the Assistants!

Jonathan: What happened?
Liz: I just bought a German television studio.

Jack: That’s what I call a country breakfast. Although I never been to a place before where they kill the big in front of you.
CC: It’s so quaint. It’s strange we didn’t get any ham.

Jack: I haven’t thought about work once this whole time.
CC: I know it’s weird.
Jack: Good weird or last night weird?

Kenneth: What’s happening? Where are they taking her?
Tracy: We’re getting rid of the machine, Ken. It’s for your own good.
Kenneth: No! Please don’t do that! Come on! I’ll make you feel good!

Kenneth: What happened to me?
Tracy: You rode the brown serpent. But the important thing is your survived, Ken.

Kenneth: I made two promises to my mother before I left for New York. 1) If I found any McKenzies living up here I would kill them. And 2) I wouldn’t let this city change me.

Kenneth: It’s not just the coffee. I also went to a PG-13 movie. I… I bought a pair of sunglasses. I tried a Jewish doughnut. I’ve always been told that New York City was the 21^st century city of Sodom. And look what’s happened. I’ve become one of them. I’ve been sodomized!

10:20
Liz: Hey it’s Liz Lemon, this message is for the Co-op Board, I guess. This is the number you gave me. I hope it’s not fake. Because you accepted my bid and I haven’t heard from you. But I’m doing great. I bought a German television studio today…
10:55
Liz: Does everyone know that you’re a bunch of liars or should I tell them myself because I know a lot of people.
11:14
Liz: You know what? I’m fine, because I know who I am. You. I feel sorry for you, Co-op board.
12:01
Liz: [crying on bathroom floor] I’m going to the hospital! And I hope you’re happy!
12:03
Liz: I’m just, confused. It seems weird to me that you still be advertising the apartment after you accepted my offer.
2:15
Liz: [singing] And I’m here! To remind you…
7:00
Liz: You know what, I’ve moved on. I’ve bought a whole bunch of apartments. I bought a black apartment, so.

Jack: So close. Other way around.
Liz: Blurg!
Jack: Yes. Blurg!
Liz: But it’s a misunderstanding.
Jack: Perfect. I’ll just tell Don Geiss that I let a subordinate with an unaccredited theater degree do a billion dollar handshake deal while my girlfriend and I showered together at a Red Roof Inn.

Jack: I lied to you. All this time I’ve been telling you that we can have it all. Success and happiness. The big office and true love.
Liz: Wait, we can’t?

Jack: Uh, excuse me. Could you turn off the race announcer and put on some Gladys Knight? And what is the champagne situation here? … … Ok, thank you.

CC: When I was with you the other day, I missed the vote on a bill to legalize recreational whale torture. We only have one speed Jack. That’s what I love about us. The drive, the ambition, our belief that sex is a competition.

Jack: Get in that ridiculous electric car of yours and get up here.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I just wanted to thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. It’s been an honor being your friend and learning about the non-reproductive aspects of human sexuality from you.

Tracy: You can’t leave, Ken. Who’s gonna help me tell white people apart.
Dot Com: And what about our tickets to Spam-a-lot?
Grizz: And who will be my wingman in speed dating?
Kenneth: Oh Grizz, I’ll miss you most of all.

Midnight Train to Georgia
Tracy: New York. Mmm. Proved to much for the man.
Grizz and Dot Com: Too much for the man. He couldn’t make it.
Tracy: So he’s leaving the life, he’s come to know. He’s leaving.
Grizz and Dot Com: Leaving.
Tracy: On that Midnight Train to Georgia.
Grizz and Dot Com: Leaving on the Midnight Train…
Tracy: Wow wow.
-Scene-
Board chairman: Liz, this is Charlotte. She’s buying the apartment.
Liz: Congratulations. If you blow out the kitchen wall, you can make a very nice breakfast nook.
-End Scene-
Tracy: Yes he’s leaving.
Jenna: Yes he’s leaving! On that midnight train to Georgia! Mmm, yeah.
-Scene-
CC: [on television] …and you should torture whales. There was a period in time where…
Jack: Want to get drunk.
Liz: No, there’s too many phones in here.
-End Scene-
Jack: My world, her world.
CC: His world our world. Mine and his alone.
Liz: I’ve got to go, I’ve got to go.
Jenna: On that midnight train. All aboard. All aboard.
Kenneth: I missed it.
Jenna, Tracy, Grizz and Dot Com: He missed it?
Kenneth: I missed that Midnight train to Georgia.
J, T, G & DC: He missed that midnight train…
All: Woo Woo!
Kenneth: There was an 11:45 and I was misinformed about the time.
J, T, G & DC: Misinformed about the time. Didn’t even get to stand in line.
Kenneth: Yeah I missed it!
All: He missed the midnight train to Georgia!

Gladys Knight: Hello? I’m trying to take a nap! What’s going on out here?
Tracy: Nothing, Gladys Knight. Sorry. Sorry everyone.

Ratings: 3.8/6 5.98 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: 58th

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