Originally Aired: April 10, 2008
Written by: Tina Fey & Matthew Hubbard
Directed by: Kevin Rodney Sullivan

Summary: (From NBC) SOMEONE CALLS JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN) A `CLASS A MORON’ AND THE NEW YORK POST’S `PAGE SIX’ COLUMN PICKS IT UP, CAUSING JACK AGITA. GUEST STAR ROB HUEBEL (“HUMAN GIANT”) - The TGS staff has been obsessing all season over the new reality hit MILF Island. While watching the riveting finale, pitting Debra vs. Deborah as the final two MILFs, Jack (Baldwin) who is riding high on this programming feat is blindsided by a blind item that ran in the New York Post. The “Page Six” column reveals a staffer referring to Jack as a “Class A Moron” and saying, “That guy can eat my poo.” This isn’t the best timing since Jack is in the running for Chairman and had high hopes that the success of MILF Island would help him seal the deal. In an effort to identify the disloyal employee he forces Jonathan (Maulik Pancholy) to turn up the heat in the writers’ room until one of them breaks. Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander, Lonny Ross, Katrina Bowden and Maulik Pancholy also star. Rob Huebel guest stars as the MILF Island host.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes: MORE QUOTES ARE ON THEIR WAY!

Announcer: Coming up on the season finale of MILF Island: Totally hot mamas, but who will be the final mommy you’d like to… oh you know.

MILF Island Host: 20 MILFs, 50 8^th Grade Boys, no rules. And tonight, one winner!

Liz: Didn’t one of those MILFs die during production?
Lutz: She had too much campaign and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand. It could have happen anywhere.

Kenneth: Ms Lemon, we might have a problem. I went though the paper looking for that article on speed dating you asked about.
Liz: Uhb hib dbn jub be!

Liz: [Reading from Page 6] Donaghy is up for the GE Chairmanship, but one employee has his misgivings adding “That guy can eat my poo.”

MILF Island Host: Prepare for the craziest night of television in your life!

Pete: Oh! A dangler! Liz, I’m gonna get free food! It’s Soyjoy. Who doesn’t love a Soyjoy?

Jack: Lemon, remember this? Deborah and Shauna squaring off at Erection Cove.

Jack: That Deborah is amazing. Have you heard her story? Before she was cast on MILF Island, she was just a struggling actress living in LA.
Liz: Wow, that’s inspiring.

Jonathan: Sir, I have Sumner Redstone on the phone, calling to congratulate you.
Jack: I’ll return.

Jack: I’m waiting for a call Don Geiss. Do you think he’ll call me Jackie Boy? Then I’ll be in Erection Cove.

Jack: When you meet with Deborah, have her do her Indian cab driver impression. She… she really pulls it off.

Jack: Because we’re developing a spinoff and I though you could write it.
Liz: Oh! No! Thanks. I don’t want anything to do with MILF Island. That show is kind of the lowest common denominator.
Jack: The critics said the same thing about Shakespeare.
Liz: Yeah buy Shakespeare never had a Confessional Shower sponsored by Dove Pro-age.

Jack: So you have seen the show. And why shouldn’t you? It has sex, lies, puberty, betrayal, relay races. MILF Island reflects the drama of the human experience, and isn’t that the essence of art?
Liz: I don’t think eating bugs to eating bugs to earn tampons…
Jack: So 9/22 Million viewers.
Liz: …is art.

Liz: What we do is art.
[Flash to sketch]
Tracy: Someone put too many farts into this engine! It’s about to explode!
Jack: Fine, don’t meet with her. I just saw the opportunity for you to make an obscene amount of money.
Liz: Well no thanks, I have integrity.
[Flash to sketch]
Tracy: It’s farting! It’s farting!

Jack: You know if you google the phrase “Class A Moron.” My name pops up first. So move aside Randy Quaid.

Liz: Can you round up those idiots? (Sees staff) Hey buddies.

Josh: Does he think it’s me? Did he mention me?
Liz: No, I think you’re safe, because he forgot that you’re a person.
Josh: Yeah!

MILF Island Host: Zalutha. You’ve kept it tight! Heidi. We no longer want to hit that.
Audience: Awww.
MILF Island Host: Get Off MILF Island!
[Heidi takes off her bikini.]

Frank: We’re the two biggest dirt bags around here. They’re gonna try and blame us.
Lutz: I don’t think people see me that way.
Frank: Yeah They do. You and me. A couple of fat pervert losers.
Lutz: My sister in law did kind of a make over on me…
Frank: No. No.

Kenneth: I was thinking about this item in the newspaper and something doesn’t make sense.
Liz: What do you mean?
Kenneth: Well I know Toofer doesn’t use the word “poo,” so I know it’s not him. And Frank could do it because he was with me all day making fun of my haircut. And also, I saw you do it.
MILF Island Host: The game is about to change!

Tracy: I’m gonna miss the show this week. Jack is sending me to do standup in Dubai. I’m gonna do jokes on airplane food. It’s all new to them.

Liz: You and Jack Donaghy are the cause of my jaw line acne.

Kenneth: …and then you asked him if he was single and he said don’t worry about it…

Frank: Jonathan, did someone turn the heat up.
Jonathan: No idea. Where I’m from, we don’t notice the heat.
Frank: That’s interesting. I didn’t know it was hot in Assholevannia.

Liz: Ugh! You apple-faced goon!

Pete: I can call anyone in the building. Any random number! … Yes! Hornberger!
[Answering Machine]: Hello, you’ve reached Pete Hornberger, TGS. Please leave a message.
Pete: NOOOOOOOOO!

Jack: Lemon, can I share something with you that I’ve never shared with anyone in my life?
Liz: I’d rather you didn’t?

Liz: You were a stutterer?
Jack: Couldn’t get a word out.

Jack: They assumed I was stupid. The Massachusetts Public School system designated me a “Class A Moron.”
Liz: Oh no.

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other class mate was named Gilly. He’d fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They told us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill.

Jack: Of course I overcame the stutter and 3 languages. Onto Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.
Liz: I’m so sorry.
Jack: I feel like I’m back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner… I’m sorry did you want something?
Liz: I just wanted to tell you, that I’ve narrowed it down to Toofer or Frank.

Frank: What the frack? I thought we had a dirt bag alliance?!
Lutz: I’m not a dirt bag! This is from American Eagle!

MILF Island Host: Debra, what was the hardest part of this for you?
Debra: I would have to say the physical challenges. I mean, you’re tired, you’re hungry, you just want to go home. And then you reach inside yourself and you find the strength that you didn’t know you had. I mean, one of my implants exploded, and I didn’t even ask to get off the catapult.

MILF Island Host: Now boys, there are only 2 MILFs left. Debra, and Deborah. But one is going home. And we will find out. After 3 more breaks!

Kenneth: The stress of this is making me awful sleepy.

Jonathan: Sir! There’s a call on 2 I think you’re gonna want to take.
Jack: [answers phone] Mr. Giess I…Oh, Hello Vice President Cheney. [to Jonathan] I’m going to kill you! [to Cheney]: Uh Yes, I hope Deborah wins as well… No, they’re not real unfortunately…

Kenneth: Ms Lemon, you’re eyes look like my uncles after he drinks from the air conditioner.

Kenneth: I thought we were friends!
Liz & Deborah: I didn’t come here to make friends! I came here to be Number 1!
Liz: Ugh…

Tracy: Ms Lemon! I can’t believe they put what you said in the paper!
Liz: Shhh! How do you know about that? This is a Cathy cartoon!
Tracy: Yeah that cartoon copied exactly what you said the other day!
[Flashback]
Liz: Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Ack!

Tracy: If decide to sue them, I know a good lawyer. Took me to the cleaners last year!

Kenneth: The truth will come out. Like my cousin, Seteven, after he went to music college, it will come out!

MILF Island Host: Stay tuned for one shocking twist! Brought to you by Soyjoy! Fortified with Optimism.

Jack: They called me Stammer Head Shark, Lemon.
Liz: What?
Jack: The kids at school. They called me names. Mrs. Stuttersworth, Stutterfingers, Stuttermilk Pancakes. The butter thing opened up a lot of doors for them.

Liz: You know I wore corrective shoes as a kid.
Jack: Really?
Liz: When I was born, I had a malformed extra baby foot extending from my actual foot. They think maybe I ate my twin. But after the surgery to remove it, I walked pigeon toed. So all though grade school I had to wear corrective foot gear that attached to a head gear.
Jack: Gilly chewed through his head gear.

Tracy: Order! Order I say! We must not be rash. We must divorce ourselves from our prejudices, and appeal to our higher reasoning. This is the speaking banana. Everyone will get a chance to speak, and only then will we make our decision. Josh, my friend, you are first.
Josh: Look, I would never do this because I’m loyal to the show!
Tracy: That dude did it!

Tracy: Look at his light eyes! They’re freaky like a wolf!

Liz: Why are you still here?
Tracy: I love it up here. It’s hot. It’s loud. There’s no pizza. It’s like Miami.

Kenneth: I couldn’t lie any more, sir. Because everyone knows the weight of a lie makes your soul so heavy, you cannot rise up to heaven. And you don’t look good in jeans from behind.

Jack: Lemon, do you have anything you want to add?
Liz: You disgust me.

MILF Island Host: Deborah wins! She played the game so well. She manipulated. She lied. She got a pretty bad staff infection. But tonight, Deborah is our winner.

Jack: Deborah’s testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs, and the obese.

Jack: This should be the greatest night in my life, but I can’t enjoy it. I mean it’s just k-k-killing me that somebody would say that about me.
Liz: I’m sure the person who said it probably didn’t mean it. And it was probably Toofer.
Jack: No. They meant it. They think I’m a moron, just like Gilly and everyone else.
Liz: Even Gilly made fun of you.
Jack: You know it’s funny Lemon, I g-guess I’ll b-b-be that c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c
Liz: It was me! I did it! I didn’t mean any of it! I’m sorry I said you can eat my poo!

Liz: I have to write the Deborah show.
Jack: She wants to sing in every episode.

Liz: No onion rings! This place and eat my poo!
Jack: You say that word more than you realize.

Jack: Heel toe. Lemon. Heel toe.

MILF Island Host: Stick around! Next we’ve got Dog Swap!

Ratings: 3.7/6 5.72 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: #52

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