Originally Aired: May 8, 2008
Written by: Tina Fey
Directed by: Don Scardino

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Summary: JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) HEADS TO WASHINGTON, DC WHILE LIZ (TINA FEY) HAS A PREGNANCY SCARE, AND KENNETH (JACK MCBRAYER) APPLIES TO BE A PAGE FOR THE SUMMER OLYMPICS. TRACY (TRACY MORGAN) IS IN THE FINAL STAGES OF HIS NEW INVENTION. MATTHEW BRODERICK, EDIE FALCO AND PAUL SCHEER GUEST STAR — Jack (Baldwin) assumes a new political role in Washington, DC. When the job is not what he expected, Jack partners with another government employee, Cooter (guest star Matthew Broderick), to scheme on how to get fired. For his plan to work Jack must enlist the help of former girlfriend C.C. (guest star Edie Falco). Meanwhile, Liz (Fey) is slowly adjusting to life without Jack as a daily sounding board – especially when she has a pregnancy scare involving Dennis, the “former” Subway Hero (guest star Dean Winters). Kenneth (McBrayer) is preparing his personal essay for an application to be a page at the Summer Olympics in Beijing, but Donny, the head page (guest star Paul Scheer) gets in his way. Finally, Tracy (Morgan) is in the advanced stages of the invention that will be his legacy to his children. Matthew Broderick, Edie Falco, Dean Winters, and Paul Scheer guest star.

Promotional Pictures: Small - High Quality Coming Soon!

Quotes: Quotes will be posted the day after it airs.

Liz: Last week you were at GE and this week you’re… what are you in charge of exactly?
Jack: We’re sharing the load. It’s a little bit of Homeland Security…
Liz: They still have that?
Jack: …Extreme Weather Preparedness and the War on the Poor.
Liz: You mean “War on Poverty?”
Jack: Yeah, ok. Let’s go with that.

Liz: This is all so weird. It’s making me sick to my stomach.
Jack: Lemon, it’s 8:00 in the morning. Are you eating those Mexican cheese curls?
Liz: Hey, don’t knock my Sabor de Soledad. I found a prize in here the other day… I hope.

Jack: Oh, Lemon I have to go. It’s time for my “Freedom Search.”

Tracy: Liz Lemon, do these look like wizard nipples to you?
Liz: I don’t know are the lightning bolts supposed to be going in or out?
Tracy: Exactly! It’s all wrong!

Liz: Oh are these the characters for your porn-video game?
Tracy: The working title is Gorgasm: The Legend of Dongslayer.

Frank: Sorry about the wizard, Tracy. I’ll call the Korean animators.
Tracy: Yeah, you fixulate this!

Tracy: Liz Lemon, do you know what it’s like to be the only one who cares about your job. When everybody else around is goofing off like a bunch of goof-offs?
Liz: [starts to cry] Yes!
Tracy: Uh oh. Emotions. We having your woman times?
Liz: What? No! I just had my woman times last… oh boy.

Liz: Why don’t I cross off the days like people in the movies?!

Cerie: I think you’re supposed to take all of them, like, in a row.
Liz: Thank you Cerie, but I’ve been sexually active since I was 25.

Kenneth: Have you ever wanted to go to the Olympics, Mr. Hornberger?
Pete: I almost went once…
[Flashback]
Coach: Bad news, archers. President Carter has decided to boycott the Moscow games.
[End Flashback]
Pete: Peanut farmer…

Kenneth: Donny!
Donny: Parcell! I thought you’d be coming out of that door… Did you get my memo about the Olympic applications being due two weeks from now?
Kenneth: Saboteur!

Cooter: You must be Jack Donaghy. Cooter Burger, Vice-Chair of Farm Subsidies, acting head of FEMA, temporary acting head of the FPC while the acting head is on trial.
Jack: Wow you’ve head a lot of shake-ups around here, huh?
Cooter: I couldn’t disagree with you more. The administration has been stream-lined. And the media are so obsessed with the current election that they’ve forgotten we’re here. It’s an exciting time!

Jack: I don’t like to think of this president as a lame duck. I like to think of him as a lame eagle.

Jack: The ceiling appears to be leaking.
Cooter: No it’s not. We looked into it and it’s not.

Jack: You don’t have pens?!
Cooter: We’re not in a recession!

Jack: We got to crack the whip around here, Cooter. You don’t have pens. Your roof is leaking.
Cooter: It’s not. I’ll show you the study.

Cooter: Hey we have a meeting with the Appropriations Committee like, now.
Jack: Oh no, I’m not prepared.
Cooter: I know, I’m not drunk either. But we’ll manage.

Liz: Oh! I’m sorry. I don’t know why I even came up here. I mean I know Jack’s not here. Boy I’m going a little crazy! I don’t suppose you want to be my “sounding board?”
[Kathy spits out toy car]
Liz: You’re busy. I’ll come back another time.

Jenna: Warrior, you have defeated the Snake-elf. Now join me in the orgy chamber.
Grizz: The poets will sing of this night.
Tracy: Stop! Stop, it’s not working. Not you Grizz, you’re doing great!
Grizz: I memorized all my lines at home.
Tracy: But Jenna, you’re not doing good acting. Don’t over think it. I don’t need another Judi Dench situation.

Tracy: Let’s just skip ahead to the list of player sexuality options. These avatars need to be able to do anything to each other.
Jenna: Touch my cheek. Touch my chest area.
Tracy: Now give me a little robot.
Jenna: Touch my butt.
Tracy: Now like it’s a secret.
Jenna: Touch me knees. Touch my knee spot!
Tracy: Sexy. Yes. Good.
Jenna: Touch my feet. Touch my feet with your knees.
Tracy: Now that we’re in the zone, I want you to give me some random sex sounds.
Jenna: [Makes sex sounds]
Tracy: Wonderful, wonderful. Let’s take it again from the top. This time, let’s record!

Liz: [leaving message] Hey Jack, it’s Liz. Maybe you’re busy spreading democracy. Anyways, give me a call. Argh! Things are happening!

Cooter: Our first order of business, the city of Portland has requested 9 million dollars to shore up it’s dam system.
Politician: I can’t support it. Dam is a swear word. I’d support it if instead of a dam we called it a “God finger.”

Jack: We need pens!
Woman: Excuse me?!
Jack: Gentlemen, madam, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day.
[Grumbling and debating]
Jack: …but, we have a chance to make this country great again. We need hope! We need change. We need experience. We need pens!

Jenna: Kenneth? Where have you been? I had to put on my jeans by myself!

Kenneth: I’m sorry Ms. Maroney. I’m trying to finish this application for Beijing.
Donny: [jumps out of closet] Did someone say “Donny”?
Kenneth: No.
Jenna: No.
Donny: Oh. It’s pretty muffled in there. You’ll never get that application done in time, Parcell. [Speaking Chinese] You should just give up!
Kenneth: [Speaking Chinese] I will not fail, Chief Errand Boy, Donny Lawson!
Jenna: [Speaking Chinese] I was told there would be no nudity! [English] That’s the only thing I know how to say in Chinese.

Kenneth: The personal essay is way harder than I thought, cause it’s just not in my nature to brag on myself.
Jenna: Not even a back door brag?
Kenneth: What’s a back door brag?
Jenna: It’s sneaking something wonderful about yourself in everyday conversation. Like when I tell people it’s hard for me to watch American Idol cause I have perfect pitch.
Kenneth: Oh. … Ew… It’s hard for me to watch American Idol, because there’s a water bug on my channel changer!

Jenna: [Finds Liz’s pregnancy test] Oh know! Someone’s going to get more attention than me!

Cooter: I haven’t been this energized at work since the two weeks where they tried to teach us Farsi!

Jack: I have to get back to New York, this is my only chance…
Cooter: Resignation denied!
Jack: You can’t deny my resignation.
Cooter: Actually I can. As acting head of the FDC I over see the EWPC and I’m denying your resignation. You’ll stay here and serve your country.
Jack: The head of GE serves his country. He provides jobs, fuels innovation. He brings good things to light! [Removes lampshade to reveal candle.]

Cooter: Hey! The pens are here! USA! USA! USA!

Liz: Hello, friend.
Jenna: Oh my god! You’re pregnant!

Jenna: People always underestimate my instincts because of my good looks.
Liz: This is no time for back door bragging!

Jenna: Why not like this? As my mom used to say; “You never want this to happen.”

Jenna: Floyd. You couldn’t ask for a better guy to make a mistake with.
[Liz looks sheepishly]
Jenna: Oh no. It is Floyd, right?
[Flashback]
Liz: Woo! Those margaritas were strong! Can you come inside. I need a couple of light bulbs changed.
Dennis: Yeah! [looks at camera]

 

Jenna: How could you have slept with Dennis?
Liz: It was before he tried to throw me under the subway train!

Liz: Oh, so you’re the only person in the world who’s allowed to make sex mistakes?  You had a three way with Rosanne and Tom Arnold!
Jenna: That was 2 years ago!

Liz: Well obviously Dennis can’t be involved because he is a Class A moron. So, I’m just going to be a kick ass single mom.  Like Erin Brockovich, or Sarah Connor.

Jenna: Go to the doctor and get a blood test so you know for sure.  And while you’re there, try to get me some Aderol.

Cooter: Look at these resignation letters.  They’re written in catsup, dirty rock, leak water…

Cooter: Now we have pens!  Glorious pen!  Oh my good!  [opens box] They’re caps!  Nothing but caps!
Jack: Cooter!
Cooter: That’s not my name!  My name is James Riley.  Cooter Burger?  What do you think I am, a cartoon dog?
Jack: He gave you two nicknames?
Cooter: Cooter because I look like a turtle.  And burger because he saw me eating a hamburger.  One time!

Dennis: Hello, Elizabeth.
Liz: What are you doing here!
Dennis: I don’t have to explain myself to you.  Look, I told my mom I got a job so I’ve been coming here the last two weeks during the day.

Dennis: I know that message, and I know that tone.  Everyone one of my sisters got that message junior year of high school.  You’re pregnant!

Dennis: Prenatal vitamins?  Yeah, I know what prenatal means.  “Pre,” “before.” “Natal, “ruined.”

Dennis: If it’s a boy, we’re going to name him Morpheus like that guy in the Matrix.  If it’s a girl, ooh yeah, I used to boff this chick named Judy and I’d like to honor her.
Liz: Get out of my apartment!
Dennis: Don’t talk to me like that!  Morpheus here, hears everything that you say.

Dennis: You’re boobs are going to get bigger.

Kenneth: You must have been a pretty monkey…

Jenna: Oh, hello.  I didn’t see you there.  I was just thinking of my friend, Kenneth Parcell and how much he personifies the Olympic Spirit. 

Jenna: He knows the importance of physical fitness.  I mean he can lift almost 100 pounds!

Kenneth: [Speaking Mandrin] Duty before self.  I will not fail you, Rainbow Chicken!

Cooter: In 1994, the Pentagon explored the possibility of a non-lethal chemical weapon that would quote “reduce enemy soldiers’ combat posture, by making them totally gay bones for each other.”
Jack: How gay?
Cooter: It doesn’t say.  The project was abandoned in the planning stages.
Jack: Of course it was.  It would have been expense, impractical, and offensive to the red states and the gayer blue states.

Jack: A guaranteed disaster.  Like eating a burrito before sex.

Jack: Don’t worry; I’ve got a friend in Congress.
Cooter: But not your best friend, right?

Frank: I got an additional Filth Byte credit!
Tracy: You earned it.

CC: You dragged me out of a meeting for this?  I was going to meet Bono.

CC: Alright, I’ll help you get fired.
Cooter: Yes!  I’m on a roll.  No crying in my bath tonight!

[Jack listening to messages]
Liz: Hey, Jack it’s Liz.  Um, maybe you’re busy spreading democracy.  Anyways, give me a call.  Argh!  Things are happening.
*beep*
Liz: Hey, it’s Liz Lemon.  Funny story:  I think I’m pregnant, with Dennis Duffy’s baby.  I thought you’d be super proud.  In away it’s what I wanted… yeah it’s going to be fine.
*beep*
Liz: He knows!  Oh god, call me, Jack.  This is a disaster!  This baby’s going to have a father!  What!  Kenneth just did a flip into the elevator.
*beep*
Liz: Jack, I spent the last hour looking at cribs online.  It’s crazy, even with all this Dennis stuff all I can think about is baby hair and converting my laundry and newspaper pile into a nursery.  I don’t want you to worry about me, cause, I’m happy.  And yes you hear me eating Sabor de Soledad, cause I can eat whatever I want now. *beep* Oh hold on, it’s my doctor. *beep* Never mind.  I am not…um, never mind.

Liz: It was the cheese curls.
Jack: Pardon?
Liz: Causing the false positives on my home pregnancy tests.  Apparently Sabor de Soledad gets is special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen.
Jack: Oh that explains your hair’s thickness and shine.
Liz: I guess in Mexico women use it to stop their periods before Cinco de Mayo.

Jack: You’re going to want to get a very short haircut.  Resist that urge.

Jack: What about artificial insemination?
Liz: No, I can’t go to a sperm bank.  The Duffy men use those like ATMs.

Jack: Lemon, I want to assist you.
Liz: What?
Jack: With an adoption!  Oh good lord, Lemon!  With an adoption!

Liz: How was your day?
Jack: It was good.  The President gave me a nickname; The Jacker.

Jack: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the gay bomb could not be effectively weaponized.

Cooter: I feel weird.
Jack: Let’s do this.

Ratings: _/_ ___ Million Viewers. Weekly Rank:__

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