Originally Aired: October 30, 2008
Written by: Tina Fey
Directed by: Don Scardino

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Summary: LIZ (TINA FEY) TRIES TO KEEP THE “TGS” STAFF FROM RUINING HER CHANCES AT ADOPTION WHEN AN EVALUATOR (GUEST STAR MEGAN MULLALLY) DROPS BY THE JOB. JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) RETURNS FROM D.C. WITH A PLAN OF ACTION TO GO HEAD-TO-HEAD WITH DEVIN BANKS (GUEST STAR WILL ARNETT).
Believing that Liz’s (Fey) work schedule may be too hectic for her to adopt a child, adoption agent Bev (Mullally) decides to make a visit to set. Liz begs her co-workers to try to act “normal” for a chance, but chaos ensues amid an escalating feud between Jenna (Jane Krakowski) and Tracy (Tracy Morgan). Meanwhile, Jack (Baldwin) is back at 30 Rock to reclaim his position from Devin Banks (Arnett), but quickly learns the task won’t be easy when he is given a sizeable demotion. Jack vows to do whatever it takes, even if it means sacrificing his self-respect, to make it back to the top. Also stars Jack McBrayer, Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander and Katrina Bowden. (NBC)

Promotional Pictures: Super High Quality

Quotes:

Jack: Hello pussy cats!
Liz: Really?  A lot of ladies get right in the car after that line?  You creepy piece of… JACK!

Jack: I’m not at liberty to discuss that.  That information is classified.  At least until Cheney dies.  Which is going to be a long time from now.  That man is mostly metal.

Liz: Devon is the worst.  It’s like he doesn’t even care when we should have cake for people whose birthdays are on the weekends.
Jack: The Friday before.  At lunch!

Jack: So what’s with the outfit, Lemon?  Did the people from that make over show finally respond to your letter?

Liz: I got rid of all Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.
Jack: That man can wear a sweater.

Devon: The only thing Kathy and I need assistance with is deciding which John Mayer song to do it to.

Jack:  Oh come on Banks.  You sold of small appliances.  Sheinhardt Wig missed projections from last quarter.  And I hear that that theme park fire, did destroy any of the stuff it was supposed to.

Devon: You know what they say about rumors, Jack?  They make a “ru” out of “mor” and “s.”

Devon: Don’t even think about talking to her when her soaps are on.  Seriously, she will bite you.

Devon: If there’s one thing I learned from you Jack, it’s keep your friends close.  And your enemies so close, that you’re almost kissing.

Jenna: Great news guys.  I just got a residual check from that Japanese commercial I did.
[Comercial for Whizz!]
Jenna: I still don’t know how that advertised Tokyo University.  But I’m going to use this 300 dollars to buy us all some new boots for me.

Tracy: It’s official.  I’m a genius.  My video game is selling though the Riz-noof.
Jenna:  Well, how far though the riz-noof?
Dot Com: Woah that’s not slang.  He has a speech impediment.

Tracy: This check, is the priz-noof.
Dot Com: Now that one was just him being obnoxious.

Jack: I’m the head mailroom guy.  I’ve already been promoted once since this morning.
Liz: That’s pretty fast!
Jack: With a little hard work, I can be back at VP status by the time I’m 60.
Liz: And if my home evaluation goes well, I’ll be a mother by 50.

Bev: What was your reason for wanting to adopt?
Liz: Thank you for that question, Bev.  The world is a troubled place, and with so many children in need of adoption worldwide…
Bev: Infertility? Or other?

Bev: How old are you, Liz?
Liz: 37.
Bev: I should tell you right now it’s important that you don’t lie.

Bev: How often do you entertain gentleman sex guests?
Liz: Oh.  Boy that’s uh…  Once a year, maybe?  But I’d be open to cutting that down.

Bev: You ever run a webcam ring out of here, Liz?  A gentleman tell you what to do, you do it.  At first with some faint hesitation.
Liz: No!  Is that on the form?!

Liz: I was arrested once in Germany for public nudity.  I thought it was a topless beach; it was a shipyard.

Bev: Is that a work call?
Liz: Could be.  Or it could be my annual sex guest.

Jack: Ms. Geiss, I have your Soap Opera Digest.

Liz: There is a woman coming by the office today.
Writers: Oooh.
Liz: No stop it.  Her name is Bev and she’s evaluating me for an adoption.
Writers: Oooh oooh!
Liz: Morons!  I need everyone to be on their best behavior.  No cursing.  Please take down any pornography that you have in your office.
[Pete runs off]
[Girl Writer runs off]

Frank: Oh come on, it’s movie party Thursday.  I brought in my tape of circus accidents.
Liz: No. No.
Frank: Please.  A lion eats a sad clown.
Liz: Tomorrow.

Liz: I told you not to write back to your stalker.
Jenna: Oh no this is not about Yolanda.

Jenna: Those of us who did the voice acting weren’t even compensated.  I mean I do nothing for Yolanda and she sends me those headless dolls.

Liz: Can I hide this box of penis pasta in your dressing room.

Jack: She touched me.
Liz: Who?
Jack: Kathy Geiss.  She touched me in my swimsuit area.

Jack: It made me really uncomfortable.  It’s not at all erotic and fun like when men do it to women.  Have you ever been sexually harassed?
Liz & Jack: Of course not.

Jack: How far will I have to go to get my old job back?  Are we talking over the shirt?  Frontsies?  Backsies?  Or would I really have to give her my gift?

Liz: Is it so wrong that I just want to have one of these to grow up and resent me?
Pete: Aww… you will.

Liz: Did you see that thing in the paper today about how Lil’ Wayne… that’s a person, right?  Lil’ Wayne.

Tracy: Let’s go shopping.  To the Bat-mobile!
Grizz: Don’t worry, he’s just leasing it.

Jack: What I’m saying is, don’t dress for the job you have; dress for the job you want to have.  So now Manny…
Manny: Tomorrow I show up for work dressed as a Mexican wrestler.

Jack: Where are your shoes?
Devon: Oh dammit.  I must have left them in… my business meeting.

Devon: I have a plan to quadruple profits by the year 2015.

Devon: I’m going to shut it down.  I’m going to shut the whole thing down for 2 years.  I mean imagine how badly people will want light bulbs then.

Jack: This is GE!
Devon: It’s just G now, Jack. I sold the E.  To Samsung.  They’re Samesung now.  I was supposed to be at a board meeting 5 hours ago.  Which ways Connecticut?

Kenneth: May I hlp you?

Kenneth: Three of my nine siblings were adopted.  And someday, I’m gonna find them.

Liz: So this is our studio.  It would be a really fun place for a kid to grow up.  Lots of costumes…
[Light crashes]
Crew: AH!!
Crew 2: Watch out! Idiot
Crew 3: Nice job, Jackass!

Liz: We’re like a family here.  Hey Rick!
Fred: I’m Fred.  Rick is the other black guy.
Liz: Happens to everyone, right Bev?
Bev: Yeah, happens all the time to my black husband.

Jenna:  Well I first met Liz in 1993.  She was fresh out of college and I had just broken up with OJ Simpson.  And can I just say something? Total gentleman.

Cerie: Liz is a really mature person and she totally deserves to get custody of her kids.
Bev: It’s not a custody case, Liz is trying to adopt a child.
Cerie: Then who were those kids that you were yelling at the other day.
Liz: Those were some child actors who had lied about being able to break-dance.

Pete: Actually I lived with Liz while I was separated from my wife.  In a platonic way.  But I haven’t lived there a couple months now.  Because I’ve been in an anger management treatment center because I shot one of my co-workers with an arrow.

Frank: I think it’s a circus in the Philippines.  A lion goes nuts and attacks an older clown.  How did we get talking about this?  Did you bring it up?

Jack: I’m doing this for the greater good!
Liz: What are you saying?
Jack: I’m going upstairs to doink Kathy Geiss!

Tracy: Attention everyone!
Liz: Hey…great…
Tracy: I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone involved in making my video game the most profitable thing since the War on Terror.  Yes! I am provocative!

Tracy: Frank, for all your hard work, please accept these solid gold nun chucks.
Frank: I will use these only for good.

Tracy: Petey Pete!  For letting us use the sound booth.  Please accept this chinchilla coat.
Pete: Wow.
Tracy: You’re gonna get so much nice-nice in that, you’re going to have to grow another din…
Liz: Tracy!

Tracy: Me ‘n her go way back like spinal cords and car seats.

Liz: Mr. Banks!  I thought you were in Connecticut today.
Devon:  I blew it off.  Nice to see you, Liz.  Let’s chit chat.  What’s that?  Man trouble?  Boot cut jeans?  Fun!  Bye.

Liz: Kenneth, it is imperative that you keep Mr. Banks down here until I can get to Jack.  Do you know what imperative means?
Kenneth: Tell me! Tell me!

Kenneth: Mr. Banks!  Look how many push ups I can do!

Jack: Cover yourself!

Liz: You smell like strawberries.
Jack: That’s the lip gloss she put on me so I could be her fancy boy.

Jack:  Paid his way though Princeton, working the day shift at that graveyard and the graveyard shift at that Days Inn.

Jack: Thank god I don’t have your biological need for children, Lemon.  That would make success impossible.
Liz: Thanks.

Jack:  This job was all I ever wanted, Lemon.  And now it hinges on how far I’ll go with a woman wearing Dora the Explorer panties that were clearly made for an obese child.

Liz: Are you sure she wants sex?  Maybe she just wants attention.  You know her whole world is stuffed unicorns and soap operas.
Jack: Aren’t soap operas all about sex?
Liz: No way!  The best part of soap operas is when somebody’s twin interrupts a wedding or the pulls a gun in a fitness center.

Jack: Kathy’s texting me now.  She’s wondering where my strawberry mouth is.

Jenna: This is what you’re giving me as a thank you gift?  A coupon for some free hugs?

Jack: Let’s go see the Green Room.
Liz: You mean the nursery!

Liz: Rick, what are you doing?
Fred: Bitch, my name is Fred.

Jack: Kathy is the new CEO of this company.  Bev, you better run!  She’s surprisingly strong!

Liz: How can I have a kid here?  I can’t even keep a grown woman safe in this place.

Bev: Where’s my clicky pen?

Jack: I’m going to give Kathy the full soap opera while you try to trick a lady with a head injury.  We might not be the best people.
Liz: But we’re not the worst!
Liz & Jack: Graduate students are the worst.

Bev: Hi I’m Bev.  Let’s get started!
Liz: Right this way!

Frank: She reminds me of my own mom; tough love, consistency, a little mustache in a certain light.

Cerie: And her other kids really like her.  What?

Bev: I wish there was a box on these forums where I could check off passion.

Bev: I’m Bev.  I’m here to do Liz’s adoption evaluation.
Liz: Argh!  All right.  Take her to the hospital.

Liz: That better be true, or I’ll make you disappear like Vivian and Patch!

Liz: I’m sorry darling.  I’m just paranoid ever since that incident with the wedding machine.

Kathy: Kiss Kiss Kiss!!!

Devon: That’s her signature!

Jack: The semi virtuous path.  You won’t regret it.

Jack: You need something else, Lemon?
Liz: No, I just like seeing you in there.

 

Ratings:  8.66 Million Viewers  Weekly Rank:#41  Demo: 4.1/10 Share: 5.0/8

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