Originally Aired: November 06, 2008
Written by: Robert Carlock
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary:
LIZ (TINA FEY) SPILLS HER SOUL TO GUEST STAR OPRAH WINFREY ON AN AIRPLANE, WHILE TRACY (TRACY MORGAN) AND JENNA (JANE KRAKOWSKI) BUTT HEADS AS THEY TRY TO DETERMINE WHOSE LIFE IS HARDER
Liz (Fey) flies to Chicago to get out of jury duty and on her return flight ends up with an assigned seat next to Oprah. Liz jumps at the opportunity to share a few problems with the talk show host for advice. While Liz is away, Tracy (Morgan) and Jenna’s (Krakowski) feud continues leading to a wacky “social experiment” to prove whose argument is right. Meanwhile, Jack’s (Alec Baldwin) morality is tested by Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) after an Olympics snafu. Also stars Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell and Katrina Bowden.

(NBC)

Promotional Pictures: Super High Quality

Quotes: 

Jonathan: Mr. Donaghy is on another call right now and doesn’t have time for a separate interaction with you.  So everything he says will have to work for both conversations.
Liz: Really?
Jack: Lemon.
Liz: Lemon works for your business call?  I just wanted to let you know that I have to go to Chicago for jury duty, because I never changed my residence to New York.
Jack: Why not?
Liz: Because I wanted to vote in a swing state, Jack.  Also I wanted to stay on the mailing list at Chicago Pizza Explosion.
Jack: Well how fast can you turn it around?
Liz: Who me?  I’ll fly back in the morning.  I never get put in a jury.  I wear my Princess Leia costume and they dismiss me immediately.
Jack: Well that sounds good for both of us.  Thank you very much sir.
Liz: Ah ha! That last part didn’t work both ways.  You said “sir”!
Jack: I think it worked fine.

Jack: What do you take to fly?
Liz: Candy and magazines.
Jack: No pills.  Nobody flies without medication any more.  Why shouldn’t you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?
Liz: Comanapricil?  May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime…
Jack: It’s very good.

Liz: There sure are a lot of weird Olympic events these days.
Jack: Not that weird, Lemon.  Tether ball we faked.
Liz: What? Why would you fake an Olympic event?
Jack: For ratings.  We staged several events so Americans could win more medals.

Jenna: Liz, Tracy is counter-suing me.
Liz: Good morning.
Jenna: For defamation of character.  How can you defame someone who’s been arrested in 3 different Chuck E Cheeses?
[Flashback]
Tracy: Do you know who I am?  Seriously please tell me who I am!

Tracy: Liz Lemon!
Jenna: Yuck.
Tracy: Nemesis.
Jenna: Liz, will you tell Tracy that I don’t even want to speak with him.
Tracy: Ok, two can play at that game.  Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him.

Liz: Ok that’s it.  I’m calling Human Resources and setting up a mediation for you.
Jenna: I told you I don’t drink that much at work.
Tracy: Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution.  I watched “Boston Legal” nine times before I realized it wasn’t a new “Star Trek”.

Jenna: Liz, you have to admit this is unfair.  I got nothing.  Meanwhile Grizz and Dot Com bought a boat.
Dot Com: Cape Hatteras is lovely this time of year.

Jenna: Men think they can get away with anything.  It’s like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Barry at the Oscars.

Liz: No one has it harder in this country today than women.  It turns out we can’t be President.  We can’t be network news anchors.  Madonna’s arms look crazy.
Jenna: Mmhm.

Jack: Tyler, I know you’re upset we didn’t pick you for the gold.  I’m going to make it up to you.  How would you like to host “Deal or No Deal” in the privacy of your own home?
Tyler Brody: I think I’ll hold a press conference instead.  Tell the world there’s no such thing as Olympic Tetherball.  Or Synchronized Running.  Or Octuples Tennis.  It was all a lie.
Jack: A white country that did a lot of good for this country’s moral. Did you know that President Bush’s approval rating was almost as high as 15% following the Olympics?

Kenneth: Gasp!  Olympic Hero Tyler Brody!
Tyler Brody: Olympic Fraud!  There is no such thing as Olympic Tetherball!  They made it all up for the ratings.
Kenneth: What are you saying?!
Jack: Tyler, you could be the voice of Knight Rider the film.
Tyler: I’m listening.

Jeffrey: Ok.  I’m Jeffrey.  I’m a mediator.  And you two are having a dispute.  Now why is that?
Jenna: Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I’m a woman.
Tracy: What?  Please.  We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to black folks.  It’s like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Barry at the Oscars.

Tracy: White people stole Jazz, Rock and Roll, Will Smith, and heart disease!

Jenna: Liz says these days in America it’s harder to be a woman than a black man.
Tracy: Liz Lemon?  That chick is dumb!

Jenna: Tracy, do you know that women are still paid less than men for doing the same job.
Tracy: Do you know it’s still illegal to be black in Arizona?
Jeffrey: Do you know how hard it is to be an overweight trans gender in this country?!

Kenneth: Was any of it real, Mr. Donaghy?  Beer pong?  Jazzercise?  Women’s Soccer?

Kenneth: Tyler Brody was not the only hero I lost today, sir. [walking away] The other hero was you, in case that was not…
Jack: I got it Kenneth.

Tracy: If it wasn’t for you people, I’d still be in Africa, gorgeous, politically stable Africa.

Jenna: It’s even harder being a beautiful woman.  Everyone assumes I don’t try in bed.  It’s discrimination.

Liz: [dressed as Princess Leia] I don’t really think it’s fair for me to be in a jury because I can read thoughts.
Judge: Dismissed.

Liz: Boy Jack, it must be nice to dump your problems on other people.
Jack: It is.

Jack: Do you think Kenneth admires you?
Liz: Sure.  That kid looks up to everybody.  He calls Tracy’s lizard sir.
Jack: So someone would have to be a complete monster to loose his respect.
Liz: Yeah.  I don’t know what we’re talking about.
Jack: We’re talking about nobody.  A hillbilly nobody that doesn’t know anything!

Jenna: This is going to be bigger than when Tyra Banks put on that fat suit!

Liz: [answering phone] Hello?
Liz! It’s Becky!  Your college roommate!
Liz: I’m sorry who?
Tracy: Liz Lemon.  You’re already treating me with more respect.
Liz: Oh god Tracy.
Tracy: Wait until I test this noise out on society.  Minds will be blown!
Liz: No! No society!  Do not go outside.  Do not let Jack Donaghy see you.

Liz: I’m a call you back.  I’s snitting next to Borpo!

Oprah: Do you mind if I close the window shade?
Liz: I’m trying to adopt a baby.  But my job is making it impossible because my work self is suffocating my life me.  I’m Liz Lemon and I lost my virginity at 25.  I saw the show about following fear and it inspired me to wear shorts to work.  It didn’t go great.  Do you know Tracy Jordan? I took a pill earlier.  I didn’t get September issue of O Magazine.  Do you have the number for subscriptions?  [laughs] Why would you!?  I eat emotionally and one time at summer camp I kissed a girl on a dare but then she drowned.  And here comes some more stuff.  I hate my feet and once I had a sex dream about Nate Burkis but halfway though he turned into Dr. Oz.  Has that ever happened to you?  Oh a hug!  This is happening!
Oprah: [to flight attendant] Please stay close.  [to Liz] Could you keep your hands out side your clothes?
Liz: Ok.

Jack: There isn’t always a right answer.  Say you’re on a lifeboat.
Kenneth: You’re on a lifeboat.

Kenneth: I don’t believe in hypothetical situations, Mr. Donaghy.  That’s like lying to your brain.

Jack: Kenneth, you’ve lived a sheltered life.  Virtue never tested is no virtue at all.

Kenneth: There are only two things I love in this world: everybody, and television.

Jack: Kenneth, I’m familiar with the Ten Commandments.
Kenneth: 10!?

Oprah: Here try this.  It’s wonderful.  Salt water taffy from Rhode Island.
Liz: Wow!  Is this one of your favorite things?
Oprah: Oh yes, and I have so many wonderful favorite things this year; sweater capes, calypso music, paisley tops, Chinese checkers, high heeled flip flops that lift up your butt and give you a work out.  And you, Liz Lemon.  Too many women are wearing themselves too thin these days.  And what suffers because of that?
Liz: Your bowl movements.
Oprah: Your personal life.
Liz: Personal life.  Yes.
Oprah:  I want to help you.  What can I do?
Liz: Oh my god. Can you say “Please welcome Liz Lemooooon!”?
Oprah: No.

Toofer: Good grief.
Tracy: Hi strangers.  Please think I’m sexy.  Giggle giggle giggle.
Frank: Tracy, I know it’s you.  And yeah, I do.
Tracy: I’m meeting my girlfriends for lunch.  I hope we can sit outside.  Lipsitck!

Liz: Everything is under control in studio 6H.
Tracy: Good morning.
Liz: NO!

Liz: Why do you have a monster claw?
Tracy: They ran out of white make up cause I insisted they do my buttocks.

Tracy: Jenna and I are doing a social experiment.
Liz: No you’re not.  Wait.  What is Jenna doing?
Jenna: [singing] You gotta ease on down, get on ease on down the road.
Jack: No. Right this minute.  Stop that right now. [to Liz] This is worse than when you wore your shorts to work.

Jenna: We’re trying to prove who has it hardest in America; women or black men.
Jack: I’ll tell you who has it the hardest.  White men.  We make the unpopular difficult decisions.  We land on the moon and Normandy Beach and yet they resent us.
Kenneth:  Well sir, I’m sorry to disagree, but I am also a white man.
Jack: No you are not.  Socio-economically speaking you’re like an inner city Latina.

Liz: Oprah!  Oprah is coming! And she’s gonna fix everything!

Kenneth: You’re gonna have to choke me with my own belt.  I will fight you.  It’s human nature.
Jack: What’s wrong with you?

Liz: Oprah smells like rose water and warm laundry.
Cerie: Did she tell you any of her new favorite things for this year?
Liz: Calypso. Paisley.  Chinese checkers.  And sweater capes?
Cerie: Let’s go to the mall!

Jenna: Did she touch you?

Jack: Well Kenneth, I give up.  I thought pure morality died with Chuck Heston but you proved me wrong.  You are better than all of us.  You are one Latina fantastica.
Kenneth: Hola.
Jack: Kenneth Ellen Parcell, you are my hero.
Kenneth: You don’t mean hero like sandwich do you?
Jack: No Kenneth, not like sandwich.

Tracy: I haven’t seen Oprah since she did that special about worst celebrity dads.

Jenna: What were you on?  That’s a kid.
Liz: That does explain some of the stuff she said.
[Flashback]
Pam/Oprah: I get to fly first class because my mom’s a flight attendant.  I lost my head gear at 6 Flags.  My boyfriend is in the 9^th grade.

Liz: It’s not Oprah.  I thought it was Oprah.  It’s a spunky little tween.

Liz: I think I gave her wine.

Jack: Did you have a good night Kenneth?
Kenneth: Oh yes sir.  Hardly and screaming from the Cornel.  Actually I was thinking…we all try to be perfect but the world….maybe well… what I’m trying to say… There’s a whole channel on the cabel that just tells you what’s on the other channels.
Kenneth: I’m glad I’m not a white man, Mr. Donaghy.

Kenneth: Is Sponge Bob Square Pants supposed to be terrifying?
Jack: You’re darn right he is.

Jenna: Tracy, your emotion is upside down.
Tracy:  That’s the way my world right now.

Jack: It’s ok. It happens to the best of us.  In flight medication is how I met M. Night Shyamalan until it turned out to be
Jonathan: It was the best day in my life!

Pam: So, I’ll see you at my parent’s house for dinner.  My best friend Gale can’t make it because she has some algebra test.
Liz: Oh Gale…

Jack: Good Job, Lemon.
Liz: Good Job Pam really.
Jack: Be a white man, take credit.

Jenna & Tracy: [singing] Lean on me.  When you’re not strong.  And I’ll be your…
Jack: We’re not doing that now.  Stop that.  Do you hear me?

Pam/Oprah: I don’t think I should be drinking this. 
Liz: Oh come on like you never have a drink.
Pam/Oprah: Well I did have some champagne at my cousins wedding once.
Liz: Yeah you did!  To Oprah!
Pam/Oprah: My name is Pam!
Liz: Oh Oprah!

Ratings:   8.07 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank: #42 Demo: 3.9/9  HH: 4.6/7

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3.03 – The One with the Cast of Night Court»