Originally Aired: November 20, 2008
Written by: John Riggi
Directed by: Gail Mancuso

Summary:
LIZ (TINA FEY) MEETS ONE OF JACK’S (ALEC BALDWIN) OLD FRIENDS, ECCENTRIC BUSINESSMAN GAVIN VOLURE (GUEST STAR STEVE MARTIN), WHILE TRACY (TRACY MORGAN) FEARS FOR HIS LIFE.
When Jack (Baldwin) and Liz (Fey) are invited to a dinner party at Gavin Volure’s mansion (guest star Martin), Jack is let in on a secret business opportunity and the eccentric host becomes enamored with Liz. Jack encourages their burgeoning relationship until it is revealed that there is more to Gavin than meets the eye. Meanwhile, Tracy (Morgan) fears his kids are being too nice toward him and may have sinister plans, and Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) entrusts Jack to invest his savings in Gavin’s business venture. Also stars Scott Adsit and Katrina Bowden.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Quotes:

Jack: We’re at a party, Lemon.  Try to loosen up a little.
Liz: How can I loosen up?  I’m in Connecticut, I haven’t eaten, and I’m stressed about an away toilet situation.

Liz: Is this potpourri or chips?  Because I’m going to try and eat it.
Jack: Volure is a god.  He was the first man to be on the cover of “Fortune” and “Jet magazine” at the same time.  Of course that was before when “Jet” was about jet ownership.  That magazine took a weird turn.
Liz: These are not chips.

Gavin Volure: Because of my severe agoraphobia and debilitating wealth.  I’m am forced to bring the world to me and host dinners for interesting people from all walks of life; the world of fashion, society, art collecting and yelling…
John McEnroe: Why isn’t there any good art in here?!  Come on!
Gavin Volure: Business and Historical Fiction.
Liz: Really?
Jack: What if the Germans had won the war, Lemon?
Gavin Volure: And the arts.  I’m glad Jack was able to bring you, Liz.  I asked him about you after I saw your photo in the style section of the New York Times.
Liz: Funny story.  I only wore that because the fire alarm went off when I was getting a hair cut.

Gavin Volure: As always, I kept one chair empty to represent our hopes and dreams.  I’m just kidding, Elliot Spitzer’s hooker couldn’t make it.

Gavin Volure: I want to send my driver into Manhattan go pick up desert.  Anyone know a good place for cupcakes?
John McEnroe: I think there’s a place…
Liz: McEnroe, give me a break.  I’m on it.  77^th and Amsterdam.  68^th and Columbus. 125^th and President Clinton Blvd.  Also, don’t over think it.  Sara Lee.  Frozen.  Unbelievable.

Tracy: Those two have never paid me any attention and rightly so!  I’m a strange man who can’t be taken seriously.  Now they won’t let me out of their sight!
Kenneth: Well, maybe they love me.
Tracy: Nope.  Look what the little one made me.
Kenneth: Aww that’s cute.
Tracy: This is voodoo, Ken!

Kenneth: Sometimes kids act out when there is a big change.  I know I was a handful when my family moved from our farm house to that militia camp in the woods.
Tracy: Well, there is all this new money coming in.  And it’s not just from the video game.  It’s the tie ins, the toys, the life-sized Tracy Jordan sex doll that’s selling like hotcakes in Japan!
Kenneth: Well you know what they say, “Money is the root of all evil.”
Tracy:  I thought that was just the tag line for my movie, “Death Bank”

Jack: I can’t believe you’re out of the game.  That’s like Picasso not painting.  Or Bruce Willis not combining action and rock harmonica.  Don’t you miss it?
Gavin Volure: I do.  That’s why I’m forming a new company.  Here’s the pitch: “Wind Power.  Bandwidth.  Chinese Market.
Jack: Oh god!

Jack: This is the most exciting day of my life.  And I was pulled onstage once to dance at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
Gavin Volure: Welcome aboard. Just think, by this time next year you could run for political office without having to pretend to be a fundamentalist.

Gavin Volure: Because of my agoraphobia related germ issues prevent direct human contact, I wonder if Carl here might say goodnight to you for me?
Carl: I hope to see you again soon.

Pete: I just got a memo saying that every floor in the building has to designate a floor emergency marshal for fires, terrorist attacks, “Cloverfield” monsters.  I can’t do it, because my head is too big for the helmet.  So, any volunteers?
Frank: No.  But you have a big head!
Pete: That’s not a burn; I just said that!

Liz: Cerie, is my phone ringing?
Cerie: It is!  Wow, you have like doggie ears!
Liz: So are you going to… ok.

Liz: I only took that napkin because I wrapped chicken in it!

Liz: This must be what the kids call a “Booty Call”
Gavin Volure: I haven’t been out of the house since 2004 and even I know they don’t call it that any more.

Gavin Volure: I’ll send a helicopter.  To take you to the train station.

Liz: What the what?!

Reporter: Authorities came to believe that he Menendez Brothers acted out of pure greed.  The only thing that sanding between them and tremendous wealth was…
Tracy: What?  Say it!
Reporter: Their father, Jose Menendez.
Tracy: My kids are going to kill me!

Jack: Kenneth, what are you doing?
Kenneth: Oh hello, sir.  I’ve been taking in laundry to make extra money.  I just don’t let myself read the T-Shirts with off color slogans.
[Holds away shirt that says California]
Jack: Laundry, Kenneth?  I know we pay you a living wage; I fought against it.
Kenneth: Yes sir, but I’ve had to send money home lately.  There are problem on the farm.  After years of inbreeding, the pigs are getting violent.  And the pig shield around has worn thin.

Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?
Kenneth: $80,000.
Jack: If you don’t include Confederate money?
Kenneth: $4,000 dollars.

Jack:  After I invest this money, you’d be able to buy your folks a pig moat!
Kenneth: Well that would be great if pigs weren’t excellent swimmers.

Liz: Jack!  Gavin Volure just called and asked me out.  I mean, in.  For the weekend.
Jack: I thought he might.  He asked if we were involved.  I said you used to have a thing for me but you were getting over it.  That is what’s happening, right?
Liz: Yeah.

Liz: I’m still tired from that dinner.  And meeting someone new, ugh, all the nodding and smiling and sibling listing.  And what’s the upside?  It works and you have to have a bunch of sex?
Jack: Lemon, what do you want?  Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?
Liz: No. I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in where you don’t really have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows and go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.

Jack: Gavin is a fabulous guy.  If I were dating a man, he’d be at the top of my list, with Michael Jordan, Denzel Washington, Taye Diggs.  God, do I have a black thing.

Jack: Lemon, you’re going to go to Gavin’s and work this thing like a Chinese gymnast.  You’re going to wear something tight, force a smile, and lie about your age.

Tracy: Guys.  Daddy’s home… Don’t Menendez me.

Gavin Volure: One of these benches is a priceless work of art.  And the other one is an ordinary bench from which to admire it.

Gavin Volure: It does get lonely.  I’d be lying if I told you I’ve never danced with a boom.
Liz: That’s nothing.  Sometimes to feel like I have company during dinner, I dispute credit card charges on speaker phone.

Liz: So, with your agoraphobia, how does this work?
Gavin Volure: Well, it’s not easy.  We can never leave the house.  And we’d probably just sit around all weekend and watch TV.
Liz: Go on.
Gavin Volure: There’s not much else to do up here besides eat and read celebrity gossip on the internet and nap the day away.
Liz: Really?
Gavin Volure: And unfortunately, because of my phobias, we could never be physically intimate.  I know, what woman would want all of that?
Liz: Um! [raises hand]

Kenneth: I’ve got another $10 I’d like to invest.  I did some street performing in my neighborhood this weekend.
Jack: Kenneth, I’m very proud of you.  Next stop: home ownership!  I’m just kidding, the middle class is dying.  You’ll be renting forever.

Walter: That account was closed out.
Jack: What?
Walter: Yeah Zero balance as of this morning.  I don’t know what that hot tip was, but you’d have been better off putting that money in a coffee can.
Kenneth: Hi, Walter.  This is Kenneth Parcell, NBC page program.  What’s the status of my investment.

Liz: I really enjoyed watching MTV Canada with you.
Gavin Volure: They can’t seem to get anything right up there, can they?

Gavin Volure: We don’t have much time Liz!
Liz: What?!
Gavin Volure: Look Liz, I’ve decided I can trust you so I’m going to tell you the truth.  I’m not really an eccentric agoraphobia.  I just tell people that so they won’t know I’m under house arrest for tax fraud.  And arson.
Carl: VOLURE!
Gavin Volure: Oh the wind must have shut, Carl!  I’m searching for the key.  Carl’s a US Marshal.  Come! Before they shoot!
[Runs and gets tackled]
Gavin Volure: I thought Derek was upstairs.  I miss counted the men Liz!  I miss counted the men!

Jack: Gavin, it’s Jack.  Call me immediately.  Also that joke answering machine message makes me really think you’ve picked up so I start talking.  Then I beeps, and I feel like a fool.

Liz: You’re friend is a crook.  He’s under house arrest for tax fraud, embezzlement, and racketeering.  What is racketeering?!
Jack: No one knows, Lemon.
Liz: And he’s not a germaphobe.  I though I was helping him when I let him hold my boob during “Top Chef.”

Jack: I’m going to hit Gavin Volure harder than a bottle of Whiskey at an Irish wake.

Liz: Tracy, get out of the hallway!
Tracy: [walks out of his dressing room] Or am I?!
Liz: Oh god!  This dream again?

Tracy: That’s not me.  That’s the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll.  You can tell us apart because it’s not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.
Jack: Other than the natural inclination to make love to yourself, why did you get this?
Tracy: To use as a decoy.  So my greedy children will murder it and I will be able to escape “Un-Menendez.”
Liz: This is insanity!
Tracy: Or is it?  The parallels between the Jordans and the Menedi are uncanny.  Both families are rich.  Both families have two sons.  And both families are staples of Court TV.
Jack: Money does make people crazy. Look at Gavin.  And he doesn’t have the life long scaring of an absentee father.
Tracy: Exactly! [to Liz] You want one?  I can get you one.

Gavin Volure: SunStream is why I’m trapped here.  It’s not a real company.  If you watch our commercials we never actually say what we did.
[Commercial]
Voice Over: Innovation.  Tomorrow.  America.  SunStream.

Gavin Volure: Hey Glen!  That’s my peanut butter.
Jack: God you’re pathetic.
Gavin Volure: Creamy.  This is not my peanut butter.  Sorry Glen!

Kenneth: What would this country be if the economy didn’t allow wealthy people to take advantage of rubes?
Jack: That’s true.  But what about your family?
Kenneth: Don’t worry about us.  Us Parcells have eaten our fair share of rock soup and squirrel tail, but we have also know lean times.  We’ll get by.

Jack: Pete, doesn’t that responsibility come with a $4000 signing bonus?
Pete. Um…yes.  Oh right, I remember that meeting where you said I’d get a per diem for gas.
Jack: Yes… uh 12 cents per mile.
Pete: YES!  HORNBERGER!
Jack: Hornberger…

Tracy: Stop patricide-ing!  There’s nothing to freak out about.  That’s just a Japanese sex doll in daddy’s bed!

Tracy: Liz Lemon!  Look!  I’m not dead!
Liz: Good to know.
Tracy: Yes it is.  Also, everything worked out with Jenna’s dad visiting.
Liz: What?
Tracy: Oh you weren’t really around for any of that?

Gavin Volure: I can prove it, look! Cheep cholesterol medicine, from Canada.  A Paris Hilton film released only in Canada.
Liz: “Camp of Approval” What does that even mean?

Gavin Volure:  Come with me to Canada.  Toronto is just like New York, but without all the stuff.
Liz: Absolutely not!

Jack: Volure.  I’d thought by now you’d be someplace that US law couldn’t touch you, like Bali or Utah.

Jack: Liz isn’t going anywhere, Volure.
Liz: I already told him that.
Jack: You’ve already done enough damage; taking advantage of her loneliness and her Big Ben sized biological clock.
Liz: Oh come on!

Jack: It’s over Volure.  Give me the brush.
Gavin Volure: You stand back.  I swear I’ll paint you!  I’m not going to real prison!  I’ve lost everything.  I’m financially ruined.  I’ve lost Liz.  That paint is drying weird. And now prison?! Not prison.  Not for Gavin Volure!

Jack: Good god Volure!  That’s got to be 15, 16 feet!

Kenneth: All right everyone.  I’m in charge.  Does anyone want water or saltines?
Tracy: I would feel safer with some saltines.

Jack: Gavin, listen to me.  I know you’ve had some set backs lately.
Gavin Volure: Glen ate all my peanut butter!
Jack: Gavin, I’m not going to lie to you.  You’ll probably be killed in the first 6 months of prison.  But that’s neither here nor there.  The important thing is you’re alive now which mean there’s hope.
Gavin Volure: You know, you’re making a lot of sense.
Jack: Yes you have to pay for the things you’ve done.
Gavin Volure: You’re not making any sense anymore!
Jack: In spite of everything you still have friends who will stand by you.  And more importantly, perhaps most importantly of all…  Now Tracy!
Gavin Volure: What? But you’re down there!
Tracy: Or am I!?
Jack: Good job sex doll

Tracy (Sex doll): You know a lot of people look down on sex dolls.  But as you saw tonight they save lives and bring families together.  How am I such an expert? I’m Tracy Jordan’s sex doll!
Tracy: Alright.  Let’s do this!

Ratings:  7.08 Million Viewers. Weekly Rank:#51 Demo: 3.4/8  HH: 4.2/6

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