Originally Aired: December 11, 2008
Written by: Kay Cannon & Tina Fey
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary:
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT TAKES OVER 30 ROCK AS LIZ (TINA FEY) ATTEMPTS TO FULFILL CHILDREN’S CHRISTMAS WISHES, AND JACK’S (ALEC BALDWIN) PLANS FOR ONE CHRISTMAS AWAY FROM HIS OVERBEARING MOTHER ARE FOILED DUE TO A FREAK ACCIDENT. ELAINE STRITCH GUEST STARS
Only days before Christmas, Liz’s (Fey) parents ditch her to celebrate the holidays at a couples-only retreat, leaving her all alone for the holiday. To fill the void, she participates in a charity program, “Letters to Santa,” to help underprivileged kids have a nice Christmas. Meanwhile, Jack (Baldwin) takes his frustration out on the TGS staff when his plans for a dream holiday vacation away from his overbearing mother, Colleen (guest star Elaine Stritch), are crushed. The TGS crew are forced to give up their plans to produce a last minute Christmas special. Also stars Tracy Morgan, Jane Krakowski, Jack McBrayer, Judah Friedlander and Keith Powell.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Liz: Merry almost Christmas, everybody!  I have some great news.  We are all getting…
Frank: Frozen steaks?!
Pete: iPod Nothings?
Tracy: Colorful sweaters?
Liz: Nope, better.  We are getting to participate in a charity program called Letters to Santa!
Everyone: *Groans*

Frank: Look, we already did our Christmas charity work.  Everyone here chipped into get Sue a bra.
[Sue flashes the writing staff]

Liz: Are you drunk?
Jenna: On the ‘Spirit of Christmas!’  It’s the cheep, high proof brandy I found.  I hope it’s not seasonal…

Kenneth: I’ll take one, Ms. Lemon.  I love helping people less fortunate than me.
Toofer: Where do you find them?
Kenneth: There are some Nigerians on the internet that help me.

Liz: [reading letter] Dear Santa, my name is Chanel Jenkins.  I would like some new shoes so I can walk to school.  My dream is to be a doctor someday…
Tracy: [crying] That kid’s never going to be a doctor.  I better buy her a jet ski.

Liz: [answering phone] Hello?
Jack: I’m free, Lemon!
Liz: Where are you?  I hear sunshine.
Jack: I ducked down to Florida for surprise early Christmas.  I showed up three days early, showered my mom with gifts.  She called them all adequate.  It was a Christmas miracle.

Jack: I’m off to have a real Christmas; fly to Rio, tan in the nude, bet on some monkey wrestling.
Liz: Just like Norman Rockwell always drew it.  Well have a good flight.
Jack: I could fly there without a plane.

Liz: Hey Toofer, can I but a kid FUBU?  Is that a swear word?
Toofer: Ok, while FUBU is not in itself profane, I do think that…
Liz: Thank you!
Jack: She’s fine.  She’s better than fine.  They’re giving her a titanium hip, like the Terminator.  It’s only going to make her more powerful.
Liz: Well are you ok?
Jack: How can I be? She’s here, now, in my home.  Some quack doctor strongly recommended she be around family.  Oh ho ho, and Colleen didn’t miss that one.

Jack: Lemon, one of her suitcases was just wigs!

Liz: Yeah sure, I’ll entertain her.  You know, I was just thinking in the shower this morning.  What if Saint Nick was Nick Cage.  Cause it might go something like this.
Jack: [leaving] Toofer!  Toofer my man…
Liz: [imitating Nicholas Cage] Ho ho ho!  No that sounds more like Joan Rivers.

Jenna: Are you almost done?  We need to get out of here, before somebody recognizes me!

Jenna: Are you really going to wrap all of these presents?
Liz: Of course I’m going to wrap them.  Because that’s what you do on Christmas.  What you don’t do is call your daughter on December 22^nd and tell her that you don’t really feel up to hosting Christmas this year, because she’s 38 and you thought she’d have “her own family” by now, and instead you’re going to a couples only retreat in Arizona, the theme of which is “Sexy at 70.”

Jenna: Liz, you’ve never missed Christmas.
Liz:  I know, but I have a new family, the Glovers!  And I am going to get them all these raping Santas.
[Black Santas don’t rap]
Liz: Well I kind of assumed they’d rap, which is kind of racist on my part.  But still, best Christmas ever!  You’re welcome Glovers!

[Colleen rings bell]
Jack: Mother, what is so urgent that it couldn’t wait until I got back from the front door?
Colleen: I need my other bell.
Jack: We agreed, one by the bed.  And one by the toilet.

Colleen: The real tragedy is that the accident broke of course the Cartier watch that Jackie gave me early this year for Christmas.
Jack: It’s not Cartier.  It’s Shopar.
Colleen: Yes.  Shopar.  Not the Cartier watch, that I wanted!

Jack: I can’t do this.
Liz: I know, it’s stressful.  The holidays are always stressful.
Jack: It’s not just that.
Liz: Well you’re mother’s hurt and you love her.
Jack: Do I?  Do I, Lemon?  I waited 8 minutes.
Liz: What?
Jack: After I hit her, before I called 9-1-1, I sat in my car for 8 minutes.

Colleen: Hey!  What are you two girls whispering about?

Liz: What are you all still doing here?
Frank: Lutz looked it up and if we stay until noon, it counts as a work week.
Tracy: And NBC has to pay for our cabs to the airport.
Liz: Tracy, you made 300 million dollars this year.
Tracy: And I’m not going anywhere for Christmas.

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon, you really out did yourself.  Those are going to be the happiest poor kids since my brother and I went to Neverland Ranch.

Pete: Holy Budah! Who likes Christmas!?

Liz: I got to take this up to 245^th Street and Lawrence Taylor Blvd.
Tracy & Dot Com: No no no no no no no!
Tracy: I will not let you go into that neighborhood alone.  In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo…
Liz: Kwanza.
Tracy: And Shalam-shazam to you too, my sister.  We’ll go with you to uptown.  And remember Dot Com.  You are there to protect me, and not Liz Lemon.

Frank: Guys, we are out of here in 5…
Everyone: 4…3…2…
Jack: [runs in] Exciting news everyone!  We are going to put on a live Christmas Eve Special this year.
Liz: This year as in tomorrow, this year?
Jack: Yes, that’s right.  Sadly it will mean working a lot of hours of the next couple of days.  Being away from our loved
ones.  Our mothers.  But we will be part of giving America the perfect Christmas Eve.  It’s going to be so worth it.  Now, brainstorming session… GO!
Lutz: [crying] I don’t want to do this!

Jenna: Mr. Donaghy, as leader of this group, I have to put my foot down.  Christmas is a sacred time for me and my surrogate family. So if you’re willing to look four 25-year old gay guys in the eyes and tell them that we’re not going to see New Kids on the Block at the Borgata, be my guest.
Jack: You are contractually obligated to participate.
Jenna: Yes sir.  I never liked that group.  Sorry.

Liz: Jack, this isn’t fair.  Don’t take your mommy issues out on us!
Jack:  I’m sorry, Lemon.  I’m just trying to get through Christmas.
Liz: And then what?
Jack: I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine run by the same French company that oversaw Napoleons exile.  She will be treated humanly, but there will be no escape.  Merry Christmas.

Liz: Thank so much for carrying that.  I will buy you guys dinner later!
Grizz: We both have girlfriends.

Liz: Tracy, I am going to need you to take a picture.
Tracy: Thanks a lot.  I never operated a camera before.  I’m serious!  That was very helpful.

Liz: What just happened?
Tracy: What’s the past tense for scam?  Is it scrumped?  Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped!

Jack: We’re giving America the perfect Christmas, Pete.  There are some kids out there that.  I know I didn’t.  Not with Colleen around.  My dad was long gone so every Christmas Colleen would bring her friend Mr. Schwarz over for dinner.  And she’d make me play songs on the piano and she’d sing songs to him.
Pete: My parents divorced when I was nine…
Jack: And every year the dreadful moment arrived where I would catch Mr. Schwarz caressing my mother’s bony thigh.  And I would say “Eyes on the keys, Jackie boy.  Keep your eyes on the keys!” And they’d ask me to play White Christmas and it would turn into some boozy burlesque travesty.  Every time I hear that song, I get aroused.  What is wrong with me?

Liz: I would like to talk to whoever screens the Letters to Santa.
Irene: Then you better talk to that box.

Liz: Can you help me out with her?
Tracy: Oh really?  We’re both black so we must know each other.  Hey I Irene!
Irene: Hey Tracy!
Tracy: Did Vicky hook you up with this job?
Irene: Yeah.
Tracy: Oh girl, you better stop!

Liz: Hey, you don’t know the Postmaster General, do you?
Jack: I do but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp.  I mean, if I want to lick a hippie I’ll just return Joan Baez’s phone calls.

Liz: Are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday?
Jack: I have no choice.  I can’t go home.

Jack: Last night we had…an incident.
[Flashback]
Colleen: Jackie, sweetheart, can you get this heavy wool blanket out from underneath me?  I’m sweating like a grape picker.  Come on put some back into it, Jacklyn.
[Jack yanks the blanket and knocks Colleen to the ground]
Colleen: Ow! My other hip!

Jack: I’ve had enough.  50 years of criticism and feelings of inadequacy.  50 years of ruined Christmases.
Liz: What are you saying?
Jack: I can’t be alone with her.  You see Lemon, my mother is like a virus and my body is trying to get rid of her.  Good god, she can’t know I’m having these thoughts!  She can’t know about the 8 minutes!  If she knew, she’d have me arrested.  She’s done it before! [runs off] Hey those candy canes are for the show!

Kenneth: How’d it go uptown, Ms. Lemon?
Liz: I’ll tell you how it went.  I filed a report with the better business bureau.  I’m not gonna rest until the Letters to Santa program is shut down.
Kenneth: What is wrong with you?  You are being a real scrooge!
Liz: It was just two dudes, Kenneth. They scammed me and now they’re selling that stuff on E-Bay.  There we no kids up there and there were definitely weren’t hugs around here.
Tracy: Well if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host The Price Is Right.

Kenneth: I don’t believe people would do that, Ms. Lemon.  This is a religious holiday.  When has religion caused any trouble?
Liz: Kenneth, you’re naive.
Kenneth: And you’re acting like a real C-Word right now.   That’s right a Cranky Sue!

Liz: Tracy, we’re going uptown!
Tracy: Alright, I’ll call Grizz and Dot Com.  I’m sure they’re not doing anything right now.
[Grizz and Dot Com are putting on ice skates.  Grizz looks at his phone ringing]
Dot Com: No.  Dr. William said “Boundaries.”

Jack: I’m sorry that work has kept me from spending more time with you.
Colleen: What kind of time, Jackie?  8 minutes, maybe?  John Francis Donaghy.  How could you?  How could you? Waiting 8 minutes to call 911?  How could you!?

Colleen: Exhibit A:  You’re cell phone bill. You made a call to 911 at 8:16 AM.  Exhibit B: The watch that my son gave me for Christmas.  Not the one I wanted by the way.  You had just set it before it broke of course when you car rammed into me down in Florida.  And it stopped at 8:08.  Exhibit C: 16-8=8!!

Colleen: Numbers, unlike children, don’t lie.  What kind of son…
Jack: What kind of mother tells her son that John Kennedy died because he talked in church?  Or tells her son when he was voted captain of the diving team, quote “What a great way to meet guys”?

Jack: More snow machines!!!!

Kenneth: Come on Christmas!  Come on Christmas!

Father: What is wrong with you?
Liz: No I did a good thing.  I got a letter…
Father: Yeah the letter that said, “Dear Santa” not “Dear Lonely White Lady!”
Liz: I’m sorry. Can I offer you tickets to a live Christmas Special in the tradition of Andy Williams?

Liz: Ok, you were right.  So…yeah, you were right.
Liz: Do you know your mother is here?
Jack: I don’t care.  I’m trying to make a Christmas Special that makes “It’s A Wonderful Life” look like “Pulp Fiction.”

Jack: Have I told you about my mom’s yuletide boyfriend, Frederick August Otto Schwarz III.
Liz: FAO Swartz?  Like the toy store?
Jack: His family owned some toy stores, yes.  So what?
Liz: Jack, I think your mother put out on Christmas to get you guys presents.

Tracy: Our first guest has sung with everyone from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee.  Cross the piano.  Ladies, and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney!

Tracy: Liz Lemon, I know you’re going to be all alone on Christmas Day.  So if you want, you can spend it with the Jordans.
Liz: I’d love too Tracy.
Tracy: Good, we’ll be over at 2.  My kids have a peanut allergy, but my kids only eat steak.
Liz: Ok.

Colleen: What on earth is wrong with you?
Jack: I love you mother and I don’t want you to die?
Colleen: I’m never going to, Jackie.

Ratings: 7.38 million viewers (4.5/7 Share. 3.8/9 in the demo.)  Weekly Rank: 37th

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