Originally Aired: January 8, 2009
Written by: Ron Weiner
Directed by: Beth McCarthy

Summary:
THE NEW YEAR BRINGS SOMETHING NEW FOR EVERYONE: LIZ LEMON’S (TINA FEY) DESIRE FOR A BABY REACHES A BIZARRE NEW LEVEL; JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN) HAS A NEW LOVE INTEREST AND JENNA (JANE KRAKOWSKI) AUDITIONS FOR A NEW ROLE. SALMA HAYEK, PETER DINKLAGE AND SHERRI SHEPHERD GUEST STAR
Jenna (Krakowski) is concerned that Liz’s (Fey) attraction to a new guy (guest star Peter Dinklage) has to do with her longing to have a child. Jack (Baldwin) is keeping busy as he helps Tracy and wife Angie (guest star Sherri Shepherd) arrange a “post-nup,” and tries to get Jenna an audition for the title role in a Janis Joplin biopic. Plus, he finds time to hit it off with his mother’s nurse, Elisa (guest star Salma Hayek). Also starring Jack McBrayer, Judah Friedlander and Scott Adsit.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Jenna: Liz, did you hear?!
Liz: Yeah, is your brother going to be ok?!
Jenna: Oh no, not that. A new movie about Janis Joplin is going into production.  And Sheinhardt Universal is making it.  I know Jack can get me an audition so I’m going to storm into his office in character.
Liz: [waving at baby] Yay!
Jenna: Oh Liz, I knew you’d be happy for me!
Liz: [baby voice] Somebody’s sleepy!
Jenna: I am sleepy!  But I’m also so excited!

Liz: Hey Max, is this your baby sister?  Oh what a cute little girl.  Or boy, if you grow up and feel that that’s what’s inside you.

Jenna: OMG, Liz.  Look at you and me and our biological clocks.  You’re going baby crazy and I keep getting turned on by car accidents.

Jenna: Where did you get that little shoe?
Liz: It isn’t stealing if it fell on the ground!
Jenna: Liz Lemon…

Jack: So uh, that’s the tour, Elisa.  I think you’ll find being my mother’s nurse a mixed bag.  When she’s in a foul mood, it could be horribly unpleasant, but at other times she’s asleep.

Elisa: You should have seen my grandmother in later years.  Do you know what kind of clothes old Puerto Rican ladies wear around the house?
Jack: No.
Elisa: Me neither because she never wore any.

Colleen: Jack!  Somebody’s got to dry me off!

Jack: Tracy, your friends and I are concerned about you.  We think your spending has gotten out of control.
Tracy: Give me an example.
Jack: Well you bought three hours of network primetime for your salute to Benny Hill.

Tracy: Jack, you don’t get it.  I don’t want to spend so much, I have to!  I’m afraid Angie will divorce me if ever have enough money for her to live off of half.  So before she can get it, I have to spend money on useless things, like gold shoes, and Grizz and Dot Com.
Jack: She’s not going to get half, Tracy.  What does your pre-nup say?
Tracy: I don’t have a pre-nup.  When Angie and I got married, my only assets were a toaster oven and two tickets to a Young MC concert.

Tracy: Don’t help me!  I’m too proud!
Liz: Hey there buddy!
Stewart: Did you just touch my head?
Liz: Well, I had to do something to grab your attention.
Stewart: Ok, you got it.
Liz: Yeah I do.  I like your tie.
Stewart: And I like aggressive women with a nerdy vibe.  How about we grab some coffee and explore this.
Liz: Yeah…

Jenna: [bursting into Jack’s office as Janis Joplin]  Howdy Jack!  It’s me, Janis Joplin!  And I want to audition for my Sheinhardt Universal bio pic so bad that I came here dressed as me…  Well actually I am me… so… I dressed normal.  But my friend, Jenna Maroney, she should be my understudy… I mean she should audition for me.  But I’m me now…actually.
Jack: On going train wreck aside, I love this idea.  It’s great synergy.
Jenna: Yes!
Jack: By putting a TV actress in the movie world we can promote both.  It’s like how we’re including a Heroes DVD with every missile guidance system we sell.

Jenna: I’m so glad I time traveled here from 1969.  Woah!  What is that iron bird?
Jack: They had airplanes in the ‘60’s, Jenna.
Jenna: Oh, right.

Stewart: It’s my fault for wanting to hear all about your job.  It’s just so much more interesting than the UN.
Liz: Oh come on, really?  You’ve got all those different languages and the costumes.  And that big meeting room, it must be like working in the Galactic Senate in Star Wars.
Stewart: They are similar.  We’re also concerned about the growing influence of the Sith Lord.

Jenna: Who was that?
Liz: A guy that I met.
Jenna: Is this part of your mommy thing.
Liz: Only so far as in we met because I touched his head thinking he was a child?

Liz: I like him.  He’s smart.  He’s funny.  He’s got a job.
Jenna: Yay!
Liz: But I’m going to screw this up.  I always find ways to screw this up, and this one was a minefield.  Did I mention that we met because I thought he was a baby? 

Liz: What if I say something stupid, like order a “tall coffee” or talk about my Nintendo Wii.
Jenna: Liz, you like this guy.  You’re a grown woman.  Take a lesson from Janis, and show some self control.
Liz: How far into that biography are you?
Jenna: Not very.  Why?  What happens?

Angie: So let me get this straight, if I sign this, and Tracy decides to run away with that chunky chick from Hairspray.
Jack: Or any female of equivalent thickness.
Angie: …then I get $8,500?

Angie: I’m gonna be with you to the very end.  I’m going to watch you die Tracy Jordan.
Tracy: She’s done it before, Jack.

Tracy: This is happening, Jack.  You can stay or you can leave, but this is going to take awhile.

Jack: You can’t fight synergy, Lemon.  It’s bigger than all of us.

Jack: Nice dress.  Are you going to dinner?  Don’t forget your book.
Liz: I’ll have you know that I’m going to dinner with a man.

Kenneth: So, Stewart, what is it like living under a bridge?
Liz: Kenneth!
Stewart: Hey Liz, I was just telling him about my new apartment in Williamsburg, under the bridge.

Jack: UN?  They still have that?  I could have sworn they turned that building into a Barnes & Noble.
Stewart: Like you guys in corporate America are doing any better.  Have you learned how to say “You want fries with that?” in Chinese?

Jack: How did you and Lemon meet?
Stewart: Liz here just saw me on the street and went for it.
Jack: Lemon did that?
Liz: Yeah.  You know me.  Spend my lunch hour walking up and down 6^th Avenue looking for a hot meal.
Jack: Ok!  Classing Lemon
Liz: Cat sound!

Tracy: There he is.  I owe you Jackie-D.  When I’m on my death bead, Frenching my wife, I will think of you.
Jack: Please don’t.

Jack: No no!  Not again!
Tracy: This is real people!  This is not a drill!
Angie: Tracy!  My back!

Jenna: I just want you all to know, that as I prepare to venture into moviedom, that an actor is only as good as the words… oh my thing is on!  Everyone shut up!  Shut your mouths!
[Turns TV on to Access Hollywood.]
Reporter 1: Breaking news now about a new Janis Joplin bio-pic.
Reporter 2: Julia Roberts has agreed to play the tragic singer in a film directed by Martin Scorsese and written by the best screen writer in the world, who ever that is.
Reporter 1: The announcement is a huge blow to a competing project from Jenna Maroney and Steven Speilberger.  That’s right, Speilberger.  Here’s Maroney on a windy day?

Jack: It’s 7:00.  Why don’t I hear my mother yelling “Go Home!” to the Asian contestant on Jeopardy?
Elisa: Because she’s asleep.
Jack: Really? How did you do that?
Elisa:  She fought me at first, but I find that authoritative rapid Spanish subdues white people.

Elisa: Oh.  Gold shoes.  My nephew just joined the Marines to try to pay for college.  But that’s fun.

Elisa: So what’s your plan?  Get old?  Die alone in a room with your gold shoes?
Jack: That’s what happens to most of us.  At least I’m prepared.  Without getting into specifics my exit involves a McFlurry machine and video tape of risqué commercials from overseas.
Elisa: Well I don’t know what to say about that.  Except that in Puerto Rico, a McFlurry is called a “Senor Flurry.”

Liz: Careful Buddy, it’s hot!
Stewart: Are you trying to pick me up to keep me from touching fire?
Liz: Kiss me!
Stewart: Wait a minute, when you first met me did you think  was a child?
Liz: Yes I did sir.

Stewart: Oh, and I lied about your show; I have seen it.

Jack: The lady will be having the Tasting Menu, but with some substitutions.  Instead of any of it, she’ll be having a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes.

Attendant: Towel?
Jack: I have something on my ball.
Attendant: Mint?

Elisa: Morning!
Jack: Good morning, everyone.

Jack: It’s embarrassing.
Elisa: More embarrassing than your CD collection?   I didn’t know that Michael Buble had that many albums.

Jack: How did you do that?
Elisa: I told you I was a professional.  And you forgot to put on underpants.

Jack: Thank you for telling me what I already know.  You should work for the Huffington Post.

Elisa: Oh please, don’t try to be Senor Mach Solo.  Which is actually what we call a McRib Sandwich.

Jenna: Jack, what are we doing about this Julia Roberts movie?  Aren’t people over her?  I mean come on!

Jack: Jenna, you’re a single like me.  Do you think we need some mythical soul mate to hold our hand though life?
Jenna: Why?  Do you want to get married?  I’ll do it!
Jack: What?
Jenna: Huh?

Jenna: Do we at least have the music rights?
Jack: Yes and no, Jenna.  Yes I’m talking.  No we do not have the music rights.

Stewart: Socially inept and baby crazy, I feel like I’m in a beer commercial.

Liz: Ok here’s a thought.  Did you see the Sex and the City movie?
Stewart: Once again, Liz, I am an adult man.

Stewart: Take care Liz Lemon.
Liz: You too.  Oh, and can you transfer me to the Italian ambassadors office, [Italian accent] because I like to make the prank phone call.
Stewart: Please hold.

Jack: I wasn’t sure what you were serving so I bought a ’65 Mouet and some Pizza Blasted Pringles.

Jack: I’m sorry if I was rude the other day.
Elisa: You were not being rude, you were just being stupid.

Jack: All of these people are you family?  Why are they smiling so much?  Who’s being ostracized?

Tracy: Wow.  Now you have what me and Angie have, minus the hypertension.

Tracy: The test was positive.  No no no I mean positive like it’s good.  The results were negative.  Oh I see your confusion!  That is funny! Ahahahaha!

Kenneth: Thank you, that was the rap song, “Top That” form the movie “Teen Witch.”  Once again, I apologize that our regular warm up comic ODed at a gay man’s apartment this morning.

Jack: Can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, Janet Jopler!
Liz: Who?
Jack: Until we get the life rights we have to protect ourselves.
Jenna: [singing] I’d like you to come up, come up, come up and take it!  Take another little chunk of my lung now mister.
Jack: Also we didn’t get the song I wrote this myself 5 minutes ago.
Jenna: [Singing] You know you bought it if life makes you sweet food!
Liz: Now this I like.

Stewart: Shut it down!

Jenna: [singing] Chunk of my lung!  Chunk of my lung!  And take it!  Take a big old chunk of my lung now baby!  Take it!  Take a big old chunk of my lung!  Chunk of my lung!  Chunk You know you bought it if you buy it with things!

Ratings: 5.24 million viewers (3.4/5 Share. 3.2/5 in the demo.)   Weekly Rank: #63

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