Originally Aired: January 15, 2009
Written by: John Pollack
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary:
LIZ LEMON (TINA FEY) FIGHTS FOR THE STAFF’S RIGHT TO FLU SHOTS WHILE JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN) LOOKS FOR CREATIVE WAYS TO SPEND TIME WITH ELISA (GUEST STAR SALMA HAYEK). CHRIS PARNELL GUEST STARS
Liz (Fey) tries desperately not to catch the flu, but it’s spreading amongst the “TGS” cast and crew quickly; and Jack (Baldwin) is being selective over who receives vaccinations from Dr. Spaceman (guest star Chris Parnell). One is offered to Liz, but she refuses to take it, championing for the rights of the crew. Meanwhile, Elisa (guest star Hayek) is working seven days a week, so Jack must be creative about finding ways to spend time with her. Also stars Tracy Morgan, Jane Krakowski, Jack McBrayer, Katrina Bowden and Scott Adsit.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Quotes:

Liz: Hey guys, 4 days until vacation week.  Where are we all going?
Crew #1: No where, we don’t get next week off.
Crew #2: We got to load out the sets, take them to storage.  And at night I have to drive around Newark looking for my runaway daughter.

Kenneth: What happened to your hand?
Liz: Oh I was trying out my spray tan for my trip to St. Bartleby’s next week.
Kenneth: Oh Ms. Lemon, how can you do that to your beautiful hands.  With your flat manly milking thumbs and your long graceful knuckle hair…
Liz: Thank you, Kenneth.

Liz: I’m not getting sick before my trip.  The place I go to has private beaches, soft served ice cream machines, and after the French custom, people wear dark socks to the beach.

Liz: Look, I even brought a new swim suit.
Cerie: What is that?
Liz: It’s called a tank-quart, Cerie.  You might have seen it in Us Weekly, worn by Dame Judi Dench…’s mother.

Kenneth: I never get sick.  I have the constitution of an ox.  [Throws up] Oh no!  I must have Ox Fever!  When did I walk barefoot near an ox?

Cerie: Did you get that… swim thing for your vacation?  You know it was cancelled right?
Liz: No!  What?  What are you talking about?
Cerie:  The hotel was overbooked, I texted you?
Liz: What? No you didn’t.
Cerie: Oh, I forgot to hit send.  Just hold on a second [sends text]… there you go.

Jack: Have you had sushi?
Elisa: I once had a very undercooked fish sandwich at a parade.
Jack: I guess that counts.

Elisa: I have another patient on my off days.  He’s a sweet old man with advanced dementia; totally out disconnected from reality.
Jack: That reminds me, I owe Lou Dobbs a call.

Elisa: Colleen doesn’t seem to like that we’re together.
Jack: I hope you know she acts like that because she hates every woman I like.  It’s not because you’re a…  I’m sorry, what do you call yourself?
Elisa: A Puerto Rican.
Jack: No, I know you can say that, but what do I call you?
Elisa: A Puerto Rican.
Jack: Wow.  That does not sound right.

Liz: Kenneth, why are you still here?
Kenneth: Don’t worry about me; I’m A-Oh-Boy!
Liz: I should be going to the Caribbean, instead I’m stuck here with you and a bunch of guys named Sully.
Kenneth: Uh, Ms. Lemon.
Liz: Sully!  Brett Favre, right?

Dr. Spaceman: Jack, I need to ask you to drop your pants.  [Dr. Spaceman gives him a shot on the arm].  That’s it.  Have a sucker.

Jack: Leo’s giving out flu shots.
Dr. Spaceman: Not my favorite part of medical profession.  My favorite part is attending executions.

Jack: Can I ask you a question, as a woman?
Dr. Spaceman: You may, Jack.  Are you going to alter your voice or dress up in any way?
Jack: Liz…
Dr. Spaceman: Sorry.
Jack: I don’t know what to do about Elisa.  She works all the time.  You know she’s second generation Puerto Rican.
Liz: Jack, you can’t call her that!
Jack: That’s what I thought.

Jack: Yes Lemon, important people get better health care.  They also get better restaurant reservations, bigger seats in planes…
Dr. Spaceman: A more refined class of prostitute.  For me, it’s really about the companionship.

Jack: Like it or not, you’re one of us now, one of the elite.
Liz: No, I’m not.  I’m from White Haven, PA.  My grandfather dug out the White Haven Quarry and my other grandfather filled it back in with the sludge from the eraser factory.

Dr. Spaceman: When is modern science going to find a cure for a woman’s mouth?

Jack: I bought some dinner and Monopoly.  We can have a fun, low-key night, unless I loose.
Jack: Who’s going to tell them?  Him? Hey, it’s me, Matlock.  I’m going to need your help.

Elisa: Ok, you can stay.  But it’s not going to be all fun and games.  Mr. Templeton’s foot is still healing.
Jack: Of course, you do your job [sees foot] what is wrong with it?  Is that a beak?

Tracy: Yes!
Jenna: No!
Tracy: Yes!
Jenna: Liz, Tracy says Kauai is more beautiful than Maui, and keeps shouting when try to give my opinion.  Which is that…
Tracy: LALALALALALALALA!

Liz: Oh my god, Jack gave you two flu shots?
Tracy: They said it was a flu shot.  But I know it was really a truth serum.
Liz: It’s not a truth serum.
Tracy: Then why am I telling you that you look like Tootsie today?

Kenneth: It would be an honor to die at my post and be given the traditional burial of a Parcell man; wrapped in a Confederate flag, fried, and fed to dogs.

Liz: Two tiered health care is a crime.  You know in Cuba everyone gets equal health care.
Jack: What a surprise, you’ve seen the Michael Moore movie.
Liz: Think again, Jack.  I saw the trailer when I went to Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Liz: This makes me want to Shoop!

Jenna: Tracy and I want to do something for the crew.  You know, to thank them for being sick.
Tracy: We didn’t know what to get them.  But then I had a brain storm.  It was a bad one.  Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.
Jenna: But, after he stabilized, we decided we’d get them all hot soup.
Tracy: So, go do that.

Kenneth: Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.
Jenna: I don’t understand.

Kenneth: Well, I’m saying you could get your wallet…
Tracy: My what?
Kenneth: …and go downstairs to the basement…
Tracy: No!
Kenneth: …then you go to the soup place and bring the soup back up here…
Tracy: With what?  My arms?!
Kenneth: …Make sure to take your IDs with you.
Tracy: That would be the worst part!

Jenna: We have to do this. Without the crew, we’d just be two amazing people succeeding in a vacuum.  Come on, do it for them.
Tracy: Yeah, for the crew, because it’s their birthday!

Elisa: I would love to go out, get all dressed up, and tip maitre ds and be all like, “Thank you Rodger.  This table was super doper.”  I live in the Big Apple but I spend all my time with a big vegetable.  Why can’t I have fun like an upper middle class person?

Singer: Live’s like a banquet, give it a try.  Candle light caviar, you and I and Templeton.  Mr. Templeton.  Why should he stay at home?  Just get his medication.  He’ll go with us.  See a show with us.  Plan such a simple when Templeton don’t go away.

Crew: In order to thank you, we got you a meat plate.
Liz: Thanks guys.  I am really going to eat this.

[Liz gets message: “UR V8K8SH1 iz baqon.”]
Liz: Hey Cerie, what is this text you sent me supposed to mean?
Cerie: Your vacation is back on.
Liz: How is that any easier than…? Wait, my vacation is back on?
Cerie: Yeah since this flu there’s been a bunch of cancellations.  I’m so happy the number 4, the letter U!

Liz: Stay away sick Lutz!

Dr. Spaceman: If you want a shot, you’re going to have to dance for it.  [Liz dances] Very nice.

Liz: I’m such a hypocrite.  You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone I’m getting this shot.
Dr. Spaceman: Liz, I believe doctor-patient confidentiality is a two way street.  I’m cheating on my wife.

Tracy: We were out shopping together.  We had fun though.
[Shopping montage begins]
Liz: Yeah, I get it.  You went shopping.  I don’t need the montage.
Tracy: I tried on a lot of outfits.
Jenna: And some of them I was like “No.” But some of them, I was like “Yeah!”

Liz: Is there anything you two do that doesn’t make my life harder?

Tracy: I want to thank you for controlling yourself sexually, while we spent time together on this adventure.

Liz: You took the old man with you?
Jack: I admit it’s an ethical gray area.
Liz: No, it’s just wrong.

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon, what is that?  Did you get the shot?
Liz: No no no.  This is a dream.  You’re having a fever dream.  You’re speaking French and I’m your mother.

Elisa: What are we doing tonight?
Jack: It’s a surprise.  But he’s going to need a helmet.

Elisa: I can’t go back to back to working the late shift at Dunkin’ Donuts.  The customers are so sad.
[Flashback]
Elisa: Can I help you?
Liz: Yes, what time do you start throwing out donuts?

Elisa: He’s stable, but vegetative.  Totally unaware of his surroundings.
Mr. Templeton: A man comes at night.  He comes to he house and takes me.
Elisa: Ok, that’s surprising.
Mr. Templeton: He wears a suit, he made me watch a giraffe with the legs of a man.
Michael: Dad, it’s me, Michael.
Mr. Templeton: He gave money to a silver man!  He ate a plate of fire!
Michael: Dad, there’s no man.
Mr. Templeton: He was in prison, but now he owns a railroad!

Jenna: Tracy, I got it!
Tracy: Give it to me!  It’s mine!
Jenna: No I know what to get the crew.  They don’t need soup, they need medicine.  And what’s the best medicine?
Tracy: Medicine?
Jenna: Laughter.  Do you see where I’m going with this?
Tracy: No!

Liz: No guys listen, you don’t understand.  This vacation…
Crew: You sold us out for a vacation?
Liz: Not just any vacation, this one has beach socks, and ice cream, and sandwich turtles!

Liz: I kind of peters out after that.  I just suck pie off of my sweatshirt for the next half hour.

Jack: Did that come out of you or me?

Liz: Both ends both ends!  I’m not gonna make it!

Ratings: 6.63 million viewers (4.0/6 Share. 3.2/8 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #37

«3.07 – Senor Macho Solo

3.09 – Retreat to Move Forward»