Originally Aired: January 22, 2009
Written by: Tami Sagher
Directed by: Steve Buscemi

Summary:
JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN) ROPES LIZ LEMON (TINA FEY) INTO ACCOMPANYING HIM ON A BUSINESS RETREAT, WHILE JENNA MARONEY (JANE KRAKOWSKI) DECIDES TO TAKE A METHOD APPROACH TO BECOMING JANIS JOPLIN
Jack (Baldwin) is nervous about the corporate retreat, so he recruits Liz (Fey) to accompany him for support. Meanwhile, Jenna (Krakowski) ends up at the mercy of Frank (Judah Friedlander) when she decides she needs to implore method acting to prepare for her Janis Joplin role, and Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) must convince Tracy (Tracy Morgan) that diabetes is affected by his diet. Also starring Katrina Bowden and Keith Powell. Chris Parnell guest stars.

Promotional Pictures: Here

Quotes:

Jack: Lemon, which of these two pictures do you like best?
Liz: … The one on the left?
Jack: So the whacky one?
Liz: Sure.

Liz: Is that like a corporate retreat?  I used to have perform at those all the time back when Jenna and I were in that improve troupe.
[Flashback]
Host: The audience suggestion is “Sling Blade and Oprah on a date.”
Liz: [as Sling Blade] I sure do like dem French fired potaters!
Jenna: No you don’t Oprah!
[Back to Present]
Liz: Jenna is not a great improviser.

Jack: I haven’t seen a lot of these people since the CEO debacle and my time in the Bush Administration.
Liz: Yeah Jack, you never really told me what happened in Washington.
[Flashback]
Jack: Please be gentle!

Jack: The point is, a lot has happened to me since the retreat last year, so I hope that when I return they still think of me as the same guy.
Liz: You’ve got camp jitters!
Jack: What?
Liz: You haven’t seen your business camp friends in a year and now you’re afraid everyone’s going to think you got weird.

Liz: Don’t make me be your camp friend.  I hate those corporate things; a bunch of drunk people talking about Synergy.
Jack: First of all, never bad mouth Synergy.  And I’m asking you to do this as a favor.
Liz: Ugh! Fine, I’ll go for you, as long as this place has a spa…
Jack: They do.
Liz: …where you are allowed to eat in the sauna.  Because at some places they get mad.

Jenna: Writers we need to gather for an actor announcement.  As you probably know, I have been cast in an upcoming feature film.
Frank: Is it a movie where you swap brains with your granddaughter?
Jenna: No Frank.  I will be playing Janis Jopin.  Or depending on how some legal matters pan out, a Janis Jopin type character named Janet Jopler or Jannie Jimplin.

Jenna: If anyone to say to me, Jenna, now would be your last chance.
Frank: Oh, your hands are weird.
Toofer: I don’t think you went to high school.
Cerie: I’m not busy Friday, I just said I was.
Jenna: Ok I am Janis now!  You guys are saying those things to Janis Joplin.  The veil is drawn.

Frank: Oh hey, you should do your Janis research on Wikipedia.  It’s online so anyone could update it.  You know, cause people are finding out new things about Janis Joplin every day.
Jenna: Really?  Oh thank you Frank!  [Imitating Janis] I’m going to check that out!

Frank: Ok, I’m on Wikipedia.  Edit page.  Did you know that Janis Joplin speed walked everywhere and was afraid of toilets?
Toofer: I had heard that, yes.
Cerie: Was she really?

Tracy: So how am I looking, Dr. Spaceman?
Dr. Spaceman: Well Tracy, I don’t know how to say this.  Di-A-Buh-tees?
Tracy: Diabetes?
Dr. Spaceman: That’s it!  Well now we know what we’re dealing with!

Tracy: So how bad is diabetes really?
Dr. Spaceman: Quite serious.  If left untreated you could loose a foot?
Tracy: Could I replace it with a wheel like Rosie from the Jetsons?
Dr. Spaceman: I suppose.  But then you’d have to register as a motor vehicle.

Jack: Oh buddy, here we go.  Bases loaded.  Bottom of the ninth.  Are you going to step up?  Oh yeah.  Because it’s winning time, you magnificent son of a bitch!  You go in there and show them.  Make mommy proud of her big boy because he’s the best!  Just do it!  Is it in you?!  I’m lovin’ it!
Liz: Are you ok?
Jack: I’m sorry, I was just…
Liz: Were you psyching yourself up in the mirror?  I do that sometimes before I go to a party where I don’t know a lot of people.
[Flashback]
Liz: Stop sweating you idiot!  What is wrong with you?  YOU STUPID BITCH!

Jack: There they are.  The Six Sigmas themselves.
Liz: They’re dudes?
Jack: Each of them embodies a pillar of the Six Sigma business philosophy: Teamwork, Insight, Brutality, Male Enhancement, Hand Shakefullness, and Play Hard.

Jack: Men, if I knew your wives were alone, I would have stayed in New York.

Liz: Hi, I’m Liz.
Brachant:  Hi, I’m Brachant.  This is Joan.  We’re M7s, what level are you?
Liz: Oh no I’m just here with my fiend… or I was.
Joan: So you’re like a G?  Or an H?
Liz: Oh no I’m not part of this.  I’m not any letter.
Brachant: J?

Kenneth: Morning Mr. Jordan!  What’s that on your foot?
Tracy: A practice wheel for when I loose my foot to diabetes.

Kenneth: You can’t eat candy if you have diabetes!
Tracy: There’s no link between diabetes and diet.  That’s a white myth, Ken.  Like Larry Bird or Colorado!
Kenneth: It’s not a myth!  Gentlemen back me up here.
Dot Com: I don’t know, my dad had diabetes and he ate whatever he wanted until he died on the day I was born.
Kenneth: How you do you not see the connection?

Toofer: You know there’s a conspiracy theory that after the Civil War, the US government spread false information about diabetes…
Tracy: Word.
Toofer: …to keep the newly freed slaves sluggish and docile…

Tracy: And I heard that from Yusef Jackson.
Toofer: …which is why to this date most African Americans don’t understand that diabetes is caused by sleeping on your back.
Kenneth: I don’t think that’s right.

Tracy: Diabetes and diet.  Next you’ll be telling me that leasing a sports car is a bad investment!

Jenna: [As Janis] Hey nice suit squares-ville, where’s the bank.
Kenneth: Oh hi Ms. Jimplin?
Jenna: Well according to my Wikipedia page, I’m going to need some cherry juice, buttermilk and tequila to make my signature Janis Joplin cocktail, the FrankSchlong.

Liz: What is this?
Jack: It’s L.U.N.C.H.  Lego Utilization for Negating Crisis Hierarchies.

Jack: Why don’t you join Team Donaghy?  We’ll win this thing then go to C.L.A.S.S.
Liz: I don’t want to a class.
Jack: No Lemon, C.L.A.S.S. it’s an acronym for Consuming Lunch and Simple Socializing.
Liz: Now that just seems intentionally confusing.

Tracy: K, what’s up with this disgusting stuff?
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I’ve seen to many folks back home die of diabetes and Go-Kart accidents to sit idly by while you destroy your health.  You need to eat better.
Tracy: N-O-E!  No. E.

Kenneth: Ok, Mr. Jordan.  Whatever you like…  I hope you don’t get eaten by the Hill Witch.  Hmmm, what’s that?
Tracy: I didn’t say anything.
Kenneth: Oh you want to hear tell about the Hill Witch. My Nema, saw her once taking away a boy who wouldn’t eat his vegetables.  She’s a shriveled crone, 1000 years old.  One look turns you to stone.  Then she gorges on your living brain.
Tracy: Through the stone?

Toofer: Frank, you have to check out Maroney.  You’re Wikipedia prank is inspired.
Jenna: Ok, Janet do this.  You can do it.  I’m going to do it!  I’m going to eat this cat!
Frank: Jenna don’t!  That’s from Alf!  Alf ate cats!

Jenna: This is my chance to win the Oscar.  The Academy loves dead singers and the handicapped and Janis was both.
Frank: No she wasn’t.  Her legs bent the right way.
Jenna: What?!  I speed walked home on these!

Liz: Don’t stop talking Jack, always be talking!  Hands in pockets Joan!  Brocahnt, your job is to watch Joan!  Say something Haircut!

Liz: Sorry, I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis.  Robot penis!

Jenna: Wait, I’m sorry, you don’t want people to know about us?
Frank: Oh god, no!  I mean, so embarrassing.
Jenna: Yeah for me.  You should want to brag about it.
Frank: Don’t worry that.  Last night was stupid.  Stupid Frank!
Jenna: No! Last night was the best thing that ever happened to you.  It was my mistake not yours.  I’m the one who had to take the Silkwood shower this morning.
Frank: Fine whatever.  But you’ll be cool about this?
Jenna: You, the one, who cool should be!  What the hell was that?

Liz: First of all, there’s an omelet bar downstairs, so you should probably go get yourself an omelet.  Oh you have sitting room?  You jag!

Liz: I get it, you brought me here in case you needed me.   But now that you have your cool Six Sigma friends I can go back to the lake with the fat kids and make bracelets.
Jack: Lemon, you know how important this is to me.  I’ve got my speech tonight…
Liz: No I get boundaries.  I’m sorry Liz, my parents basement only has room for 5 sleeping bags.  Or no, I’ll come over after prom and we’ll make nachos together.

Jack: This is part of our problem, I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.

Jack: Like a waitress! 

Tracy: I’m fine, Ken.  I have so much energy, my hand keeps dancing.

Jenna: It’s disgusting right?  I slutted it up on this dirt bag!
Lutz: That is disgusting.
Jenna: Thank you, Lutz.

Frank: Jenna, this is a mistake.
Jenna: No, last night was a mistake.  This is a victory for hot women everywhere.

Hair Dresser: So I heard about you and Frank.
Jenna: I know its hard to believe.  Now Dog the Bounty Hunter’s the second grossest guy I’ve been with.
Hair Dresser: You shouldn’t have done that with Frank, Jenna. Because he’s mine!
Jenna: Wait, what are you doing? Ow!  Why is my scalp burning more than usual!

Yudebia: Who is with my Frank?!
Frank: Katie, Yudebia.  Please, let me explain.

Jenna: Look at me!  I’m a monster!
Tracy: Ahh!  Cover your brain!

Liz: He doesn’t know his microphone is on!   We have to tell him!
Joan: Why would we?
Brachant: When a big one falls, four little ones move up.

Jack: You are Jack Donaghy; Titan. Maverick. Lover.

Liz: What’s up Six Simga?!  It’s Liz Lemon from the entertainment division.  I just fooled you all with my Jack Donaghy impression where I say crazy things that he would never say.  So let’s maximize our fun quadrant tonight.  Shout out any other impression you want to hear and I’ll do it.  I dare you.
Exec: Do Jack Donaghy again!
Liz: No!
Execs: How about Cher?  Al Pacino!
Liz: I believe I heard Sling Blade. “Mmm I love dem French fried potaters!”
Exec: Get off!
Liz: What’s that?  Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days?  “Oh Howard, Oh Aurthur.”

Liz: What’s your name, Guy.
Dave: Dave.
Liz: And what’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you this weekend, Dave.
Dave: Hearing Jack Donaghy talk on that microphone.
Liz: Well uh, not anymore.  Cause, check this out.  [Singing] Everybody dance now!  [Flashes crowd and dances]

Jack: I can’t believe you did that for me.
Liz: That’s what friends do, Jack.  Uh, doi!

Ratings: 6.41 million viewers (3.9/6 Share. 3.2/8 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #52

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