Originally Aired: February 5, 2009
Written by: Robert Carlock
Directed by: Todd Holland

Summary:
WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD: JON HAMM GUEST STARS. LIZ (TINA FEY) LEARNS ABOUT A NEW NEIGHBOR IN HER BUILDING, JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) TRIES TO WIN OVER ELISA’S (GUEST STAR SALMA HAYEK) GRANDMOTHER AND TRACY (TRACY MORGAN) IS OVERWHELMED BY THE “”TGS” INTERNS. Liz (Fey) discovers she has a handsome and newly single neighbor, Dr. Drew Baird (Hamm), she’d like to meet after receiving his mail by mistake. However, in true Liz fashion their chance at getting to know one another doesn’t begin so well. Due to Jack’s (Baldwin) striking resemblance to a Spanish soap villain, Elisa’s (Hayek) grandmother disapproves of their relationship. Jack is determined to do whatever it takes to win her adoration. Back at 30 Rock, the new “TGS” interns invite Tracy (Morgan) out for a night of partying; but Tracy, unwilling to admit it, cannot seem to keep up with the former Wall Street frat boys. Also starring Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer. (NBC)

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Brian: Ms. Lemon, here’s the research you wanted for that White House skit.
Liz: Oh ok, thanks.
Brian: You know it lady-brosit!

Jack: They’re all former investment bankers who were laid for the economic crisis that Nancy Pelosi caused.  They have zero real world skills but God, the work hard.

Jack: Gentlemen, I need you to run out and pick up some flowers, a collection of bath soaps and some Spanish language gossip magazines.
Liz: Soaps and Spanish magazines?  What are you, expecting a visit from… from the uh… uh…
Jack: Oh Lemon, don’t start it unless you got something.

Jack: Elisa’s grandmothers is coming for a visit.  I don’t think she likes me…
[Flashback]
Conception: Le odio (I hate you.)
Jack: Yo soy Jack. (I’m Jack.)

Jack: In Puerto Rico, elderly women are held in very high esteem.  … … You should go there, Lemon.  They’d love you.

Liz: None of this is mine!  I live in 3B, this is 13B.  You know what, I’m going to say it: woman should not deliver the mail.

Jenna: Dr. Andrew Baird, do you know this person?
Liz: I don’t thinks so.
Jenna: He’s a pediatrician, so you know he loves kids… or feet…no no kids.  He has a bill from a divorce lawyer so you know he’s single!  And he has a golf magazine so you know he’s not gay or poor!
Liz: Jenna, come on!

Jenna: Now let’s see what kind of movies he likes.
Liz: What are you doing?  That’s a federal offense and you already have two strikes!
Jenna: Shhh.
Liz: [to writer’s room] I do not support this!
Jenna: Muppets Take Manhattan… Caddy Shack…and a documentary on how pies are made.
Liz: Hello Dr. Baird!

Jack: Wasn’t that a treat?  Only the special tours get to see Conan without his wig.

Jack: I think your grandmother hates me.
Elisa: I don’t understand.  She’s usually a very lovely person.
Jack: Is it because I’m white?
Elisa: No.  I’ve had white boyfriends, black, Cuban, Brazilian, guys with German heritage…
Jack: I’ve get it.  You’ve been with other men.  Congratulations.

Generalissimo: Dime donde estas las diamontes.
Papa: Nunca!
Generalissimo: Dime!  No?  [Slaps him with glove repeatedly]

Brian: Oh dude, I have to meet you.  I’m Brian.
Tracy: What’s up Brian?
Brian: We love you.  “This honky grandma be tippin’!” Hey, when I quote lines from your movie, that’s not racist right?
Tracy: Of course not, I transcend race.

Brian: Look, we’re all going out after work, and I know you like to party.   We would be honored if you came with.
Tracy: You shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition at.

Brian: Have you ever drunk a yard of beer?
Tracy: A yard, like a lawn?  Yes I have.

Liz: [reading mail] He has an ice cream maker?!  Come on!  Don’t be weird looking!  Don’t be weird looking!
Oswald: [Opening door] Argh!  Girl!
Liz: Oh god!
Oswald: Dr. Baird there’s someone at your door.
Drew: Thanks, Oswald.  Oswald was just helping me hang some pictures…
Oswald: I live in the basement so I have all the nail.

Drew: I’m Drew.  Sorry I smell like frosting, I jus love to bake.
Liz: I want to go to there!

Elisa: I don’t think you should come to my cousin’s Police Academy graduation, or my other cousin’s parole party.  Boy, I hope those two don’t eventually have a show down that pits family against justice.

Elisa: As a child, my grandmother worked in a silver mine without proper ventilation.  Now her mind is squishy like a hacky sack.  But no matter what she’s still my albuelita.  Even though sometimes she comes at me with a knife because of a silver frenzy.

Jack: Generalissimo…

Jenna: Look at Dr. Baird!  How did you get a picture of him?
Liz: I told him his haircut was exactly what I’ve been trying to describe to my barber.

Jenna: Ok, don’t get intimidated, you know he can’t be perfect.
Liz: No, he might be.  I got some more of his mail and I opened it.
Jenna: *Gasps!*
Liz: Uh huh, yeah, I’m the worst.  It just proves that I don’t deserve this guy.  He went to medical school at Columbia, all kind of charity baloney.  He gets all of the movie channels including Starz.  And he trains seeing eye dogs at home.
Jenna: Well that’s no good for you.  You’re allergic to dogs.  I guess I’ll just have to step in and…
Liz: Shut up!  Just let me think!

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan is a little hung over.  He pulled an Uncle Harland Parcell last night.  Minus the wistful jug blowing.
Tracy: I went out with the interns.  Those white boys are not kidding around.  Have you ever tasted scotch?  It’s terrible!  And this thing they call “box seats at the Rangers game!” It’s so cold! And what is Rohibnal?
Liz: Tracy!  Those are roofies!
Tracy: So I shouldn’t have taken two of them for my headache?

Tracy: Uh oh… here comes the roofies…[falls over]  You can do whatever you want to me.

Jack: Lemon, this is Elisa.
Liz: What?  Come on, you’re a nurse?
Elisa: Yeah, some of us are hot.

Jack: We have a problem with him.
[Generalissimo lights stick of dynamite taped to child’s head.]
Liz: Boy, that guy looks a lot like you!
Jack: Precisely.  Two hours a day, five days a week Hector Moreda and the Generalissimo are poisoning Elisa’s grandmother against me.
Liz: Ooh!  He just blew up that kid!
Jack: Elisa and I have enough obstacles; our work schedules, our cultures, her adorably broken English.
Elisa: Metro cars are a real thing, Jack.  You use them on the subway!

Elisa: El Generalissimo is pure evil.  Look at him.  He stole that girl’s love letters and opened them.
Liz: Opened her mail?  That is just shocking.  He’s a monster.  Or he has a really good reason to do it.
Elisa: Oh no, his only reason was to trick her into giving up her honor to him!
Liz: Uh huh, and how did he use her mail to do that, exactly?
Elisa: He read her most interment secrets and turn himself into that which he desired.  What she loved, he pretended to love too.  Until it was too late.
Liz: Huh.
[Cut]
Liz: My dog ran away.
Drew: Oh my god, let me get my coat!
Liz: [evil laugh]

Drew: [sees Liz’s shirt] I’m actually on the board of the Pediatric Restless Leg Association.
Liz: Oh I forgot I even had this on.  I have so many charity t-shirts.   We have so much in common.  Well, Buster’s probably dead.  Do you want to go to the wine bar around the corner?  Deal with these emotions?  Get some dinner?

Brian: Shoot it dog!
Tracy: I’m going to.  I’m Tracy Jordan.   Why would I be afraid of fire near my mouth?

Jack: Moreda has gone broken arrow.  Jonathan!  We really should have had someone on set that spoke Spanish.

Moreda: This role has made me rich, famous and respected.  I get to cut the line at Disneyland, if I come midweek.  I have a lucrative endorsement deal with Sabor de Soledad.
[Flash to commercial]
Moreda: Ahora con mas semen del toro.  (Now with more bull semen.)

Jack: I know where you came from, Hector.  Play ball or you’ll be back doing R-rated hypnotism at the bull fight so fast you won’t know what hit you.
Moreda: You come over here and say that to my face.
Jack: No, you come over here.
Moreda: Nunca! If you refuse to be reasonable, I must call the Presidente of Telemundo.
Jonathan: [answering phone] La oficina de Jack Donaghy.  Hola!
Moreda: Well played, Jack.

Moreda: I see that we are not so different, you and I.  We laugh alike.
Jack: We think alike.
Moreda: At times, we even drink alike.
Together: You can loose your mind!

Jack: You shoul know I’m doing this for a woman. This woman. [Shows picture of Elisa.]
Moreda: Wow.  I am super gay and I would totally switch for her.

Moreda: I will become everything that old Hispanic woman desire.  I will make her love me.
Jack: You really think you can pull that off?
Moreda: It will be the performance of a life time.  Like Julie Harris in The Bell of Amherst.
Jack: Wow.  You are surprisingly gay.
Moreda: Ok.  So?

Elisa: Here’s today’s script.  I translated it and took out the Star Wars references.

Jenna: Are you an actress?
Elisa: No, I’m a nurse.
Jenna: Oh good.  Don’t listen to anyone who says you should become an actress.

Elisa: It was despicable.  Even worse than his misuse of the mails.  The Generalissimo tricked her to the villa by inviting her to a fancy party.  But when she got there it was just the two of them.  He drugged her champagne and had his way with her.  Later she gave birth to the devil.  You know, sweeps week.
Liz: That’s what I could do to Drew.
Jenna: Drug him?  No.  Having been on both sides of that, I can tell you it’s not a good idea.
Liz: No.  I’m going to tell Drew that I’m having a little welcome to the building party for him.  But there is no party.  And then when he shows up, I’ll laugh and say ‘oh it’s the wrong night.’  And then he’ll laugh and say ‘one glass couldn’t hurt.’ And then I will put my mouth on his mouth!

Liz: You haven’t seen Dr. Baird, he looks like a cartoon pilot.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I called my uncle Harland, and got his hang over cure: mix two cups boiled possums meat with one mess load ragweed.  Stir in alcohol…

Tracy: It’s like I said on my not-hit comedy “Cruise Boat”; I’m getting two old for this ship!

Generalissimo: [Seducing an old lady] (Translated) Welcome.  I look forward to your wonderful cooking.  Later, I will fulfill my dream of making love to an older Puerto Rican woman.  But first, let me compliment pictures of your grandchildren.  … After you scratch off these lottery tickets, can we go to McDonald’s and buy only coffee?

Liz: Buster, you wang!  Let’s get you back in your special kitchen cabinet!

Drew: Everything ok in there.
Liz: Yeah, we’re just playing a little… Ow!  Game where he bites me.

Liz: You’ve been roofied!
Drew: You did what?
Liz: No no not me, the pills!
Drew: Is this my mail?
Liz: Ok no! You’re not thinking clearly!
Drew: Why is all open?  That’s not your dog!
Liz: I can explain!  Just relax!
Drew: Help!
Liz: I am the Generalissimo!
Drew: I don’t know what that means!

Conception: What are you going to do about the NBC news?  It’s too sad.
Jack: I’ll look into it, uh, abuela.

Drew: I actually got some of your mail.
Liz: Oh, ok.  Hope you didn’t open it.
Drew: I did.  Monty Python, Live at the Hollywood Bowl.  Classic.  Membership in the Cheese of the Month Club.  And the Steak of the Month Club.  And a copy of Vegetarian Times.
Liz: I’m a flip flopper.
Drew: Also a response to your complaint of the bad grammar in Subway adds.
Liz: The word “whom” deserves a defender.

Drew: Based on the content of this mail.  I would have wanted to meet Elizabeth Lemon in 3B.
Liz: Really? Do you want to try this again.  I know that I lied to you and I accidentally roofied you, but worse things have happened, right?

Matt Lauer: The Lehman Brother’s investment bank will reopen under the direction of comedian, Tracy Jordan.
Tracy: I’m doing this so nobody will know I’m getting old.
Reporter: But you just told us you’re old.
Tracy: This interview is over!

Matt Lauer:  Now to lighten things up, some pictures of beautiful Latin babies and the music of Tito Puente.  Jack, this is ridiculous.

Ratings: 6.39 million viewers (4.1/6 Share. 3.1/7 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #51

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3.11 - St. Valentine’s Day»