Originally Aired: February 12, 2009
Written by: Jack Burditt & Tina Fey
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary:
VALENTINE’S DAY AT “”30 ROCK” NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD. JON HAMM AND SALMA HAYEK GUEST STAR.
Not realizing it’s going to be the ultimate lovers holiday, Liz (Tina Fey) insists her and Drew (Hamm) have their first official date on Valentine’s Day; while Jack (Alec Baldwin) prepares himself for an unconventional Valentine’s Day spent at church with girlfriend Elisa (Hayek). Tracy (Tracy Morgan) tries to help Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) win the affections of a new staffer. Also starring Jane Krakowski and Judah Friedlander (NBC)

Promotional Pictures: Coming Soon!

Quotes:

Liz: Oh, good morning, Dr. Baird!
Drew: Good morning, regular person Lemon.

Drew: Oh hey, are you around this weekend?  Maybe we can have that date…
Liz: Yes!
Drew: Ok how about Friday?
Liz: Oh no, Friday I have a stupid show.  How about Saturday?
Drew: Ok, I guess that doesn’t have to be weird.
Liz: Ok then.
Drew: Ok.  Valentine’s Day it is.
Liz: Saturday is Valentine’s Day?  Norts!

Jack: You sound so sexy when you say that.  Say it again!
Elisa: You’re mother’s gone back to Flor-r-r-r-ida!

Jack: These McFlurry’s are amazing!
Elisa: I know.  The soft swirl of vanilla and the hard crunch of candy and cookies.  You’d think they’d fight each other, but no, together they are perfecto.
Jack: Some would say that describes us.

Elisa: Who would say such a crazy thing?!  We are us.  Let a McFlurry be what it is; the world’s greatest desert!

Elisa: I have to go to Church.
Jack: On Valentine’s Day?  Is that a thing?
Elisa: It is the feast of the martyrdom of St. Valentine.  Please Jack, don’t tell me you’re one of those convenient Catholics that only goes to church every Sunday?

Frank: Oh Kenneth, Hey, you know how the company makes and effort to hire the disabled?
Kenneth: Do I?! I wouldn’t have this job if it weren’t for the mouth on my back.
Frank: Yeah, I’m supposed some blind chick they hired to edit the reruns.  But three of the dancers just found out their all dating the same guy, so I’m gonna go watch that.  So if you see a blind chick, give her one of your boring tours.
Kenneth: Yes sir! [higher voice] Yes sir!  I’m just funning, it’s all sewed up!

Liz: I can’t make this guy go on a first date on Valentine’s!
Jack: Why are you so nervous about this?
Liz: Because it’s a delicate situation, Jack.  There is “handsomeness” involved.
Jack: How much? [Liz shows him picture] Oh come on Lemon, what is this, a green card thing?
Liz: No.
Jack: Closet case?
Liz: I don’t think so.
Jack: Slump buster?
Liz: Not a baseball player.
Jack: Bundy-esque serial killer?
Liz: That was my first though, but no!

Jack: Here’s how you correct this misstep; instead of going to a restaurant where it will be nothing but people in love and rings hidden in pastries…
Liz: Oof.
Jack: Cook him a nice meal at home.
Liz: Nice, you mean like stew?
Jack: I certainly do not mean stew.

Jack: Elisa is deeply religious.
Liz: If I had those knockers, I’d be thanking god too.

Jack: All I want for Valentine’s Day is to go to Blunder and eat the Lover’s Delight.
Liz: That sounds filthy, Jack.
Jack: It is.

Liz: I don’t know… ever put a doughnut in the microwave?

Jack: You’re right, Elisa is worth it.  And I can fake enthusiasm when I need to.  Hey!  That scarf is fun!
Liz: Thanks!  I found it at Dun…wait a minute.

Tracy: [answering Kenneth’s phone] NBC, blah blah blah.  Thank you.

Tracy: I know love at first sight when I see it.  I saw it when I met Angie.  I saw it the first time Dot Com laid eyes on Grizz’s fiancé.

Tracy: Now is the time for gallantry!

Jennifer: It’s you again!  I can tell!
Tracy: [pretending to be Kenneth] Well call me fiddles.  I enjoy your smile!
Jennifer: Oh my! I’m Jennifer Rodgers.
Tracy: You may call me Kenneth the Page.  Because that is who I am!  Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night?  Yes indeedy!  Corncobs!
Jennifer: Well I’m going to say Yes!  Because this just feels right and my instincts have never let me down.  Except for looking at that eclipse!

Drew: That was really good stew.
Liz: Thank you.  It’s my own recipe where I use cheddar cheese instead of water.

Liz: Please know that when I invited you over I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day.
Drew: Well you still have that rotting Jack-O-Lantern in the hallway so I feel you don’t have a great sense of what month it is.
Liz: Well it’s just gotten so small that I kind of want to see if it disappears.

Drew: So, first date stuff.  Where are you from?
Liz: Well um there’s a really interesting answer to that question actually.  I was born on the border of Maryland and Pennsylvania…
Drew: Ok, I feel like I should do the right thing here, and tell you that your breast has fallen out of your blouse and I can see all of it.
Liz: Ok, I think we just jumped ahead here to date 4.

Jonathan: Jack Donaghy’s office.
Jack: [Speaking in rhythm to Our Father] Our Jonathan, who art in the office, how would thou be my reservation.  If you are able, hold my table, at Plunder as we will not be there by seven.  Have them delay our heavenly desert.  And forgive us our lateness as we forgive those who cause lateness against us.

Drew: Well, thanks for explaining that.  I’ve always wanted to know how a universal remote works.

Liz: Oh cheese stew!  What was I thinking?!

Drew: I think your brownies are burning.  Do you want me to take them out?
Liz: Yes please, but whatever you do, don’t open that kitchen window.
[Drew opens the window, bathroom door flies open]
Liz: No!
Drew: Oh!  Too soon!

Liz: The draft made the door fly open!
Drew: I know, it’s not a big deal.  So we skipped from date #4 to date #20.
Liz: No!  Date never!  I would never let that happen.
Drew: Liz, it’s ok, I’m a doctor.  I’ve seen much worse.
Liz: Really?
Drew: No, just kidding that was pretty bad.

Bethany: Mom’s keying your car.
Drew: Bethany, this is Liz.
Liz: Hi, it’s so nice to meet you!
Bethany: Why does it smell in here.
Liz: I got sick.
Drew: We ate stew.

Bethany: Why don’t you trust me.
Drew: Because, honey, you keep setting fire to things.

Priest: And now, a prayer for the pregnant members of our congregation.  Anita Alverez.  Anna Alverez.  Annabell Alverez…
Jack: Honey this is a Catholic church.  We’ll be here until morning.

Jack: Ok here’s how this is going to go.  We’re going to sit here in silence for about three minutes, then I’m going to take my girlfriend to Pluder, where the pope himself could not get a table.
Priest: You sound troubled, my son.
Jack: Can it father.  That was a nice try.

Jennifer: That limo ride was weird.  It felt like we just circled the block 50 times.
Tracy: [as Kenneth] That’s how you get to Manhattan’s fanciest restaurant.
Dot  Com: Ah! Monsieur Parcell! Votre table est prêt. (Ah, Mr. Parcell, your table is ready.)
Jennifer: I didn’t know it was a French restaurant!
Tracy: Yes, I found it on my favorite website; stop showing off Dot Com.

Priest: Don’t you have faith?
Jack: I have faith.  In things I can see, and buy, and deregulate.  Capitalism is my religion.  You want to have an intellectual argument?  Fine.  But I should warn you I went to Princeton.
Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
Jack: Oh you crimson guys never miss a chance.  You want a confession?  Lets get this done so I can go eat. I’m divorced.  I take the Lord’s name often and with great relish.  I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident … … I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field…I looked the other way while my wig based parent company turned a bunch of children orange.  I once claimed “I am god!” During a deposition… and I may have sodomized our former vice-president while under influence of some weapons grade narcotics.  It feels good to say that one out loud actually.  That one was weighing on me.

Priest: What brought you here?
Jack: What brought me here?  What brings anyone anywhere?  Why do men build bridges?  Why are there jets?  I was hoping to have sex tonight.

Priest: I need back up!  Harvard did not prepare me for this!

Liz: I like your bracelets.
Bethany: Girls get them at my school for doing different things on the bus.  Blue’s for showing your boobs.  Purples for doing stuff over your clothes.  Blacks for doing stuff under your clothes…

Jennifer: Entertainment?!
Tracy: Not just any entertainment, the best singer in the world, Michael McDonald!
[Jenna does Michael McDonald impression]
Jennifer: Wow he does not sound good live.

Elisa: I’m so mad at you I’m yelling at you in Spanish like Ricky Ricardo!

Elisa: You know what your problem is Jack?  You intellectualize everything with your big head!
Jack: Well you have big boobs!
Elisa: Which you will never touch again!
Jack: This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

Jack: God wants us to leave here, get a good meal, and go to town on each other.
Elisa: [Slaps Jack] How dare you say something like so close to the statue of Santa Lucia?  The patron saint of judgmental statues.

Elisa: You blew it Jack.  And now you will never see the crazy underwears I have on!
Jack: Elisa!  What kind of god would let that happen?

Grandma Baird: It’s too soon, Andrew.
Liz: I know we tried to take it slow…
Grandma Baird: Life!  I have more I want to do.
Liz: Oh right, you.  Of course.

Grandma Baird: Mandy, you look terrible.
Liz: Oh no, I’m not Mandy.  I’m Liz.
Grandma Baird: Mandy, you have to tell Drew something for me: The woman he thinks is his sister is really his mother.  I’m his grandmother.  You have to tell him or I won’t get into heaven!  [Grandma Baird dies]

Kenneth: Wait this isn’t right.
Jennifer: Kenneth, why do you suddenly sound white?

Jennifer: If you could have talked to me, what would you have said?
Kenneth: That you’re the sweetest, prettiest, blindest girl I’ve ever met.  And when I’m with you, my heart jumps like a frog on July asphalt right before it dies.

Jennifer: Oh, look at the time!   I forgot I have a thing.
Tracy: That is cold, blind lady!  Oh and by the way, you’re not so attractive yourself.
Jennifer: No, I’m pretty sure I’m hot.
Tracy: Yes you are.  I tried.

Drew: Lets to this again sometime.  Except have it not be anything like this at all.

[Liz kisses Drew]
Drew: Oh, Liz.  You know my mom did just die.
Liz: Funny story.  Hear me out…

Jack: I believe we were reunited by the most successful capitalist enterprise of the last hundred years despite the McLean Deluxe or the MickeyMoo.
Elisa: Whatever.  Someone’s trying to tell us that we belong together.  Maybe it’s God.
Jack: Maybe it’s Ray Kroc.
Elisa: Maybe it’s the Hamburglar.

Jack: Boy, I hope that guys not planning to kill her and eat her.
Elisa: Jack, you’re such a romantic!

Ratings: 7.68 million viewers (4.6/7    Share. 3.8/9 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #37

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