Note: The title of this episode was changed for “Jalisa.”

Originally Aired: February 26, 2009
Written by: Matthew Hubbard
Directed by: Constatine Makris

Summary:
WHY IS TRACY (TRACY MORGAN) CAUSING CITY-WIDE MAYHEM? WILL JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) AND ELISA (SALMA HAYEK) TAKE THE NEXT BIG STEP IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP? FIND OUT WHEN SALMA HAYEK, LARRY KING AND MEREDITH VIEIRA GUEST STAR.
Jack (Baldwin) considers taking the next step with Elisa (Hayek), but will he be able to choose between his commitment to her and his demanding career? Meanwhile, Tracy’s (Morgan) interview on “Larry King Live” sends New York City into a panic. Out in the chaotic city, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) recruits Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) to venture out to Queens to retrieve her lost cell phone from a surly cabbie. Also starring Jane Krakowski, Judah Friedlander and Scott Adsit.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Jack: Lemon, you’re a woman…
Liz: Of course I am! That doctor was a quack. I don’t even know why my parents listened to him!

Jack: I need advice. Elisa is coming by this afternoon to “talk about us.”
Liz: Ugh, ladies are such a bummer!
Jack: “Where is this going?” “How serious are we?” “Why don’t you listen to this story about my friend?
Liz: Well, where is it going? Ladies like to know what that next step is. They… We can’t help ourselves.

Jack: Believe me, Lemon. I want to take that next step?
Liz: You mean like marriage?
Jack: No the one before that.
Liz: Moving in together? That’s huge!
Jack: No the one you do before that… Think you in the mid 90’s.
Liz: You haven’t had sex?!

Jack: Elisa had a very strict, very religious upbringing. She doesn’t take that step lightly. We have of course… pleasured one another.
Liz: No. Stop. I will leave.

Jack: Obviously I care about her a lot. But she keeps confusing me with this ridiculous notion that sex and love are somehow connected.
Liz: Ok two things. One; be honest. If this is a big deal with her do not take that next step unless you are sure. And second, and more importantly, in 2009, I have done it two more times than you! Give it up! What what! Woo!!! Do not leave a brother hangin’!

Liz: You ready for Larry King Live tonight?
Tracy: You know it. I cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch!

Pete: Listen, we have a request. Can you please try to remember to talk about TGS tonight?
Liz: You only have to plug it once. TGS, Fridays at 10:30 on NBC.
Tracy: You got it. NGS Fridays at C:30 on TB:10.
Pete: Thank you.

Pete: [phone rings] Liz, it says that you’re calling me. How is that possible? [answers phone] Hello?
Cab Driver: This phone was left in my cab by a woman wearing the shirt of a man.
Pete: Oh, you left his phone in his car.

Cab Driver: You bring 600 dollars rich lady, or I throw this phone away.
Liz: What? I’ll definitely do that, on Opposite Day!
Cab Driver: I’m new to this country. Is that a real day?

Elisa: I got you something to remember me while I’m in Puerto Rico. It’s a caricature of me on a skateboard.

Jack: You know I’m serious about us. We’re great together. We’re Jack and Elisa. Jalisa.
Elisa: That’s really lame, Jack.

Jack: Jonathan, clear my schedule for next week. Starting with tonight.
Jonathan: You won’t be coming in at all? But what about Jaconothan?

Elisa: I think tonight is going to be a very special night. You know what I mean?
Jack: I think I do. Don’t forget your skateboard.

Tracy: But then he scores a basket. Even though he’s not a wolf anymore.
Larry King: We’re here with Tracy Jordan. Who just recounted, by the way, the entire plot of “Teen Wolf.”

Tracy: Larry, I’m not an expert. But I do have a strong opinion. New York as we know it, will no longer exist tomorrow.
Larry King: Expand on that.
Tracy: Look, I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbucks. And if Wall Street crashes, it will be the 1970’s all over again; people will get mean, the streets won’t be safe, it’ll be graffiti everywhere, and the movies will only be $3.
Larry King: Tracy Jordan, saying three serious things, then a joke.

Liz: Hey Jack, how you doing?
Jack: Like a lion, ready to take its mate.

Liz: There’s a picture on my phone. An adult picture. Of me!
Jack: [Laughs] What?
Liz: Drew took it as a joke. I’m making a face like… Why am I telling you this?!
Jack: Top and bottom? May I speak with Aziv?

Larry King: Have you been to Asia, Tracy?
Tracy: My work has taken me there. I was supposed to be in that movie, “Rush Hour”, but two weeks into shooting, I was replaced by Jackie Chan.

Liz: I’m not going alone to meet some creep at a taxi garage. Will one of you guys go with me?
Frank: No.
Toofer: No mam.
Lutz: Good luck.
Pete: I would, but I don’t want to.
Kenneth: I will escort you, Ms. Lemon. Us pages are accustomed to danger.

Kenneth: Oh, Ms. Lemon. I can’t leave Manhattan on Page business. NBC’s insurance doesn’t cover it. I’ll have to do this as a friend.
Liz: Ok, fine.
Kenneth: Say it! Say I’m your friend.
Liz: Fine. You’re my friend, Kenneth. Let’s go.

Kenneth: I just got tagged!

Kenneth: I don’t understand, what can be so important. [Gasps] It wasn’t something of sentimental value was it?
Liz: Yes, very settlement. It’s… a song, a lullaby that my Nana Lemon used to sing to me every night.
Kenneth: Oh, was it, “The day is done, my sweet? For the lambs have been decapitated?”
Liz: No. It was a German song. She was German. And my nana got very sick recently. And I went to visit her and I had her sing it for me one final time. I recorded that song on my phone. And I’m glad I did, because she died a few hours later. I was my birthday.
Kenneth: Ms. Lemon I’m so sorry. Would you sing it for me?
Liz: [Sings 99 Luftballoons]

Elisa: That was amazing.
Jack: Thank you. I watched America Masters last night about Baryshnikov. I picked up a few ideas.

Jack: I don’t care what’s going on out there. I’m staying here. There are some things more important than a stock quote crawling across a screen. I am in love with this magnificent woman. There’s no amount of money that this company could loose that would cause me to… [Jorgensen shows him the amount] Yes. That’s the amount. I’ll get dressed right now.

Tracy: I’d like to play devil’s avocado, here Larry, I think people should freak-the-geek out! With drawl all our money, and hide it!

Kenneth: Why is she wearing these glasses? This is from new years. She said you died on your birthday, and that’s in November.
Liz: That’s not a New Year’s thing. That’s the year she wanted to live to. She didn’t make it.
Kenneth: Sing that lullaby again.
Liz: [Sings 99 Luftballoons]
Kenneth: Keep going…
Liz: …99 Luftballoons…
Kenneth: I knew it! That’s 99 Red Balloons! Nena’s famous anti-balloon protest song.

Liz: You want the truth, Kenneth? You want the truth?!
Kenneth: I can’t handle the truth!
Liz: There is an adult picture of me on that phone!
Kenneth: Adult? You mean like you’re driving a car or wearing a suit?
Liz: It’s a boobies picture, Kenneth! And I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction!

Liz: Good! I don’t need you! Co-worker!

Jack: Did you get a hold of Geiss?
Jonathan: No.
Jack: Did you try his mistress?
Jonathan: Not there.
Jack: How about his man-stress?

Tracy: I’m saying the Disney’s vacation of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a pile of rags fighting over a human finger.

Tracy: I know Jack Donaghy. And that is an impostor. Hang up! Hang up on him Larry!
Larry King: I’m going to, but not because you told me.

Elisa: It smells like dude in here!

Elisa: It was all just another Jack Donaghy lie. Like when you said you could dunk a basketball.
Jack: I can on a regulation hoop!

Elisa: What’s going to happen? People are going to die? No. You’ll just get poor like the rest of us. You’ll eat cereal that comes in a bag and you’ll keep the free hand wipes from the casino. You might even have to spend sometime with your children.
Jorgensen: Who is this woman? Why isn’t someone shutting her up?!

Jack: What’s happening here is a once in a lifetime thing!
Elisa: So am I.
Jorgensen: Boy, that was kind of neat how she just woop flipped your words around on you there.

Larry: Our next caller is Pete from Manhattan. Pete, what’s your question?
Pete: Hey Larry, first time caller, I adore the show.
Tracy: Hey, I recognize that voice anywhere, Larry! That’s my friend Peter Frampton on the phone.
Pete: Uh…sure. Listen Tracy, I love the idea of hiding cash at work. Can you be more specific about where you hid your money?
Tracy: Of course Pete! I hid my money at the safest place at 30 Rock. Without giving it away, the place I picked is very dry and warm. Its top is hard, but it’s bottom is soft. And although the location changes all the time, the money stays in the same place.
Larry: If you’re just joining us, we’re with Tracy Jordan who is giving guitar icon Peter Frampton enigmatic clues about a secret treasure.

Jack: Can we even play this thing?
Jonathan: Oh yes, I keep a VCR so I can watch your old football tapes.
Jack: Jonathan, what is that camcorder for?
Jonathan: Nothing! I don’t know.

Don Geiss: Capitalism is ending. Either because of the Soviets or something crazy like a woman president.

Jack: I was about to do the whole “run to the airport” thing that Ross did on Friends and that Liz Lemon did in real life.

Elisa: The taxis want 500 bucks to go to JFK and the horses are worse! Everything’s gone cocoa for coocoo poops! Is that right?

Elisa: I want a ring so big, that it gives me back problems!

Cab Driver: Where’s the $2000?
Liz: I don’t have it. I lost all my money. And my bank cards. And my retainer. Jeez!

Cab Driver: Maybe you could call a friend to get the money. Oh wait, everyone in this address book is a work number. Work number. Work number. Work number. You have no friends.
Kenneth: Yes. I. Am!

Kenneth: It’s me. I am the safest place in 30 Rock!

Kenneth: I would thank you to give the lady its cell phone back.

Liz: Thank you for coming back, Kenneth. You’re a good friend?
Kenneth: You mean it?
Liz: Yes.
Kenneth: Because I’m having an asbestos removal party at my apartment on Sunday.
Liz: Yeah! I’m in…

Meredith Vieira: Tracy, a lot people are calling out a fear monger and I’m quoting here, “an idiot.”
Tracy: Watch TGS, Fridays at 10:30 on NBC! Word!

Ratings: 6.36 million viewers (3.9/6 Share. 2.9/7 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #44

«3.11 – St. Valentine’s Day

3.13 – Goodbye, My Friend»