Originally Aired: March 5, 2009
Written by: Ron Weiner
Directed by: John Riggi

Summary:
LIZ LEMON’S (TINA FEY) BABY FEVER HEATS UP WHEN SHE BEFRIENDS A PREGNANT TEEN. PATTI LUPONE AND JOHN LITHGOW GUEST STAR –
Liz (Fey) befriends a pregnant teenaged donut shop employee, in an attempt to adopt her baby. Back on set, Jenna (Jane Krakowski) vies for more attention from the TGS staff as her birthday approaches, but Kenneth’s (Jack McBrayer) plan to combine her party with one for Tracy (Tracy Morgan) derails her efforts. Meanwhile, Jack (Alec Baldwin) agrees to go on a guys’ night out to keep his mind off of his absent girlfriend, and bonds with Frank (Judah Friedlander) over their daddy issues. Also starring Scott Adsit.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Quotes:

Tracy: That’s for coming out, and thanks for watching!  Love, peace, and hair grease..

Pete: Donuts then bed?  What are you depressed about?  Or celebrating?
Liz: It’s this endless adoption process.  It took me three months…
Jenna: Liz, I am totally humiliated.  How could cut “Diaper Chicken”? Oh wait, I know, because Tracy’s the star!
Liz: Oh brother, she’s feeling neglected.  How’s she going to act out this time?
Jenna: My ankle!  Ah!
Liz: Oh, imaginary injury!
Pete: I would have said death of a voice coach.

Liz: Hey Jack!  What are you still doing here?
Jack: It’s Friday night, I need something to do.
Liz: Don’t you have some gallery opening?  Or a fundraiser to give bow ties to inner-city youths?
Jack: Of course.  But, I’m committed to Elisa.  While she’s away I’m trying to avoid temptation.  I just need somewhere to socialize where women aren’t an issue. [Sees Frank, Lutz, Toofer, and Josh]  Hey now!

Becca: Dude, I know you’re getting these messages, because I know how to check your voicemail.  You are officially a d-bag, Tim!  I hope you loose your indoor soccer game!

Becca: Sorry, what can I get you?
Pete: A dozen assorted for me to take home to my family.  And the lady will have…
Liz: A dozen assorted.

Liz: Should you be working the night shift alone like this?
Becca: It’s fine.  They give me a gun.

Liz: I’ll have mine to stay, please?
Becca: You want a dozen donuts to stay?
Liz: And a skim milk.

Pete: What are you doing, Liz?
Liz: Making a new friend.
Pete: I don’t like this, you have crazy eyes.
Liz: Shut up, mouth.
Pete: I don’t want any part of this.
Liz: Then get out of here.

Jack: Boy, that creative thing you guys do; writing jokes for a living, making the world laugh.  What do your dads say you do for a living?
Toofer: Surgeon.
Josh: Optometrist.
Lutz: Died.
Frank: I never really knew my dad, so I just lie to myself: space assassin.

Jack: I grew up without a father too, Frank.  Good old Billy Donaghy, he left when I was two.  He’s show up every now and then to impregnate my mom, punch out umpires in my little league.
Frank: Last time I saw my dad, he went out to get the candles for my 4^th Birthday lasagna, and never came back.  My whole life I said I would be something, restore the glory of the Rossitano name.  It’s a Sicilian dialect that means “well poisoner.”
Jack: In Galic, “Donaghy” means “dung basket.”

Frank: How lame do you think we are?  The night is young!  We’re going to Lutz’s to watch a movie.  Tonight, a classic; Harry and the Hendersons.  You in Jack?
Jack: Uh, yes, but I don’t want to go to Lutz’s apartment.  His contract is up and I don’t want to feel sorry for him.  What do you say we go to my place?

Becca: And when I told Tim I was pregnant, he just freaked out and didn’t call me for a week.  Then he texted me and was like “Oh, I love you.  No, I’m mad at you. You did this on purpose.”  As if.  Meanwhile, his Myspace page still says “Status: Horny.”  And I’m like, if you care about me at all, at least have the decency to Skype me face to face.
Liz: Man, there’s just so many different devices for guys to not call you on now.  When I was your age, I could just be like “Oh he probably tired to call me, but my line was busy.” Then you could just watch Falcon Crest and cry yourself to sleep.

Jack: He had to be mean to save him.  Harry belonged in the woods.
Frank: It gets me every time.
Jack: This reminds me of my favorite movie: Shane.
Frank: Oh, when Joey wants to go with Shane and Shane makes him stay?
Jack: Maybe it’s because we didn’t have fathers.  Maybe that’s why we’re drawn to movies where the father figure pushes away the child slash legendary North American forest ape.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I was updating my staff birthday list and I discovered I don’t have yours.
Tracy: That’s because I don’t have a birthday, Ken.
Kenneth: What?!
Tracy: I don’t have a birth certificate because I was born inside of Yankee Stadium.  I bounced around foster care so much that nobody bothered to throw me a birthday party.
Kenneth: But even prisoners have birthday parties.  I saw one on “Oz.”  It was…interesting.

Tracy: I don’t need a birthday party because I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they’re often a surprise.

Dot Com: My birthday’s September 21^st.  Not that anyone asked.

Jack: Hi Frank.
Frank: Oh, hey Jack.
Jack: This morning it hit me in the shower why the Henderson’s named their guest Harry.  That film has layers.  I was also thinking about what you told me about your family, and law school.
Frank: Yeah sorry, I was drunk.  I shouldn’t have told you that stuff.
Jack: No no no, I’m glad you did.  We have a lot in common.
Frank: We both have recurring dreams about being overpowered by a female body builder.
Jack: Ok, we were both drunk.

Jack: Make your mother proud, Frank.  Make your father hate any new children he might have.
Frank: But I’ve got a whole other life now.
Jack: I guess.  But we both know you should be working at a desk with fake vomit on it.
Frank: Right.  Fake.

Becca: Excuse me.
Jack: Oh god, please don’t be a daughter I didn’t know about.

Pete: What’s she doing here?
Liz: She is the shows new youth consultant.  It’s a thing!  The CW has them!

Becca: So do you want me to youth consulting now?  Because kids would not be into that.
Liz: Oh, Lutz?  Yeah, that guys the worst.

Jenna: Kenneth, this is the dress I’ll be wearing to my birthday party.  Please make sure no one else plans to wear the same thing.
Kenneth: Yes, mam. Did you know that Mr. Jordan never had a birthday party?  He was too poor growing up.
Jenna: Oh, that’s horrible.  My heart goes out to all the inner city kids.  Especially those two fat to dance their way out.

Becca: I guess I have two options; go back home and try to get back with Tim and keep the baby.  Or give up the baby and focus on my music.
Liz: So, Tim, keep baby.  Music, give up baby.
Becca: Can I play you one of my songs?
[Liz nods]
Becca: [singing] Now we are joined in a cobweb of rainbow…
Liz: Stop!  Stop right there.  Tears.  The world needs to hear your music.

Pete: You have crossed a line, Liz Lemon.  Becca’s never going to make it with those songs.
Liz: Says who, being terrible has never prevented success in the music business.  Look at Biz Marke or The Doors.

Liz: He ran away, Pete.
Pete: So did I.  5 times.  But I came back.  And when my caveman brain saw those babies, with their little Hornberger foreheads, it clicked.

Liz: Hey, what are you doing?
Becca: My pregnant teen message board says that the baby gets all its food from the mother.  So you have to give it stuff it likes.
Liz: Well no, the baby can’t taste anything, it just gets nutrients from you.
Becca: I am going to post a reply to juno32 and tell her she’s a giant ass wipe.

Becca: I can’t believe you don’t have kids.
Liz: What’s that?
Becca: Well you’d make such a great mom.  You’re smart, successful, grounded.
Liz: Aw, go on.
Becca: You already dress like a mom…
Liz: And…stop.
Becca: It’s not the right time for me to have a family.  But, is that something you’d want?
Liz: Yeah, Becca, it is.
Becca: Will you sing with me, Liz?
Liz: Oh I rather…
Becca: [Singing] Mothers and Fathers and Jugglers and Judges.
Liz: [joining in] …Now we are joined in a cobweb of rainbows.

Kenneth: He’s coming!  The plan is working!  I bit my tongue!

Jenna: What a schmo, entering first.  Now I’m the headliner and he’s the warm up act.  I’m Mr. Don Rickles and he’s just me.

Frank: I decided to take you up on your offer.
Jack: Good man. And you went to my tailor.  That’s the same cut Regan wore on the day he got shot.

Jack: Now let me hear the 7 most important words in the American judicial system?
Frank: My client, has no memory of that.
Jack: I also would have accepted, “You can’t prove that’s the governor’s semen.”

Kenneth: What’s the matter, Mr. Jordan?  I know you only make cheese friends when something’s bothering you.
Tracy: You were right, Ken.  Birthdays are special.  And now mine is over.  And who knows when February 24^th will come again?  And that birthday wish is malarkey.  Malarkey!  [To cheese friend] Come on, Daniel.

Sylvia: I’m so proud of you.  A lawyer.  Someday you’ll have an ad on the subway in English and Spanish!

Sylvia: You want Frank to be a lawyer so he won’t be like his father?  His father was a lawyer!  And his father’s father.  All the Rossitano men are lawyers.  It’s in their blood to be lawyers!
Jack: Then what’s problem…
Sylvia: For the mob!
Jack: What?
Sylvia: Frankie’s father didn’t abandon him.  He’s in hiding in Phoenix. Every Rossitano man is either in hiding or six feet under.  You want me to paint you a picture?  Cause I did!  It’s part of a therapy through painting things.
Jack: I had no idea.
Sylvia: Well you should have guessed.
Jack: I don’t think I should have.

Liz: He’s coming to steal my baby!

Jenna: Don’t even ask about the wheelchair.
Liz: Ok! [runs]
Jenna: Also, my old vocal coach died!

Jack: Lemon, there was once a great American named George Henderson.  He met a woodland ape, or Sasquatch.  Despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became its friend.  When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged and birds could perch on its shoulder, because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by god he did it.  Did it hurt?  You be it hurt.  Like a bastard.  But he did it because it was the right thing to do, for the woodland ape.  You think about that.
Liz: What?!  [Gets in elevator] Is that Harry and the Hendersons?
Jack: You’ve seen it?
Liz: This is my life, Jack.

Jenna: I think I’ll be ok in time for tomorrows show.  Then I’ll have to go in for more tests.  I’m so brave.
Kenneth: Oh I wish you felt better, so you could help us figure out what Mr. Jordan’s birthday wish must have been.
Jenna: What?  Why?
Kenneth: So we could make it come true.  And his birthday could go on and on.  We’ve narrowed it down to own a Robocop, hunt the elephant that paints, or breakfast in bed.

Tracy: My birthday wish came true!
Jenna: What?
Tracy: I wished for you to get better.   I was going to wish for breakfast in bed with Robocop while an elephant paints us…
Kenneth: We were close!
Tracy: But then I saw you with that back brace right before I blew out my candles.  It’s a birthday miracle!

Kenneth: Let’s make Ms. Maroney’s birthday wish come true!
Jenna: Aw that’s so sweet.  But who would I celebrate with if you were all in car accident?
[They all Laugh]

Liz: Are you Tim? Becca’s Tim?  I’m her friend, Jenna.  And she does not want to see you.  She’s very mad and wants you to leave!

John Lithgow: Excuse me, what floor is the Sci-Fi channel on?
Liz: Ugh! Fine, Lithgow, I’ll do the right thing!  God!
John Lithgow: I guess someone’s been watching “The World According to Garp.”

Liz: Do you know how many people want what just got dropped in your lap? [Mockingly] Oh now’s not a good time.  I want to go to Burning Man. [/Mockingly]  Shut up Tim!  Do you love Becca?
Tim: She’s like my soul mate, I mean…
Liz: You’re not listening, dummy.  Nut up, right now!  Get a job and help raise that kid.  Love it because it has your Goony face and get married and have disposable cameras at the wedding because it’s fun and people like it!

Frank: Where are we going?  I already cleaned out my office.
Jack: You got to go back to where you belong.  You got to go.
Frank: No, I’m going to be a lawyer.  I’m going to be like you.
Jack: Get out of here!  Go to the writers room.  There is no scholarship!  Can’t you see we don’t want you anymore.

Frank: Jack! I don’t understand!
Jack: [hits Frank] Why don’t you go back where you came from?  Leave me alone!

Liz: Those two, they both grew up without fathers.

Tim: Hey baby, My god, look at your boobs!

Tim and Becca: [singing] Rainbows and the cobwebs, and the cobwebs on the rainbows, and…
Liz: Aaand stop!

Jack: I guess in a way, we both lost children today.
Liz: But mine was real, Jack.  Yours was Frank.

John Lithgow: Can somebody please tell me how to get out of this building?!  It’s like a maze!  I keep walking past the same Sabarros!
[Jack shuts door in John’s face]
Liz: Hehe, yeah.
John Lithgow: I’m a celebrity!  Please!
Jack: Sad.

Ratings: 7.25 million viewers (4.5/7 Share. 3.7/9 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #43

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