Originally Aired: March 12, 2009
Written by: Donald Glober & Tom Ceraulo
Directed by: Ken Whittingham

Summary: WHEN LIZ (TINA FEY) IS CALLED OUT OF THE OFFICE FOR JURY DUTY, CHAOS ENSUES ON THE “”TGS” SET
When Liz (Fey) can’t scheme her way out of jury duty, the “”TGS” cast and crew are left unmanaged. With no one in charge, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) begin to act irresponsibly, while Jack (Alec Baldwin) becomes absorbed in launching a lucrative new product. Jack McBrayer, Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell and Katrina Bowden also star. Chris Parnell guest stars.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Kenneth: What are all these little plastic containers for?  Are you pickling squirrel meat?  Because I can lend you my skull compressor.
Liz: No, Kenneth. I went to the new flagship compartment store on 5^th Avenue and got everything I need to get my life in order.  There’s a stacker thing to separate your junk mail from you humidifier catalogs.  A thing you stick on your laptop that holds your keys.  A round plastic deal that holds your shoes with a pocket for a photograph of what shoes are in there.  I’m going to become wonderful.  It’s a new beginning.  Like a phoenix rising…[gets hit by bike]  …or, maybe this is going to be the worst day ever.

Liz: Ok morning meeting.  Everyone shut up.  Shut up Lutz!

Frank: Yeah guys, seriously, be cool.
Liz: Why are you not wearing pants?
Frank: The still have the heat set for winter and my office is boiling.
Liz: Put on your pants Frank!

Cerie: You told me to be more proactive.
Liz: No!  I told you to buy more Proactive!

Jonathan: Liz!  Mr. Donaghy wants to see you immediately about what Jenna and Tracy did during the St. Patrick’s Day parade.
Liz: Was it something good?

Jack: Would you please explain to Mr. O’Cannon here, why it went so very wrong.
Jenna: Sir, as I’m sure you know from reading my blog, I’m currently shooting a feature film inspired by, but for legal reasons, not based on Janis Joplin.
[Cut to Jenna singing as Janet Jopler] Synonyms just another word for the word you want to use.
Jenna: We can’t see the original songs, but it’s going to be phenomenal.

Jack: Passing out.  Cursing.  On St. Patrick’s Day.  Is nothing sacred?

Tracy: I think I should be rewarded for going this long without swearing on live TV.
Jack: The FCC disagrees.  And they’ve decided to make an example of you and fine you personally $50,000.
Tracy: 50 grand?  [Holds up watch] Can anyone cut this in half?

Liz: Look at you.  I told you, you’re spreading yourself too thin.
Jenna: I only heard the thin part, Liz.

Jack: Lemon is right, Jenna, obviously you can’t do both TGS and Janie Jimplin.
Jenna: I choose the movie!  My face is bigger on movies.
Jack: No I don’t mean quit.  I mean, Liz will find a way to make both work.  Am I right, Lemon?
Liz: Well, I’ll have to use you less in the show.
Jack: I’ll scale the movie.  We could cut the lesbian scene.
Jenna: But the Oscars love that kind of thing.  There’s two guys at my gym named Oscar.

Liz: Jenna you have got to start taking care of yourself.  You’re a wreck.
Jenna: [applying lip gloss] I am fine, Liz.
Jack: Jenna, that’s a glue stick.

Liz: The pocket microwave!
Jack: You can buy it on Friday along with everyone else.
Liz: There’s a ham button!  You used my idea!

Dr. Spaceman: Jenna, I understand what it’s like having too much on your plate.  Between my medical practice and this job, I’m pulled in every direction.

Jenna: I haven’t been this tired since I was forced to do that dance marathon in Dubai.

Dr. Spaceman: I can give you these pamphlets on stress, and diet and doing a movie and a tv show at the same time.  [Hands her a a “So You’re Simultaneously Doing a Movie and a TV Show!” which has Frankie Muniz, Katherine Heigl and Raven Symone on the cover]

Dr. Spaceman: My lab work is in the field of sleep research.  Mostly because I checked the wrong box on a form once.  We are currently working on a pill that keeps people awake under any circumstances.  It’s being funded by the US Military and the WMBA.

Jenna: Where do I sign up?
Dr. Spaceman: Oh please, we don’t want a paper trail.

Dr. Spaceman: Take 25 of these a day for the rest of your life.

Liz: Ok, I am going to jury duty, but I will by right back.  I got my Princess Leia outfit and some Playgirl magazines from the early 1980’s.  They will dismiss me immediately as a weirdo.

Kenneth: If no one’s in charge, who will yell at me for messing up the lunch order?
Frank: We all will, Kenneth.  We all will.
Kenneth: You guys are my best friends.

Tracy: There you are Liz Lemon.  Want to buy half a watch?  I have pay my fine in cash. I guess FCC stands for Federal Bunch of Sticklers!

Tracy: I learned that if you pay money after wards, you can say whatever you want on TV

Tracy: I’m off to appear on Martha Stewart Live.  Oh, it’s gonna be raunchy!

Jenna: Great news Liz!  I’m on a clinical trial for a military grade anti sleeping pill!
Liz: Of course you are.

Liz: I am not asking this as the boss you love to undermine, but as the friend who’s birthday you love to forget.
Jenna: Oops!
Liz: Just be normal sauce for like 2 hours!

Liz: And I don’t really think it’s fair for me to be in a jury because I’m a hologram.
Judge: You seem fine to me, report to Jury Room B.
Liz: Charles, what now?

Jack: Everyone shut up!  Shut up Lutz!

Jack: Most of the time has been spent focused on coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product.  Something that will appear to the marketing Holy Trinity: College students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Jack: Legal just informed me that the name we settled on for our bit sized microwave, the “biteNUKER” is highly offensive to those who speak either French or Dutch.  A Franco-Dutcman would pronounce it “Bet-nooker”
Sue: Hey!  That’s awful!

Jack: Starting today, you are all members of the Microwave division.
Josh: We should make t-shirts!
Jack: Yes.  And you’re in charge of that.

Jack: Remember, this isn’t TGS guys.  Let’s not shoot for the middle this time.

Jack: Uh, absolutely not!

Liz: [as Leia] Excuse me, Imperial Guard, how long do these Arson trials typically last?
Bailiff: Couple weeks probably.  You can drop the voice.
Liz: This use to get me out of jury duty in Chicago all the time.
Bailiff: This is not Chicago honey, look at these people.

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon, where are you?  The pig spore has hit the wind spinner.  Mr. Jordan cursed at Martha Stewart.  Ms. Maroney drank all the water out of the toilets.  And I keep trying to sneeze but nothing comes out!

Kenneth: Attention everyone!  All menstruating women go home immediately!

Dr. Spaceman: He’s been doing that for almost 8 hours Dr. Hickey.  You know what I like to do for 8 hours?  A TV Guide crossword puzzle.

Director: Ok, now let try one where you’re not clawing at the window.
Jenna: I don’t think so Steven, this feels more natural.

Liz: Where is everybody?
Jack: They’re all dead, Lemon.
Liz: What?!
Jack: They’re all dead unless they come up with a name for my pocket microwave.  They’re up in my office right now where there are fewer foosballs.

Liz: So who’s writing the show?
Jack: Now that you’re back I thought you could do it yourself.  How hard can it be?  Hey I’m rapping Obama!  Welcome to another episode of Robot-Bear Talk Show.  Hey I’m Josh doing an impression of DeNiro as an auctioneer.  Do I hear one thousand?  Do I hear one thousand?
Liz: Wow, that’s really good!
Jack: Jenna fills in time with a song.  Good night good night.  Mild applause.  You’ll be done in an hour.

Jack: Any ideas for microwave names?
Liz: Oh ok, um the Small Wonder?  The Micromate?  The Porta-Hottie?

Liz: Think about how you’re hurting the crew.
Tracy: I don’t want to hurt the crew.  I love the crew.  All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss Liz Le-.

Liz: Unless you know an advertiser that really wants to be associated with this, you need to stop.
Tracy: Great idea, Liz Lemon!
Liz: Wait, which part of what I said are you talking about.
Tracy: The first two thirds!  I don’t need to stop being myself if I am the advertiser!

Jonathan: Sir, Tracy Jordan from Tracy Co. called to invite you to a luncheon celebrating their new add campaign.

Jack: Legal rejected all of our ideas.  Everyone of the name we selected was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.
Frank: They knew what a Hot Richard was?

Jack: I’m going to pick some random letters from this bag of Scrabble tiles.  Let fate choose a name for us.  V.  A.  G.  …Why don’t we start over.  N… I… I have an idea why don’t I pull them all at once?  “HITLER.” Why don’t we take a break.

Defendant: And don’t even get me started about Tracy and Jenna!

Defendant: It was time for a new beginning.  And I knew that this was possible only through a cleansing fire.  It would all have to burn; the packing peanuts, the delivery slip.  All of it would dance in the warm mouth of my fire.  And a new better, wonderful me, would rise from the ashes like a Pheonix.  Behold!  The splendor of my being!
Prosecutor: I rest my case, your honor.

Tracy: I do not apologize America!  I did not even write that apology.  I am advertiser Tracy Jordan, and I approve this message.  I am an advertiser.   I am an advertiser.  That 30 seconds yet?

Dr. Spaceman: Professor Bananas is dead!

Kenneth: How are you feeling Ms. Maroney?
Jenna: Great!  Alert!  Hey, is your vision steadily narrowing down to a pin point as if the darkness is closing in on you?
Kenneth: No mam!
Jenna: *Growls!*

Dr. Spaceman:  JENNA NEEDS TO SLEEP OR SHE’S GOING TO DIE!  Which one of your is Jenna?!  Go to sleep!  Sleep!  Sleep Jenna!  For your own good!

Tracy: Hey America, check out my Funcooker! [moons camera]
Jack: Did he just say “Funcooker”?!
Kenneth: Oh, that’s where I heard that.

Liz: Go to commercial!  Go to commercial!  Go to commercial!
[Commercial]
Tracy: Hi!  I’m Tracy Jordan.  My wife is throwing away some of our old towels.  Do you want them?  Now that has got to be 30 seconds.  9?!  Alright, here comes the Funcooker!

Liz: I’ll be with you in a minute.
Tracy: Can we get some Diet Slice and some pita chips up in here?

Frank: 9AM Monday, right Liz?  I’ll be there with pants on.
Jenna: Hi girlfriend, let’s go out this weekend and talk about you.
Tracy: All I did was ask for some Diet Slice and some pita chips!
Dr. Spaceman: Nice try, Liz.  Now it’s my turn.

Jack: Lemon, we both had a rough week.  You went Fire Bug and I’m sitting on 4 million mini microwave that legal won’t let out of the warehouse.  I suggest we both go to our respective homes, open a bottle of wine, and heat up some ham in the shower.
Liz: It works in the shower?!  You know what?  This really is the best day ever!

Ratings: 6.43 million viewers (3.9/8 Share. 3.3/8 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #51

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