Originally Aired: April 30, 2009
Written by: John Riggi & Tina Fey
Directed by: Scott Ellis

Summary:

TRACY AND LIZ STOP RECEIVING PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT AND EXPERIENCE THE REALITY OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE EACH OTHER’S EQUAL.
After Liz reprimands Tracy in front of the “TGS” staff, he decides to straighten up his act and start acting like a professional. Once Tracy agrees to no longer receive any preferential treatment, he feels that Liz should give up certain privileges as well. Jack’s mother Colleen comes to visit revealing unpleasant memories about Jack’s father leaving the family. Jenna adopts a pet gibbon and learns the perils of motherhood.

Promotional Pictures: Coming Soon

Quotes:

Jenna: *Buzz* This is outrageous.  Especially after I was told I can’t leave during the day for my anger management stupid piece of AH!

Liz: How did this happen?  I had Grizz call him at 8:00 this morning and tell him it was 11.
Pete: I printed up that fake rehearsal schedule for him saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon.
Kenneth: Oh and I all his watches and clocks to saw PM when it’s AM.
Liz: Oh boy we may have over done it.
Tracy: What the hell time is it!

Tracy: I took my son to his cello recital this morning at what turned out to be midnight yesterday!

Tracy: What time is it really?
Pete: 2:45 PM.
Tracy: You’re a bunch of racists.
Liz: What? How did we jump to that already?
Tracy: You treat me like a child? No worse than that!  You treat me like one of those little pageant girls with the clip on teeth.

Tracy: You know what?  Race card!
Pete: No! Don’t accept it!

Liz: Hey Jack, just a head up, Tracy knows what time it is.
Jack: Damn it.

Liz: Colleen’s in town?  If you need a break I’ll be happy to take her out.  There’s a restaurant hostess in midtown I’d like to see cry.

Jack: 35 years ago, my father Jimmy Donaghy went out for a pack of cigarettes, came back, smoked one, told my mother he was leaving forever, and walked out the door.

Jack: He treated her like dirt all those years.  Coming and going.  Taking up with other women, including more than one Unitarian.

Jack: It’s the biggest regret of my life, Lemon.  And I once made love to Kathy Hilton.
Liz: Do you want a hug?
Jack: What is this, the Italian parliament?  No thank you.

Jonathan: Your mother had me move her from the Plaza to the Carlyle.  Evidently the concierge at the Plaza “has a beard” and she rather not get raped.

Pete: Tracy hasn’t come back yet, but he did send a Gibbon to rehearse in his place.

Dot Com: Tracy has asked us to read this prepared statement.  “Dear racist Liz Lemon.  This is how you treat me.  Like a white whiskered gibbon.  Put on this earth to do nothing but dance around for you entertainment and reduce the insect population of Malaysia.

Liz: I don’t know which of these five cell phone numbers he answers, but you get Tracy down here right now.
Pete: Why?  The gibbon is on time.  He knows his blocking.  And he doesn’t try to bite the dancers.

Liz: Oh my god!  Like we really have time for you to walk down the stairs that slowly.  Time jump!

Tracy: Don’t patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon.  We have a black President now.
Liz: What do you care?  You voted for Nader?

Liz: You want to be treated like everyone else?  Fantastic.  Then tomorrow I’m sending a regular town car for you instead of one of those duck tour boats.
Tracy: Fine.
Liz: And you’re no longer to point at women in cafeteria and yell “I want to get that pregnant!”

Tracy: Fine. But I’ll have the last laugh.
[Liz and Tracy laugh at each other]

Grizz: Beth, that was a big mistake you made.
Liz: Grizz, it was a year ago.  You’re engaged now.  Just drop it.

Grizz: I told you she would turn cold!  She’s an ice queen!

Colleen: No dinner.  We’re having breakfast in the morning, I told your girl.
Jack: My assistant is named Jonathan.
Colleen: Yes, I know, I met him.

Colleen: Paul lives in Florida.  He paints landscapes, and makes his own soda.

Grizz: I feel like we’re half ass-ing this.
[Sign: TAKE ME TO INDONESIA]

Jenna: Oh I didn’t know anyone was here.  That wasn’t me screaming in the bath room.

Kenneth: Oh don’t worry, once he tries to mate with a child, I’m sure animal control will just shoot it.

Jenna: I’m going to name him Little Jenna and let him live in my dressing room.

Jack: Have you ever been to Florida?  It’s basically a criminal population.  It’s America’s Australia.

Liz: You know some men like older women.
Jack: Let’s not make this about you.

Cerie: You know, this food area is always the first place I go to look for you.
Liz: Thank you, Cerie.

Liz: Tracy, you’re here already!
Tracy: Professional is my middle name.

Tracy: Everyone gather around!  Actor announcement!

Tracy: I feel parched from being so professional.  Could I trouble you for some water?

EPIC LIZ WATER CHANGING SCENE!

Jack: You uh, steaking out a cheating husband?
Len: No I’m taking a photography class.  Look at the way the sun hits the cobweb.

Jack:  What is he?  A check forger?  Real estate swindler?  Bird owner?

Len: Everyone’s got something to hide.  For instance I’m wearing a child’s Halloween costume under this.

Kenneth: Mam, this is a wild animal.  You can’t treat it like a person.
Jenna: No, he’s happy.  The costume his hiding his erection.
Kenneth: As a child I had a prized pig I thought was my best friend.  But then one day I picked up one of her piglets.  She went crazy.  She bit off my nutsack… that I kept tied around my waist to feed squirrels.

Frank: You don’t want us to hold back anymore?
Liz: I’m sorry.  We’re you guys holding back something?
Frank: Our farts to start with.

Lutz: I realized I’m never getting married because of gland thing, but I want to have a bachelor party.

Liz: Oh god what is that smell?  Oh dear lord Frank!  It’s like orange flavored egg.  It’s in my mouth!

Liz: Hey, Jack, do you treat me any different because I’m a woman?
Jack: Well I pay you a little less.  Yes.
Liz: I mean day to day, do you coddle me?
Jack: In some ways.  In a man I can be more direct.  But with you I have to have a conversation, talk things through more…
Liz: Give me an example.
Jack: Well… uh… right now comes to mind.

Jack: I have an opportunity here, Lemon.  “A chance to go back to the past to put things right that once went wrong.”
Liz: That’s the Quantum Leap intro.

Jack: I’m finally going to stand up for Colleen.  The small part of her that is still human deserves it.

Jack: Now what I originally wrote for my father may be dated.  Who would be our current Nikita Khruschev?
Liz: Simon Cowell?

Kenneth: Now you’re standing on the very spot where Gracie Allen took Jack Parr’s virginity.

Jenna: It is unnatural… for a grandmother to look this good!  Little Jenna had a baby last night!
Crowd: Aww.
Jenna: Thank you!

Tracy: You coming Liz Lemon?  Because a dude boss would be jerk if he didn’t come to Lutz’s bachelor party.  Also a dude boss would pay for it.
Liz: Yeah.  I’m coming.  Of course I’m coming… But you’re not!
Tracy: Twist!

Liz: Let’s go see some naked daughters and moms!

Paul: Oh hello Jack.  I’m sorry your mothers out shopping.
Jack: I know.  My credit card company called to confirm my purchase of a book entitled “Intercourse after hip surgery.”

Paul: I’m just watching the hotel channel.  You can check out on the tv!
Jack: I bet you can, you son of a bitch.

Jack: I am tired of watching you treat my mother like this.  I’m not afraid of you.  You’re just a big bully, like Simon Cowell.  That’s right!  I just called you a communist.

Colleen: It’s Florida Jack!  It’s like it never stopped being the 70’s down there.  And a guy like Paul, who can drive at night?  You just don’t saw no to that!

Colleen: One night he went out to move the car and he was gone from the spring of ’57 until one night he just showed up out of the blue.  “Put your shoes one Colleen, we’re going to see Some Like it Hot!”

Colleen: Paul!  You’re on your own tonight.  I have a date with my son!  He’s taking me out to a late dinner.
Jack: It’s 6:00.

Liz: Ok, which one of us is going to give up first!?
Tracy: The black one!  I can’t take it anymore.  I hate it!
Liz: One of the strippers took Lutz’s shit.  That gland thing is no joke!

Tracy: We upset the natural order!  You’re going to strip clubs.  I’m up writing all night.
Jenna: Look who’s a sailor!
Tracy: Monkeys are dressing up as people and monkeys are playing with people as toys!

Jenna: You’re foot fingers are so strong!

Liz: Hey, before you hear crazy rumors and start believing them, the gibbon did not attack Jenna.  He was trying to mate with her face.
Jack: What?
Liz: Nothing!  Everyone’s fine!

Liz: 1959?  Boy it would have been fun to write back then.  You could get away with crazy plot twists because audiences were so much less sophisticated.

Jack: Jimmy Donaghy’s not my father!
Liz: Twist!

Ratings: 5.95 million viewers (3.3/6 Share. 2.9/7 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #60

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3.21 – Mama Mia»