Originally Aired: May 7, 2009
Written by: Ron Weiner
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary:

LIZ AND TRACY CONVINCE JACK TO BEGIN THE SEARCH FOR HIS REAL FATHER.
With encouragement from Liz and Tracy, Jack begins a search for his real father. When Tracy introduces his newly discovered illegitimate son to his friends at “TGS,” Liz and Pete question the son’s intentions. Meanwhile, Jenna and Liz fight for the spotlight when Jenna gets recognition for one of Liz’s ideas.

Promotional Pictures: Coming Soon

Quotes:

Jenna: If your man leaves in boxers and comes home in briefs, that’s a deal breaker ladies!  If he wears an Atlanta Falcons jersey to your sister’s wedding…
Jack: That’s a deal breaker ladies!

Liz: Really? You’re going to do the repressed Irish ting?  Be Italian for just like one second.  [Italian accent] “I’m Jack.  I don’t know who my father is.  I’m so emotional.  I’m going to smash these barrels!

Jack: You know what family means to me Lemon?  Resentment.  Guilt.  Anger.  Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.

Jack: Not Colleen, she had her reason for keeping this from me for 50 years, and I don’t want her to regret it.  Also I want something real juicy to whisper to her on her death bed.

Liz:  Look, Jack, I don’t have a personal life experience.  But if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn’t see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down.  And then his mood level will drop, until he pees himself.

Jack: Why don’t I have any other friends?

Tracy: Come on in, Jack, I’m just practicing sitting.

Jack: Tracy, why did you never try to find your father?
Tracy: Because he’s dead.
Jack: How do you know that?
Tracy: Because I’m rich, and if that man were alive, he’d be living in my pool house and I’d be paying $200,000 a year to mow my lawn.

Tracy: It feels like you’re not telling me something, Jack.  Let me guess.  You bought a side car for your motorcycle and your dog won’t stay it?

Jack: That’s easy for you to say.
Tracy: No it wasn’t.  I struggled through that sentence.

Jenna: And you know who else loves “Deal Breaker?” Brett Michaels.  We have the same publicist and she said he’d love to come here dress in the same outfit and do it with me. And also he wants to be on the show!

Jenna: This is it!  This is the defining thing of my life.  This is going to be that hit and run.

Tracy: Everyone gather around, actor announcement.  No.  Human announcement.  There’s something I want you all to hear directly from me before you read about it next months issue of Black Entrepreneur and Butts magazine.  I have an illegitimate son.
Liz:  Feigned Surprise!

Tracy: I want you bastards to meet my bastard.

Len: Thanks for meeting me here.
Jack: This is my office.
Len: I know.  But once I’m in the building I can get into the cafeteria.  And that means free ice.

Len: I was surprised when you called me about finding your father.  Especially since you called me on the old home line.  It hasn’t been ringing much since Marcia left.  I guess in the divorce settlement she got all our friends.  I gave my gun to my pastor.  You know, in case I get the old gloomies again.

Len: I’ll give you some privacy.  [Closes Eyes]

Liz: I do have a hard time telling ages with black… [sees Toofer] …shoes are the best kind of shoes.

Toofer: How old do you think I am?
Liz: 25.
Pete: 50.
Toofer: I am 33.  How old do you think Samuel L Jackson is?
Liz: 50.
Pete: 25.
Toofer: Mr. Jackson is 61.

Liz: Maybe Donald is Tracy’s son because Tracy is 60.
Pete: No that’s ridiculous.
Liz: Think about it.  He can’t rap.  He has diabetes.  A lot of his friends are dead.
Pete: He falls asleep in chairs.  He doesn’t know how to use the computer.  He’s always mad the TV.
Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.
Liz: He might be 70.
Pete: Or he’s getting scammed.

Liz: I don’t get it there’s 3 names on here?
Jack: Without hard DNA evidence, Len was only able to narrow my fathers identity down to these three men.
Liz: Mama Mia!  It’s a Mama Mia!
Jack: What?
Liz: Nothing!  Don’t push it Liz.  Let it happen.  There’s going to be a Mama Mia!

Liz: We could trick them into coming here.  And then we’ll sing on the dock!
Jack: What are you talking about?
Liz: It’s Mama Mia!  The international film songsation.  Based on the Jukebox musical.  The songs of ABBA!  It’s a movie Jack!  Can we just watch it real quick?

Jack: Alright, you get them here, I’ll meet with them.  But that’s all I’m promising.
Liz: And all I’m promising is a madcap musical romp.  Dot dot dot.  Fun! Dot dot dot.  Good!  That was on the poster.

Liz: Hey Tracy, you’re 39, right?
Tracy: Of course.  Why would I lie about my age.  I’m in the entertainment industry.
Pete: Right.

Kenneth: [singing] It takes two to make a thing go right.  It takes two to make it out of site.

Donald: I’m 21.  Right dad?
Tracy: Yes you are son.  That’s what that birth certificate you printed out for me said.

Donald: Do you have that check for me?
Tracy: Of course.  And I left the amount blank, just like you asked.  Donald’s opening a Dojo.

Liz: Jack, this is George Park.  He’s Korean.
Jack: Oh ok!  Welcome Mr. Park.
Liz: And this is Fred O’Dwire.  Mr. O’Dwire tell Jack that story you were telling me in the elevator.
Fred: In world war two a Kraut grenade exploded my genitals.
Liz: [Explosion]
Jack: So no children, right?
Fred: Not a chance.  Looks like a bowl of Spaghetti O’s down there.

Pete: Oh Jenna has photo shoot for Time Out magazine.
Liz: For what?
Pete: Oh nothing.  They’re just going to name here the funniest woman in New York.
Liz: Oh, what time do they need me there to make her seem funny?

Liz: Yeah, we write them “together.”  She texts her gay friends while I write till 4 in the morning, eating dry fistfuls of Raisin Bran to stay awake.  Which by the way is how I’m able to ride the fart train to work every day.

Liz: I like it when you use your calm reasonable dad voice.  That’s the voice you should use when you tell Jenna that I’m going to be in that magazine with her.

Liz: What 21 year old wraps up half a muffin?

Donald: Hey, Kenny.
Kenneth: Well hello, stranger.
Donald: Do you like magazines?
Kenneth: I do like S&M magazines.  S&M is my abbreviation for “Super and Magical.”
Donald: Good… cause I’m selling magazine subscriptions to benefit the uh…community center.  How many do you want?
Kenneth: 4!
Donald: Great!  That’s like… 80 dollars!

Pete: No you can’t get someone else’s birth certificate.  I know because I’ve been trying to steal my dead neighbor’s identity because sometimes it feels like too much and maybe daddy just needs to get in a car and drive.

Jack: So gentlemen, is there any history of mental illness in your family?
Fred: Oh don’t get me started.  My cousin killed everyone at his job.

Jack: Green.  That’s sort of a vague name, do you meet a lot of other Greens at your church… Christmas?
Milton: We’re agnostic secular humanists.
Jack: Sure, but if you had to pick…

Milton: Is that you and Tom Delay?
Jack: Uh, yes The Hammer is a hero of mine.
Milton: [Scoffs]
Jack: I’m sorry, did you just snort at our former House Majority Leaders?
Milton: He was never my House Majority Leader.
Jack: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Milton: Here’s Tom Delay’s legacy to the United States: Raping the environment, waging and illegal war…
Jack: History will validate the liberation of Iraq.
Milton: I was talking about the war on drugs.

Milton: I will not be spoken to this way.  I’m a contest winner.  And a professor at Bennington College.
Jack: Oh oh Bennington!  How’s the going, teaching all those kids who couldn’t get into Middlebury?

Hairdresser: Ugh, I’m gonna get some tape.

Liz: I know this kind of thing is all that you have in your life.
Jenna: Awww…

 Jenna: Just open your mouth a little and try to look like Lindsay Lohan.

Photographer: Now Jenna catch the chicken.
Jenna: Nice try, pal.  Not my first time on the Merry-go-round, chief.  Not gonna do it.  Staying like this, serious and horny.

Photographer: Now act like the chicken farted!

Lutz: Front kick.  Front Kick!

Lutz: Pete!  Liz!  I see you!  Help!  Mommy’s baby!  Help mommy’s baby!

Liz: He’s just like you.  He’s smart and worldly and he’s really good at making fun of my shoes.  When he saw these, he asked me when my cult was committing suicide.

Liz: So you have a couple drinks, fight about politics, and then you take it personally when he doesn’t agree with you.  That’s called having a dad.

Jack: Thank you.  My hair just dries like this.

Liz: I am right.  One of those two things is going to happen.  There’s no weird 3^rd thing.
Jack: Thank you Liz.  By the way did the medical supply store where you bought those shoes have any men’s stuff?

Liz: Donald obviously knows karate.  We still don’t know how old any African Americans are.
Cerie: That reminds me, I got the birth certificate you asked for.
Liz: You did? How?
Cerie: The guy at the place just gave it to me.
Liz: You will get old someday!

Tracy: I may hug people to hard and get lost in malls, but I’m not an idiot.

Liz: The dojo is real?
Tracy: And the community center is thriving!  Did you know that Kenneth’s 80 dollars bought a chess set and a crate of condoms?
Liz: Those kids are really lucky.

Donald: Hey, daddy, do you want to go uptown and see the dojo?  Or should I saw the Tracy Jordan institute for Black Karate?

Liz: Oh boy, they went with birthing the chicken on the toilet.

Jack: Kenneth, I’d like to speak with Mr. Green for a moment.
Kenneth: And as head of this tour, I’m going to deny your request.
[Cut to Jack and Milton in Jack’s office]

Milton: She rented me a room when I was a graduate student.  And one month I couldn’t pay and she said maybe there was something else I could give her… So I gave her my radio.  The a couple of weeks later we got drunk and had sex.

Milton: Oh boy what, is this contest some sort of Mama Mia thing?

Milton: You opened a whole new chapter in my life.
Jack: Yeah isn’t it amazing.
Milton: Oh you don’t know the half of it!  I need a kidney!

Ratings: 6.13 million viewers (3.8/6 Share. 2.9/8 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #54

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