3.22 – Kidney Now
Originally Aired: May 14, 2009
Written by: Jack Burditt & Robert Carlock
Directed by: Don Scardino
SEASON THREE FINALE: MILTON’S (GUEST STAR ALAN ALDA) HEALTH IS AT RISK, WHILE LIZ (TINA FEY) ENJOYS NEW FOUND FAME AS A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT. SHERRI SHEPHERD, SHERYL CROW, MARY J. BLIGE, ELVIS COSTELLO, CLAY AIKEN, ADAM LEVINE GUEST STAR WITH OTHER SURPRISE MUSICAL GUESTS.
As Jack (Alec Baldwin) begins to build a relationship with his biological father, Milton’s (Alda) health hangs in the balance. Despite Liz’s (Fey) relationship track record, she draws public attention as a relationship expert after a talk show appearance. Meanwhile, Tracy’s (Tracy Morgan) high school invites him to speak at graduation and Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) must help him overcome embarrassing memories from his high school experience. Jane Krakowski and Katrina Bowden also star.
Promotional Pictures: High Quality
Jack: Lemon, do you know what the kidney does?
Liz: Of course. I was a kidney in my 5th grade school play. [Singing] Oh I’m a kidney. … … The other kidney is singing now.
Green who’s writing a three volume biography of Jimmy Carter, and if I give him a kidney he could live to finish it. Milton
Jack: Since Giuliani left it’s gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs.
Jack: I need your help.
Liz: [singing] The brain helps you make decisions…
Liz: [singing] And the colon pushes out…
Jack: Ok that’s not helpful.
Jenna: So NBC is making me go on the Vontella Show to promote TGS.
Liz: Ugh that show is the worst.
Jenna: I know. I swore I’d never go on again after that one time.
Jenna: We get paid to make each other laugh.
Vontella: Jenna, meet your half sister Courtney!
Courtney: Give me my man back you bitch!
Liz: Remember the other time you were on?
Woman: And I was all like, “talk to the hand.”
Dontella: Jenna, Come on out.
Jenna: You give me back my man, bitch!
Liz: Can’t we just keep doing magazines?
Dr. Spaceman: Now kidney transplantation is no laughing matter. So I apologize. [laughs] Kidney’s just such a funny word.
: This is isn’t correct doctor. I’m not giving him a kidney, it’s the other way around. Milton
Dr. Spaceman: Oh brother. Are you sure?
Jack: If anyone is giving anyone a kidney at all. Who knows?
Dr. Spaceman: You know what, I’ll just remember it’s the opposite of what they say.
: I’d really be more comfortable if you rewrote the forms. Milton
Dr. Spaceman: No I’ll remember. Opposite! Opposite! Opposite!
: Without a kidney I’m going to die. Milton
Dr. Spaceman: [laughs] I think it’s the hard K sound that’s making me giggle. Kidney!
, exciting news. Your old high school wants you to speak at graduation. And they said you can drop up to 5 F-bombs! Jordan
Tracy: A drug dealer named , he ruled that school. He wanted me to find a snitch called Baby. Campbell wanted me to cut him open. Campbell
Kenneth: Oh my, that’s very urban!
was actually Mr. Campbell, his science teacher. Campbell
Kenneth: His science teacher was a drug dealer? That’s terrible. Science was my most favorite subject. Especially the Old Testament.
Dot Com: He wasn’t a drug dealer.
Tracydropped out of high school because he wanted to dissect a frog. Tracy couldn’t do it. He cried in front of the whole class. Tracy
Grizz: It was bad. I had to deny ever being friends.
Kenneth: Just like Peter did to Jesus in science.
Jenna: [In sketch] If you boyfriend calls out his brother’s name during sex. That’s a deal breakers lady!
Vontella: That skit was Crazy!
Jenna: That actually happened to Liz.
Vontella: Vontella don’t care who Liz is. Jenna, we have a surprise for you.
Jenna: [takes off her hearings] I swear to god, Courtney I will rip your wig off!
Vontella: No hunny, Courtney’s dead.
Woman: This guy I’m dating owns a tanning salon, but he won’t let me tan for free, but he lets girls that he friends with tan for free, bo I go to this other tanning salon down the street to try not to make it a thing, but you know how there’s no secrets in the tanning salon community? So what should I do?
Jenna: Um… I don’t know. Liz?
Liz: Oh boy, well what ever that was, that’s a deal breaker. Cause this guy is making you talk like a crazy person. You have sexually transmitted crazy mouth. Deal breaker.
Woman: My fiance and I keep arguing about our wedding plans…
Liz: Nope! Your fiance is gay. Look at him. Look at you. Classic Fruit Blindness.
Vontella: Fruit Blindness!?
Liz: Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman?
Man: One time in college. … and a lot since then.
Woman: My boyfriend has been acting really weird ever since he got promoted at his job.
Liz: Yeah he thinks he deserves a va-jayjay upgrade. He doesn’t. He’s not Tom Brady. Shut it down. Deal Breaker!
Liz: Yeah there’s no such thing as bisexual. That’s just something they invented in the 90’s to sell hair products. Deal Breaker.
Liz: Only one snake in the bed. Deal Breaker.
. I know Mr. Campbell wasn’t a drug dealer. Jordan
: Yes he was. Tracy
Kenneth: I know he was your science teacher.
: No he wasn’t. Tracy
Kenneth: And I know he didn’t ask you to cut up Baby, he asked you to cut up a frog.
: What frog? Tracy
Kenneth: And I know you couldn’t do it. And you cried.
: When have I ever cried? Tracy
Kenneth: And that’s why you left school. Because you were ashamed.
: It’s true! There is no baby. I was chicken! I was chicken! Tracy
: A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show. [That’s a M*A*S*H reference ] Milton
: Where I come from, street cried is everything. That’s why when I left that school in shame. I vowed never to cry again. Tracy
[Tracy Crying montage]
: I’ve changed into a badass adult. I have a wolf dog. I have two bad knees. And a gun… that I lost! Tracy
Milton: I have get back to . I owe my publishers a chapter of “From Peanut to President.” Bennington
Jack: The Donaghys do not talk. We let things fester until they erupt in inappropriate anger. Preferable during a wedding or elementary school graduation.
: Well the Greens are talkers and huggers. [Hugs Jack] Sorry Jack, I should never have put you in this position. Milton
Jack: Or this one.
Jack: We can go to a Yankee game. I have great seats in the section between the players’ wives and the players’ mistresses. But I don’t go on bat days.
: Remember Carlton Fisk’s home run in ’75 series? Milton
Jack: That’s this ball?
: No a ball he fouled off in the 3rd inning. Milton
: Jack, we’re having a catch! Milton
Jack: Don’t ruin it
: Just like Jimmy and Chip Carter! Milton
Jack: Did you hear what I said?
: We called him Mean Steve. But his real name was Steven Killer. Tracy
Kenneth: Does seeing him in this menial job make you think about anything?
: Well if a Bad Ass OG like that can get stuck delivering food, how did I get out? Tracy
Kenneth: Because you’re not a bad BLEEP OG. You’re a sensitive artist. You’re different. And isn’t that a message those kids at your old high school should hear?
: You’re right they should. 5 F-bombs, right? Tracy
Dr. Spaceman: Now in laymen’s terms, what do you think that means?
Jack: I don’t know. Could I give this guy a kidney or not?
Dr. Spaceman: Due to negative blood tissue match. Kidney transplant is not recommended. Damn is this written in Greek?!
Dr. Spaceman: I was really looking forward to putting your father’s kidney in you.
Jack: The other way around, Leo.
Dr. Spaceman: That’s not what these form say.
Jack: Lemon, I’m giving Milton Green a kidney.
Liz: You’re a match!?
Jack: No I’m not.
Liz: Then where are you going to get a kidney from?
Jack: I don’t know. But I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barak Obama and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina.
Jenna: You should do a celebrity concert. Like that gig I did to benefit old gays.
Jack: Yes. A benefit concert like We Are the World. Or Weird Al’s less successful parody benefit, We Are the Pizza. Tell Pete to start building a set.
Liz: Wait a minute we have to do this?
Jack: Well you’ve found a way to do your day job and be on Vontella. Great job by the way. I haven’t seen that many riled up dirt bags since CVS put the cold medicine behind the counter.
Liz: I’m not sure I’m qualified to give relationship advice.
Jack: You’re not. Suburban 7th graders have more sexual experience than you do.
Jack: Make the most of this opportunity. After all how many years does TGS have left?
Liz: I dunno. 20?
Jack: What do you think this is? Wings? You’ve got 2 more year, at best.
Liz: “Get yours.” I like that. Can I use that as one of my catchphrases?
Jack: Sorry, Leo Spaceman is using it as the title of his new sex book for couples.
Jack: That you all for coming here on such short notice.
Clay Aiken: No problem, I just had my driver drop me off.
Elvis Costello: So how come I saw you getting off the subway?
Clay Aiken: What were you doing down there?
Mary J Blige: My Mary J Blige foundation is celebrating it’s 10th year of searching for the Locke Ness Monster.
Jack: Elvis, haven’t you said that a song reaches just one person, you’ve done your job?
Elvis Costello: No. I never said that.
Jack: Ok let’s cut to the chase. MJ, you owe me. Who got you out of that 20 year exclusive performance contract at Sea World? Who got Aiken, you cousin Kenneth Parcell already promised me you’d do this. And Elvis, or should I say Decklan McMannis, international art thief?!
Elvis Costello: Ok Jack Donaghy
Cerie: Also Pete and Tracy’s wives are in your office. Paula is Pete’s wife and Angie is the black one…
Liz: Ok Cerie, I got it.
Angie: Dr. Liz, we need some advice from the Deal Breaker lady.
Liz: I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I know you and I know your husbands.
Angie: I just found out that
has a secret credit card I didn’t know anything about. Tracy
Liz: Not on my watch, biotch.
Angie: And he’s been using that credit card to pay for a hotel room her in
two days a week. New York
Liz: S that D. Shut it down. Deal breaker.
Paula: Pete is refusing to drive to my parent’s place for just two weeks of family vacation.
Liz: No to the way to the jose. But Paula, talk it out before you walk it out.
Sue: And I’m here in
while he’s back in Hoglaundavine. New York
Liz: Long distance is the wrong distance Sue. Deal breaker!
Jenna: Mickey Rourke wants to take me camping!
Liz: Deal breaker, Jenna! God!
Cerie: And I haven’t seen my fiancé in 7 months.
Liz: Cerie I have 2 words for you: Robot warning. Ok that catch phrase needs a little work. Deal Breaker.
: I almost didn’t make it here this afternoon. But then a very special friend of mine showed me the way. So I’d like to take a moment to thank Victor Cordova at the Sonoco station on Tracy Linux Avenue.
Tracy: Just be yourself and I guarantee you every single person in this room will one day be President of the ! United States
, I have a special surprise for you. Tracy
: Ok, but I’m allergic to horses. Tracy
Principal: It is my pleasure to award you this honorary diploma.
: [Cries] Tracy
Sheryl Crow: I’m in. I think it will be fun. I actually played a kidney in my 5th grade school play. With this looser.
Adam Lavine: I’m in, but when Costello’s not looking I’m gonna punch him in the back of the head.
Jack: Fair enough.
Jenna: Hey Jack, are you doing my musical benefit idea? Because I’d love to be…
Jack: Uh no. It didn’t work out. You know my musical friends. Rocus and Chandele?
Sheryl Crow: Alo.
Adam Lavine: Pleased to meet.
Liz: I’m meeting a book agent about writing a “Deal Breaker” book. He’s going to take me to lunch where ever I want to go. Do you know if there’s a sit down Quizno’s in Midtown?
Pete: Liz Lemon, you dumb bitch.
Pete: Here’s the reason I don’t want to go to on that family vacation. It’s a working farm. And I’m the only one whose hands are big enough to guide the bull during mating.
Liz: Yeah well, deal breaker.
Pete: Shut up!
: There you are you stupid cracker. You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace! No kids banging on the door. No phones ringing. It’s my time. Every Tuesday and Thursday at 3 PM. I don’t know why I only go twice a week. That’s what Angie should be worried about! Tracy
: Pete, how am I going to live? I only have 300 million dollars. Tracy
: I’ve never seen anything like this. And I was in We are the Pizza. Milton
: High school graduate! You know what this means, Grizz, Dot Com, Ken? We’re going to college! Tracy
Kenneth: And so began the craziest summer of my life.
: How’d you say that without moving your mouth? Tracy
Kenneth: Say what?
Jack: Lemon, how are you?
Liz: You know what, I’m good. I’ve got a book deal, a free sandwich in my pocket, and this weird loose feeling in my shoulders. What is that?
Jack: It’s either happiness or osteoporosis.
Liz: Oh my god Sheryl Crow. We were best friends in elementary school! [Waves] Hi Sheryl!
Liz: We sure had quite a year.
Jack: What are you talking about? It’s May.
Ratings: 5.695 million viewers (3.4/5 Share. 2.8/7 in the demo.) Weekly Rank: #63
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