Originally Aired: October 22th, 2009
Written by: Robert Carlcok
Directed by: Beth McCarthy Miller

Summary: DEVIN (GUEST STAR WILL ARNETT) RETURNS TO SEEK REVENGE ON JACK (ALEC BALDWIN). — When Devin (guest star Will Arnett) returns to plot revenge against Jack (Alec Baldwin), he needs to find a way to protect the company and his job’s safety. Meanwhile, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) both have reason to be angry with Liz (Tina Fey) and are determined to make her life miserable. Liz has to find a way to regain order over her life and the show. Outside of the studio, Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) devotes some of his spare time to volunteering at an animal shelter. Judah Friedlander and Keith Powell also star. (NBC).

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Book Cover: From Peanut to President. By Milton Green.
Book Cover: The Cigarette Diet. By Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Book Cover: dealbreakers – a girl’s guide to shutting it down” by liz lemon.

Liz: I wrote that! I’m Liz Lemon! [Reading] If your man is over 30 and still wears a nametag to work, that’s a deal breaker!” But not you, Mike! That’s not you. Mike, leave my cutout alone! Ok you know I’m going to do the same thing to your cutout! Oh wait you don’t have one because you’re nobody. Ow! Blamo! Another successful interaction with a man!

Liz: Hey if you’re going to DC, I lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip.

Liz: I wanted to give you a copy of my book. They used your blurb.
Jack: [Reading] Liz Lemon is numbered among my employees.

Jack: Ever since these buffoons from Detroit took private planes, the rest of us have to put on a show. And now, your president, who by the way is a Kenyan and smokes cigarettes, has created an industry task force for microwaves and small appliances.

Jack: The American love affair with the microwave oven has cooled since its post-war heyday.
Singer: [Singing] Angie told her daddy that she was doing the microwave. Do the Microwave. Lalalala.. Do the Microwave. Waba daba waba daba.
Liz: Did that happen?

Jack: Now, where was the last place you remember having your retainer.
Liz: I took it out to eat astronaut ice cream at the Air and Space Museum.
Jack: [Writing] Air and Space…

Frank: If your man collects action figures, that’s a dealbreaker?
Liz: What? Oh yeah.
Frank: Last week I picked up this girl after practicing Jedi moves in Prospect Park…
Liz: Also a deal breaker.
Frank: Took her back to my house on the handle bars of my bike…
Liz: As is that.
Frank: Snuck her inside past my mom…
Liz: Wow that’s four.
Frank: She sees my mint condition Hellboy figurines…
Liz: Five.
Frank: And started quoting your dumb book!

Lutz: Also my girlfriend is mad… in Canada.

Kenneth: Would it be aright if I only worked 20 hours today?
Liz: Of course, I didn’t know you did volunteer work.
Kenneth: I also help out at the pants for zoo animals, and Big Brother.
Liz: I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.
Kenneth: Big Brother isn’t affiliated with the mentoring program. It’s a secret organization that watches people and makes sure they’re behaving properly.

Jenna: Liz, I don’t know if you saw the craw on the TV Guide channel, but I have agreed to star in a sexy supernatural thriller in the vein of Twilight and True Blood.
Liz: Oh, that’s good! Vampire movies are hot right now.
Jenna: But this is actually a werewolf picture that for tax reasons is shooting in Iceland. I play a moon scientist who’s trying to get to the bottom of things. And who, spoiler alert: May herself be a werewolf.

Jenna: Punish you? Please, Liz. I’ve just always wanted to shoot a student werewolf movie, in Iceland, where I’m filling in for Victoria Beckham.

Tracy: Liz Lemon, you booger face. I’m going to kill you with a bazooka!

Tracy: A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Jack: This will take 10 minutes. Lets hit the Meadow lands racetrack on the way home. I’ve got a betting system based on horse penis size.

Devon: Bum bum bum.

Devon: Is it true, Mr. Donaghy, that your executives routinely use company helicopters to dry their home tennis courts?
Jack: Yes. And no. Yes that didn’t happen, no that didn’t not happen.
Devon: And that GE kept a party clown on retainer with a six figure salary?
Jack: Silly Willy’s fees was advertized over all birthdays company wide.
Devon: I’ve been told that company money is being gambled at racetracks.
Jack: Yes but I have a system.
Devon: In 2007, a GE officer used company funds to throw a Cabaret themed Halloween party on Fire Island?
Jack: As I recall that was you.

Jack: Why do you have a gravel? This isn’t the Congress.
Devon: I brought it from home!

Tracy: Instead of going to a hotel or my houseboat which I can not find, I’m staying with the woman that started this mess in the first place.

Tracy: There’s a garbage back in the hall with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef.

Kenneth: I never even had a dog because, as my mother would say, “you can’t eat love.” And as my mom’s friend Ron would say, “The donkey died. You’re the donkey now, Kenneth.”

Kenneth: Yup, just another animal… might as well be a rat… an adorable rat… who shows you it’s ok to be scared during a thunderstorm. Why it seems crazy to me that you’d even give a dog like this a name… for example Bandit. And that ones Reggi. And up there’s Digger.
Shetler Worker: The one with red tags are scheduled to be put down today.
Kenneth: I will adopt all of them!

Devon: Revenge is a dish best served cold, like sashimi, or pizza.
Jack: You prefer cold pizza?
Devon: The morning after, it’s the best.
Jack: Better than hot pizza? That’s insane!
Devon: You don’t tell me what kind of pizza to like!

Devon: I knew I had to align myself with something more powerful than GE. Since American Idol is not up till January. That’ left the United States government.

Devon: Oh my god Malia. He did not say that. Let’s text him now.

Devon: After the election I could’ve had any ambassadorship I wanted. Even to the world’s gayest country, Ireland.

Jack: What kind of gun was that?
Devon: It’s a laser gun. It’s unstoppable.
Jack: Listen to me, Banks. Keep your spray tanned little hands off this country.

Devon: Ooops. Someone must have weakd it.
Jack: You did! You weaked it!

Jack: Think of the pensions, the employees, the kittens we use to test microwave strength.

Jack: I’ll make this company so fast the only headline will be “Donaghy saves GE, Marries your Mom.”

Devon: See you in a couple days, Jack. [shoots laser gun]
Jack: Laser shield.

Tracy: Tracy and Liz’s residence. Tracy speaking.

Jenna: Night Stalkers has encountered some production speed bumps that are complicating my schedule.
Liz: Well I need you back by Friday, what kind of speed bumps?
Jenna: Iceland appears to have a different sun than America, because this one is not setting.

Jenna: You might not know this because you’ve never played a moon scientist, but werewolves only come out at night.
Liz: Yes, I remember that from the Thriller video.
Tracy: Too soon.

Tracy: What’s wrong roomie?
Liz: Well two of my workers are driving me insane so I’m going to kill them in their sleep tonight.
[Epic Laugh Off]

Jack: Ok. As a single woman, would you be more likely to but a microwave if it can be programmed to ask about your day? Before you answer, consider your loneliness.

Tracy: Now that we’re all up, can we talk about the elephant in the room?
Liz: No I don’t even know why you bought that thing.

Sign: Volunteers Needed. To adopt a Dog! It’s God backwards!
Tracy: I’ll take all of them!

Pete: And like children, you can’t reason with them when their upset. All you can do is turn the heat up, turn the heat up, poor some whisky in their juice, and wait for seep to save you.
Liz: Well that’s not going to work for me, because Jenna is immune to whisky and Tracy is afraid of juice.
Pete: Oh and not to add to your problems, but Paula read your book. [Shoves Liz]

Jack: Lutz, try to stop mouth breathing for one minute.

Jack: All Denish and I need from you is one idea that is good as the light bulb.

Frank: It’s kind of annoying when you’re trying to microwave a burrito, burrito won’t rotate because it’s too big. It just gets caught up against the sides. And and the tray under it rotates but it doesn’t rotate.

Toofer: What if microwaves broke down more easily so people would have to buy new ones more often.
Jack: Yes. Shottier, excellent. Bigger and not as well made.
Pete: Wow that sounds like the philosophy that almost destroyed the US auto industry.

Jack: We’re GE, dammit. And were going to make a giant flimsy microwave.

Jack: Forget it. Four smaller doors.
Toofer: Yes! We’ll crack this yet.
Jack: Wheel! But wheels on it.

Jenna: Great day everyone! You guys are the real stars.

Jack: Since I have neither the time nor the energy to even pretend that your situation is a real problem, I will cut the baby in half.
Tracy: And I will take the top half, for that’s the part with the face.

Liz: Tracy will own my life story. No what are you going to do with my life story?
Tracy: Something humiliating.

Jenna: Night Stalkers is taking a brief permanent hiatus.

Jenna: No it’s not acting out. I have mercury poisoning from obsessively taking my rectal temperature.

Jack: Lets get rid of the oven and replace it with an AM FM radio. Ok. It’s a car. We invented the Pontiac Aztec .

Liz: Roomie, did you order pay per view at my apartment?
Tracy: I’m willing to go splitzies.
Liz: No I’m not paying for this. You ordered six adult movies in 2 days. The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt. Lovely. Im a do us. What does that even mean?
Tracy: That’s a pun on Amadus, dummy!

Liz: I need you to build a set that looks like my apartment and get all the hand sanitizer you can find.
Pete: Wait, why do you need?
Liz: Tracy’s producing a prono based on my life. And I’m writing it.

Devon: A whimper indeed, Jack. I only came by to wish you new luck on your adventure. What do you think that will be? Selling weed to NYU students.

Devon: Thanks for letting me be a big part of you hitting rock bottom.

Devon: Again, what?
Jack: Sure maybe you’ll ruin my career, maybe you’ll never see my again. But if you had forced me to take government bale out money. You’d be my boss.
Devon: [gasp!] Oh my. You’d have to come back to Washington to report to me. Like a little school boy. Your hand sticky from candy.

Devon: You’d have to take it. I’d make you. I’d make you take it all.
Jack: I’d roll over and let you give it to me.
Devon: I’m honestly not trying to make this sound gay.
Jack: No one is this is just happening.
Devon: One word to the president and I own you. I own this office. I’d own that fancy little fellow outside.

Devon: Hey, Sasha, is your dad home?

Jenna: Oh Liz, thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.

Liz: My retainer! Now my dad won’t be mad at me!

Porn Jack: Lemon, it’s Wednesday. But it’s not all bad news.
Porn Liz: My retainer! How will I ever thank you?

Tracy: Aaaand cut. This is disgusting. Shut it down.

Ratings: 6.841 Million Viewers. 4.1/6 Share. 3.3/8 in the demo.

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4.03 – Stone Mountain»