Originally Aired: October 29th, 2009
Written by: John Riggi
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: LIZ (TINA FEY) AND JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) TRAVEL SOUTH TO SCOUT “ALL AMERICAN” TALENT. BETTY WHITE AND VENTRILOQUIST JEFF DUNHAM GUEST STAR.
Liz (Tina Fey) and Jack (Alec Baldwin) venture down south to Kenneth’s (Jack McBrayer) hometown to discover new talent. Jenna (Jane Krakowski) tries to make friends with the writers to solidify her place at “TGS” before the new cast member is hired. Meanwhile, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) fears for his life when two celebrities die and he believes he’s the next to bite the dust. Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander and Keith Powell also star. (NBC).

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Jack: Now remind me, did you just do the Philadelphia cotillion or did you also happen to debut internationally?
Liz: I’m happy to say that I don’t even get that.

Liz: I had to give up my window seat to some seven year old that had to sit next to her precious mommy.

Liz: I saw a few good alternative comics in San Francisco.
Jack: San Francisco? I asked you to find an actor from Middle America, a real person. You’re not going to find him in the People’s Gaypublic of Drugofornia.
Liz: Geez, relax, I’m also setting up auditions in Toronto…
Jack: Canada? Why not just go to Iraq.

Jack: The television audience doesn’t want elitist, east-coast, alternative, intellectual, left-winged…
Liz: Jack, just say Jewish, this is taking forever.

Liz: What a dumb… oh no he’s really hurt.

Frank: Fred Dockins, the incredibly overweight guy that Pac Man was based on died last night.
Tracy: I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

Tracy: Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween or Princeton’s parent weekend. I don’t know whether to be scared of proud of my cousin.
Kenneth: It’s Halloween, sir.
Tracy: Proud it is.

Kenneth: At least he died, doing what he loved, blogging on the Huffington Post.

Tracy: This is going to be the scariest Princeton parent’s weekend ever!

Jenna: Hey, I read your rewrite. [burns script] Start over you hack!

Jenna: I’m not going to be pushed aside or forgotten. Like that time at my sisters funeral.

Jenna: I don’t really remember the Brady Bunch because I was too young.

Kenneth: I wasn’t sure if you’re participating in this year’s pumpkin carving contests, or if like last year I should ‘go jump up my own ass.’
Jack: Same as last year.

Kenneth: When the Parcells first came to America, they lived in a town called SexCriminalBoat. You think that’s Cherokee?

Jack: What makes you laugh?
Kenneth: The usual I suppose. Two hobos sharing a bean. Lady airline pilots.

Kenneth: My whole family would go down to the chuckle hut.
Jack: That’s the local comedy club?
Kenneth: Oh no sir. It’s a chuckle hut. See the “chuckle” is the part of the big between the tail and the anus. But at night the chuckle hut becomes the Laugh Factory. And that’s a comedy club.

Jack: Lemon, cancel your trip to Toronto. We’re going to Stone Mountain, Georgia.
Liz: After these messages?

Woman: Hey, I work across the street and I saw you guys are having a Halloween party.
Frank: Yeah, we are.
Woman: Could you close your blinds? You’re

Frank: Guys, we can’t give up on Halloween! It’s a magical night where women dress slutty and drink too much. Where we can hide our bodies in bulky costumes. We’ve got to keep trying!

Jenna: Hey writers! I baked you cookies!

Tracy: I have to go somewhere where nothing will happen to me. Can you get me on Charlie Rose?
Jack: The rule of threes is a myth. It doesn’t exist. Like going bald with dignity.

Jenna: So this all started when their plane crashed?
Toofer: That’s Lost.
Jenna: Oh right. You know, I met JJ Abrams once. I don’t know what this means, but he said the island is just Hurley’s dream.

Jenna: Oh wow, they painted the ceiling in here.

Liz: For the 80^th time. No part of America is more American than any other part.

Liz: There are plenty of core American values in New York. But there are not restaurants called Fatty Fat’s Sandwich Ranch. Turn here. Turn Here!

Jack: Lemon, if this is going to play out like lunch, I suggest you crack your window now and save yourself the embarrassment in 20 minutes.

Liz: Can I share with you my world view?
Jack: I’d rather hear you sing Rock of Man again.
Liz: All of human kind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.
Jack: What a surprise your world view is food based.

Tracy: Keep refreshing, maybe Andy Dick has died in the last 20 seconds.

Betty White: Hello?
Tracy: Boo!
Betty White: Who is this?
Tracy: Hey Betty, it’s TJ.
Betty White: Tracy! I haven’t seen you since that rapping grandma movie we did. You were so funny as the rapping grandma.

Tracy: So how are you feeling? Any arm pain? Shortness of breath? Plans to investigate corruption in Russia?

Betty White: Nice try Jordan. But I will be at your funeral. I will burry you!

Liz: This carp sandwich is not agreeing with my world views.

Clerk: You all have a beagle with you?
Liz: Just give us our rooms!

Jack: Tell me about the Peach Festival.
Clerk: They got peach preserves of course…peach pie… peach wine… peach jerky… peach butter…
Jack: I have to apologize. You know what they should do with people like her. They should round them up and put them on an island. Oh wait they have it’s called Manhattan.
Clerk: Down here we call it SexCriminalBoat.

Jenna: Hey Frank. Do you know Sasha, Michael, and Gay Michael?
Sasha: Can I ask you a question? …Why?

Frank: How can a guy in a midriff top dominate me like that?

Cerie: I mean, I’m engaged, but not on Halloween.

Frank: We need to pretend to be Jenna’s friends for the next 24 hours. She’s our gay ticket to a gay Halloween.

Lutz: How come when Jenna suggests it everyone’s on board?

Frank: Ergo, if we’re Jenna’s friends.
Lutz: Gay guys!
Toofer: Hot girls!
Lutz: Hot girls!

Liz: God, are you doing this to me because I took that blind guys hot dog?

Liz: [reading] Peppy Bismilk? Why is everything a little different here! I hate it!
Jack: Hate it? Hate Travis Hoggle? Choir member. Desert Storm veteran. Father of three. I made that all up but you get my point.

Pumpkin: Rick, what’s the difference between your girlfriend and your truck?
Rick: Your truck don’t yell at you every time you get gas!

Sasha: A party… with them?
Jenna: Oh don’t look at me like I’m a football game.

Sasha: Girl. I don’t even have the energy to tell you what’s happening here so read my face.

Jenna: [Gasps] Oh my god! They’re using me to get invited to gay Halloween to meet hot girls.

News Anchor: In metro news, Marry Hilton is going to Gapknee for the weekend and hopes that Martha or Stephanie will water her plants.
Liz: Very small town.

New Anchor: In entertainment news, local funnyman and soap shop owner Rick Wayne has been hired by a Catholic to appear on TGS with a black fella.

Liz: Stop calling them simple. You’re the prejudice one. Sure some of these people are simple. But some of them are smart like Matlock. Or wholesome like Ellie May Clampett. And some of them are skivvy dirt bags like the Dukes of Hazard, driving around like maniacs, children use those roads. My points is Americans are the same everywhere, in that we are all different.

Jack: Do you know what I did this morning? Assisted in the birth of a fowl. They named it Jack. And it was delicious.

Jack: Good god Lemon, your breath. When did you find time to eat a diaper you found on the beach.

Tracy: You look clean. You a celebrity?
Jimmy Fallon: I have my own show on NBC.
Tracy: No. Celebrity.
Jimmy Fallon: I was once in a movie with Queen Latifa once.
Tracy: Perfect. I’ll show you a short cut.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan! Are you trying to kill Mr. Fallon with that hammer?
Jimmy Fallon: What the hell! Is a Rule of Threes thing?

Jimmy Fallon: Truce! Truce! Ok! But if some celebrity doesn’t die soon, I’m going to kill my first guest tonight. It’s a dog who plays soccer.
Kenneth: Really? That’s your first guest?

Pete: Oh my god you’re going to heckle him. Like that time I invited you to see my cover band.
Liz: Yeah, and today the world is better off without the Pete Hornberger Allen Parsons Project Project.

Cerie: You guys I’m so excited. I already put on my costume. Don’t you get it, I’m an Italian senator.

Jenna: I want two good sketches a week, a promise to hate the new cast member, and no more making fun of me when I use dated cultural references. Ok? Are we Cowabunga on this?
Frank: We’re Cowabunga.
Jenna: Good. And if I wake up in any of your apartments tomorrow morning, you will buy me breakfast.

Rick: I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was filthy thin lipped hooker night here at the Laugh Factory.
Liz: Ok, I underestimated you.
Pumpkin: Knock knock!
Rick: Who’s there?
Pumpkin: A ferret faced skank.

Pumpkin: I don’t go down to where you work and stop them from milking you.
Jack: I’m sorry but that’s enough sir, you’re out of line.
Pumpkin: I’ll tell you what’s out of line. Your old ladies knockers. I wouldn’t bleep you with Elmo’s bleep.

Jack: You’re terrible. You’re all terrible, just like the people in New York!
Liz: All god’s children are terrible.

Pumpkin: You ever find smaller heads orbiting your head?
Jack: Is that a comment about the size of my head? I’m a tall man and it’s proportional too my frame.
Pumpkin: Your frame? What are they building there? A super Wal-mart?

Kenneth: Pumpkin, the Western Georgia’s most beloved ventriloquist doll died.
Tracy: That’s three! Tell me wife I went to Philadelphia on business!

Ratings: 6.100 Million viewers. 3.7/6 Share. 3.1/8 in the demo.

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4.04 - Audition Day»