Originally Aired: November 5th, 2009
Written by: Matthew Hubbard
Directed by: Beth McCarthy-Miller

Summary: SCHEMING ENSUES ON AUDITION DAY WHEN EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET THE ACTOR OF THEIR CHOICE HIRED. BRIAN WILLIAMS GUEST STARS
While Liz (Tina Fey) and Pete (Scott Adsit) try to rig the audition process, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) decide it’s in their best interest to conduct their own search for a new “TGS” actor. Amidst the audition chaos, Jack (Alec Baldwin) faces a more personal issue. Jack McBrayer, Judah Friedlander and Keith Powell also star.

Promotional Pictures: Coming Soon!

Quotes:

Liz: 8 cities, 40 comics, 1 slap fight with a TSA agent. I’m done. Jayden’s the one.

Liz: Who are the decoys we will be using for the audition?
Pete: Middle aged female comic with a bolo tie, a one man band who only plays Halloween music, and Australia’s Jackie Mason.

Liz: You’ve never been on the other side of this, Pete. Auditioning is hard; so much rejection.
[Flashback]
Liz: Elizabeth Lemon. I’m represented by Susanne’s B+ Talent. My carpets need a deep clean…
Director: Next!

Pete: You are making this guy’s dreams come true. At your age, it’s probably be the last time you ever make a man happy.
Jack: [laughs] That’s true. Liz is old.

Jack: I’m already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.
Liz: Come on guys. These are people up here, with feelings, and mothers who worry about them.

Jack: Lemon stop right there. You are on top of the pyramid. TGS is the smaller pyramid, which never the less will one day be your tomb. You can’t let emotions distract you from making decisions about the slaves who built the pyramid which again will one day be your tomb.

Jack: In ten years, this will all be the size of a microchip. Until then, you’re in charge. Think like a robot. Be logical and dispassionate.

Jack: That’s what I’m talking about. Human empathy, it’s as useless as the Winter Olympics… this February on NBC.

Tracy: Jennifer M, why are you so worked up?
Jenna: Because it’s going to be a disaster, like Katrina. Do you remember Katrina? That crazy girl from hair and make up.

Tracy: I will get on stage and people will laugh even when I forget my… um… my… line?
Grizz: Lines.
Tracy: Lines.

Tracy: Oh yeah I forgot, Dot Com. You know everything about acting because you played a bird in some stupid school play.
Dot Com: Yes, Tracy. I was Trigorin in The Seagull on the Weslyan Art Space Mainstage.

Jenna: What’s on that paper?
Kenneth: Ms. Lemon did say keep this away from Jenna. She may have meant that Jenna that works downstairs at that luggage store… So I’m going to give it to you!

Kenneth: Oh my sir. It looks like you got a bad case of the Chew Daddies. Ozark Kisses. The Woodsman Companion? Bed bugs. They’re a big problem in New York.
Jack: I don’t have bed bugs, Kenneth. I went to Princeton.
Kenneth: Sir, anyone can get them. Back in Stone Mountain even the mayor had bed bugs. And she…was a horse.

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy’s got Blue Ridge Quilt Ticklers. Oh sorry, bed bugs.
Breckman: Bed bus? Can’t those live in your clothes?
Kenneth: That’s true, Mr. Donaghy. The mayor had to burn all her pant suits.

Liz: What’s up Dot Com?
Dot Com: The great Uta Hagen once said… is why I’d like to audition for TGS. Walter you idiot, you lost a card.

Jenna: Liz, I need to speak with you. Beat it Grizz or Dot Com.

Jenna: I saw the audition list.
Liz: What?! I told Kenneth… luggage store Jenna…
Jenna: What are our options besides Jayden Michael Tyler?
Liz: A… lot of good people.
Jenna: You’re setting him up to get it. You don’t think I know that trick? You don’t think I’ve been brought in on a million auditions just to make Kim Cattrall seem human and grounded?

Jenna: I know him Liz. We did a play together. And we were best friends. Until he betrayed me.
[Flashback]
Jayden: Hey Jenna, congratulations on your nomination… for worst supporting bra!
Liz: What play is that?

Liz: This process is painful enough without you adding your crazy to it.
Jenna: Too late! I’m getting that hot feeling in my head!

Dot Com: Hey mom, it’s Walter. I’m just calling to tell you they canceled the audition so maybe pray on something else.
Liz: You can audition!
Dot Com: I’ll need a piano.

Jonathan: It’s Cisco equipment sir. It’s almost better than being here.

Breckman: You like the Cisco equipment?
Jack: Of course it continues to be the gold standard by which all business technology is judged. Cisco: The Human Network.
Breckman: This is what happens when you live north of 62^nd Street.
Jack: You think I didn’t hear that? I can hear your hair growing on this thing!

Jack: Did you just mute me!? Did you just use Cisco’s cutting edge sure mute technology to mute me!?

Jack: I’m going to come to your house and crawl in your bed and then I’m going to bite you on the ass, you hear me!?
Pete: What do you mean Dot Com is auditioning? How dumb are you? Is there anything in there?

Pete: The more people you add, the less effective it is. Like a neighborhood dad garage band.
Liz: Come on it’s just Dot Com.
Pete: It won’t be, because this is what you’re doing.
Liz: I’m driving a bus?
Pete: No… you’re opening the flood gates.
Liz: With a horizontal wheel?
Pete: Flood gate wheels are horizontal!

Frank: Hey what the Frack, nerds?! Pete told me you were only looking at outside people. Now Dot Com’s auditioning?
Liz: Frank, I know you’re a stand up, but…
Frank: No but, I want in. And I’m not changing my act to fit your stupid show.

Brian Williams: Liz! There you are. I heard about this whole Dot Com thing. I’m not saying I want to audition, but Mickey Monorulo from Scotch Plains New Jersey might be interested. Hey forget about it.

Jenna: Pete and Liz want to hire this guy Jayden. He’s evil, Tracy!
Tracy: He’s evil Tracy?! Oh he’s evil coma Tracy.

Tracy: Dot Com! Oh no. I once saw that guy become Trigorin, at the Weslyan Art Space. That guy’s good.

Jonathan: Until you get this bed bug situation fixed, they don’t want you to use the company car. In fact they suggested you take [cries]… a taxi cab.

Taxi Driver: Why you scratching? You have Mugabe’s concubine. No!

Jack: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry bother you. My name is Jack, and I have bed bugs. I’m not a drug addict. I’m an executive with the General Electric corporation and I just need to get my medicine. If someone could transfer to the Four Train, I would be very grateful to you for your help. God bless you and have a good day.
[Moonvest sighting!]

Pete: Happy?
Liz: No. Not since I was a child.

Pete: Did you know the Australian Jackie Mason was chemically castrated by his government?

Jayden: So this is my competition? Huh?
[Kathy tackles him]
Liz: No! Bad!

Liz: My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.

Liz: This may be a train wreck, but that is the body we need to pull out of it.

Jenna: If you are a funny gay man, please get into the car.
Tracy: I repeat. All funny gays into the car!
Man: I’m not gay. I’m Bi-larious!

Jenna: Black people, I know I’ve said some terrible things about you in print. But I come here today to in a mission of piece.
Tracy: We need the funniest fool here to step forward.

Grizz: Good luck on your audition. You’re going to get it.
Dot Com: Don’t jinx me.
Grizz: Walter, you’re going to get it. I made you something.
Dot Com: It’s a seagull!

Jack: I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I don’t think you did, sir. I’ve just got the one pair and I sleep in them.

Jack: Nobody will look at me let alone touch me. But you will, won’t you? Make me feel human again. Embrace me, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I’ve got… a thing.

Kenneth: [Speaking Latin] You speak Latin? Then you understand. The safety of the people is the highest law.

Jenna: These are some actors we found driving all over this amazing vibrant city.
Tracy: And this is a reimbursement form for my gas. I drove a million miles.

Jenna: Just call anyone he’s ever worked with.
Liz: I did. I called every one of his references and they are impressive. A commercial with Martin Scorsese. An off Broadway play with Christopher Walken. He’s even studying the Meisner Technique with Sir Gilbert Gottfried. And they all said the same thing.
[Flashback]
Martin Scorsese: Alright let me tell you one thing about Jayden. I love Jayden.
Christopher Walken: I love Jayden!
Gilbert Gottfried: I love Jayden!

Tracy: Was describing your sandwich necessary to our understanding of what happened?

Liz: The Hornberger system will prevail.
Jenna: Think again Liz, the Hornberger system will devail! Is that the opposite of prevail?

Jenna: I hoped it wouldn’t come to this. But now I have to ruin Jayden psychologically.
Tracy: Tell me more.
Jenna: I’m going to walk up to him and say the four most vicious words you can say to a person you already met. “Nice to meet you.”
Tracy: And that freaks people out, huh? This is a learning and a friendship adventure.

Jack: Why are you being so cold and dispassionate?
Liz: What? Because you told me to.
Jack: And you just blindly do whatever I say? What are you a robot?
Liz: You also told me to be a robot what is going on with you?
Jack: I have bed bugs. And these bed bugs have chewed the blinders off my eyes.

Frank: Frank Rossitano. Queens. New York. Yes. Dreams can come true. So, last weekend I was at the mall but then I went to the beach. [Beep] with my niece’s friend. Then I [Beep] at the pool party.

Janitor: For my first character, I’d like to do a old janitor who’s finally had enough and stabs everybody.

Jenna: Hello, I’m Jenna Maroney.
Jayden: Hi, I’m Jayden. Nice to meet you.
Jenna: How dare you pretend you don’t remember me! I’m the one who doesn’t remember you!

Josh: Josh Girard. Former TGS cast member. And some movie work that didn’t pan out. Then my agent dropped me. Then a web short where they made me do guy-guy stuff. Oh god forgive me. I call this character Smelly Belly.

Toofer: Good evening we are Laugh of the Mochicans.
Lutz: Our first bit is the Hamburgler.

Brian Williams: Have you ever wondered what happens in the refrigerator after the light goes off. Does the milk say “let’s go down to the crisper drawer and make trouble?” I don’t know. Forget about it!

Kathy Geiss: [Pulling a Susan Boyle] I dreamed that love will never die. I dreamed that God would be forgiving!

Jayden: Hi, I’m Jayden Michael Tyler. My first piece will a dinner party at Martin Scorcese’s house with Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried.
Liz: Son of a bitch!

Liz: I was talking to you on the phone wasn’t I?
Jayden: What?
Liz: [Doing a Christopher Walken impression] Give. It up. I figured out. Your game.

Jayden: You’re giving me the job no matter what. Because your fingerprints are all over my camera.
Liz: So?
Jayden: You said you’d only hire me if I’d let you take pictures of my genitals.
Liz: Oh no! What is wrong with them?

Jayden: Would a crazy person laugh like this. [Crazy Laugh]

Jack: [to robot] You can use the regular elevator around the corner. You’re the one who’s human here.

Liz: I’m sorry I doubted you. It’s just you’ve never been right before. About anything.
Jenna: I know.

Tracy: My two cents, I like the janitor.

Jack: I had never been to an audition before. It was upsetting, grotesque carnival of human misery.
Liz: To be fair I did not think Kathy Geiss was going to finish her song by taking off her underpants.

Jack: Your job is to manage the crazy and bring out the talent.

Jack: We’re hiring the robot.
Liz: The robot is the guy that you like. And you think he’s the best… because?
Jack: Because he was the only one of them. The only person in New York who would shake the hand of a man with bed bugs. Lemon we’re not just hiring an actor. We’re hiring a co-worker a human being. And I say we hire the one who lives by the Code of the Robot: Care. Love. Live.

Ratings: 6.147 Million Viewers.  3.7/6 Share.  3.0/8 in the demo.

«4.03 - Stone Mountain

4.05 - The Problem Solvers»