Originally Aired: November 12th, 2009
Written by: Ron Weiner
Directed by: John Riggi

Summary:
IT’S THE BIG DAY! THE “TGS” CREW ANXIOUSLY AWAITS THE ARRIVAL OF THE NEW CAST MEMBER. CHEYENNE JACKSON GUEST STARS. The new actor starts work at “TGS,” and after observing how low maintenance he is, Tracy and Jenna begin to rethink how they treat Kenneth. Meanwhile, Jack offers Liz her own talk show, but Jenna convinces her to explore all of her options first

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Jack: Lemon, I was Beijing this weekend buying a reality show format where criminals try to dance their way to freedom.
Liz: [Speaking Chinese] “Prision Breakdance.” Sure.
Jack: I also bough this: a Chine knockoff off your book.
Liz: Dealbreaker: The book for you man no good. By Lesbian Yellow Sour Fruit.

Liz: We don’t know anything about him. I don’t think his real name is “Party Bot.”

Jack: Lemon, what did you once say to me about acting?
Liz: Just hit your marks. Stay in your light. And do the same thing every take for continuity.
[Cut back to Liz now wearing a scarf and drinking soda.]

Jack: Lemon, do you have any plans for dinner tonight?
Liz: I do! I bought an Activia microwaveable Panini.

Tracy: I hope the new dude isn’t impossible to work with like someone I know.
Toofer: I hope he’s educated.
Frank: I hope he hates Toofer.
Janitor: I hope he likes janitor hugs.

Cerie: Oh no is that the new guy?
Lutz: What? No it’s me, Lutz. I worked here for 3 years. Gave you that car I won.

Danny: Oh Hey, I’m Jack Baker. So I guess there’s two Jack’s here now.
Jack: I don’t think there are. Welcome aboard… Danny!
Liz: Hi Danny, I’m Liz.

Janitor: He looks like all the guys in my magazines.

Danny: This is unbelievable. Last week I was just a street performer making 50 bucks a day and getting memory loss from all the silver paint fumes. And now I’m… um…
Liz: You’re on TGS.

Danny: I haven’t done any real acting since that high school football movie back in Ottawa.
Liz: You’re Canadian?
[Flashback]
Danny: Alright Hosiers! I want all 12 of us fighting for every meter on all 3 downs. We’re gonna make this a Boxing Day the Prime Minister will never forget!

Liz: Ok here’s one. You can have the powers of Superman for an entire year, but you can only have one sexual partner for the rest of your life.
Jack: Two question: Must I live by Superman’s moral code and will the sex woman get older?
Liz: Yes and yes.
Jack: Forget it. No deal.

Jack: I don’t want your sleeve to catch on fire.
Liz: Why would my sleeve catch on fire? [Reaches for Jack’s desert] You know me well sir.
Jack: I often know what you’re going to do next.
Liz & Jack: What am I going to do next?

Jack: There’s interest in a Dealbreakers talk show with you hosting.
Liz: Spit take! Are you serious?!

Liz & Jack: I knew you would say yes, Lemon.

Tracy: Liz Lemon you are blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.

Jenna: Do you remember when I was first starting out and I signed that 10 year contract with karaoke company? [Jenna’s karaoke video]

Tracy: When I first got big I made bad business decisions too. Which is how I got stuck having to plug Wade Boggs Carpet World five times whenever I appear on screen.
Liz: You have to plug what?
Tracy: Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World. Wade Boggs Carpet World.

Tracy: He knows your special like a black stripper with blue eyes.

Tracy: On last piece of advice, Liz Lemon, from someone who’s been on this side of the business for a long time: Wade Boggs Carpet World.
Jenna: That was actually good advice!

Kenneth: I feel about as useless as a mom’s college degree.

Jack: The guy who came up with this thing for Arsenio Hall, wants to create a signature arm gesture for our talk show. I was thinking of something like this [arm gesture] Uh uh! Uh uh! Uh uh!

Liz: Raise your hand if you’re cool with what’s happening… Not too late to raise your hand…

Liz: Do I look ok?
Cerie: That’s exactly how you look.

Liz: You’re an agent?
Simon: Junior agent. Full disclosure, up till now I’ve only represent dogs. But seeing how we’re both embarking on a new phase in our career. Performing. Representing humans and monkeys.

Liz: Oh yeah he’s the guy that produces that dumb sports show that always beats us.
Simon: You’re talking about Sports Shouting. [Sports Shouting]

Simon: I don’t know him. But a former client of mine once buried a bone in his back yard. We go looking for that bone, it’s like oh Mr. Shofar what’s up? My client has an idea for a new talk show. [hiccups] Oh no I got the hiccups.
Jenna: Danny, around here we’re known as The Problem Solvers.
Tracy: Always have been, always will be.

Tracy: It’s not about the room, Danny. It’s about the man. Any room you see around here with a door, you make it your bathroom.

Jenna: You’re an actor now. You’re special. And taking advantage of Kenneth is part of it. It’s what he’s here for.
Danny: Look, I’m just trying to keep my head down and suppress me Canadian accent. I’m not aboot to… Aboot… Abowt.

Jenna: Oh don’t worry, Kenneth loves being our slave.

Jenna: So what if Kenneth’s bitter, he’s an under human.

Cerie: Liz here are today’s press clippings. Women’s health magazine gave us a D-.

Liz: Son of a bitch! [marches to Jack] Sheinhardt Universal announces production of a Dealbreakers talk show? What the what, Jack!?

Liz: And you think you can just replace me?
Jack: Of course not, we can do better. We’ve already talked to Padma Lakshmi.
Liz: Then who’s going to host Top Chef?! You are ruining my life!

Jack: We could just do the show with you, but that door is closing.
Liz: Close it. You think you can bull me like this. Well you don’t know me.
Jack & Liz: Two can play at this game, Jack.

Tracy: Ken, you don’t want to be a page forever.
Kenneth: [intensely] Who said I’ve been alive forever?

Kenneth: So I guess my dream would be to one day run the network. Just kidding. There won’t be a network. But whatever people are watching, I want to be in charge of it.

Jack: I’ll tell you everything you need to know, Danny. Never do business with a friend. Never be friends with a woman. And loose the leather bracelet.

Jack: Pete, I have a problem, I need your help.
Pete: Oh! My kid got hit by a car!

Tracy: Hey Jackie D. What’s wrong? You’re not your usual giggly self.
Jenna: If you have a problem, you found the right people.

Jack: Ok I have a problem. It needs to be communicated to Lemon that if she wants to play business, I’m more than happy to play with her. But as she saw earlier today, Business Jack does not play gentle.
Jenna: Are you as turned on as I am right now?
[Tracy nods]

Jenna: [looks at Solvers, The Problem t-shirts.] Wait hang on. Our T-shirts are wrong. Do you want to switch where we’re standing or switch our T-shirts.
Tracy: Just to be safe, let’s do both.

Liz: Really? He said “crawled back?”
Tracy: You’re not really capturing the sexual energy of it, but that was the message.
Jenna: So problem solved?
Liz: I haven’t even begun to problem.

Jack: Would either of you care for a drink?
Liz: No.
Simon: Do you have drinkable yogurt?

Jack: Simon, we’re both men of the world.
Simon: Yeah, I’ve seen some bras.

Jack: NBC employs 80% of your agencies clients between Are You Stronger Than a Dog and I’m a Celebrity Dog, Get Me Out Arf Here.

Liz: Come one Jack, why are you being such a Wang about this?!
Jack: I’ll take that as a compliment. And Wang, the founder of Wang Computers is one the greatest businessmen of the 20^th century. And you’re the one being a lower case wang, Lemon.

Jack: I didn’t get a bathroom door that looks like part of a wall by being bad at business.

Liz: I’ve got all kinds of meetings lined up. Big meetings.
Simon: Really? With who?
Liz: Dammit Simon!

Liz: You were right about Jack.
Jenna: He’s in love with me?

Tracy: I’m a frequent guest on Sports Shouting. [Tracy on SS just shouting]

Jenna: Scotty Shofar? I know that name. What does he look like?
Tracy: I dunno, all white people look the same to me, Pete.
Jenna: Oh my God! Scotty Shofar was my assistant on Trivial Pursuit: The Movie. I was horrible to him. And now he’s actually successful? What if I get called into an audition and he recognized me, even with all the changes to my face… that have happened naturally.

Tracy: The future is like a Japanese game show, you have no idea what’s going on.

Kenneth: Ms. Maroney, your Mexican diet pills came. Should I start taking them to test the side effects?

Kenneth: Yes… embrace your anger.
Danny: What?! Of all the weirdoes I’ve met around here, you’re the worst. With your creepy Don Knots face, that ridiculous Hitler youth haircut.
Kenneth: Excellent. What about your chin?
Danny: What about your chins, Kenneth?! I’ve seen bigger chins on a premature baby!
Kenneth: Mr. Baker. You just made me feel terrible. And you said the word “about” correctly. Congratulations. You’re an actor!

Tracy: That was aboot the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.
Kenneth: How long have you been there?
Jenna: A few minutes.
Tracy: 9 hours.

Jenna: Kenneth’s the best!
Tracy: He knows what I want before I do.
Kenneth: [holding up Pizza box] Who’s hungry?
Tracy: I wanted waffles.
[Opens box of waffles.]
All: Yay!

Liz: So. You can have all the powers of Superman for an entire year, but…
Agent: Superman? I’ve don’t hot Yoga with Tom Welling and Dean Kane and I don’t think they’re right for this.

Agent: [on phone] Just meeting with this dealbreakers lady. I don’t know regular six, drunk seven.

Padma: Men always tell me I’m very funny. Have you heard this one? Knock Knock…
Jack: [laughs]

Padma: I invented this new bag that you put around a sandwich to keep it fresh. But it’s clear so you still get the full visual of the sandwich.
Jack: So it’s a sandwich bag?
Padma: No Jack. It’s a new thing that I invented.

Agent: I have to take this. It’s Brooke Hogan. [Answers phone.] What’s up you tall drink of bitch?!

Padma: If I could do this stead I wouldn’t be so grouchy and exhausted all the time. My clothes wouldn’t have food stains all over them. I could actually find a balance between my work and being a mommy. This would change my life, Jack.
Jack: It would. It would change your life.
Padma: So let’s do this.
Jack: No.
Padma: What?
Jack: I don’t want to change your life. I want to change Lemon’s life. I’m sorry.
Padma: This business is so hard! Not really I’m kidding.

Jack: Lemon.
Liz: Jack.
Jack: I was wrong. It’s you. It’s always been you. I want to do business with you, Lemon.
Liz: I’d like that.

Tracy: Do you have a problem?
Jenna & Tracy: Then call The Problem… solvers..
Tracy: Taxes got you down? Wasps in your crawl space?
Jenna: Term paper blues? Migrating implants?
Jenna & Tracy: Call The Problem Solvers!
Tracy: Cause after all, what’s a problem but an opportunity disguised as a stripper having a seizure on your boat? Mouse in your House?
Jenna: Or need a cheap flight to Tuscan?
Jenna & Tracy: We are the Problem…Solvers.

Ratings: 6.00 Million Viewers. 3.5/5 Share.   3.0/7 in the Demo.

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