Originally Aired: November 19th, 2009
Written by: Josh Siegal & Dylan Morgan
Directed by: Gail Mancuso

Summary:
LIZ (TINA FEY) FINDS HERSELF IN A REAL ESTATE DILEMMA AND TURNS TO JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) FOR ADVICE. NATHAN CORDDRY AND CHRIS PARNELL GUEST STAR
When Liz’s (Tina Fey) apartment building is converted to condos she has to make a drastic change to her living arrangements. Meanwhile, Jack (Alec Baldwin) and Tracy (Tracy Morgan) reevaluate their plans for parenthood and Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) is on a mission to make “TGS” greener during NBC’s annual “Green Week.” Jane Krakowski, Judah Friedlander and Keith Powell also star. (NBC)

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Quotes:

Real Estate Agent: Oh the cleaning lady’s here. [To Liz] Please come back later. No Polish.

Aerobics Instructor: Jack will tell you what to do next.
Liz: What?

Headline: Memoirs of a Geiss-Ha!
Jack: As I’m sure you’ve concluded from the headline, Don Geiss’s estranged son Bertrum is suing his half sister Kathy for control of the Geiss family trust fund.
Liz: They could have done “Geiss Screams Son Pay!” You know like “ice cream sundae.”

Jack: Don Geiss is my hero, my mentor. Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking; he invented that.
Liz: I don’t think.

Jack: Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational segway. Talk about your thing now.

Jack: Well now I have something better than a family: a walk in humidor, a lap pool, and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born.

Jack: Make him an offer he can’t refuse. Trade mark 1974. Don Geiss.

Jack: With Manhattan real estate there are no rules. It’s like check in at an Italian airport

Liz: Oh my god Frank! Were going to pee in the jar?
Frank: I didn’t know anyone was here.
Liz: That’s what you use the jars for? You told me that was Sun Tea!
Frank: Some of them are Sun Tea and some of them were Sun Tea.

Toofer: We have a gentlemen’s agreement. He has the jars an in return he has agreed to let a Yale sweatshirt use our designated fart dampener.

Liz: What would it be like if Cerie, and Sue and I weren’t here?
Toofer: [??? Help?]
Frank: I’d take my pants off and eat chicken wings.
Liz: Shut it down!

Reporter: After the deposition, Kathy Geiss’s lawyer had this rebuttal.
Teddy Ruxpin: My name is Teddy Ruxpin. Can you and I be friends?

Jack: Kenneth, I have a task for you.
Kenneth: Is it menial?!

Kenneth: “Global Warming” sir? I’m sorry but that’s just a bunch of scientist talk. The same people who’d have you believe that my great grandfather was a monkey. If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?
Jack: You’re preaching to the choir, Kenneth. I mean I love the earth. I have these rare kadaba(?) blossoms flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a privet jet. That’s the definition of Green.

Jack: What have children ever done for us?
Kenneth: Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

Kenneth: I’ll do it if you insist sir. But I’m going to be grumpy until the end of this sentence!

Brian: The guy above me offered me 10 grand to move out.
Liz: That’s… a lot. Hides $100 bill.

Liz: Is that a working fireplace?!
Brian: Yeah but it’s kind of annoying. I can’t shut the flue. So the apartment smells like Burger King all day and Cinnebon all night.
Liz: [Gasps.]

Brian: I can’t afford to stay here on my own. And based on your shoes and teeth I’m guessing you can’t either.

Brian: You’d have to give up your place because this is the two bedroom.
Liz: There’s two of them!? [Faints]

Liz: I’m going to pretend to move in with Brian, some how drive him out, then buy both places and make my dream apartment.
Jenna: Wow! That sounds like something I’d come up with if I were smarter.
Liz: I know, I’m terrible. But Brian sucks. He doesn’t have a TV and he wears political T-shirts.

Jenna: Don’t feel guilty for a second. This is Manhattan real estate. There are no rules. Like check in at an Italian sex party.

Jenna: You know how long I’ve been waiting for the lady next
Mrs Gerstein: Oh… my heart… It’s getting stronger everyday!
Jenna: Oh you ancient bitch!

Jenna: Remember that horrible roommate you had in Chicago?
Liz: You mean you?
[Flashback]
Jenna: [Screaming] I know it’s my turn to do the dishes. But I’m in character, and if you make me do the dishes, I will kill myself!

Jenna: I’m going to teach you how to be a drama queen. And if I fail…[screaming] I’m going to take a bunch of pills and it’s going to be your fault!

Liz: Our topical cold open is about Omarosa borrowing Bjork’s Swan dress.

Jack: Tracy Jr.?! To what do we owe this visit?
Tracy: It’s take your black kid to work day.

Tracy: I thought having a family would be like The Cosby Show. Oh no Vanessa went to a concert. Oh no Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes! The Cosby Show was a lie.

Tracy: I have this strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It is disgusting! But I can’t cause I got this little D bag here.
Tracy Jr.: I know what that means.
Tracy: And yet you won’t tell me.

Tracy Jr.: It’s not that simple. What if a girl tries to trap you like Nicole tried to do me on the band trip? Bitches can be tricky!

Tracy: He’s gone. So my story. So I’m at a strip club with Charles Barkley and one of the hobbits.
Tracy Jr.: Hey daddy.
Tracy: Dammit!

Jenna: Kenneth, I’m going my kegels right now. What is it?
Kenneth: Well, I’ve been put in charge of reducing TGS’s carbon footprint. And everyone has to chip in.
Jenna: Kenneth, I once took a low volume shower with Ed Begley Jr. What more can I do?

Jenna: But I need all of these. This ones for my cell phone. This ones for my laptop. This ones for my erotic massager. And this one’s for something personal.

Tracy: The Cosby Show lied to me.
Dr. Spaceman: I don’t think there’s a box for that on the form. What about “Cheers lied to me?”

Dr. Spaceman: I should warn you that general anesthesia can call powerful hallucinations. So I recommend it.

Dr. Spaceman: Now this is surgery. So don’t eat anything before you come in… because I’ll have a big breakfast waiting for you.

Dr. Spaceman: We all see that little black boy in the corner right?

Liz: [Crying] So is that all you have to say to me?! That’s how you apologize.
Brian: What did I do?
Liz: What do you care? Whatever Brian, I am over it!
Brian: Over what?
Liz: [Screaming] IIIIIITTTT!!!! Oh I’m sorry is it too much drama. You remind me of my father! And my boyfriend! Are you listening to me!? Cause if you are not I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway!

Jenna: I thought take your black kid to work was yesterday.
Sue: Now it’s always a Wednesday.

Jenna: Drama is like Gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.

Tracy: Trying to get someone to move out? May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out: black person moved in, scared them off.

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon, as I’m sure you know it’s Green Week. And NBC…
Liz: Oh brother, are they actually going to do something this year or are they just going to put that stupid green peacok in the corner of the screen?
Kenneth: [Eyes peacock.]

Liz: My mini fridge! What about my fresh fruit… flavored toaster cheese cakes?

Tracy: Denise? Venessa? Sandra the boring one? It’s your father! I’m having a Cosby Show hallucination.

Tracy: That’s why my life is not like the Cosby Show! I only have boys and boys are disgusting. [Audience laughs] I need a baby girl. [Awww.] Don’t patronize me! Stop laughing it’s not funny!

Dot Com: Elizabeth! I know you’re in there!
Liz: Oh no, it’s my crazy black boyfriend, astronaut Mike Dexter.
Dot Com: You better not be with a man, even if he’s gay!
Liz: Oh Mike, no I don’t even know why I’m letting you in when you’re in this unreasonable state.

Dot Com: I feel angry. Like Warren Moon must have felt back in 1995.
Liz: As I have told you many times during our relationship, nobody gets that reference.

Liz: A gay hipster cop. You’re an interesting guy, Brian.

Jack: Damn you, Tracy Jr.

Kenneth: You made a promise to Masi Oka. “Conserve electricity. Don’t be a zero, be a good guy!” Why didn’t that say Hero? That feels like a missed opportunity.

Liz: Shut up what do you know about the environment.
Kenneth: Only everything!

Frank: What’s a trash barrel but a big salad bowl filled with trash?

Liz: He pees in jars and leaves them around the office.
Kenneth: Come. Let me show you something.
Liz: Don’t talk to me like that. You look like a turtle who lot his shell.

Tracy: I need to go back in time. Why did I sell my DeLorean to Mr. T.?

Dr. Spaceman: If a patients friend runs into the operating room and yells at you, you have to stop. It’s the doctors’ code.

Jack: I want to have children. I want those memories no matter what the cost! And I have to pass on this head of hair.

Jack: Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.
Tracy: Well I hope he makes me a Lacrosse helmet so I don’t get hurt playing Lacrosse. Now come one that’s pretty solid for a guy who just came out of a hallucination.

Liz: I can’t Jack Jenna or Tracy him out of his apartment.

Liz: I got the apartment!
Jenna: How?
Liz: He moved out and now it’s mine.
Jenna: You didn’t really answer my question. What did you do?!

Liz: I have no regrets! No regrets! [Throws bag.]

Tracy: Frank, I’m going to have a daughter. I would never tell you that story. It’s degrading to women. Especially if they had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

Al Gore: You know there’s an old African proverb that I made up. “If you want to go quickly go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” We need to go far quickly.

Kenneth: Mr. Vice President. The snack table isn’t gonna clean itself.
Al Gore: Look again, Kenneth. [Plants cover the table.]
Kenneth: That’s not super helpful.

Al Gore: Recycle everything, including jokes.
Kenneth: I’m sorry, sir, what?
Al Gore: Quiet. A whale is in trouble. I have to go!

Ratings:  5.72 Million Viewers. 3.6/6 Share. 2.8/7 in the Demo.

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