Originally Aired: December 3rd, 2009
Written by: Kay Cannon
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary:
PRODUCTION BEGINS ON LIZ’S (TINA FEY) NEW TALK SHOW.
The tables are turned when production begins on Liz’s (Tina Fey) new talk show, “Dealbreakers,” and she experiences what its like to walk a mile in Jenna’s (Jane Krakowski) shoes. Jack (Alec Baldwin), dealing with pressure from Devin (guest star Will Arnett), calculates to make “Dealbreakers” a success. Meanwhile, Tracy (Tracy Morgan) takes on the ultimate Hollywood challenge in order to prove his commitment to his wife (guest star Sherri Shepherd). Everyone pitches in to help Tracy reach his goal, including Kenneth (Jack McBrayer), Dotcom (Kevin Brown) and Grizz (Grizz Chapman). Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell and Scott Adsit also star.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality! With Water Makers

Quotes:

Liz: [singing] I’m a star! I’m on top! Someone bring me some HAM!!!! I used to sing that when I was a kid.

Jack: Between TGS and this, you’re like a swarly big hipped Kelly Rippa.

Astronaut Mike Dexter: I have to go back into space, Liz. I hope you enjoyed the kissing fallowed the kissing followed by my genuine interest in that TV dance completion.
Liz: Bye, Astronaut Mike Dexter.
Pete: Liz! Snap out of it. Jenna’s locked herself in her dressing room.
Liz: What!? No go away! This is my fantasy, Pete.
Jack: I knew it. You’re blonde in your fantasy so it looks terrible.

Jenna: My niece drew a picture of me and I look so fat!
Liz: Well I really like your hair today.
Jenna: Thank you! But you don’t know what it looks like! Because of the door!
Pete: Wow she finally figured that out.
Liz: Ok, Jenna, you win. If you’re really not feeling up to doing the show this week I know that Jenna McCarthy is in town.
Jenna: My nemesis?! Never! Oh my god, I bet she put Charlotte up to this!

Liz: I am not crazy because unlike Jenna, my mother never used my beauty pageant winnings to buy her married boyfriend a motorcycle.

Pete: This job is starting to get to me. Lately I’ve been shop lifting just to feel in control. Cause no one knows I took the candy bar, no one but Peter.

Tracy: Liz Lemon, I need to talk to you.
Liz: What’s up, Tray?
Tracy: Come over and check out my corner. No trap.
Liz: What?
Tracy: Come over here, I said, in my normal tone of voice.

Tracy: Liz Lemon, recently I realized I have a hole in my heart. And not the one I got from eating batteries.

Tracy: Having a daughter is like going to the NBA All Star Weekend. It changes you.

Tracy: Click! I said click to distract you from the sound of the handcuffs.

Angie: Where were you last week during Tracy Jr’s birthday party?
Tracy: There was a better kid’s birthday party up the street!

Angie: Now I won’t have enough time to shop for Christmas presents and still get my hair did.
Tracy: You’re hair did? You just got your hair did! You have to get your hair did again?
Angie: I needs to be did every week.
Liz: Maybe we can undid these handcuffs.
Angie: Oh Cracka!
Tracy: Racist!

Tracy: I will do the Christmas shopping to show you that I can be reliable, and that I can finish everything I.

Liz: I need to leave someone responsible in charge. Now it’s not about who I like the most or who’s the funniest, so it’s Toofer.
Toofer: Thank you. As Tenison wrote, “I meet and dole on equal…”
Liz: No. Never mind. Lutz, you want it?
Lutz: [throws up]
Liz: Oh. Ok… too much pressure. Writers who never talk? Anyone want a promotion? Great! Frank, congratulations, you’re the new boss.

Frank: My first act as leader; I’m telling them to take down the firewall. We can surf porn again!
Sue: Wonderful porn! I like.

Jonathan: Sir, a Mr. Aduche is on the phone. I. M. Aduche?
Jack: I. M. Aduche? Banks!

Jack: What did you want?
Banks: Did you say it?
Jack: No. I knew it right away.

Banks: D.C.’s great. So many men in uniform down here.

Jack: Our health care costs are way down since we’ve started putting something in the coffee to keep women from getting pregnant.

Banks: You know how bad that will look? It would be like me wearing Capri pants. Which you’d think I’d be able to pull off because I’m tall.

Jack: Moron says what?
Banks: What?
Jack: [laughs]
Banks: What does he say? What?

Salesman: That belongs to Phillip Michael Thomas. The actor who played Tubs on Miami Vice.
Tracy: Sure, I know him from the secret black people meetings. Nah! I’m just kidding. He’s not invited.

Tracy: Who’s and EGOT?
Salesman: EGOT is not a person, TJ. It’s a goal. It stands for Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony. 4 awards that Tommy planned on winning in his career.
Tracy: That’s a good goal for a talented crazy person.

Jack: What if you didn’t wear your glasses?
Liz: What? You think it’s not a good look?
Jack: I don’t know. Are you married? I’m just saying.
Liz: I can loose the glasses, I just might not be able to read the teleprompter. And I can’t wear contacts because the doctor says my eyes are too pointy.

Jack: What if we changed your name to Monica St. Piere? No it’s too much. Your hair… it’s fine.

Tracy: Marco!
Grizz & Dot Com: Polo…
Angie: Tracy put that sword down!

Tracy: I’m going to EGOT. For us. For our family. And especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.

Tracy: Great. I’ll be in touch. You still use your Hotmail account?

Dr. Spaceman: One more. [Laser sound] And donsies.
Liz: Did it work?
Dr. Spaceman: This machine is a genuine LASIG… Hmm… curious.

Dr. Spaceman: Can you read the top line over there.
Liz: Dear Dr. Spaceman. Thank you for your submission. The New England Journal of Medicine does not publish X rated cartoons.
Dr. Spaceman: Well why not?! So frustrating. But at least I heard it from a friend.

Liz: I’m going to be on TV this week.
Dr. Spaceman: Really? I think you mean radio.

Dr. Spaceman: I can give you something for that. But you know what. I’m not supposed to have sex with my patients.

Dr. Spaceman: You’re hair is… fine.

Lutz: Hey we’re all going to Chuck E Cheese’s. It’s divorced Hispanic mom night.

Toofer: Ok. Have fun Liz.
Frank: Very funny. I’m not Liz. Ooh ham!

Tracy: I first like to thank my creative team for coming here on such short notice. And I’m sorry I’ve four hours late.

Tracy: Dot Com, research update.
Dot Com: I googled a complete list of all EGOT winners. Listen to this. Composer: Richard Rogers. Composer: Jonathan Tunic. Composer Robert Hamish.
Tracy: That’s good raw data. Now turn it over to Grizz for analysis.
Grizz: They’re all composers.

Liz: Actually I got three hair cuts. The first two made me look nuts. Hey, do I say the word “camera” weird? Camer-ah. Camer-ah. Camer-ah.

Jack: I have an actress problem.
Jenna: Ok. Don’t try to move the body yourself.

Jenna: You don’t know what it’s like to be on Camer-ah.

Jenna: Not anymore. You created two Lizs: Regular Liz and Performer Liz. You’ve got to lie to her, coddle her, protect her from the real world.
Jack: I get it. Treat it like the New York Times treats its readers.

Frank: Guys, standards is saying no to the Rubix Pubes thing.

Toofer: You look exactly like Liz.
Frank: What? Shut up. You’ve just never seen my reading glasses before, which I have to wear to read your dumb sketches. And I lost my hat after I threw it at a bus that wouldn’t stop for me even though the guy could see me running.
Lutz: What about the purse and sweater?
Frank: This is a bag for the scripts I now have to carry. And I’m wearing a sweater cause the studios cold. You know what? I don’t have to explain myself. You dummies have no idea what it’s like to be in charge. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in my office trying to have it all!

Pete: Ok here we go! One more! This is the one. And action! Great. And smile. With your mouth. And raise the roof. Look boy, you can do it. Good!… Oh my god. Break it down, break it down. Oh yeah yeah, sassy. Sass it up. Wave to a friend. No wave like a human being. Do you remember waving? And blow a kiss. No, with your hands! And uh, a little cleavage. Nope! Just have fun. Are you spinning a basketball?

Jack: Ok Lemon, step in front of the High Def camera, let’s see what that looks like? NO! No high def!
Pete: Please step away!

Kenneth: They’re from Devon Banks.
Liz: [reading card] FEMA paid for these flowers because you’re show is going to be a disaster.

Pete: Oh god. I got a tattoo that says “Freedom” in Chinese. And for what?

Liz: I fully understand the irony of what I’m about to say. But I have locked myself in my dressing room and I am not coming out.

Tracy: [Singing] Love song… About love… And cars. I started already.

Tracy: It’s all wrong. How can five of the most popular styles all played at once sound so bad?!

Frank: Tracy! What are you doing? You’re supposed to be in a fitting. Nerds!
Tracy: Is it me or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?

Liz: Don’t even bother. I’ve been on the other side of that door, Jack. You can’t outsmart me. I know all the tricks. It’s like the movie The Negotiator.
Jack: I didn’t see that.
Liz: In the end the police chief turns out to be the bad guy.
Jack: I didn’t say I wasn’t going to see that.

Liz: I don’t want to do this show anymore. Shut it down!
Jack: I can’t do that. If this things looses money I might as well let Banks play out his gay home invasion fantasy on me.
Liz: Then I guess it’s a standoff. And I want pizzas in here for all the hungry people in here!

Whoopi: You know I got my EGOT on a bet too. That’s why Arlen Specter had to change parties.
Tracy: You created the super majority?

Tracy: Wait! Is that a Day Time Emmy?
Whoopi: It still counts! A girl’s got to eat.

Tracy: Say, can I get a class of water before I leave?
Whoopi: Yeah, sure… [Tracy steals awards] Colored man, put it back. Put it down.

Jenna: Jack, I just got your business sext. What have you done.
Jack: This is no time to play the Blame Game.
Jenna: Of course not. I’m not wearing my outfit

Jack: You’re the only one who knows what Lemon is going through right now. Help me.
Jenna: Well, I hate to even tell you this. But I don’t know why you guys don’t take the door off it’s hinges.
Liz: That’s not gonna work…
[Door’s removed]
Liz: This changes nothing!

Jack: Lemon, I need regular Liz to tell that crazy bitch performer Liz to get out on stage and give me something I can make money off of.
Regular Liz: Hey buddy… You’re hair looks nice.
Performer Liz: Don’t try those tricks on me!
Regular Liz: Ok, I know that it’s been a hard day.
Performer Liz: I could have had it all, but you had to ruin it with your thinking!
Regular Liz: Come on. You’re a star! You’re on top!
Performer Liz: You should kill your self!

[Liz mouth cries]
Jack: Good god Lemon, what is that?
Liz: This is how I cry now, ever since you made me get that off brand eye surgery.

Tracy: [singing] Baby girl, you’re the missing piece. The perfect fit, baby girl. You’re the product of doing it!
Angie: Dammit Tracy, that’s what in your heart. Let’s make a baby!

Angie: Tracy Jordan, you’re an idot.
Tracy: I know. We’re lucky people laugh when I say stuff.

Jack: I sold the opening title.
Liz: Really? To who?
Jack: Whom. And from now one whenever a television is on in the background of a Shinehardt Universal soap opera, you will be on it.
Liz: I’m going to be on TV on TV!

Ratings: 6.08 Million Viewers. 3.7/6 Share.  3.0/8 in the Demo.

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