Originally Aired: December 10th, 2009
Written by: Tina Fey
Directed by: Beth McCarthy Miller

Summary:
ALWAYS EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON AT “TGS.” JULIANNE MOORE AND CHEYENNE JACKSON GUEST STAR.
Jack’s (Alec Baldwin) interest in a new social networking site unexpectedly reconnects him with a high school crush (guest star Julianne Moore). Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) tries to organize a Secret Santa Fun Swap, but not without resistance from some of the staff members. Meanwhile, Liz (Tina Fey) battles the task of buying a gift that’s good enough for Jack, and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) is horrified at the prospect of sharing her annual Christmas solo. Tracy Morgan, Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander and Keith Powell also star.

Promotional Pictures: High Quality, but Watermarked.

Quotes:

Cerie: Your hair is looking less weird.
Liz: Thanks.

Cerie: Pete?
Liz: Well, he keeps telling me that he wants skinny jeans, so cheese of the month club.
Cerie: And Jenna?
Liz: Oh I want to take that internet photo of her nipples slip and made into a jigsaw puzzle.
Cerie: Aww she’ll love that.

Cerie: You guys remind me of that bantering couple in that old movie…um Meet the Parents.

Jack: The company has acquired an up and coming social networking site called YouFace. So each executive must set up their YouFace page. So now this picture will be my Phollo.
Liz: Not a word.
Jack: Which is a contraction for Photo and Hello. YouFace. Who are YouFacing?

Liz: Those sites are for horny married chicks with kids who want to exchange pervy emails with their old high school boyfriends.
Jack: And since all your old high school boyfriends are now gay.
Liz: Exactly!

Jack: Lemon, gift giving is the purest expression of friendship. I’m going to think about what I know and like about you and that will lead me to the perfect gift. And you do the same.
Liz: So…bath salts in a coffee mug… would be… not it.

Pete: New guy, how’s it going?
Danny: Well I’m worried. I haven’t been on the show the last two weeks.

Pete: I should make up new cards that say Happy Holidays from everyone except Jenna. But that would require me to have some remaining life force, Danny. So I’m going to have a drink alone at the Oyster Bar.

Jack: I’ve been finger tagged, Lemon.
Liz: Was it down by the subway entrance, because I saw a gangly looking kid down there.

Jack: In this case that would be Nancy Donovan: The cutest girl in East Sanchester High school, class of 1976.
Cerie: That’s the year my mom was born.
Jack: Will you get us some pens…

Liz: My first crush was Larry Wilcox. The blonde guy from CHIPs. Bowl hair cut, think lips… ooh.
Jack: This wasn’t a tv crush. This was real.
Liz: Oh mine got pretty real.

Cerie: Lets look at her page.
Liz: W…w…w…
Cerie: Got it.

Liz: No do not put a hyphen in YouFace. There are defiantly faces here but they are not being treated with respect.

Frank: He takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them.

Frank: Like I need two copies of Over 60 Vixens.

Toofer: Oh yes, we’re all very strict Verdukians.
Kenneth: Oh, my apologies. I never heard of that religion. What do you all believe in?
Toofer: Oh many things; the healing power of root beer.
Lutz: That a man can have up to nine wives if two of them are male.

Jonathan: Do you really think you belong on Mr. Donaghy’s personal gift list?
Liz: Why not? We’re friends.
Jonathan: He is the best gift giver in the world. I tried once. I bought him a $90 bottle of olive oil. In return he got my sister out of a North Korean jail!

Jonathan: I will be here next year to take you off of that list. Even if I got into law school, I won’t go!

Nancy: Things have changed, but not your hair! It’s like a shag carpet. I just want to sit on it and play a board game!

Nancy: [singing] Hey Beantown, the Puritans found you. Hey Beantown, water surrounds you. So lets watch the Sox play ball, Play Ball! Hey Beantown you got it all!

Liz: Yeah I did plays in high school too. I was John Proctor in the Crucible.
Nancy: You went to an all girls school?
Liz: No.

Nancy: Jack played Paul Revere. We were all jealous Lisa Alperstein cause she got to play his horse.

Kenneth: These are my all inclusive holiday decorations. Here’s a little Christmas tree.
Tracy: Ok.
Kenneth: A menorah.
Tracy: Dig.
Kenneth: A picture of President Obama for the Muslims.
Tracy: I’m gonna let that one slide.
Kenneth: And a bowl of meat cubes with a picture of Jimmy Connor sticking out in the tradition of Verdukianism.

Tracy: What the what?! The new dude is as good as singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything.

Pete: Why didn’t you tell me you could sing like that?
Danny: I didn’t think it was important.
Pete: Wasn’t important!? I had Tracy playing Josh Groban last week.

Pete: For the most wonderful reason of all, Christmas vengeance.

Danny: I’m sorry are you being sarcastic? Canadians have a hard time recognizing it because we don’t have a very big Jewish population.

Nancy: I can’t believe you’re not married. I thought you’d have some hot shot young wife with black hair who says queer stuff like “Dressing on the side.”
Jack: I was married but people grow a part.
Nancy: Was she a bitch, or did she cheat?

Jack: What about you, loudmouth what piece of trash did you trick into marrying you?
Nancy: I’ll have you know that my husband happens to be a very prominent Pakistani anesthesiologist. Nah I’m kidding you he’s an Irish moron runs a roofing company.

Jack: We kissed every night on stage in Hey Beantown.
Nancy: That doesn’t count; there wasn’t even any tongue.
Jack: But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians.

Jenna: A duet? Really? I didn’t know you sang. It’s funny because it’s kind of my thing. Next thing I know you’re going to be telling me you’re really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

Danny: [Sings O Danny Boy.] I’m sorry, is your nose bleeding?
Jenna: Yes. Because I’m so happy for you. It’s definitely not a rage stroke.

Kenneth: Tonight is the Verdukian Holiday of Mouth Pleasures. Mrs. Rossitano, Spurloc and Lutz, must have 3 sausage pizzas followed by some flossing performed by a blonde virgin.

Tracy: Why don’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I’ll tell you why. Because the pope owns Long John Silvers.

Tracy: We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here. And if you try to grab onto me, we’ll both drown.

Jack: Weird in a good way… huh, like going to the gym drunk.

Cerie: She just changed her status from “working on it” to “weirdzies.”
Jack: O. M. F. G.

Liz: Is that maroon and navy?! Nerds!

Jack: Don’t’ tell me, Lemon. You spent $500 on a tie I already have at a store with no return policy.
Liz: Aw shark farts!

Liz: Creativity to me is… just like…like a bird… like a friendly bird… that embraces all… ideas… just like shoots… out of its eyes all kind of beauty.
Jack: Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemmingway write, Mark Hemmingway.

Jack: Can’t I just enjoy this while it lasts?
Liz: That’s what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out. But you made me go get hello.

Danny: Hey, did you hire this guy to hide in my dressing room and punch me in the throat.
Jenna: No.
Janitor: He’s bigger than you said. Can I still collect my kiss?

Jenna: I got them this: The program from this years Asian Women in Television awards. Julie Chen’s energy drink: Chenergize. A Flip Video. Hang on I didn’t know this was in here.
Danny: Wow. You’re really getting into the Christmas spirit. Oh my god, I just got sarcasm.

Jenna: I’m terrible at Christmas because I never had a nice one. Sometimes my mom would take us to see Santa Claus but that’s just because she suspected one of them was my dead beat dad. So I’d have to get on every Santa’s lap in the Bakersfield area and scream ‘You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Travis!”
Danny: Oh no, that sounds horrible.
Jenna: And then I’d sing carols in the middle of Sears just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.

Kenneth: You’re just a Kenny Rogers doll now.

Liz: This is your 0 dollars present. [Singing] Do do do do my friend is Jack. If you like his neck tie, pat him on the back. Nope never mind not your present.

Jack: Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you never left your hometown?
Liz: Of course. Have you not read my terrible short story “The Two Paths of Virginia Apple”?

Liz: You know what would go real nice on that wall over there? A drawing of a frog.
Jack: No.

Liz: The Gender blind Crucible!Jack: Framed in wood from the stage you high school theater. Jonathan had to drive all over Pennsylvania and I did not reimburse him for gas: zero dollars.

Jack: Nancy came back to say good bye. Her train was canceled.
Liz: Because someone called in a bomb threat to Penn Station? You’re welcome. Marry Christmas.

Lutz: I renounce Verdukianism.
Police: What? What’s that mean? Are you Al-Qaida? [tasers him]

Kenneth: My angry god is punishing them! It’s a Christmas Miracle!

Liz: Are you Larry Wilcox?
Larry Wilcox: Yes mam. These evening you have permission to call me Officer John Baker. Oh but no sex stuff and no touching my gun.

Liz: How is this zero dollars?
Larry Wilcox: Oh he promised to get me on Dancing with the Stars?
Liz: But that’s on ABC.
Larry Wilcox: Donaghy!

Ratings:

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