Originally Aired: January 14th, 2010
Written by: Robert Carlock
Directed by:Gail Mancuso

Summary: 01/14/2010 (09:00PM - 09:30PM) (Thursday) : JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) DEVISES A PLAN TO TAKE BACK A DRUNKEN NEW YEAR’S EVE MISTAKE.
After a wild New Year’s Eve, Jack tries to undo the damage he caused from leaving a drunken message on an ex-lover’s voicemail. In the meantime, Jenna (Jane Krakowski) pursues a faux relationship with actor James Franco (guest starring) in an attempt to cover up his embarrassing secret. After “outing” her sheltered cousin to his family, Liz (Tina Fey) welcomes him to New York City, while Tracy (Tracy Morgan) discovers a newfound respect for women. Jack McBrayer, Kevin Brown, Grizz Chapman, Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell and Scott Adsit also star.  (NBC).

Promotional Pictures: High Quality, but Watermarked.

Quotes:

Jack: My guests and I spent the stroke of midnight in the garden…vomiting.
Liz: Oh my god, I’m sorry.
Jack: Don’t be. The whole night, the purging, the vivid hallucinations of Astarte the Venetian goddess of sex and war, it all wiped the slate clean.

Liz: My cousin Randy, this kid from this rural coal mining town came out to us. And I think old Liz Lemon had little something to do with that
[Flashback]
Liz: Randy’s gay everybody! He’s gay!

Tracy: Finally! Over the break I forgot which floor I worked on.
Liz: 6, Tracy.
Tracy: 6! I knew it was a character from Blossom, but I couldn’t find the Joey Russo button.

Manager: My client, James Franco is actively looking for a relationship with a human woman to dispel certain unsavory rumors. Are you available for a fake romance with a movie star?
Jenna: Does chewing on sponge trick your brain’s hunger center? Yes! Yes! A million times yes!

Jenna: Can you believe they went to me before Ayiiia from the Real World: Cancun?

Jack: Lemon, I want you and Jenna to have a meeting with James Franco and make sure his manager doesn’t screw her.
Jenna: Too late! Oh wait, which way did you mean that?

Tracy: I had a pretty amazing New Years too. My wife and I are trying for a daughter. And on New Years Eve, I think I got Angie pregnant.
[Flashback starts]
Everyone: No no no no!

Jonathan: As you know on New Years I finally met my birth parents. So thank you for asking about that.

Jack: The last thing I remember is going to a closet and switching cloths with Bob Ballard.

Jack: The woman is on vacation with her husband as we speak. Probably having beach sex, which is the 3^rd best sex after elevator and White House.

Liz: As a frequent leaver of drunken messages, I can tell you no good can come from this.
Cerie: As a frequent receiver of drunk messages, they are not cute, even when they’re from Liz.

Jack: I’ve Lemoned the situation with Nancy! I’ve got to erase that message!
Liz: “Lemoned?” That’s not a thing people are saying now? Is it?! Cerie?! Lemoned…doing it awesome.

James Franco: You and I pretend we met while filming a movie, “Space Attack,” my title. This movie will never be released because my performance will be deemed “To provocative for America.”
Jenna: I wish I lived in France!

James Franco: Five dates a week, 1 fight a month, and because of a product placement deal with Jamba Juice, the fight will take place in a Jamba Juice.
Jenna: I love Jamba Juice!

Liz: What exactly is Mr. Franco covering up here?
James Franco: Liz are you familiar with Japanese moe relationships where socially dysfunctional men develop deep emotional attachments to body pillows with women painted on them?
Liz: I am not, James.
James Franco: Neither am I, Liz! Which is why it’s so weird that tabloids are running all these stories saying I’m in love with a body pillow. It’s crazy!
Everyone: [Laughs awkwardly]
Liz: Then why is that here? [Pans to body pillow]
James: Why? Why is this table here? Why is that lamp here? Kimiko is… it is here like any other objects. Objects are made by men for many purposes. But we never love objects.

Randy: What better place for me to be now that I’m a homo? Is that the one we call ourselves?
Liz: Nope, get a cab! Go to my apartment, 168 Riverside Drive.
Randy: Ok actually there’s a guy here who offered to drive me if I help him move a couch into a van.
Liz: Nope! That’s a serial killer! Just get a cab, I’ll pay for it!
Randy: Do you have Amish here?
Liz: Get inside the house Randy!

Jack: Kenneth. Jonathan. I need one of you to help me with a very special assignment.
Jonathan: [Gasps]
Kenneth: I hope it’s me, but I’m honored just to be standing here with to you!

Jack: Using these hangers, prove that you are lithe enough to accompany me.

Jack: [to Jonathan] You sicken me.

Tracy: I did it! Angie just called. She’s pregnant!
Frank: That’s awesome.
Liz: Congratulations.
Tracy: Yes and it gets better; I just had a burrito!

Liz: Now you just have to hope it’s a girl!
Tracy: I know it’s a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled Susan B. Anthony at the moment of conception.
Liz: That’ll do it.

Tracy: We’re gonna name her after the place that she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night so we’re going to name her either Virginia, Netchet (?), or Bathroom at Teterboro Airport.

Jenna: The gossip blogs are calling us James… it’s a combination of Jenna and James.

Liz: You and I aren’t getting any younger.
Jenna: You don’t know that thing I sleep in isn’t working.

Jenna: I am happy, all this attention, getting my picture taken, having ice cold diarrhea from drinking too much Jamba Juice, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

Kenneth: Sorry sir, that happens sometimes when I unhinge my pelvis.

Kenneth: It’ll be like the Da Vinci code…Albino Monk!
Jack: That’s a mirror, Kenneth.

Kenneth: Ok… search… Oops I just took my picture with that little camera thing… now I just need to erase that picture… Whoops! I just made it the desktop image how did I do that?

Kenneth: Emailing image to address book, what is wrong with me?!

Liz: Randal Lemon, where were you?
Randy: I met two guys and they just dropped me off.
Liz: Well I’m glad they brought you home, butt…
Randy: That’s where I’m meeting them later, a bar called HomeButt!

Randy: Do you know how hard it was growing up gay in Menthenburg Pennsylvania? The local TV station edited “Will & Grace” down so much it was just called “Karen.”

Liz: We’re going to have fun! We’re going to stay here and make nachos and see who can fall asleep the earliest! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!

James Franco: This was nice. You’re hand feels like a pillow that’s been in the microwave.

James Franco: Did you know Paparazzo is singular of Paparazzi? Kimiko taught me that. Ok I’ll see you at dawn so you can get caught coming out of my apartment. I’ll loan you a shirt. Try to look like you just got drilled, You know the deal.

Kenneth: This computer is not helping with our search. If you type Nancy’s Secrets into the internet, do you have any idea what comes up? A store that sells wig extensions!

Jack: In German class Mr. Krueger always chose her to sort the students. He was eventually arrested by Israeli commandos.

Jack: Look, on the 30^th she took Flight 1470 to RSW and he left the next day for CVG. They have to be different cities!
Kenneth: Fort Meyers and Cincinnati. Did you not learn your nation’s airport codes in high school?

Jack: She’s at the beach house alone. That’s the most divorced sentence I’ve ever heard.

Kenneth: This snooping has to stop. We came here to… Oh! I just took a picture of both of us.

Liz: Is that glitter? Oh my god, did you go out last night after I won the sleeping contest?

Liz: I’m taking you to the Port Authority. [Randy smiles] To get a bus home, not to meet people. God!

Liz: Is it going to be fierce?
Randy: It would be if it were 2006!
Liz: I do have this one cardigan I’ve been kind of afraid to wear… it has fuzzy buttons. Randy locks her in the closet]
Randy: I’m not going back to Nothingville!
Liz: Ok I do appreciate the irony that I’m the one stuck in the closet now. Is that irony?

Kenneth: The sun is up, and we are still in these people’s home. God can see us now!

Kenneth: Sir, I don’t mean to swear, but I am irritated right now!

Jack: [message] It’s Klaus. Remember Mr. Krouger’s German class? I took it to be with you. Sat behind you so I could talk to you and try to see the top of your underwear. You were Greta and I was Klaus.
Woman: Jack, you coming back in?
Jack: I’m on the phone! Get back in the hot tub! Ballard don’t let them put their tops back on!

Frank: Hey Liz, we’re playing the Today Show drinking game. You take a shot every time they give a dumb travel tip.
Matt Lauer: I like to take the shampoo and put it in the little travel sized bottles and then I put it back in the shower, for later.
Writers: Yeah!

Liz: Why are you wearing a man’s shirt and no pants?
Jenna: Last night, James kissed me. And for a second I forgot it was fake. And it was incredible. Now having lunch with James and the actress that plays my mom somehow seems hallow.

Tracy: Before you worked here were you an ass scientist, because your ass is blah blah blah you get the point. So what’s your name?
Virginia: Virginia.
Tracy: Virginia? But that’s going to be my daughters name! Are you also someone’s daughter?
Virginia: Uh, yeah.
Tracy: Is every woman someone’s daughter?

Kenneth: I was wrong, sir! There was a sign! She’s been thinking about you for years!
Jack: [to Jonathan] Why can’t you be more like Kenneth?

Kenneth: It’s the letters they spell Klaus! You’re name, in German class! The class you were in with Nancy! In high school! Back in Massachusetts!
Jack: I get it! I’m just trying to figure out my next move. I have to play it cool.
Kenneth: You should buy a leather jacket!
Jack: Get Cerie in here!

Randy: When was the last time you watched the sunrise?
Liz: Sometimes at work.
Randy: Or kissed a boy you just met.
Liz: Gross.

Randy: Stop! So bored… Did I do that right?
Liz: [proudly] Yeah. That was super bitchy.

James Franco: You’re being such a non pillow right now!

James Franco: What am I doing, Jenna. Pretending to be happy when I’m not. Making myself miserable when I have happiness waiting at home. Unless Kimiko is jealous of the ottoman. There’s nothing going on there! That’s a business relationship.
Jenna: Don’t Lemon you’re life, James. Be happy.
James Franco: I’m the actor James Franco, dammit. And I’m in love with and common law married to a Japanese body pillow!

Liz: Let’s do this.

Randy: Hey you got home late.
Liz: Yeah, I uh. Randy this is James Franco and his uh, friend Kimiko-tan.
James Franco: Hi, Randy.
Randy: I’m going to the bus station.
Liz: I think that’s for the best.

Tracy: I blame you three for my unhealthy attitude towards women! You have created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time. Grizz, when was the last time you told your fiancé you loved her? Since the phone call I interrupted to make this announcement Kenneth! Your haircut is disrespectful towards lesbians. Dot Com, do you ever read books by women.
Dot Com: But George Elliot was a woman.
Tracy: Enough! I’ve made a decision, starting next week I’m adding a woman to the entourage!

Ratings: 5.120 Million Viewers. (3.2/5 Share. 2.3/6 in the Demo.)

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