Originally Aired: April 22nd, 2010
Written by: Kay Cannon & Tina Fey
Directed by: Don Scardino

Summary: (08:30PM – 09:00PM) (Thursday) : LIZ LEMON MAKES HERSELF MORE AVAILABLE FOR DATING, WHILE JACK (ALEC BALDWIN) IS TORN BETWEEN FAST-PACED NEWS ANCHOR AVERY JESSUP (GUEST STAR ELIZABETH BANKS) AND CHILDHOOD LOVE NANCY DONOVAN (GUEST STAR JULIANNE MOORE)
Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) starts making an effort to date by attending singles events with Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski), and Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) feels forced to choose between childhood love, Nancy Donovan (Julianne Moore), and news anchor Avery Jessup (Elizabeth Banks). Meanwhile, a racist comment sparks an office-wide debate on affirmative action and leaves Toofer (Keith Powell) with a big decision to make regarding his future at TGS. Also starring: Jack McBrayer (Kenneth), Scott Adsit (Pete), Judah Friedlander (Frank), Keith Powell (Toofer), John Lutz (Lutz), Katrina Bowden (Cerie), Kevin Brown (Dotcom), Grizz Chapman (Grizz).

Promotional Pictures: High Quality!

Quotes:

Jack: [on phone] And I think we both can conclude that we finished Q1 with better than expected results. I can promise that my performance will improve, especially if you’re a little more… flexible.
Avery: I love it when you talk dirty to me.

Avery: Think slutty Grace Kelly.
Jack: Oh god bless you. I’m picturing it right now. And the opposite of that just walked in.
Avery: Tell Liz I said “Hi.”

Jack’s Card: [Liz’s voice] Test Test Test. This is a test for Jack’s card. [Sings] Excuse me, how do you rerecord on these things. Whatever, I’ll definitely figure it out.

Jack: My true present is that exquisite ensemble. You look like a prison weed dealer.

Jack: Lemon, are you wearing a cup?
Liz: Oh I forgot. Only guys can get hurt there.

Jack: As my good friend and fox hunting partner, Mary J Bilge would say “No More Drama.”

Liz: Eat it bitch!

Jenna: He was flirting. Did you ever even talk to him?
Liz: I yelled at him about a rule violation.

Liz: Tomorrow is the wine and cheese tasting. Or as I like to call it Singles fart suppression.

Jenna: I’m up for a role in National Lampoon’s Van Wilder’s Wingman Incorporated.
Liz: I look forward to not watching that on an airplane.

Tracy: I heard on the walkie talkies that there’s a red headed MILF walking around with some executive.
Nancy: You know what. That felt really good.

Nancy: Have we met before?
Kenneth: You shut your mouth!

Jack: The grown up dating world is like your haircut, sometimes awkward triangles occur.
Liz: I feel like you’ve been saving that one?

Liz: Why would a lady get divorced at 50? Stick it out. Men die first. Then you have two wonderful years. Then you die.

Liz: Mrs. Doubtfire shimself could not do this. You’re going to blow it. You’re going to end up alone and you’re going have to go to singles dodge ball. Put on these Rec Specs. Come one this is your future.
Jack: The band is soaking!

Tracy: I learned the world black in every language just so I know when to be offended. Russian: chór-nee Korean: Dolphin: Eeee Ee Eee Ee Ee. Eee Eee Eee Ee.

Toofer: How can racism be back when we elected a Black president?
Tracy: Barry O Bonds is the who brought it back!

Tracy: You know what I saw last night? A Slovin Sheild commercial. With a black burglar.
[Commerical]
Woman: Ahh!!! Black Man!

Grizz: Come to think about it, I saw a white judge on Law & Order last night.

Liz: I’m sorry are we expecting more men.
Jerem: I’m Jerem! I collect posters.
Jenna: Look at me Jerem. I know all the steps.
Jerem: Kind of.

Nancy: I didn’t have the heart to tell Mrs. Switzer that you moved to New York so I told her you were in jail for manslaughter. I even got them to make you that flavor we invented.
Jack: Peanut butter and Miller High Life.

Avery: You always know you’re at the right party when it feels like the Riddler is about to attack. Look at the guest list; Harvey Weinstein, Glenn Beck, Ashley Oslson.
Jack: These are the people who make New York great.

Avery: Lets to do the red carpet together. The Post will love it. Money Bunny Avery Jessep steps out with Sex-ecutive Jack Donaghy.

Jack: It wouldn’t look right. Like Santa Claus taking a shower.

Paparazzi: Hey Chelsea. Chelsea Handler over here.

Toofer: Liz, I work here because I’m hilarious right?
Liz: Is this a trap?

Liz: Well Tracy is a baffoon.
Tracy: That’s a 15^th century term for a black pirate! Racist!

Liz: Toofer, you are an invaluable member of our team.
Toofer: Why are my paychecks a different color than Franks?
Liz: Because your salary does not come out of our budget.

Liz: You provide a point of view that is essential from keeping the diversity… guy from bothering us.

Toofer: I’m about to utter two words that a Harvard man never says.
Liz: “I’m cool”? I’m sorry you can’t set me up like that. Don’t quit.
Toofer: I quit!

Nancy: Wow, you look like Mr. Monopoly.
Jack: And you look like you just won second prize in a beauty contest, collect ten dollars.

Nancy: Can we wait until the morning to fool around? Cuase I’m exhausted and I got the Night Bloats.

Nancy: There’s a Lee Marvin marathon on Turner Classics.
Jack: I thought you said this wasn’t going to be sexual.

Avery: Jeter’s apartment. We’re playing beer pong. It’s New York Yankees versus former mayors. I’ve got 10 grand on the mayors.

Liz: How’s your episode of ‘Three’s Company” going?
Jack: Like “Three’s Company” it’s titillating and anxiety producing. I need your help, Janet.
Liz: Aww being Janet sucks!

Liz: Ew! Were you with both of them on one night? You are officially a John Mayer style garbage…

Jack: How do you choose between Lee Marvin and Derek Jeter?
Liz: On looks? Lee Marvin.

Liz: You’re juggling two beautiful women while I have to pay to have kick balls whipped at me. This is gender inequity out the wang.

Liz: The older you get the more distinguished you are. Meanwhile I’m reading a book called “Hiding your Arms, Hiding your Anger: Dating Over 35.”

Liz: Ok fine I’ll do it. [Eye roll] Ow! My eyes are stuck! Help me!

Tracy: Oh ask the black guy because we all know each other. Pete could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?

Pete: Come on Tray, no one here is racist.
Tracy: Oh yeah, how cause I’m always forced to play ridikolus characters that don’t anununciate well?

Tracy: I know you’re all secretly mad cause we finally have a black Disney princess.
Jenna: You know there actually hasn’t been a white princess since 1991.
Pete: Tiana, Mulan, Pocahontas, Jasmine. Wow! She’s right.

Jenna: There are little blonde girls in this country that have no idea they can be beautiful. That’s why I started Jenna’s Kids. It’s a summer camp that teaches pretty blonde girls how to be mean. [Claps]

Tracy: The Aryan hates fears and hates the African man as we so clearly saw in the Blade movies.

Liz: As woman in this business…
Pete: Oh stop.
Writers: Aww come one.
Jenna: Shut up, Liz.

Avery: This is one of the only restaurants in America with a veal tank.
Jack: It just tastes better when you pick your own.

Avery: I get why its on your mind, with your birthday and my amazing skin. Sure people in this restaurant might think you’re my dad.
Jack: Or that you’re my prostitute.

Jack: I’m 51 years old. Do you even know who Lee Marvin is?
Avery: A sports caster who bites ladies. Who cares?

Jack: Are these the cufflinks…?
Avery: Reagan was buried in. Don’t ask how I got them. But I do have the access code to his pyramid.
Jack: Avery, this is too much.
Avery: Someday you’ll be as great a man as he was.
Jack: I do like jelly beans.

Nancy: Sure it’s a little bright in here, and they could have rescheduled that youth karate class…
Karate class: Yes sensei.

Nancy: Hey how you doing. You see Avatar?
Man: Yeah that new 3D is amazing.
Nancy: Yeah I dunno, I found myself rooting for our boys in uniform, not those blue hippies. But full disclosure I had a couple of drinks prior to.

Liz: They weren’t marines. Some of them were former marines, but they were mercenaries working for a space mining company.

Liz: What you just want to sit around and be wrong/

Nancy: Who do you want to meet?
Liz: Nobody. I mean, that guy has a beard. Who knows what’s under there. Tattoo guy, too promiscuous. Shirt tucked into jeans. [Fart noise] Oh that guy just looks like he’ll be mean to me.

Nancy: I’m no relationship expert. The last time I used a birth control device it was the 70s and it looked like soap on a rope.

Jenna: Jerem! Look how drunk I am, and how full of cheese my mouth is.
Jerem: That’s not that much cheese!

Liz: I don’t want to hurt you. But I’ll tell you what I do want. I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.
Man: You make much English. This is fun alcoholics meeting.

Pete: I pulled your file. Elizabeth, I don’t know how to pronounce your middle name, Lemon.
Liz: Yavale.
Pete: You attended the University of Maryland on a partial competitive Jazz Dance scholarship.
[Jazz Dance]

Pete: You were only hired by The Second City because they needed someone who could remember to feed the theater cat.
Liz: Oh no! Otis!

Pete: The only reason NBC picked up the Girlie Show is because of the flacks they got from women’s groups after airing the action drama “Bitch Hunter.”
[Bitch Hunter]
Bitch Hunter: Happy birthday, bitches!
Executive Producers Jack Burditt & Ben Silverman

Liz: I’m not better than Toofer, or Lutz with his BS Inuit ancestry, or your dad whose dad was in the masons with Dave Garraway. I shouldn’t be here.
Pete: This is America, none of us are supposed to be here.

Liz: Jack, would TGS have gotten on the air if I was a dude?
Jack: No. It was affirmative action. Why do you think your checks aren’t the same color as Howie Mandel’s?

Nancy: Hey Liz, how’d it go with the guys at dodgeball? You let one in? … Into your heart, I mean. God.

Avery: At the risk of editorializing, I am personally outraged.

Toofer: Liz has invited me back as a budgeted employee. Apparently I’m the only one among us who can spell.

Toofer: As a condition, I have requested that I no longer be called Toofer.
Frank: Great! New nickname suggestions. Go!
Liz: Victoria Q. Nerdballs.
Jenna: Kanye East.
Frank: Super Virgin.
Tracy: Splock. Short for Black Spock.
Pete: Threefer, cause you’re also gay.

Ratings: 3.995 Million Viewers, 2.7/4 Share. 1.9/5 in the Demo.

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