Originally Aired: May 13th, 2010
Written by:
Directed by:

Summary: AS WEDDING FEVER HITS TGS, LIZ LEMON (TINA FEY) REVISITS OLD BOYFRIENDS.? ELIZABETH BANKS, JON HAMM, JULIANNE MOORE, MICHAEL SHEEN, JASON SUDEIKIS, AND DEAN WINTERS GUEST STAR.
Jack (Alec Baldwin) becomes even more entangled in his love triangle between Avery Jessup (Elizabeth Banks) and Nancy Donovan (Julianne Moore), and he turns for advice to Liz (Tina Fey), who is focusing on her own romantic problems. When Liz can’t find a date to Floyd’s (Guest Star Jason Sudeikis) wedding, she revisits her old boyfriends in hope that a spark will reignite. Meanwhile, Tracy? (Tracy Morgan) continues his journey to earn his EGOT.  Also starring: Jane Krakowski (Jenna), Jack McBrayer (Kenneth), Judah Friedlander (Frank), Scott Adsit (Pete), John Lutz (Lutz), Kevin Brown (DotCom), Grizz Chapman (Grizz), and Keith Powell (Toofer).

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Jack: Are you ok?
Avery: Oh yeah it’s nothing. I was a guest on Mad Money last night.
[Cut to Mad Money. Avery is being attacked by a bear and bull]
Avery: What’s happening? Is one of you Jim Kramer?! Ok stop it stop it!

Jack: I didn’t realize we were still airing that. Kramer’s been dead for six months.

Jack: You don’t want to miss this wedding. It’s going to be New York Royalty; the Asters, the Rockefellers, the Sbarros.
Avery: Yes Jack, I know. You think I don’t want to know what Pizzerina Sbarro is going to be wearing?

Avery: I scheduled a conflict for this weekend I can’t get out of.
Jack: What is it?
Avery: Well if you must know, I’m on Dodecacil, the pill where you only get your period once a year.
Jack: Ugh. We’re so close to beating that thing completely.
Avery: Well my time has come. I’m going to a spa… well it’s not really a spa its more like a fenced in area in the Adirondacks.

Avery: While I’m gone do some thinking, about us.
Jack: I promise you this weekend will be filed with staring out windows while holding a glass of scotch.
Avery: That means a lot to me.

Jack: Aloha means hello and goodbye so…Aloha!
Avery and Nancy: What?

Nancy: You can do your thinking. We’ll just do it together on that tour boat that’s painted like a shark!

Liz: I’m coming alone, Cerie. But I still would like two meals.

Liz: Three weddings in one day. I’m going to be in Spanx for twelve hours. My elastic line is going to get effected again.

Jenna: What about Floyd’s wedding?
Liz: If I have to sit through that alone, I will rent a car, set it on fire and drive it off a waterfall.
Jenna: I can set you up with my trainer. He’s gay. But not when he’s drunk.

Liz: So I’m going to go back through my gentlemen roladex…
Jenna: Sexual time travel. Just like my Cinemax soft core “Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land.”

Liz: I have met plenty of guys. My standards are just too high.
Frank: Yeah, they have. Meet me in the handicap stall in 10 seconds.

Drew: Liz Lemon. I was just thinking about you the other day.
Liz: Really?
Drew: Yeah I saw this gorgeous woman… putting glasses on her daughters Mrs. Potato’s head.

Drew: Can I get you something to drink?
Liz: What goes good with second chances? Ugh… Water. I’d like water.

Drew: What? Oh my hooks! I’m just so comfortable with them that… Oh not again. That was my last un-gashed painting.

Drew: I was helicoptering into Zimbabwe when I thought I saw someone I knew. So I waved from the helicopter, which it turns out is a big no-no. So the roter took my right hand clean of. And it turns out the person I was waving to was not my old football coach.
Liz: Of course not. You were in Zimbabwe.
Drew: Well it looked like just a black version of him.

Drew: What, you’re too good for me now that I have pirate hook hands?
Liz: It is absolutely not because you’re disabled. I’ve been dumped by four different guys in wheelchairs.

Drew: I’m in line for a hand transplant. There’s this strangler that’s about to be executed. And I got my hooks crossed.

Tracy: I know which movie I’m doing this summer.
Dot Com: Garfield 3: Feline Groovie?
Tracy: It’s a pun. Because cat paws have grooves.

Tracy: It’s perfect. I’m playing Garfield. My whole parts being shot in on green screen in three days. And they’re paying me exactly one million teacher salaries.

Kenneth: It’s real Oscar bait sir. You say things like “You don’t know my pain!” and “You watch your mouth, Tyrice!” And in a less dramatic scene, I’ll have hashbrowns.

Tracy: I’ve got to win my Oscar some how. It’s either this or the animated movie I drew about the Holocaust.
Kenneth: We should definitely do this!
Grizz: This.

Jack: Nancy and Avery almost ran into each other at the elevator.
Liz: Seriously?! … You rode the shark boat?! Was it scary?

Jack: I’ve prepared a very unromantic evening. First we’re going to see a documentary about female circumcision. Then we’re going to eat too much Indian food.
Liz: Ok. But you’re just delaying the problem. Sometimes the hard thing, and the right thing are the same thing. I read that on a tea bag.

Tracy: I hated it. I couldn’t relate.
Dot Com: What? It’s about growin poor in the south Bronx. Moving from foster home to foster home. Seeing a pigeon fight a baby. All that happened to you.
Tracy: I don’t remember all that kind of stuff. I mean I remember being born of course. I remember leaning how to ride a bike, but that was last year. From 75 to 82 is just a blur.

Kenneth: I remember the summer my Webelos group went camping and we were taken by the hill people. Next thing I knew summer was over and it as time for back to school shopping.

Dot Com: If you want to win your “O” you have to reconnect with your roots.
Tracy: No I don’t. I was on a yacht with the Roots last week.

Dennis: You know as soon as my beeper went off I knew it was you. I got a personalized vibration for each chick I used to put it to.

Liz: Who’s that kid?
Dennis: That was Jose. I met him through a program that places troubled adults with child mentors.
Liz: Wait are you planning to balloon boy him?
Dennis: Liz, Listen to me. What was the one mistake those people in Denver made?
Liz: One mistake?
Dennis: Yeah there was no kid in the balloon. When Jose jumps out of there… or whatever… people will go nuts.

Dennis: Well the first thing you did was you touched the balloon. This is a scientific facility, Liz.
Liz: This a public park named after Ron Artest.
Dennis: Yeah and like Jose, Ron dreamed of glory.

Dennis: [to jogger] Hey what’s going on? What’s your deal? … Lesbian.

Nancy: That place was good. Way better than the Indian place I got to in Bostson, O’Doyles.
Jack: You know what I like after too much curry? A warm glass of milk and some John Phillip Sousa marches.

Liz: I’ve been through every guy. There’s no one left.
Jenna: Come on. You sound like me at the Olympic village.

Liz: Who cares? So I go to Floyd’s wedding alone. Maybe I’ll just lean into it and bring a cat in a baby stroller.

Cerie: Liz, I want you to meet the guy you’ll be sitting next to tomorrow. He’s told me his name like a million times but I keep forgetting it.
Wesley: It’s Wesley.
Liz: No!

Liz: I’m not back, Wesley.
Wesley: Oh of course because you said you could find someone better than me. Well, where is he? [Looks around]
Liz: Stop that! You look idiotic.
Wesley: Of course I do. Excellent pantomime is supposed to look idiotic.

Liz: Oh my god! I hate you!
Wesley: That’s it, isn’t it. The only thing wrong with me is you hate me. So with that as my only defect, where do I rank with all the other men you’ve been with.

Wesley: And then there was Wesley.
Liz: God I hate you.

Jack: Sex is not that big a deal, right? I mean how can something that animals do be a big deal? Worms can do it with… any other worm.

Nancy: I did something bad. After my divorce I went out with my girlfriends and I danced with a guy.
Jack: That’s it?
Nancy: Also it was after midnight on a Saturday so technically it was a Sunday. A man had his hands on my hips on a day that was set aside for the Lord! There I said it! Man. Catholic guilt. Am I right? Those nuns really messed me up.

Tracy: What are we doing here? You said we are going to someplace boring. This is an awesome copy shop!

Tracy: My god. Nothing’s changed at all.
Dot Com: It’s changed completely Tray, what’s wrong with you? We brought you up here to jog your memory, but I guess that was a waste.
Kenneth: Because someone came up with this stupid idea in the first place. [Glares at mirror]

Tracy: It’s all coming back to me. Oh my god. I slept on an old dogs bed stuffed with wigs. I watched a prostitute stab a clown. Our basketball hoop was a rib cage. A rib cage!

Tracy: Some guy with dreds electrocuted my fish!

Jack: Lemon, I don’t have time to talk about what you look like right now. That’s how urgent this is. I need you to not put on your judgmental face when I tell you the following: I slept with Nancy.
Liz: [makes face]
Jack: Fight it off Lemon.

Liz: What were you thinking?
Jack: I wasn’t thinking! She put on red underwear. You would think it would clash with her hair. But it didn’t.

Jack: Nancy’s not Avery. Avery is cool, collected, descended from Swedish valley people. Nancy is a fiery Irish nut job descended from bog people.

Liz: Thanks for holding my purse.
Wesley: See how we help each other. I accompany you to Floyds wedding. I hold your purse. This was meant to be. Well I wrestled her back on chums. (what…help?)

Wesley: I don’t want to go back to England. I can’t suffer through the London Olympics. We’re not prepared, Liz. Did you see the Beijing opening ceremonies? We don’t have control over our people like that.

Wesley: Until then, Reeebecca. [Sings song oddly similar to “Friends theme.”] I be here always. While the rains fall in Wales. …Chums.

Director: And…act!
Tracy: Nermal. I hate you Nermal. Almost as much as I hate Mondays! This is my lasagna! You hear me Nermal!? My lasanga!
Director: Ok maybe a little less intense. You’re a cat who likes sleeping and lasanga…
Tracy: Well I’m sorry Sean! And child actor who’s name I can’t remember.

Tracy: You haven’t walked in my shoes. All my life I try to forget the things I’ve seen. A crack head breast feeding a rat. A homeless man cooking a hot pocket on the third rail of the G-Train. The G-Train Nermal!! There’s something inside of me that needs to come out. And if Garfield 3: Feline Groovie can’t tell my story, then I’ll win my Oscar elsewhere. Or I’ll die trying!

Mike Dexter: Are you doing a reading too? I’m Mike, I’m friends with Floyd.
[Wesley makes faces at Liz]
Liz: Excuse me. Do you have a job, and are you here with someone?
Mike Dexter: Uh I’m a lawyer, and I’m single.
Liz: Ok friend, here’s the deal. My name is Liz. I almost got 1200 on my SATs. And I need a date for this wedding. And I like your head shape.

Mike: I like how forward you are. Now may I tell you something? I’m a “plushie”.
Liz: Is that a fraternity?
Mike: Kind of. It means I belong to a group of like minded people who dress up in mascot costumes.
Liz: Ok.
Mike: And have orgies in hotel rooms and state parks
Liz: There it is.
Mike: Our term for intercourse is “yiffing”
Liz: Would you excuse me please?

Liz: Fine let’s get married.
Wesley: Oh yeah!

Nancy: Nothing like being in church having spent the night doing a bunch of bad crap, am I right?
Jack: Um yes. Speaking of which I’m seeing someone else and I think I’m in love with both of you.

Nancy: I’m out of here.
Jack: You can’t leave, Donovan! We’re in the middle of mass!

Jack: We both know you have to stay until the final blessing, so let’s talk.

Liz: And now, and unscheduled reading that I think is appropriate for this lovely romantic occasion. [Opens Bible] But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he lay with his brothers wife, he spilled his semen…on the ground. Sorry. [Opens Bible] Then Zapora took a flint and cut off her sons foreskin…. Oh come on Bible. Help a lady out.

Tracy: I’ve seen a blind guy bite a police horse. A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom. I once bit into a marino and there was a child’s shoe in it. I’ve seen a hooker eat a tire. A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s. The sewer people stole my skateboard. The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor, generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time. I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo. They were very drunk!

Ratings: 4.964 Million Viewers, 3.1/5 Share. 2.5/7 in the Demo.

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