Originally Aired: September 23, 2010
Written by: Tina Fey
Directed by: Beth McCarthy Miller

Summary: JACK DONAGHY (ALEC BALDWIN) MEDDLES IN LIZ LEMON’S (TINA FEY) BURGEONING RELATIONSHIP WITH CAROL (GUEST STAR MATT DAMON)

Determined to help Liz (Fey) keep a man for once, Jack (Baldwin) meddles in her burgeoning relationship with Carol (guest star Damon). At home, he also struggles to compromise with Avery as she redecorates his apartment. Meanwhile, Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) has trouble coming to grips with Kenneth’s (Jack McBrayer) termination as a page and Jenna (Jane Krakowski) becomes TGS’ newest producer. Also starring: Judah Friedlander, Scott Adsit, Keith Powell and Katrina Bowden

Promotional Pictures: High Quality

Quotes:

Liz: No Tom Jones! No!

Jack: For four glorious weeks my naturally blonde lady love and I basked in the three S’s. Surf, sun and…
Liz: Sandwiches?
Jack: Ha, we didn’t need sandwiches, it was so warm you could pick fully cooked lobsters out of the water.

Jack: Avery is the most perfect woman ever created. Like a young Bo Derek. Stuffed with a Barry Goldwater.

Liz: You sound weird. Do you have a beard?
Jack: Not for long.

Jack: No more making love on the beach surrounded by a privacy circle of English trained butlers.

Jack: I have to get out of island mode and back into work mode. How was your summer?
Liz: Get this. My gynecologist committed suicide.
Jack: And I’m back.

Carol: I’m in Lambert, St. Louis. I can see the arch from here. No wait that’s a half burned downed McDonalds.

Liz: Who flies Newark to Atlantic City?
Carol: Black bachelorette parties.

Tracy: I’m calling to say that I’m giving you a 110% this year. I’m relaxed. I’m focused and I’m going to be churning out the good stuff like you’ve never seen.
Liz: That’s great, Tracy.
Tracy: Oh I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist.

Liz: Ok Season 5 here we go.

Jack: The Harry Potter theme park is a huge hit with both anglophiles and pedophiles. The movie division has a James Cameron movie the whole world will see whether they like it or not. Only NBC continues to be the engorged white head on the otherwise flawless face of Universal media.

Jack: Lemon, why are you spending so much money on wigs?
Liz: Tracy’s head size keeps changing.

Pete: As we enter the 5^th season of TGS, and remember no one ever thought we’d make it this far.
Liz: I believed in us.
Jack: That was actually an oversight.

Jack: It’s just a vanity credit, Lemon. A low cost way to make someone feel more important. Like executive producer Ashton Kutcher, or Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Jenna: Eye contact.

Jack: How are things with Carol?
Liz: Good. Did you know that if you’re a pilot, that Chili’s will seat you right away even if the piliot’s dinner companion has just been yelling at the hostess?
Jack: You’re the Jackie O of our time.

Liz: The bathtubs are so much cleaner than at home. I don’t know how they do it.
Jack: They clean them.

Liz: I hate that word “relationship.” It’s almost as bad as “climax.”

Jack: I prefer the color that’s already there, a reddish brown shade called “Elk tounge.”

Liz: Tell her no it’s your house.
Jack: This is how I know you’ve never had an adult relationship. If I say no then I’ll be required to say yes to something in the future when the steaks might be higher.
Liz: Then say yes.
Jack: If I give in then I’m no longer the alpha in my house. Before you know it she’ll have me wearing jeans and reading fiction.

Jack: There is a third option: The Fabian Strategy.
Liz: I know this. If an apple and a feather fall at the same time…

Liz: So Avery is your enemy? That sounds healthy.
Jack: You’re in no position to judge. Meeting someone in a hotel room twice a month is no relationship. Just ask a hooker.

Jenna: A line item budget. I love this. It takes people and turns them into amounts of money. Except for Tracy, I’m the most person on the show.

Jenna: You should fire grace from wardrobe. She doesn’t do anything/
Pete: Fire grace? You’d have to be a heartless monster to…
Jenna: I’ll do it!

Jenna: Grace, your position has been terminated, effective immediately.
Grace: But I’ve been here since the Jack Parr Show.
Jenna: You’re health insurance will remain in effect until the end… of this sentence.

Tracy: Kenneth! I knew you’d come back. Let me smell you’re head!
Liz: Come on! This is a woman’s blazer from a very expensive blazer shop called Rico’s.
Tracy: I’m sorry but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes. Just like my kidneys did to my lungs that one time.

Tracy: Am I going crazy? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?

Liz: The next time you hallucinate, just tell yourself “This is not real. I am in control of this.”
Tracy: Like the world cup!

Tracy: This place is too full of memories! I have to clear my head!
Liz: Ok but we’ve only been back to work like an hour! And… bye.

Frank: Liz get in on this. Would you rather have to start every sentence for the rest of your life with Urkle’s catch phrase “Did I do that?” Or be Siamese twins with Sharon Stone for a year.
Liz & Carol: Did I do that.

Frank: So Carol, you ever join the mile high club?
Carol: Try five miles high! And no I have not.
Toofer: Did you ever see a UFO up there?
Carol: No but once when I was in the AirForce I saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut.
Toofer: Was the Airforce like Top Gun?
Carol: Yea but with a lot more volleyball.
Frank: Did you ever kill anyone?
Carol: Sucked a mechanic into my engine once.
Lutz: Are you on facebook?!

Carol: These are for you. A passenger left them in the first class lavatory.
Liz: Oooh.

Carol: You think it would be alright if I stayed at your place?
Liz: I’ll just have to run home first and take some plates out the bathroom.

Liz: I can’t believe that every StarWin suite was taken.
Carol: Me neither. The lady said they were all booked up for something called Jack Fest.

Liz: I don’t my life stuff mixing with my dude stuff.
Jack: A middle aged women saying “Dude stuff.” Is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is.

Liz: I’m like that women on the food network whose husband only comes home on the weekends and she spends the rest of her time eating and drinking with her gay friends.
Jack: Her name is the Barefoot Contessa and you will never be like her. Starting with the barefoot.
Liz: I’ll have you know that I wore sandals this summer. Over socks. In a dream.

Kenneth: And now l like all studio audiences I will now sort you by attractiveness. Front. Front. Back. Balcony! Front. Front.

Liz: This is one of the three things in the world I like. Ina Garten. Sweater weather. And…
Carol: When Muppets present at award shows?
Liz: Yes!

Carol: I never met anyone before who had the exact same idea as me about what to do with Palestine.
Liz: It would work, right?
Carol: Of course it would work!

Carol: [crying] I can’t live like this anymore. I’m not like Jeffery Garten. I’m not as strong as that guy.
Jeffery Garten: Don’t have too much fun without me

Liz: No! It ok! Don’t be cry!

Carol: I’m a pilot, Liz. I spent my entire adult life with casual girlfriends in different cities. I can’t go from woman to woman to woman anymore.
Liz: How many women have you been with?
Carol: I’d rather not say. It’s shameful. I’m a… I’m a pilot. … … six.
Liz: Aww. That’s not so great.
Carol: I want grown up love!

Liz: I can’t believe I tried to clean my bathtub for this.

Liz: I had to spoon him for an hour and I was the outer spoon.
Jack: Welcome to adulthood.

Jack: Her anger eventually transforming into some rather… interesting sex. And now she is sleeping peacefully while Fabian has retreated to his den where he is drinking scotch and… playing Snood.

Jack: Damn it Lemon! It has to be Elk Tounge!

Pete: Do you understand how much free time I have? Yesterday, I went to the gym. And this morning I made love to my wife, and she was still asleep so I didn’t have to be gentle.
Paula: [Snore]
Liz: That’s one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever imagined.
Pete: Are you sure? Think about it again.
Paula: [Snore]
Liz: Yes!

Jenna: Liz, the writers can’t take a car service at night anymore. I’ve crunched the numbers and it’s cheaper for us to just replace anyone who gets murdered.

Jack: She suggested that we consult an old college friend who is an interior designer.
Liz: Uh huh.
Jack: His name is James. Not Jim. Not Jimmy. Jamesss.
Liz: I get it.

Jack: She’s sending her army into unknown territory. And I am flanking her with these. Have you seen my eyes, Lemon?
Liz: Yup they’re very blue. Like a Mykonos sky.
Jack: Mark Foley once called them piercing.

Jack: Do you know what a prize I am in the gay community. There’s a term for it. I’m a bear and I’m a daddy. I’m a daddy bear. Just one hour of flirty chatting with James and do you know what I’ll get?
Liz: Not a GLAAD Award, I know that.

Liz: I’m glad to hear that you have almost vanquished your girlfriend.

Jack: Would you rather let go of your precious autonomy and let Carol into your life? Or would you rather teach a cat to dial 9-1-1?
Liz: First of all, I’m tired of playing would you rather. And second of all, you know that I have Life Alert.

Liz: Oh I pushed it… I need a phone!

Kenneth: I am real! Would an imaginary me know that you have a mole on your… list of pets to get. Or that your favorite color is rainbow?

Tracy: Oh no! I missed it! Do it again!

Tracy: Why don’t you come back home to TGS? And pick the peas out of my fried rice. And the rice. I just want carrots.

Kenneth: I’m real happy here at CBS. They gave me a tote bag, with The Mentalist on it.
Tracy: I guess this is goodbye. Obviously I’m gonna need the tote bag.

Jenna: I’ve realized something. There’s one too many producers, Pete.
Pete: Ok I get it. But please. I have five kids! That I don’t want to be at home with.

Jenna: As great as I am at this, I’m not really necessary. Hmm the last time I said that I was in a three-way with two of the Backstreet Boys.

Jenna: This is hard for me too, Pete. But it’s because I’m a genius producer I know you have to fire me. Take my producing fee. And amortize it to cover the gaps in transpo and electric.

Frank: Hey Liz, Would you rather…
Liz: Ugh.
Frank: … be with a person you love forever but you always have to wear a shirt made out of their pubes? Or be along but you can wear whatever you want.
Liz & Carol: Shirt with pubes.

Carol: I’m not sorry you saw me cry. I’m an emotional guy. That’s actually not part of my personality. That’s just something that happens to people who change altitude more than four times a day.
Liz: Is that also why you got so mad watching the Giants game?
Carol: No. That was because why does Geico have three different spokespeople. They have the caveman, the gecko and then the stack of money with eyeballs.
Liz: And the fake Rod Sterling guy.
Carol: Oh my god, right! Thank you.

Carol: Let’s each say one thing about ourselves that the other person doesn’t know on the count of three. One two three..,
Liz: I’m on a waiting list to adopt a kid.
Carol: Touched by a priest. It’s fine.
Liz & Carol: Wait. What?

Liz: See you October 14^th!

Announcer: Cast for, Would you Rather, set yourself please.

Liz: Think maybe that’s what Avery wanted all along?
Jack: Oh my god Hannibal defeated Fabian with a decoy army. James was a plant. The wall was a decoy. She Hannibaled my Fabian.

Jack: Avery and I are perfect together, like whiskey and hunting.

Jack: Soul mate doesn’t even begin to do it justice. She’s my…
Liz: She’s your pube shirt.
Jack: Pube shirt.

Kenneth: Goodnight Ms. Maroney. Goodnight Mr. Jordan. Goodnight TGS band with your funny smelling dressing room. Goodnight bear. Goodnight Moon… Sun Park from accounting. Goodnight Ms. Lemon. Goodnight Mr. Donaghy.

Kenneth: Sir?! Is it really you?!
Janitor/Tracy: Sure is. What to go kiss in the prop cage?

TGS Credits:
Executive Producer:
Jack Donaghy.
Produced by:
Peter Hornberger – Jenna Maroney
Written by:
Elizabeth Lemon – Susannah Laroche-Van Der Hoot – J.D. Lutz – Lorne Michaels – Frank Rossitano – James Surlock – Ricky – Ronnie

Ratings: 5.905 Million Viewers, 3.6/6 Share. 2.6/8 in the Demo.

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